Misplaced Outrage Is Misplaced

I'm a little surprised that radio talk show hosts John and Ken were suspended yesterday for making on-air remarks about Whitney Houston that didn't exactly paint her in the most flattering light. If you're not familiar with John and Ken, it's not like they're journalists or anything. They mostly go over their topics from a subjective point of view. And I'm trying to figure out why what they said was interpreted as being so over the top that they were suspended until February 27.

Here's part of what they said. Tell me how this is crossing some sort of line. "She's been cracked out for 20 years, and we heard how obnoxious she was these parties, I mean, she's doing handstands, she's babbling like an idiot, running around ... she's a mess ... She's been doing this for 20 years.... So, how much of a pain in the ass do you think she was? Can you imagine, you're Clive Davis, and she has not been -- she has not had her head screwed on right for 20 years? At some point you’re just sick of it all, and so is everybody else in the industry, all her friends and hangers on, everybody who knew had to deal with her, it’s like, 'ah, Jesus, here comes the crack ho again, what’s she gonna do; Oh, look at that, she’s doing handstands next to the pool. Very good, crack ho, nice.' After a while, everybody’s exhausted. And then you find out she’s dead. It’s like, 'really ... took this long?'"

Wow. That does not seem like it's suspension worthy. John and Ken say an awful lot of things and I'd consider some (or a lot) of them to be more inflammatory than that. Is it because of the 'ho' part? I mean, I don't recall there being any hard evidence that she was, in fact, a ho. So that could be misleading...if you're a complete moron. If you're a complete moron and you're listening to that and what you took away from that was that she was performing sexual acts in exchange for crack then you should never listen to the radio ever again. Turn it off immediately and read a book. Preferably something factual like a dictionary or a phone book. Whatever you do, just do not listen to anyone's opinion. And please don't listen to anyone's sarcastic opinion. That's not going to help you.

But other than that, I don't think that they said anything that is out of line. In fact, what they said seems kind of like what a lot of other people have said and/or what a lot of other people have thought. She was on drugs. She was a mess for 20 years. She was obnoxious at parties. But now that she's dead, no one can say that in a sarcastic manner? Or has 'ho' become SO offensive now that it's the new n-word? This is ridiculous.

Let's look at some "political" cartoons that are out there depicting the death of Whitney Houston. Now, none of them use the word 'ho', but they're not showing anything that is not almost just what John and Ken said. Like this:

"Do not snort the clouds" is acceptable, but "crack ho" is not? Yes, I know that there are two different companies involved here and that they are in no way expected to do the same thing, nor adhere to the same ambiguous "standards" as each other. But if there was "outrage" over the "crack ho" comment, why isn't there outrage over "Do not snort the clouds"? And what about this cartoon:

There's a syringe in the background of that cartoon. Do we know for sure that she was injecting drugs? I haven't heard that (though it wouldn't surprise me if that took place at least once). How come it's OK to make a drawing that implies intravenous drug usage, but it isn't OK to refer to her as a woman of extremely loose sexual morals? Again, I realize that these are two different companies that are involved here, but where is the outrage over this? Same with this cartoon:


There's a syringe. Why isn't there outrage? I don't get it. (By the way, I like this cartoon. It's probably a pretty accurate depiction of how she felt. I'm guessing. I have nothing to base it on other than her having everything at one point and then spending twenty years doing drugs. That's all.) John and Ken say "crack ho" and they're off the air for a week? It makes no sense. Way to go, Clear Channel. How many people actually complained? I can't imagine it being that many. And even if it was, so what? They don't have to listen. They need to get over themselves. So does Clear Channel. Way to go, morons.

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The Five Morons

I'm still trying to figure out how and/or why people who are stone cold morons either get or get to be on talk shows that are supposed to be dealing with a serious subject. You know, like those cable news talk shows about politics and world events and, and, and...the like. How, how, how do they find these people? Or maybe the better question is how do these people manage to pass themselves off as capable right up until the time that they go on the air? And once they're on the air and spewing their nonsense, why are they allowed to continue?

Case in point (because you know I have a motive when I ramble) would be a one Eric Bolling and the cast of something called The Five. According to the Huffington Post, The Five is Fox's replacement show for Glenn Beck. I've never watched The Five. I don't know if they have a chalkboard or if they dress up in funny costumes or even if they occasionally smoke a pipe. (That was my favorite Glenn Beck bit. The pipe. You couldn't help but laugh.) I guess that the premise of the show is that there are always five people there at some sort of roundtable to discuss issues. some of the "personalities" that are to be "showcased" include barely recognizable names such as Greg Gutfeld, Juan Williams, Dana Perino, Judge Andrew Napolitano, Geraldo Rivera, Andrea Tantaros, Eric Bolling, Monica Crowley, Bob Beckel and Kimberly Guilfoyle. Other than Geraldo (who I know you won't admit to knowing who he is, but you do know), do you know who any of them are? I know Dana Perino, but that's just because I'm a news geek. And even being said news geek, I couldn't tell you who any of the others are. Not a good start if you're trying to replace Glenn Beck.

The point here is that the other day, the morons of the round table were discussing whether or not George W Bush engaged in "fear mongering". I think. And this Eric Bolling guy cuts off this Bob Beckel guy (because all they ever do on these shows is cut each other off) and says "America was certainly safe between 2000 and 2008. I don't remember any attacks on American soil during that period of time." Uh, wait. What?You don't remember ANY attacks on American soil between 2000 and 2008? None? Not even a teensy-weensy attack? ON American soil? Doesn't the year 2001 fall in between 2000 and 2008? Yes. Yes, it does. And he doesn't think that there were any attacks on American soil? Huh. So those planes? You know, the ones that flew into those buildings? I think the date was September 11? 2001? That's not an attack? What the what was it then?

Look, there haven't been a whole lot of major attacks on American soil to begin with. It's not like you have a whole bunch of them to get yourself all confused. You have the whole Pearl Harbor thing that led to that World War II thing. That was an attack on American soil. And then there was 09/11. That was an attack on American soil. Yes, there were things in between that killed people. But I'm not going to consider something like the Oklahoma City bombing an "attack" as much as I'm going to consider it an "act". But that's not the point. How in the world do you forget that 09/11 was during the Bush administration!?

But all of that aside. Let's say that you do forget. These things happen. Apparently. But you know what made me more insane than someone making such a ridiculous statement? NO ONE on the freaking panel corrected him! That's right! FIVE people. All sitting right there. All heard what he said. Not ONE person said, "Dude! September 11?" Not ONE. And yet there they sit. On TV. Offering up completely asinine statements about...something. Something false, of course. And I'm sure that they'll all be back tomorrow doing their job that they so clearly suck at. Grand.

I hate them. I hate them all. Why are people like this allowed to make a living? They need to be destitute and on the streets (not streets anywhere near me, of course) as punishment for their dimwittedness. Please, join me in my agony by watching the clip below where this abomination occurs. If it doesn't load, click here. Or if you'd like to save yourself the pain, just don't watch it. It's cringe worthy.

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Failed Late Night Talk Shows Through The Ages

On Friday night, Jay Leno was officially kicked out of his job after 17 years as the host of The Tonight Show. And really, the part that sucks the most is that he was kicked out. Nothing wrong with ratings. Nothing wrong with him. NBC just wanted to move things along, apparently. Move them along where is hard to say. But I guess they know what they're doing. After all, their network has been in last place for the past few years, but maybe this will be the one decision that finally turns things around! (Of course it won't be the magic decision, but there's nothing wrong with spreading a little false hope and empty encouragement.)But here's the thing: Everyone acts like he's going all Johnny Carson on us and will never be seen or heard from again until it's in the form of an obituary. That's not the case. Actually, I'd be willing to bet that more people will be seeing more of him more often because all they're doing with him is moving him to a different time slot. An earlier time slot. Seems that since those hour long dramas which used to fill up the 10pm slot over there at NBC were so expensive to produce, they decided that they'd have Jay do a show that sounds pretty much identical to what he's doing now, just an hour and a half earlier is all.

I happen to think that it's a brilliant move. I enjoy a late night talk show. Jay is a pleasant guy and pretty funny in a predictable/traditional sort of way. I really like Letterman. He's hilarious in an predictable/non-traditional sort of way. (AND on Dave's show, Drew Barrymore once flashed him! Not many opportunities to see a fine pair of perky young breasts on The Tonight Show, that's for sure!) But the thing with Letterman is that the damn thing starts at 12:30am! Who am I? Elvira? I'm always amazed at how many people watch his show because it's on so dang late. It's an hour long, that keeps you up until 1:30am! Do you people not work? Why don't you have jobs? Are you still living in your parents basement? I don't get it.

So having Jay on at 10pm I think is great and I hope it works out for him. And Conan O'Brien is taking over The Tonight Show hosting duties starting tomorrow and I hope that works out well for him too. Because all of it kind of got me thinking about how long it took us to come up with a decent late night talk show line up that has been fairly stable for quite some time now. It wasn't always like this. We didn't always have Jay and Dave and Conan to rely on. There were a bunch of late night talk shows that were just crap and were, thankfully and mercifully cancelled rather quickly. But man, did they suck!

Dateline 1989. "The Pat Sajak Show". Yes. Pat Sajak. Of "R S T L N E" fame. The host of 'Wheel of Fortune.' That Pat Sajak. Pat tried his hand at the late night scene for a while there. And when I say 'for a while' I mean both the length of time that his show was on the air AND the length of each episode. It was 90 minutes long! 90 minutes! Of Pat Sajak! Did anyone not notice that 'Wheel' is a mere 30 minutes? With commercials, we're talking 22-23 minutes. Figure camera time divided three ways between Pat, Vanna and the contestants and you're looking at 7 minutes face time on camera each! But for some inexplicable reason, someone thought that what America needed was almost 13 times more Pat Sajak! Why? Why would we want that?! He talks to each contestant on 'Wheel' for what? 30 seconds? Why would anyone think that he'd be really good at filling up the other 88 1/2 minutes of a 90 minute show where the host interviews people? Maybe if the show had rotating guests that just came through on a conveyor belt and he could say a few words as they glided past his desk, maybe that would have been more comfortable for him. Short of that, it was pretty much doomed from the start.

There was 'The Magic Hour' with host Magic Johnson. That lasted for 40 horrible shows over an unbearably long span of 8 weeks. Naturally, one would think that if someone used to be a remarkable championship NBA player that they would be a natural choice to host a talk show! There's just so much talking and conversational interactions between players on the court throughout an entire NBA game, he should have been a natural, right?

Yeah, not so much. But you know what the problem was, right? Exactly! That not enough black actors and actresses would commit to go on the show and instead preferred to go on Leno or Letterman, that is correct and that is why it failed. Wait. That's not wha....Oooohhhh. That was Magic's reason for the failure. OK. So what I'm really saying is: It just sucked.

40 shows? That's it? Well, even with 40 shows, at least he garnered some ratings! Unlike John McEnroe who, unbeknownst to me or my memory, had a talk show in 2004. While it technically lasted for 6 months, it averaged somewhere right around about 75,000 viewers per night. No, I did not forget a zero. Seventy-five thousand. That's it. His Nielsen Rating number? 0.00. That's pretty sad. Then again, giving him a show in the first place was pretty sad to start with. But I guess there must be something within producers everywhere that just makes them think that if someone used to be a successful athlete that they would be a natural at hosting a late night talk show. Hey! Producers! I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Those journalism degrees and communications degrees that a large percentage of professional athletes (the ones that even bothered to finish college) have? Yeah, they don't mean anything. Those are just the easiest majors for athletes to declare, so they do. They didn't learn anything from it. Obviously! Look at Magic and McEnroe!

Another failed attempt at a late night talk show that could last longer than six months was a venture by a one Keenen Ivory Wayans of "In Living Color" and of Now Defunct Talk Show fame. According to TV.com the show was "...a party-themed talk show with a hip, urban edge. The set resembled a nightclub and the atmosphere was rowdy. The show wasn't hip enough, as it was canceled within the year." "Within the year" seems pretty generous, as I can only find reference to there being just eleven shows. ELEVEN? I think milk sitting on your counter lasts longer than eleven days. I'm pretty sure that the same milk would last longer than eleven hours, which would be the total amount of time the show spent on the air. If you can't outlast a dairy product, you really need to rethink what you're doing. For reals.

The biggest disaster of the failed late night scene would have to be, hands down, Chevy Chase. Chevy is a likeable enough guy when he's doing the one thing that doesn't make him unlikeable and that is not being himself. Apparently, Chevy as Chevy is not fun and people don't like it and they don't like him. It would seem that even Chevy doesn't like Chevy when he's just being Chevy, as he never seemed comfortable, his hands were noticeably tremoring when he was interviewing (and I use that term loosely) guests and yet somehow, he still managed to make it to 25 shows. No telling how many viewers made it through the same 25 shows, but I'm guessing not many. Oh, wait! Unless the crew working on the show counts as viewers! If that's the case, then them! If you'd like to witness this disaster for yourself, check it out on YouTube, via that link.

So Chevy only made it through 25 shows. Keenen made it through at least 11 shows (possibly more, but I can't verify that. I CAN verify the pathetic 11. 12 and over? No one's talkin'!). Could there be any show that would be worse than those two? Could there have been a late night show that lasted less than 25 or, worse yet, less than 11 shows? Is that possible? That would have had to have been a horrible show! The host would have had to have been less than human or not human at all in order for something to do so poorly that it would get pulled after, say, only seven shows, right? Is there a former late night talk show host who bombed that bad? There is! And my less-than-human assumption/assessment is right on, too! Drum roll, please. (Do I look like I have a budget around here? Of course not. Get two pencils and pound them on your desktop yourself. Wish I could do more, but, I can't because I don't want to.)

The host!

Of the!

Shortest run!

Of a late night talk show!

Ever!

In the entire world!

In the entire universe!

iissssss....................

ALF!

Wait. ALF? ALF as in 'Alien Life Form'? THAT ALF?

Yes.

THAT ALF.

And the really frightening thing about this venture? It wasn't in the late 1980s or right after ALF's 4 year run on network TV ended in 1990. No, this was in 2004! WTF?! Why the 14 year wait? Because the producers thought that every almost fifteen years or so that public get a real hankerin' for some ALF? I don't think we do! Perhaps they were hoping that the folks who actually watched ALF in the 1980s would now be old enough to stay up kind of late and would want to rekindle the warmth of their youth by watching ALF. I don't know what they were thinking, but whatever it was, it was wrong. All wrong.

'ALF's Hit Talk Show' aired its first episode on TV Land on July 7, 2004 and was promptly placed on hiatus until November, 2004, proving that it was not only unpopular, but it also had a misleading name. After the first episode hit the airwaves it was announced that six more episodes would air weekly! But not until November! Why someone thought it was a good idea to let this notion simmer in the brains of anyone who even knew it was on is beyond me. But after those six, it was over. According to ALFtv.net, the cameo appearances by 'celebrities' ended after the second show, having only cameo-ed Joan Rivers, Henry Winkler and someone named Jack Sheldon who, as it turns out, was the voice for the "I'm Just a Bill" and "Conjunction Junction" productions of Schoolhouse Rock lore. Go figure.

ALF's guests ranged from Drew Carey and Dennis Franz on his first show to Tom Arnold, a fitting guest for the last show. In between were a bunch of people who just happened to be walking by the studio when they were getting ready to tape and they pulled them in and made them the 'Guest Star'. That's all I can figure. And what talk show host would be complete without a sidekick/announcer guy who has milked that aspect of his career for the better part of 35+ years? And when you think sidekick/announcer guy, that's right, you think of Ed McMahon! Behold!


Again, if you find yourself sitting on a stage with a 1980s B-List puppet creature that isn't even human who is hosting a talk show, you really need to take some time alone and think really hard about the choices you've made to get you on the other side of the desk from ALF. Especially if you find yourself saying, "Heeeeerrrrreeeee's AAALF!!"

But you know, when I asked a friend if she knew of this phenomenon, she absolutely did! She knew about Ed! She knew ALF had a coffee cup and a desk! I didn't ask her how she knew this, as some things between friends are better left unsaid. But when I said that, had I known it was on when it was on, I'm pretty sure I would have thought the end of civilization as we know it was near. She explained to me in all seriousness that the reason that ALF didn't last more than 7 episodes is because "he was ahead of his time" and "people weren't ready for him." ::: blink ::: ::: blink ::: (She has been under the weather lately. Perhaps the fever got to her!)

But maybe she's right. Maybe humans just aren't to the point where they can process an alien puppet (that has a penchant for ingesting cats) as taking them through the late hours once a week. Maybe (God willing) we never will be. But we don't have to have any cerebral transformation at all in order to continue to enjoy Jay Leno AND get to bed a little bit earlier. We just won't be able to do it until September when his new show hits the air. Until then, well, just be glad it isn't ALF filling the time slot for three months.

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