ACRONYMS - A Collective Roster Of Names You Might See

I've been doing it all wrong. Not a shocking revelation to some (pipe down in the peanut gallery over there!), but at least this time I caught on fairly quickly. I don't need a some sort of repeat similar to the time when I thought that the alpaca needed a saddle. Don't ask. It's still quite embarrassing. (And still just a little bit sore, too. Damn alpaca.)

This time it's texting. Text message abbreviations and/or acronyms that, according to NetLingo.com every parent needs to know. I'm not so sure that they do. Some of them, sure. Some of them, not so much. Which ones are which? Probably the ones that kids (or even just PEOPLE) actually use would be the ones that would be the most helpful to know.

See, according to a lot of people, younger people, older people, just people, who have seen the list of "Top 50 Text Acronyms Parents Should Know", a lot of the acronyms on the all important list are things that they've never heard of or never seen used in a texting situation. And that is supposedly exploained by the founder of NetLingo.com, a one Erin Jansen, when she says, "This is stuff that's being used all across the Internet, in instant messaging, in chat rooms, in text messaging. There are spikes in the amount of usage for each acronym, and regional variations. Something that's being used on the West Coast, for example, won't be in the East, and the South may use terms that aren't common in the Pacific Northwest. And the Midwest is just a hotbed of this sex chat-room stuff."

Um, I've lived Midwest-ish. It's a lot of things. A "hotbed of this sex chat-room stuff" is not one of them. I think I would have known if it was. I found the Midwestish area to be cold. Thus, I would have loved a hotbed of any kind! But a hotbed of sex chat-room stuff? That sounds pretty toasty! But even if there isn't a sexy, Midwest hotbed, Jansen still holds to trying to make her list sound legitmate and important by saying, "It's a good overview of what parents ought to be aware of, even if their kids aren't going to these weird chat rooms, because kids pick them up anyway." Soooooo...what you're saying is that parents should be aware of what it is that their children are doing? Wow, I've never thought of that as something a parent should be doing. Thank God for NetLingo.com! Whatever.

"It's like when I was young and my friends and I looked up dirty words in the dictionary." Um, how old is she? And what kind of dictionary was this with all of these 'dirty words'? Like what? No way you're going to find the F-word in a dictionary during the days of yore! I could be wrong (again), but I don't think so. Oh! But maybe she's from the old-time-y Midwest where it was just a hotbed of sex dictionary stuff! Sounds like a rip-roarin' childhood she had there.

MYFOXATLANTA.com has the list. It's lame. It's laughably lame. I'm thinking perhaps it was composed by a teenager in the hopes that parents everywhere would learn this lingo that has nothing at all to do with anything that the teenagers are texting! Better yet would be if the parents started using this lingo themselves, thinking all the while how super-cool they were when in reality they were becoming bigger mega-dorks by the minute.

The list starts off with some numerical acronyms. They list "8" as standing for oral sex. What happened to "69"? Where did that go? Eight? An eight is a snowman! It's not oral sex! Wrong! Next?! Both "143" and "459" are supposed to mean "I love you", while 182 is supposed to mean "I hate you". "182" should be the answer to any consumption question. "How many did you have?" "I ate two." I get that "459" stands for the first letter of each word in "I love you" if you go by the corresponding keypad letters, but how "143" is "I love you", I don't get that one. Why isn't it "I love three"? The 3 on the keypad is DEF. Maybe "143" really means "I love Def Leppard." Yeah, that's probably it. Man, I am feeling cooler by the minute!

They felt the need to throw in the word "banana" as an acronym by saying that it stands for....penis, that is correct. Look, I am familiar with the term "banana hammock", thus I am well aware that a penis can be called a banana. However, THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT AN ACRONYM!! Morons.

OK, here are the ones that I have a hard time believing are commonly used by teenagers. At the very least, I'm certainly hoping that they're not being used by teenagers. My commentary shall follow. SIK (Shocking, I know.).

• FMLTWIA - F-Me Like The Whore I Am (DGMTC - Don't give me this crap. They don't use that!)


• ILF/MD - I Love Female/Male Dominance (IHSA - I hate stupid acronyms)


• MPFB - My Personal F*** Buddy (AOTACFB - As Opposed To A Community F*** Buddy?)
  
  
• NIFOC - Nude In Front Of Computer (ACATT - Always Clothed, All The Time.)


• FOL - Fond of Leather (FOP - Fronds Of Palms)


• DUSL - Do You Scream Loud? (STFU - Self explanatory)


• IMEZRU - I Am Easy, Are You? (YIAAAW - Yes, I Am Also A Whore)


• NALOPKT - Not A Lot Of People Know That (TBYMTU - That's Because You Made This Up)

NetLingo.com also has another list which is so comprehensive it's useless. The Net Lingo List of Acronyms & Text Message Shorthand (noticeably NOT called TNLLOAATMS) doesn't seem to be much more than the typical acronym creations of every variation of a short phrase or quip that could possibly come out of someone's mouth. Things like the AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse. One of the 'acronyms' that they include is "?", which they also inform us means "I have a question." (I'm looking for INADAATNAA (I'm Not A Dumb Ass And That's Not An Acronym", but it's strangely absent.)

One of my favorites: ABITHIWTITB - A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush. Yes, because teenagers are constantly shouting that saying at each other all the time! Other favorites include:

• BARB - Buy Abroad But Rent In Britain! A CONSTANT topic os discussion for the youngsters during their every waking moment!
  
  
• IWBAPTAKYAIYSTA - I Will Buy A Plane Ticket And Kick Your Ass If You Say That Again. Uh-huh. (Oh, that means YES.)

I noticed that there are quite a few that have dual meanings that really have little in common with each other and could be the basis for some major miscommunication. Things like:

• ADN: Advanced Digital Network OR Any Day Now

• AFK: Away From Keyboard or A Free Kill
  
  
• BBB: Bye Bye Babe OR Boring Beyond Belief (Yeah, mixing up those two would NOT be good.)
  
  
• BTFO: Back The F*** Off OR Bend The F*** Over. (See? One says "Get away!" The other says, "Welcome to prison.")
  
  
• CID: Consider It Done OR Crying In Disgrace.
  
  
• GFY: Good For You OR Go F*** Yourself.
  
  
• PBJ: Peanut Butter and Jelly OR Pretty Boy Jock (If you're telling someone they're a PBJ-Pretty Boy Jock, you're going to find yourself with YAK, Your Ass Kicked.)
  
  
• PFA: Pulled From Ass OR Please Find Attached
  
  
• SWAG: Scientific Wild Ass Guess OR SoftWare And Giveaways

No CLUE as to what some of these even mean!

• LOMBARD - Lots Of Money But A Right Dick. Um, what?
  
  
• GSYJDWURMNKH - Good Seeing You Just Don't Wear Your Monkey Hat. Kids these days and all of their monkey hat talk!
  
  
• WYSIALOB - What You See Is A Load Of Bullocks. Sandra Bullocks?! That'd be great! But I don't think that's it.
  
  
• YACC - Yet Another Calendar Company. What the hell?
  
  
• PNATMBC - Pay No Attention To Man Behind Curtain.
  
  
• FF&PN - Fresh Fields And Pastures New. New pastures, but same damned alpacas.
  
  
• BCBG - Belle Cu Belle Geulle.
  
  
• C&G - Chuckly and Grin (Are they like Ren and Stimpy? Itchy and Scratchy? Tom and Jerry?)
  
  
• LLOM - Like Leno On Meth. Why would Jay Leno be on meth? What would that be like? He'd just do his monologue for 24 hours straight while cleaning tile grout with a Q-Tip? I don't get it.
  
  
• MFG - Mit freundlichen Gruessen Means just what it sounds like it means!
  

Let's review, shall we? NetLingo.com thinks that there are a whole bunch of acronyms that parents need to learn/know so that they will know what their children are texting about. Their children, however, know that (in a lot of cases) their parents have never even sent a text in their life and probably won't be doing so anytime soon. The list is long and ridiculous and the ones that NetLingo implies parents should be the most "in the know" about are ridiculous sex-themed acronyms that no one ever uses...except for the parents that believe NetLingo. A lot of the acronyms are not actually acronyms, but are really more abstract concepts such as "words" and "numbers"; concepts which are apparently not familiar to the NetLingo folks. And finally, a lot of the acronyms are for phrases that not just your teenager wouldn't say, but phrases no one would say.

Look, if you want to know what your kids are texting (on the phone that you, the parent, presumably pays for) ask to see their phone. Oooh! Direct! Shocking. If you don't know what something means, ask them. Again, oooh! Direct! See, that's why I don't get why the list is being passed off as the 'Most Important Acronyms Parents Need To Know Blah-Blah-Blah". Having a list of acronyms (preferably without the stupid ones) is great. But how about if folks don't worry too much about the acronyms and instead pay more attention to their kids and talk to them to find out what they're up to? You'd be amazed at how well they can turn out like that. The other day I had someone (who happens to be an amazing mother of two highly functional, successful kids) put it like this: "It's really not that hard. You just decide, stick with it, don't be a freak about it and then they carry it out themselves." And since she has the excellent young adult children that she raised to back that statement up, it seems logical to me.

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Japan's LIST - Little Insulting Stupid Toys

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, here's to hoping that you had a good Thursday. Now, onto Japan! (That is possibly the worst segway ever.) It seems that in Japan, a great deal of people who are under 25 have taken to a way of expressing themselves that involves yellow cards printed with "acronyms". The cards are produced by one of the top toy companies in Japan and are becoming quite popular with the under-25 crowd and are causing what will likely been seen as unnecessary concern and worry among the over-25 crowd, according to the Times Online.

(I've placed "acronyms" in quotes because what the Japanese are calling an "acronym" I am simply calling "initials" because the majority contain only two letters. I think of acronyms as needing to have at least three letters. Some (like the US Government) prefer their acronyms to have many letters. Then again, the US Government prefers just about everything that they do to have a catchy little acronym. Everything.) And really, I'm being kind of lenient by just going with "initials", as a more accurate title for them could be "stupid". Or "ridiculous". Or "trendy and inane".)

According to those Times Online folks, Japan is "...no longer the land of harmony and politeness but a grim new world of acrimony by acronym." (Ooohh...grimness and acrimony. Sounds sinister.) The example that is given of "acrimony by acronym" is "She thinks he's too bloody KY by far, and he's sick to death of being treated like an NTT - and if things get much more MM, he's going to MK5 and she's going to jolly well flounce off to HR. " Uh-huh. I see. Well, allow me to provide an acronym of my own to express my opinion of that. WTF?

Some toy company has produced these acronym cards. (Oh, great. Cards. The Japanese love things with cads. That's the only explanation as to why we're still stuck with that damn Pokemon thing!) "...46 of the most common new acronyms have been published as a series of “yellow cards” to be waved in the faces of victims." Are they serious? If those are the basics of this "acrimony by acronym", then the Japanese have a lot to learn about expressing their opinions to others. For starters, you don't need a card! I don't care what color it is! What? They can't insult people or tell them what they think in the form of an acronym without a card? Sure you can! Try driving on a California freeway during rush hour. We simply use hand gestures instead of cards to express one of the more colorful acronyms: "FU".

And they wave the card in the other person's face? That's OK? But just telling someone you think they're a jerk is not? It's like some testy (and psychotic) soccer referee always waving the yellow card in your face. And that's not necessary, is it? I don't think it is. What is it that is so difficult for them to come out and just say that they need to do so with some "Insulting Flash Cards"?

Well, let's look at the above example. There's the "bloody KY" (I'm refraining from any sort of product-genre joke here. And there are plenty that come to mind, but I think all of them would be in extremely poor taste, even for me.), which sounds as if they're trying to infuse a bit of British lingo into their insults. KY stands for "kuki yomenai" and it would seem to mean "clueless". "NTT" stand for "nimotsu tantosha" and the example of that meaning that is given is "He is furious because as an NTT, he has had to lug her bags round the shops like a packhorse." So....husband? MM stands for "maji mukatsu" and means "they are both utterly disgusted with each other." (Huh. So, maybe I was right about the husband part if this is how they both feel! Sounds about right.) MK5 means "maji kireru 5 byo mae." (Since when do word definitions contain numbers? Was there a rule change I wasn't informed about?) It "...suggests that he is going to blow his lid in five seconds." (Why 5 seconds is what I want to know? If he ponders all of the lid blowing, does it become MK10?) And if that happens and "she's going to jolly well flounce off to HR" (See? Again with the British!), then you should know that HR stands for "hitori ranchi", which means she's going to show him by "going off to eat on her own!" Good Lord....

Another example of how this seems to be occurring is if "...someone hogs the stage at karaoke, he might suddenly find himself confronted by a flurry of cards bearing the letters “MB” - maiku ga betobeto, or “sticky microphone”. Huh. Again, and I know it's a cultural thing, but "sticky microphone" could have an entirely different meaning here in the US. Yellow card or not (probably not). But a flurry? I realize the Japanese take their karaoke seriously, but enough to flurry with the yellow cards and all? I had no idea. (And I liked it better that way!)

The concern is (apparently) because the acceptance of the acronym usage as a medium for insulting others or expressing anger seems to have "...made it socially acceptable for Japanese to speak their minds and, disturbingly, uncorked a latent need to insult." Not just to insult, but to insult with brightly colored yellow cards nonetheless!

I will give them this: Some of their acronyms are hilarious, thus, they kind of make you wonder how many have been keeping a lid on their anger for how long. Especially when it's directed specifically at one target. The article surmises that "Perhaps most dreadful of all would be the husband hearing himself called an ATM by his wife - “ahona teishu mo iranai”, or “the idiot man I don't need in my life anymore." (I was thinking that most men already feel like an ATM for their wife, but I was thinking in terms of money, not idiots.) The most dreadful, eh? Once again, the glaring differences between the US culture and the Japanese culture are distinctly illustrated!

Want more examples?! Good! Behold! Japanese acronyms which stand for insults that they would rather convey to you via yellow card than just to cowboy up and say something! Behold!

• AB: Amai mono wa betsubara - The kind of woman who has a separate stomach for puddings (What the heck does that mean? Like a cow has five stomachs? Japanese women have a separate stomach for pudding? I like pudding, but I don't want another stomach for it.)


• GM: Gyudon no hou ga mashi - Even gyudon (very cheap fast food) is better than this muck (Yeah, that's going to go over real well at the dinner table when you whip out your cute little card and flip it at the person responsible for the "muck". Sure. Let me know how that turns out.)
  
  
• FK: Fande koi - Someone who trowels on the make-up (Huh. So FK in this weird Japanese card lingo means "whore". Interesting.)
  
  
• ND: Ningen to shite douyo - What the hell kind of person is this? (The exact question I'm asking about whoever it was that came up with this "system" of venting. That's all it is, you know? It's just venting! You don't need to pay money for a card to vent! Sorry, Hallmark.)
  


• OBM: Okubyoumono - A man too chicken to ask a girl on a date (They don't have a card for this? That's an untapped market right there. Oooohh...yeah, pun intended.)
  


• DD: Daredemo daisuki - The kind of person who falls for anyone (See above.)
  


• NS: Noryoku yori seikaku - Someone promoted way beyond his competence (And after Barack Obama is sworn in, the United States' own NS will finally be out of office.)

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You're Going To Run Out Of Letters

Sick of my blathering about Proposition 8 yet? Good God, me too. But since you might be watching or reading the news about the protests that went on this past weekend, I just wanted to clarify some terminology that you might hear or read (hopefully on a non-hateful sign. You know, a sign that doesn't make the person holding it look like a moron. Or a moran. Whichever.).

It's likely that you'll run across the term LGBT. See, the gay community wants to be all inclusive. Sometimes too inclusive, but more on that later. LGBT, as you may or may not be able to deduce, stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender/Transsexual. I have no idea why they are in that order other than possibly 'Ladies First'. Also, they might have chosen an order that specifically avoided have the 'BLT' together because then people wouldn't think 'gay' when they saw it, they're think 'Mmmm....bacon." And quite frankly, associating bacon with those who are gay is really quite misleading. The point is that there's really no catchy acronym you can make (with just those letters). But recently I was made aware that a "Q" had been incorporated at some point in time and the acronym was now reading something like "LGBTQ". It was all news to me. (What isn't?)

Like most waking moments of my day, I was clueless as to when, where and why the "Q" had come about (or would it be when the "Q" had come out?). Initially, I thought it might stand for 'Queer', but that seemed a bit redundant. I mean, you already have the L and the G leading the way on that one, if it was supposed to stand for 'Queer', I would find that excessive. But it doesn't stand for 'Queer'. It stands for something else, which I find both excessive and unnecessary.

The 'Q', apparently, stands for 'Questioning'. Now, it has been brought to my attention on more than one occasion through a few rounds of jestful name calling, that I am 'questioning', but not in the sense of sexuality, just in the sense of everything. Actually, I was dubbed 'Question-y Question-son'. Yes, I do believe that was the moniker. But again, I just question stuff. Most stuff, actually, because stuff is confusing. But I don't question me. I am well aware that I'm an enigma wrapped in a conundrum. Or something like that. Whatever it is, there's no questioning required of me in regard to me. But for everything else? I tend to ask what the hell is going on. And that's what I'm doing here, but I don't need a special letter to do so. And really, no one else does either. I'm just sayin'.

But apparently, others do question themselves, though not in the way that I question others. No, they're not sitting around saying to themselves, "Self, what were you thinking?" These folks, the 'Q' folks, they're questioning their sexuality (apparently). So the LGBT initial people decided that these folks who aren't quite sure what they are can be in "the club" AND have a letter. Personally, I think they should have gone with 'M' for 'Maybe'.Then again, I don't really think that someone who may not be a full-fledged, card carrying member should be initialized on the monogram. But I didn't get the memo that they were doing this, so apparently I missed my chance to bitch (which is highly unlike me.). I mean, couldn't there just be like a "Visitor's Day" or something like that? You know, take a tour, meet some folks, have a few cookies, stuff like that. It sounds quite friendly, I don't see the problem.

The thing is, when you start changing things to be all inclusive, sometimes you lose your head and get carried away. As I did a little research on this topic, I learned that there are many, many more initials that can be attached to the LGBT. (Translation: Someone lost their head and got carried away. Headless homosexuals, running amok. It's not a pretty sight, I'll tell you what.) It's like the letters are Legos or Velcro or something and if you get them next to any other letter....BAM! They just stick like glue.

You can also add (though I'd rather you didn't) :

• A "U" for "Unsure" (As in "I am unsure about this list." And isn't "Unsure" just another way of saying "Questioning"? I think it is. Who was in charge of this acronym? Roget? Was he gay?)
  
  
• An "I" for "Intersex" (Sounds too much like "Interstate" for me. Though a map would have come in handy more than once. But I'm worried it might confuse folks. (I guess that would be where the "Q" and the "U" could come in, right?)
  


• Another "T" for "Transvestite" (Why not just go with IJASTFTT? You know, "I'm Just A Sweet Transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Why stop with just the ONE "T"? If you're going to be silly about this, please, go all the way!)


• Another "T" or a "TS" for Two-Spirit. You can also start throwing numbers into this alphabet soup and go with a "2" to denote the "Two-Spirit" as well. (A Two-Spirit would seem to be a gay Native American. Stay tuned for the letters that will stand for gay Eskimos, gay midgets and gay tightrope walkers. )
  
  



• An "SA" for "Allies" (This is a straight person who supports gay rights. Think Kathy Griffin, Cher, or anyone you know who is straight and supports gay rights, but may or may not have their own reality show. That encompasses an awful lot of people. Not enough, but a lot. This is becoming a very all-inclusive group for something that is supposedly made up of a relatively small segment of society. I think it's going to start losing any significance if we keep adding letters. You'll just end up with an "S" for "Society" and call it a day. )
  
  
• An "A" for "Asexual" (A sexual what?)


• A "P" for "Pansexual" (If you're attracted skillets and other kitchenwares? Attracted to Peter Pan?)


• A "P" for "Polyamorous" (Distant cousin of "Polywannacracker".) Actually, this is the motivation behind "polygamy". One who is "polyamorous" and desires more than one intimate and connected relationship and then does so with the consent of all who are involved. WHY on Earth anyone would want more than one full-blown relationship at any given time is beyond me! I have a hard enough time juggling ONE. If I had to do more than one I'd hang myself! It sounds just horrible.
  


• An "O" for "Omnisexual" (This would seem to be a fancy word for "bisexual", which is already covered in the acronym as demonstrated by the letter "B" in "LGBT". See, it's right there! No need for another.)

I'm sure there probably would have been more attached to this ridiculously long monogram, but there are only 26 letters in the alphabet and I think they were running low at this point.

Are you freaking kidding me?!?! Whose idea was this?! At this point, THIS is what you end up with:

LGBTQUITTSAAPPO

Yeah, that's nice. Very simple. Easy to remember, too, right? NO! NO, IT ISN'T!! It's ridiculous!

Since when do you include people in something that might not even really be in there? Like the "U" or the "Q?" Unsure? Questioning? They're the same!! And can't some of those others just fall into the 'Bisexual' category? The "O", one of the "P"s, they could both be designated by the "B", couldn't they? (If you aren't real fond of the "B", it could be changed to an "H" for "Heteroflexible". I wouldn't mind.) And the "A"? Asexual is NO attraction to either gender. Why are they thrown in there?! That's like if you had a group that liked to eat only green vegetables (I'll call them the OGVs for the purpose of this ridiculous example) and then you decided that you'd include those who don't eat any vegetables! You're telling me you're going to change your name and become the OGVONs? (Only Green Vegetables Or Not.) I don't think you are!

What if other groups did this? Like the AARP? What if they felt the need to include the different kinds of retired people? The ones with Alzheimer's? The ones with a motor home? The ones who knit? The ones who play shuffleboard? The ones who sew things all the live long day! Are they going to change their name to the AARAMHKSSP? Well, at least with that they could have a catchy acronym like "A HAM SPARKS." And even though I don't really want to start associating the elderly with salted meats which are aflame, I will admit that a catchy acronym goes a long way.

So I mentioned to a friend of mine my horror at the overly lengthy and all-inclusive acronym that was once LGBT. And I cannot tell you how glad I am that I did. Because the response that I received was nothing less than brilliant. Simply brilliant. She suggested a complete overhaul of the acronym itself. Her replacement? ABS.

Anything But Straight.

All inclusive. Easy to remember. Short! No duplications. No sneaky synonyms. And it's accurate. Problem solved! ABS it is!

Gay. It doesn't have to be complicated!

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