Thursday, October 29, 2009

That's Gonna Leave a Mark

It's October. It's really close to Halloween. Shouldn't you be putting a little bit of effort into your costume? Some effort, any effort? If not your costume, how about your disguise? Can't you at least use the motivation that it's the 'reason for the season' to come up with a good enough disguise that people won't recognize you (hence the term: disguise)? Well, if you're these geniuses in Carroll, Iowa, the answer is 'no'. A big, fat, resounding NO. Behold!


Oh, that's going to leave a mark. What the hell is that? THAT would be a one 20-year old (and clearly old enough to know better) Joey Lee Miller. But wait there's more! Behold!


And THAT would be a one 24-year old Matthew Allan McNelly. Both of these pinheads apparently hail from the bustling community of Carroll whose population was last counted to be 10,106. Hopefully the town is so small that everyone in it will know who these two chuckleheads are and will berate them relentlessly about this.

Here's the situation: According to the smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun on Friday night, a "...911 caller told cops that two hoodie-wearing males were trying to enter his apartment". That scenario is expanded upon by the hometown newspaper of Carroll, The Daily Times Herald. (I guess that the town is so small that they thought it would make them feel more 'big time' if they just included the name of every single major metropolitan newspaper in the name of their small town rag. Rumor has it the Daily Times Herald was chosen after The Daily Times Herald Sun Tribune News Post Haste was eliminated during a town-wide vote.) The report from Carroll states that "A resident...called 911 to report two men with their faces painted black were trying to break into an apartment." Not sure why that part is omitted from over at The Smoking Gun, but maybe it was something they were smoking.

Now, the reports aren't clear as to why the men did not enter the residence, but I'm guessing it had something to do, probably solely to do, with IQ. And that would be the combined IQ of the two of them! But shortly after the 911 was called, the men were pulled over in a traffic stop whilst driving the getaway car - a 1994 Buick Roadmaster. Behold!

Yes, I know that's a 1996 and not a 1994.  For God's sake, get a life.
How hot. Oh, that's just awesome. These two are awesome. I'm sure their parents are just beaming with pride! Tweedledee and Tweedledum were thought to have weapons on them, so they were taken into custody at gunpoint. "Each was charged with second-degree attempted burglary. McNelly was also charged with driving while intoxicated." Oh. I see. And another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

Of course. The seven words that accompany a story like the 99.9% of the time. "Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved." How much alcohol is the question I'd like answered. I'm guessing quite a bit if they were thinking that those 'disguises' were going to do anything at all other than get them arrested in less time than it took them to turn their face's into human Etch-a-Sketches.

Seriously, let's take a closer look at these "disguises for the mentally inadequate", shall we? Obviously, they both clearly overestimated the power of a Sharpie permanent marker and seemed to believe that it possessed the ability to grant them the power of invisibility. But they must have really overestimated the Sharpie power, as they didn't even bother to cover their whole face. They didn't even take the time to cover half of their faces. But I did notice that they did have the time to draw a little star here on the face of Mr. Miller. Behold!


Yep. That's a star all right. What was he going for? Captain America? Wonder Woman? Nacho Libre? It's a really little star. But if we look closer at the face of Dip-S Number 2, we see that he went for a larger star around his eye. Behold!

He also appeared to be going for some Frankenstein-esque stitches here.


And here.


It seems pretty obvious to me that Mr. McNelly was striving for either the Ace Frehley look or the Paul Stanley. I don't know what the hell Mr. Miller was striving for? A Care Bear, perhaps? I wonder when it was during this idea of sheer brilliance that they decided that a couple of drawn on Frankenstein stitches would not suffice for a disguise that would allow them to make a clean getaway in the Roadmaster?


What have we learned here? Plenty. Most importantly though, we've learned that if you don't have the $2.99 or whatever it is to spring for a ski mask to wear during your inept and destined for failure crime spree of one apartment, just don't bother. Draw on your face all you'd like, but stay home for the love of God. Stay the hell home.

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