Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I Dream of Heene Starring The Balloonatics

As more and more comes out about the reprehensible Heene family, I'm going to offer a few words of advice to those who might be out there thinking that they can pull off a similar stunt - only successfully. Trust me, if you're even considering such an act, you're going to want to heed this advice.

For starters, you're going to want to give your intelligence quotient a good, thorough assessment and ask yourself if you think it is above, below or on par to that of Elmer Fudd. It would be a good idea if this thorough assessment included some sort of proof that you are of above average intelligence (above average is what we're striving for here). For example, if you are going to call yourself a 'scientist' or a 'professor', it would be a good idea if you actually were a scientist or a professor! It would be preferable if that title was obtained through attending and graduating college and not simply landing on a spot on the board game of 'Life' that indicates you've graduated from college. It will also be important to steer away from any documents that bear diploma-like, old-timey script and include words/phrases such as "Online Unaccredited University" "Cap'n Crunch's Number One Landlubber" "Insert Name Here" and "Bill Nye, the Science Guy, Hearts Me".

Next, if you're going to have your children participate in some sort of a little rap video that you are going to be filming and later uploading to YouTube, you're going to want to steer clear of having the boys say things like 'faggots' and avoid having them make any references to throwing rocks at said 'faggots' because the 'faggots' were 'in a tree' and they were 'pissing on me'. Yeah, steer clear of all language and related language to topics like that. (And if the video below fails to load or something else rendering it unwatchable, head on over to The Frisky and have a gander at it over there. You should be warned that it's rather disturbing. Not so much for what it contains (though that ain't a peach or anything), but rather to know that it was the Dad that was filming all of this and put it all together.)

If you're going to go along the lines of having your huge mylar balloon that you built in the backyard get away from you with your child inside, you're going to want to focus on at least one key point. That point being to make the balloon big enough to actually hold your child and lift him off the ground, not to mention carry him for miles and miles and miles. (Then again, since the media outlets seem to be so slow to mention and/or notice that point themselves, this might be one of my lesser items in my column of advice that I'm giving to every nitwit out there contemplating some asinine publicity stunt for themselves. But it's still important because it will come out. Morons.)

That initial call that you make to summon help is going to absolutely need to be to 911 and not to a TV station. I don't care what a cool helicopter the TV station has, you know damn good and well your freaking SON isn't aboard that balloon! Thus, calling the TV station first is going to raise suspicions...just like it actually did. Idiots.

You really don't want your whole plan to hinge on the cooperation of your accomplice, especially if he's six. If the plan does hinge on a six-year old, keep him away from in front of the cameras. When I say "away" I mean "up in that attic where you claim he was hiding". Yeah, that "away".

I'm also going to have to advise that if you're seeking additional "publicity" for yourself (presumedly because you're a media whore) try and avoid appearing on shows which bear the title such as "Wife Swap". Twice. Anyone can lose their mind and do something foolish such as exploit their children for a little cash once. But you're a certain kind of crazy if you appear on "Wife Swap" twice.

And finally, I suppose that I'm going to have to advise against letting anything cute leak out in the press after you have been determined to be a lying sack of family over there. I am referring to some of the footage that had not aired before the Wolf Blitzer interview that was on CNN. Now, granted, if I were six and I had heard that we were going to be talking to "Wolf", I might have freaked out a little bit too, just as little Falcon Heene seemed to when he turned to his Dad (the one that makes him lie to America and the rest of the world and then ignores him as he vomits) and asked, "Who the hell is Wolf?!" It's an excellent question, it's almost an adorable question, but of course now I can't help wondering if he was coached to say something about that at some point and he just happened to choose before anyone was actually watching to do so. Probably should have stuck with the "before anyone was actually watching" method for most of this debacle.

Couple of more tips:

  • Don't let it leak out that you and your wife met in acting school in Hollywood. (Try to get your money back for those classes if you still can. Show them the footage, that should be enough.)

  • Don't let MyFox Illinois report that your associate's attorney let it leak that you believe the world is going to end in 2012 because the sun is going to explode and that you need to get a lot of money really quick so that you can build an underground bunker which will keep you safe from said exploding sun.

  • While you're at it, keep it away from TMZ that you've been "convicted of assault with a deadly weapon -- a gun -- and received three years probation" in 1984, "arrested for corporal injury on a spouse" in 1991, and in 1997 that you "pled no contest to vandalism and spent four days in jail".
  • And whatever you do, whatever you do, please, please, please for the love of God do not record theme music for yourself. For anything. NO theme music, got it? Not for you being a "science detective", and most certainly not for you being a freaking contractor. (But hey, just because I'm not recommending that you do these things, does that mean I'm recommending that you not listen to them because they're absolutely hysterical? Of course it doesn't mean that! By all! Click and listen!)

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