Why Would You Buy That?

I think that it's been well established here that I simply do not get people. I don't. I don't understand what makes a lot of people work. Or maybe it's that I don't understand how they make themselves work for them. I mean, how can some people be so incredibly dense in the thinking department, yet still manage to find employment at which they perform poorly at best? Here's my most recent example of this phenomenon which I think I just explained terribly. Look at this "greeting card" that Target was carrying. Behold!

That's right. It says "next time you think of dating the bad boy, consider whitney houston. that's all i'm going to say." I'll get to that in a minute, but I'd first like to say that the next time that you think of writing a asinine greeting card, consider punctuation and capitalization. That's all I'm going to say...about that. I've got plenty to say about the rest of it.

First off, in what sense is this a "greeting" card? What exactly are we "greeting"? It's not for a specific holiday. It's not for a specific occasion. So what is it for? Is it for when you really want to give snarky advice to someone but you just can't find the words on your own? Is it for butting into someone else's business under the guise of the "greeting"? I don't get it. I can't think of a single "occasion" on which I would want to give this card. Not one. Can you? Of course you can't.
You know why? Because it's stupid, that is correct.


Now, Target claims that they were carrying these cards loooooong before Ms. Houston decided to explore the underwater depths of her tub sans snorkel but not without copious amounts of alleged Xanax. But now that she's newly deceased, somehow that makes these cards suddenly in poor taste. I can't quite grasp why that is, though. I'm not saying that it was ever in good taste. I guess I just can't get past how stupid this card is to begin with and still cannot fathom why anyone would have bought this in the first place.


But now that Target knows that Whitney Houston is dead, they have begun removing the card from their shelves. Sooooo...it's OK to mock someone's poor choice in partners as long as they're alive? But after they're dead, then it's completely forbidden? How does that work? Target, I'm adding you to my list of pansy retailers who cower at the very thought that they might be involved in some sort of fakeroversy. (Fakeroversy. That's a fake controversy. I haven't used that term in a while, so I thought I'd just clarify.) If anyone actually complained (and I can't imagine that anyone actually did), Target should have just told them to get over it and kept the card on their shelves. I still don't get how it would be offensive after she died. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to be offended when she was still alive? (Then again, in this scenario I think that I'm assuming that Whitney Houston would have given a crap about a Target "greeting" card that poked fun of her poor choice of a husband. I don't think she would have cared. Nor do I know how she would have known. Was she often seen frequenting the aisles at Target? I can't possibly imagine that.)


Furthermore, I am so not buying into their claim that they had this on their shelves before she died. Whitney Houston wasn't exactly a household name anymore at the time of her untimely submergement. There wasn't someone more well-known that they could have gone with? Katy Perry, perhaps. Her short-lived union to Russell Brand could have been seen as a "bad boy" marriage. At least people would know who Katy Perry is (after they realize that she isn't Zooey Deschanel), even though they still wouldn't have a freaking clue as to which occasion such a card is appropriate.

And look, I got so agitated with the whole concept of the card that I completely forgot about my initial point. That point being that some softhead out there had to design this card and think it was a good idea. Another softhead had to think that this card was a good idea and OK it after that. There had to have been several other softheads involved in the production of this card who thought it was a good idea in order for it to get the point where it's actually on the shelves at Target. Who are these people who thought this was a good idea, especially if it was done after Whitney's death (even though I don't believe for a minute that's the case)? How are these people making decisions like that and they're still getting through life? How do they have jobs where they're allowed to make any decision at all?! These are questions that I will likely never get an answer to. Such questions used to keep me up at night, but now they just make me sad. Sad because we're doomed.

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Misplaced Outrage Is Misplaced

I'm a little surprised that radio talk show hosts John and Ken were suspended yesterday for making on-air remarks about Whitney Houston that didn't exactly paint her in the most flattering light. If you're not familiar with John and Ken, it's not like they're journalists or anything. They mostly go over their topics from a subjective point of view. And I'm trying to figure out why what they said was interpreted as being so over the top that they were suspended until February 27.

Here's part of what they said. Tell me how this is crossing some sort of line. "She's been cracked out for 20 years, and we heard how obnoxious she was these parties, I mean, she's doing handstands, she's babbling like an idiot, running around ... she's a mess ... She's been doing this for 20 years.... So, how much of a pain in the ass do you think she was? Can you imagine, you're Clive Davis, and she has not been -- she has not had her head screwed on right for 20 years? At some point you’re just sick of it all, and so is everybody else in the industry, all her friends and hangers on, everybody who knew had to deal with her, it’s like, 'ah, Jesus, here comes the crack ho again, what’s she gonna do; Oh, look at that, she’s doing handstands next to the pool. Very good, crack ho, nice.' After a while, everybody’s exhausted. And then you find out she’s dead. It’s like, 'really ... took this long?'"

Wow. That does not seem like it's suspension worthy. John and Ken say an awful lot of things and I'd consider some (or a lot) of them to be more inflammatory than that. Is it because of the 'ho' part? I mean, I don't recall there being any hard evidence that she was, in fact, a ho. So that could be misleading...if you're a complete moron. If you're a complete moron and you're listening to that and what you took away from that was that she was performing sexual acts in exchange for crack then you should never listen to the radio ever again. Turn it off immediately and read a book. Preferably something factual like a dictionary or a phone book. Whatever you do, just do not listen to anyone's opinion. And please don't listen to anyone's sarcastic opinion. That's not going to help you.

But other than that, I don't think that they said anything that is out of line. In fact, what they said seems kind of like what a lot of other people have said and/or what a lot of other people have thought. She was on drugs. She was a mess for 20 years. She was obnoxious at parties. But now that she's dead, no one can say that in a sarcastic manner? Or has 'ho' become SO offensive now that it's the new n-word? This is ridiculous.

Let's look at some "political" cartoons that are out there depicting the death of Whitney Houston. Now, none of them use the word 'ho', but they're not showing anything that is not almost just what John and Ken said. Like this:

"Do not snort the clouds" is acceptable, but "crack ho" is not? Yes, I know that there are two different companies involved here and that they are in no way expected to do the same thing, nor adhere to the same ambiguous "standards" as each other. But if there was "outrage" over the "crack ho" comment, why isn't there outrage over "Do not snort the clouds"? And what about this cartoon:

There's a syringe in the background of that cartoon. Do we know for sure that she was injecting drugs? I haven't heard that (though it wouldn't surprise me if that took place at least once). How come it's OK to make a drawing that implies intravenous drug usage, but it isn't OK to refer to her as a woman of extremely loose sexual morals? Again, I realize that these are two different companies that are involved here, but where is the outrage over this? Same with this cartoon:


There's a syringe. Why isn't there outrage? I don't get it. (By the way, I like this cartoon. It's probably a pretty accurate depiction of how she felt. I'm guessing. I have nothing to base it on other than her having everything at one point and then spending twenty years doing drugs. That's all.) John and Ken say "crack ho" and they're off the air for a week? It makes no sense. Way to go, Clear Channel. How many people actually complained? I can't imagine it being that many. And even if it was, so what? They don't have to listen. They need to get over themselves. So does Clear Channel. Way to go, morons.

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Off The Rails

People have seriously gone off the rails with this whole Whitney Houston death thing. I'm getting a little tired of everyone reporting her death by giving a brief recap of her life where they mention what a great voice she had and they omit how she ruined her voice by doing drugs for twenty years. I'm not trying to be sanctimonious about the whole thing. I just think that it's something that needs to be mentioned so that her lifestyle or her choices aren't glamorized.

According to the Washington Post, the governor of New Jersey, the ridiculously large Chris Christie, has decided that all flags in New Jersey shall fly at half mast. Because...she was a war hero? Hmm...I don't think that's it. I think I'd remember something like that. No, I'm pretty sure that she was a really good singer about 25 years ago and wasted her talent by doing a bunch of drugs that would appear to have ultimately killed her. And folks in New Jersey are supposed to honor that with the flag at half staff? Are we just doing that for anyone now? Anyone with any shred of public familiarity is worthy of having the flag at half staff? Way to trivialize what that gesture actually symbolizes, Governor Christie. She was found dead in a hotel bathtub, for cryin' out loud! It's NOT commendable!

And as long as I'm rambling on about things I don't get about this whole ordeal, let's talk about her funeral. At first, it had been announced that it would be a public funeral at the Prudential Center which holds 19,000 people. And while that's a nice gesture for her fans (and people who would want to post pictures and footage on YouTube), her family decided that they wanted to just do an invitation only event. For 1,500 people. Am I the only one who finds that ridiculous? It's not like it's going to be an intimate affair or anything with that many people there. It's their deal. I get that. But I just found it ridiculous that they first announced it would be a public funeral in a venue that could hold 19,000 people and then they changed their mind because they wanted a smaller affair and are still inviting 1,500 people.

I'll be glad when all of this is over. Granted, we still have to wait for toxicology reports to come back and then tough it out while the collective media machine wets itself over the results. But then it'll over. Until it happens again to someone else.

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That Makes No Sense

When someone famous dies, all sort of people have to chime in on what they thought of the person and/or of their death if it was untimely or unexpected. Doesn't matter who it is. Doesn't matter if they actually "knew" the person more than just knew of them. None of that matters. What matters (apparently) is that they have something that they want to say and someone else is wanting to hear it and let them say it. I'm going to go ahead and say that's not exactly the best idea because the person might be grief-stricken or something and might say something completely asinine. (Do you like how I'm going with the 'possibly grief-stricken' angle and not just implying that they're likely a moron? I thought it was subtle.) In the instance of the newly departed Whitney Houston, that person with an opinion is Tony Bennett.

According to the Boston Herald, Tony Bennett was asking what he thought about the demise of Whitney Houston. His answer? A little ramble-y and a lot ridiculous. He said, "First it was Michael Jackson, then Amy Winehouse, now the magnificent Whitney Houston. . . . I’d like every person in this room to campaign to legalize drugs. . . . Let’s legalize drugs like they did in Amsterdam. No one’s hiding or sneaking around corners to get it. They go to a doctor to get it." Where to begin?

I guess I'll just dive right in. Look, I'm not going to claim to be an expert on the drug laws of Amsterdam or any other part of the Netherlands. But from what I understand, pot is totally legal over there and sold freely about. I don't think that it's a total drug free for all or anything. And it's also not like it isn't regulated. So if that's what Tony Bennett is referring to, I have some shocking news for him. That news being that I highly doubt that Whitney Houston died from an overdose of marijuana. In fact, it's kind of looking like she took a bunch of Xanax and passed out in the tub. (That would have been fine had the tub not been full of water or had she been wearing scuba gear.)

And that brings me to my second point. Michael Jackson died from an overdose of a sedative that could have been used to tranquilize an elephant. Amy Winehouse died from alcohol poisoning. And it's looking like Xanax and a tub full of water has done in Whitney. You know what all three of those deaths have in common? All involved perfectly legal substances. Needing a prescription, maybe, but legal regardless. Tony Bennett wants drugs legalized so that they can go to a doctor to get it? Two of them did! What is he talking about?!

How old is Tony Bennett? 85? Well, he looks great. He should just probably stop talking about things. Most things. He sings well. Can he just stick to singing? It'd probably be best. He's not very good at the talking.

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Houston, We Have A Problem

Dammit, Costner! You had ONE job! (Too soon? I've been trying really hard not to crack any jokes. What's that? I did it again?...Dammit!) That's right. Whitney Houston has apparently died. This is going to be the worst Black History Month ever. (Yeah, I'm giving up that whole 'too soon for jokes' thing. I was never very good at it. I can't let a good joke just blow on by.) I can feel it! And while I find her death unfortunate, but not unexpected. She never seemed to me like she was ever off of the drugs. (Thanks a lot, BOBBAY!) Anyway, here is a comic which pretty much describes the current media coverage of this event. What a story. R. IIIIIIIIIIIaaaaaaaaIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIaaaaaaaaIIIIIIIIIIII. P.
(Think about it.)

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Houston, We Still Have A Problem

Crack is whack, kids. Here's Whitney Houston giving the concert circuit in Europe a go. Let's just say that it didn't go all that well. I guess that fifteen years of huffing on a crack pipe with Bobby Brown wears on your voice. Huh. Who knew?

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Crack is Whack

Don't do drugs, kids. Drugs are bad. Drugs will take their toll upon you faster than you realize. Now, for Whitney Houston, I'm not sure how "fast" drugs took their toll, but the drugs definitely took her voice and they took her gift. Below is a video of her singing recently in Brisbane (that's in Australia). She's supposed to be singing "I Will Always Love You". And technically, she is singing that song. But it's not the Whitney Houston of yore that's singing it. It's the new Whitney. The one that spent years sucking on a crack pipe or a meth pipe or whatever pipe it was that ruined her pipes. It's just a sad, sad testimony of how something so beautiful and so wonderful can just be thrown away like she did with it. When she was good, there was nothing like her. And now that she's not so good, I highly doubt that there ever will be anything like her in the near future, if ever. It's very sad. It's also a horrible attempt at an awesome song. Ugh.

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