Sunday, October 4, 2009

A Non-Blinking Militia

Happy Anniversary China! Communist Congratulations to you! Look, I know that China is a world power, not quite a superpower (though they do have boatloads of money and it's not long before they buy a "super" to go with their "power"), but after seeing pictures from their 60th Anniversary celebration, I'm not as concerned as I might have been before. (Actually, I'm only concerned about China's power when it comes up in the news. It's not one of the myriad of things that keeps me up at night.)

When I say that China is weird, I don't mean China-China. I mean the people that run China. They are weirdos. Regimented weirdos. It's the 2nd Amendment to the US Constitution that uses the phrase "A well regulated Militia". Gathering from the pictures I saw of the celebration that China threw itself, t makes me wonder if China hasn't borrowed a little bit of it's regiment from that part of that Amendment. They're very regimented. And not just with their militia, either!

There were many aspects to this parade that China threw itself in celebration of it's 60th anniversary. According to the folks over there at The Guardian.co.uk, "Students flipped colored cards to create huge slogans such as "Long live China" and "Loyalty to the Party". We've all seen this attempted here in the US. It doesn't always go so well. People are lazy, they spilled beer on their card, they're in the bathroom when the thing is going on, so many reasons why every time this is tried in the US it looks like we're lending huge support and showing great appreciation to Swiss cheese. But look at how seamless the Chinese do this task. The top one was the first one they did and then they all instantaneously flipped their cards at the same time and the bottom photo appeared. It's amazing. They're almost seamless. Behold!




Ah, the wonders that people can accomplish if they're in fear for their life within the communist state in which they reside.

There were floats dedicated to China's space program. You may remember China's space program. It was the one that they said that they had when they showed a bunch of footage of the "astronauts" in space doing...something. It all would have been fine and good if they had just edited that footage a little bit so that we didn't see the air bubbles from the tank of water that they were in to simulate the weightlessness they were supposed to be experiencing. Yeah, they weren't so much up in outer space as much as they were in a tub. Unfortunate. In fact, I'd wager money that the float that they had in the parade was probably the same prop they used in their little outer space propaganda video scam. It looks just about as believable.


According to the narration on the video over there at The Guardian.co.uk, "Choreography was more precise. The soldiers had been trained to blink only once every forty seconds." Um, wait. What now? BLINK?! Blink once every forty seconds?! China, I'll get back to you in a minute, but for right now, um, Guardian.co.uk folks? Since when does blinking constitute an element of choreography?! OK, back to China. You freaks! Blinking?! What good does that do to not have your poor soldiers blink? You think that messes things up if they're a little more blinky than once every forty seconds? I haven't studied this at all EVER, but let me tell you that if you think that, you're wrong. You're wrong. You're just wrong. And you're also weird.


If I hadn't done a freeze frame from the video to bring you the photo below, I would have swore it was Photoshopped by taking just one soldier and then copying and pasting him all over until you had a shot that looked like the one below. But they really look like that. It's as if the folks at LEGO are in charge over there. The video narrator says that they march at 116 steps a minute. I don't know if that's a lot or a little, but I do know that someone had to count those out or come up with that number in order for it to be known to the narrator! China, listen, I know you mean well (actually, I kinda think you wouldn't mind invading our shores and taking over this lovely land, but I'm trying to be nice) but couldn't your time spent coordinating the number of steps and the amount of eye blinking of your armed forces be spent doing something a little more...oh...what's the word I want? Oh, that's right! I've got it! Shouldn't it be spent doing something a little more useful??
Well, here's the Grand Poobah of China on his way to inspect the troops. Maybe he found this to be more useful? He rides around in that car there and all of the military troops stand at attention (otherwise they'll be shot. I'm paraphrasing there, of course.). He yells things at the troops and they yell back. He shouts things like, "Hello comrades!" and "Comrades, you have worked hard!" Meanwhile, as the comrades were not quite at the time frame for blinking, 25,000 contact lenses popped out of their eyeballs as they shouted back, "Hello commander!" and "Serve the people!"


But here's what really put me a little bit more at ease as far as what China has going on over there military-wise. Here is their women's militia. Behold!


Oh, good Lord! They've finally found uses for all of the old stewardess uniforms from the US airlines of the 1960s and 1970s!! Now that's some recycling! Are you kidding me? THOSE are their female soldiers?! Do you know what American female soldiers look like? That's right. MALE American soldiers! And I'm not speaking strictly about stature or appearance or sexual preference. I'm speaking about the uniforms and the gear. I don't recall any female American soldiers wearing go-go boots.


Holy crap. Do these female Chinese soldiers practice on a pole when they're not marching in formation? Who is their commander in chief? Ken? Do they not have barracks and instead they retire to the Dream House? By the way, they don't always wear pink like the one photo up there. Sometimes they prefer blue. Whatever the color, the boot is a constant. Behold!

You realize that they're just a quirk or two away from wearing Wonder Woman outfits, don't you? They've already got the boots. All they need now is a sparkly, one piece swim suit and some metal bracelets and they're good to go. By the way, it's worth noting that this parade that they had to celebrate their lovely Communist state is two miles long. TWO miles!! Two miles of this stuff?? Wow. God bless America.

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