Friday, October 9, 2009

Speeding Toward Identity Theft

Directly from the files of "I Don't Get It" and filed under the subsection "What Is Wrong With You?" comes this headline from the folks seemingly having writer's block over there at AOL Autos : "10 Ways To Avoid a Cop Giving You a Speeding Ticket".

::: blink :::

::: blink :::

Um, what? Ten. Ten ways? Do you actually need TEN ways? I don't know about you, but I only need to know (and DO know) only ONE way! You drive the damn speed limit! Or you drive really close to it! Seriously. What is wrong with people?

Now, this was going to be really short and I was originally going to post it yesterday. But then I started looking for an image of a speeding ticket that I could post on here along with this tale of idiocy and I realized that there is much more to the idiocy than I imagined. There's the tale of people who post their speeding tickets online with all of their information on them in tact! I KNOW! How inadvisable is that?!

Now I realize why some people drive like idiots. It's because they ARE idiots. I base that statement solely on the fact that they've posted their tickets online for all the world to see and with enough identifying information to have their identity stolen from now until the end of time. Of course, I'm assuming or implying that it hasn't already occurred. In reality, I'm sure that it has occurred and continues to occur. If these people keep getting things in the mail in their name that they never remember ordering or sending for or doing, I have a pretty good idea as to why that would be.

Honest to God, who in their right mind would post all of that ONLINE? Wanna give us a couple of naked pictures of yourselves as well? You should! It's exactly the same! (OK, it's not exactly the same. But if you read this blog, you know what I mean! It's the SAME!) Want to save yourself some time? How about next time you're pulled over for speeding, just be naked! That will take care of it right there. Two birds. One stone. Naked pictures and tickets all over the Internet. Next!

Let's see who are the kind of people who post their speeding tickets chock full o' information on the Internet, shall we? (And as a disclaimer or a promise or something, if you are one of these people and you contact me, I will immediately redact your name, all of your information and all references to you as a dimwitted moron. I promise. Of course, you're going to have to figure out how to email me; just posting in the 'Comments' section doesn't count.)

(Side note: See what I did up there? I just easily reduced my chances of having to change anything after I initially publish this post by at least fifty percent. The dimwitted? They're easily confused. They'll never find that "Email Me" link on my Profile page. Even after reading this.)

First up, a one James A. Reeves, III of New York (I think). It looks like he got a speeding ticket in Pennsylvania going 87 in a 65. Driving a rental truck. A rental truck can go 87? Who knew? Looks like James was born on Groundhog Day, 1977 and drives a 2008 Kia Spectra. Plenty of info for the identity thieves there. Thanks, James! Slow down next time, buddy.

Next up a one Travis Alan Prange. I don't know where Travis hails from as he felt that information was necessary to blur out, but felt like information like his date of birth, his middle name, height, weight, hair and eye color and his driver's license number complete with the state that it's from (Colorado) was not important enough to redact. Good thinking there, Trav! Because it's nearly impossible to fake an address. Looks like Travis also thought it was a good idea to drive his Jeep Wrangler 38mph in a 20mph zone at 2:16 in the afternoon, presumedly, given all of the other information, in Colorado.

Next up, a one Michael R....and then the last name is hard to read online. Could be McCorn, McGown, I'm thinking it's definitely a Mc name (NOT McDonald). It would seem that Michael has a heck of a lot more faith in his permanent black pen to be able to obscure the information with a single line through each item. Driver's license number: 9783666. It would seem that in Kentucky (the ticket says Lexington at the top) they don't need to bother with putting all of the crap that's already on your license on the ticket. That's kind of what the license number is for, isn't it? Why so redundant in other states? I don't know either, but Michael was going 70 in a 35mph zone on his motorcycle. Zippy little thing there, ain't it? Hope you're wearing a helmet, Mike.

See, here's why I don't understand speeding. I'm frequently late wherever I go. I've been trying to get better lately and I've done a pretty good job, I think, of a) not being late and b) not being as late. But do you know why I'm late? It's because I'm not in a hurry! Wherever I'm going, it'll still be there when I get there. And I often know what awaits me, so it's not like a surprise or anything. But I'll admit, sometimes I see people zipping by me, obviously in a hurry, and I'll wonder where it is that they have to get to so damn fast! I mean, it must be very important and quite possibly great fun as well! Maybe I would want to go there! I mean, look at how fast they're going to get there. So I always feel like I'm missing out because there is no place that I'm going ever that I just can't wait to arrive and that compels me to drive 127mph in a school zone.

Here's Yan L. Wu's speeding ticket. Mr. Wu, born November 20, 1976 and given the driver's license number D7899593 in the state of California, was driving his 2008 Audi either 45mph or 95mph (it's a little blurry) in a 35mph zone. He insures his Audi through Progressive. Ahem....too much information about yourself online, Mr. Wu!! What were Wu thinking?!
This isn't just in the US that people are this boneheaded about what they post about themselves online. In Auckland, a one Justin Alexander Lee, born June 23rd, 1976, works as an accountant, drives a Honda and probably made his family proud until the day he was going 116 in a 100 zone over the in Auckland, New Zealand. I like how they call their tickets an "Infringement Notice". I only wish I could tell (or wish that I knew) if that was 116mph or kph.

This is about the only kind of speeding ticket that you should think would be allowed to post online, but that's only because it was one of the first ones ever issued in Ottawa in 1910. Behold!

Oh, Lady Laurier. Apparently, "You did run a motor vehicle upon a public highway, to wit, Bank Street in said City, at a greater rate of speed than ten miles per hour." Wow, that's a lot to write out by hand. When do you think they wised up and just had the tickets printed up with all of that on them? When people started blowing through town at 20mph?

It would appear that speeding has evolved from Lady Laurier in 1910 at the rate of approximately one mile per hour per year until we get up to ol' Justin in New Zealand there, cruising the streets of Auckland at a comfortable 116. Ah, progress. Darwin would be proud, wouldn't he?

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