Failed Late Night Talk Shows Through The Ages

On Friday night, Jay Leno was officially kicked out of his job after 17 years as the host of The Tonight Show. And really, the part that sucks the most is that he was kicked out. Nothing wrong with ratings. Nothing wrong with him. NBC just wanted to move things along, apparently. Move them along where is hard to say. But I guess they know what they're doing. After all, their network has been in last place for the past few years, but maybe this will be the one decision that finally turns things around! (Of course it won't be the magic decision, but there's nothing wrong with spreading a little false hope and empty encouragement.)But here's the thing: Everyone acts like he's going all Johnny Carson on us and will never be seen or heard from again until it's in the form of an obituary. That's not the case. Actually, I'd be willing to bet that more people will be seeing more of him more often because all they're doing with him is moving him to a different time slot. An earlier time slot. Seems that since those hour long dramas which used to fill up the 10pm slot over there at NBC were so expensive to produce, they decided that they'd have Jay do a show that sounds pretty much identical to what he's doing now, just an hour and a half earlier is all.

I happen to think that it's a brilliant move. I enjoy a late night talk show. Jay is a pleasant guy and pretty funny in a predictable/traditional sort of way. I really like Letterman. He's hilarious in an predictable/non-traditional sort of way. (AND on Dave's show, Drew Barrymore once flashed him! Not many opportunities to see a fine pair of perky young breasts on The Tonight Show, that's for sure!) But the thing with Letterman is that the damn thing starts at 12:30am! Who am I? Elvira? I'm always amazed at how many people watch his show because it's on so dang late. It's an hour long, that keeps you up until 1:30am! Do you people not work? Why don't you have jobs? Are you still living in your parents basement? I don't get it.

So having Jay on at 10pm I think is great and I hope it works out for him. And Conan O'Brien is taking over The Tonight Show hosting duties starting tomorrow and I hope that works out well for him too. Because all of it kind of got me thinking about how long it took us to come up with a decent late night talk show line up that has been fairly stable for quite some time now. It wasn't always like this. We didn't always have Jay and Dave and Conan to rely on. There were a bunch of late night talk shows that were just crap and were, thankfully and mercifully cancelled rather quickly. But man, did they suck!

Dateline 1989. "The Pat Sajak Show". Yes. Pat Sajak. Of "R S T L N E" fame. The host of 'Wheel of Fortune.' That Pat Sajak. Pat tried his hand at the late night scene for a while there. And when I say 'for a while' I mean both the length of time that his show was on the air AND the length of each episode. It was 90 minutes long! 90 minutes! Of Pat Sajak! Did anyone not notice that 'Wheel' is a mere 30 minutes? With commercials, we're talking 22-23 minutes. Figure camera time divided three ways between Pat, Vanna and the contestants and you're looking at 7 minutes face time on camera each! But for some inexplicable reason, someone thought that what America needed was almost 13 times more Pat Sajak! Why? Why would we want that?! He talks to each contestant on 'Wheel' for what? 30 seconds? Why would anyone think that he'd be really good at filling up the other 88 1/2 minutes of a 90 minute show where the host interviews people? Maybe if the show had rotating guests that just came through on a conveyor belt and he could say a few words as they glided past his desk, maybe that would have been more comfortable for him. Short of that, it was pretty much doomed from the start.

There was 'The Magic Hour' with host Magic Johnson. That lasted for 40 horrible shows over an unbearably long span of 8 weeks. Naturally, one would think that if someone used to be a remarkable championship NBA player that they would be a natural choice to host a talk show! There's just so much talking and conversational interactions between players on the court throughout an entire NBA game, he should have been a natural, right?

Yeah, not so much. But you know what the problem was, right? Exactly! That not enough black actors and actresses would commit to go on the show and instead preferred to go on Leno or Letterman, that is correct and that is why it failed. Wait. That's not wha....Oooohhhh. That was Magic's reason for the failure. OK. So what I'm really saying is: It just sucked.

40 shows? That's it? Well, even with 40 shows, at least he garnered some ratings! Unlike John McEnroe who, unbeknownst to me or my memory, had a talk show in 2004. While it technically lasted for 6 months, it averaged somewhere right around about 75,000 viewers per night. No, I did not forget a zero. Seventy-five thousand. That's it. His Nielsen Rating number? 0.00. That's pretty sad. Then again, giving him a show in the first place was pretty sad to start with. But I guess there must be something within producers everywhere that just makes them think that if someone used to be a successful athlete that they would be a natural at hosting a late night talk show. Hey! Producers! I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Those journalism degrees and communications degrees that a large percentage of professional athletes (the ones that even bothered to finish college) have? Yeah, they don't mean anything. Those are just the easiest majors for athletes to declare, so they do. They didn't learn anything from it. Obviously! Look at Magic and McEnroe!

Another failed attempt at a late night talk show that could last longer than six months was a venture by a one Keenen Ivory Wayans of "In Living Color" and of Now Defunct Talk Show fame. According to TV.com the show was "...a party-themed talk show with a hip, urban edge. The set resembled a nightclub and the atmosphere was rowdy. The show wasn't hip enough, as it was canceled within the year." "Within the year" seems pretty generous, as I can only find reference to there being just eleven shows. ELEVEN? I think milk sitting on your counter lasts longer than eleven days. I'm pretty sure that the same milk would last longer than eleven hours, which would be the total amount of time the show spent on the air. If you can't outlast a dairy product, you really need to rethink what you're doing. For reals.

The biggest disaster of the failed late night scene would have to be, hands down, Chevy Chase. Chevy is a likeable enough guy when he's doing the one thing that doesn't make him unlikeable and that is not being himself. Apparently, Chevy as Chevy is not fun and people don't like it and they don't like him. It would seem that even Chevy doesn't like Chevy when he's just being Chevy, as he never seemed comfortable, his hands were noticeably tremoring when he was interviewing (and I use that term loosely) guests and yet somehow, he still managed to make it to 25 shows. No telling how many viewers made it through the same 25 shows, but I'm guessing not many. Oh, wait! Unless the crew working on the show counts as viewers! If that's the case, then them! If you'd like to witness this disaster for yourself, check it out on YouTube, via that link.

So Chevy only made it through 25 shows. Keenen made it through at least 11 shows (possibly more, but I can't verify that. I CAN verify the pathetic 11. 12 and over? No one's talkin'!). Could there be any show that would be worse than those two? Could there have been a late night show that lasted less than 25 or, worse yet, less than 11 shows? Is that possible? That would have had to have been a horrible show! The host would have had to have been less than human or not human at all in order for something to do so poorly that it would get pulled after, say, only seven shows, right? Is there a former late night talk show host who bombed that bad? There is! And my less-than-human assumption/assessment is right on, too! Drum roll, please. (Do I look like I have a budget around here? Of course not. Get two pencils and pound them on your desktop yourself. Wish I could do more, but, I can't because I don't want to.)

The host!

Of the!

Shortest run!

Of a late night talk show!

Ever!

In the entire world!

In the entire universe!

iissssss....................

ALF!

Wait. ALF? ALF as in 'Alien Life Form'? THAT ALF?

Yes.

THAT ALF.

And the really frightening thing about this venture? It wasn't in the late 1980s or right after ALF's 4 year run on network TV ended in 1990. No, this was in 2004! WTF?! Why the 14 year wait? Because the producers thought that every almost fifteen years or so that public get a real hankerin' for some ALF? I don't think we do! Perhaps they were hoping that the folks who actually watched ALF in the 1980s would now be old enough to stay up kind of late and would want to rekindle the warmth of their youth by watching ALF. I don't know what they were thinking, but whatever it was, it was wrong. All wrong.

'ALF's Hit Talk Show' aired its first episode on TV Land on July 7, 2004 and was promptly placed on hiatus until November, 2004, proving that it was not only unpopular, but it also had a misleading name. After the first episode hit the airwaves it was announced that six more episodes would air weekly! But not until November! Why someone thought it was a good idea to let this notion simmer in the brains of anyone who even knew it was on is beyond me. But after those six, it was over. According to ALFtv.net, the cameo appearances by 'celebrities' ended after the second show, having only cameo-ed Joan Rivers, Henry Winkler and someone named Jack Sheldon who, as it turns out, was the voice for the "I'm Just a Bill" and "Conjunction Junction" productions of Schoolhouse Rock lore. Go figure.

ALF's guests ranged from Drew Carey and Dennis Franz on his first show to Tom Arnold, a fitting guest for the last show. In between were a bunch of people who just happened to be walking by the studio when they were getting ready to tape and they pulled them in and made them the 'Guest Star'. That's all I can figure. And what talk show host would be complete without a sidekick/announcer guy who has milked that aspect of his career for the better part of 35+ years? And when you think sidekick/announcer guy, that's right, you think of Ed McMahon! Behold!


Again, if you find yourself sitting on a stage with a 1980s B-List puppet creature that isn't even human who is hosting a talk show, you really need to take some time alone and think really hard about the choices you've made to get you on the other side of the desk from ALF. Especially if you find yourself saying, "Heeeeerrrrreeeee's AAALF!!"

But you know, when I asked a friend if she knew of this phenomenon, she absolutely did! She knew about Ed! She knew ALF had a coffee cup and a desk! I didn't ask her how she knew this, as some things between friends are better left unsaid. But when I said that, had I known it was on when it was on, I'm pretty sure I would have thought the end of civilization as we know it was near. She explained to me in all seriousness that the reason that ALF didn't last more than 7 episodes is because "he was ahead of his time" and "people weren't ready for him." ::: blink ::: ::: blink ::: (She has been under the weather lately. Perhaps the fever got to her!)

But maybe she's right. Maybe humans just aren't to the point where they can process an alien puppet (that has a penchant for ingesting cats) as taking them through the late hours once a week. Maybe (God willing) we never will be. But we don't have to have any cerebral transformation at all in order to continue to enjoy Jay Leno AND get to bed a little bit earlier. We just won't be able to do it until September when his new show hits the air. Until then, well, just be glad it isn't ALF filling the time slot for three months.

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You Want To Be Offended, Don't You?

Am I really supposed to be upset or outraged that President Barry made an ill-advised, off the cuff remark during his chat with Jay Leno? I really hope I'm not because I don't think that I can really muster up enough outrage to be convincing and to make it worthwhile. That's because it's just another fake controversy (or fakeroversy) that's been contrived (a contrivroversy), mainly by the media (way to go, CNN), over something that I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who is actually enraged by this and not just people who think that they should be enraged. You shouldn't.

Here's the scoop: President Barry can't bowl. During the campaign he infamously bowled a whopping 37. And of course, almost a year later, the media still leaves out the part that it was not a full game!! He only bowled five or seven frames. That doesn't change the suckiness of the score, but at least it makes it sound like it's explainable. (Yeah, right. As if there is any explanation for an adult with all of his major limbs and organs in functional order who could only bowl a 37. The only explanation for that is 'you are the world's worst bowler'.) So Jay Leno was asking him if he had already ripped the bowling alley out of the White House and was surprised to hear that President Barry had not removed the bowling lanes and had been practicing to the point where he managed to bowl a 129!

That's when Jay started giving him crap about his 37 game and they were both laughing and that's when, in the midst of the laughter, President Barry said, "It was like the Special Olympics or something."

QUICK! Alert the press! Call in the media! Outrage! Bring your fake outrage! Pretend to be really angry! Offended! We need offense! Sound the alarms! Ring the sirens! Bang a drum! (Do we have drums? We do? Then bang them, for cryin' out loud! Didn't you hear what he just said?!?! At least, that's how I picture things right before a media frenzy begins.

OK, look, was it a bonehead thing to say? Sure. Should he have said it? Of course not. Do I think that because he said that it means that President Barry hates disabled people? No. Do I think he said that out of malice? No. Do I think that he has anything at all against anyone because of their disability? No. Of course not. And anyone who does needs to have their soft, soft head that is made out of cheese examined.

Now there's the "outcry" by those claiming to be "offended". To my knowledge, none of those who are "crying out" are either a) Special Olympians or b) disabled. Some of those weighing in on the non-issue were Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, herself the mother of a child with Down syndrome. She said that the comment was “degrading...especially since it was...coming from the most powerful position in the world." "These athletes overcome more challenges, discrimination and adversity than most of us ever will," she said, her words obviously directed to the black President. And still not content to hop off her soap box, she voiced these words of hope: "I hope President Obama’s comments do not reflect how he truly feels about the special needs community."

Oh, for God's sake, woman, did you lose the election and your mind at the same time?! You "hope" he doesn't really feel that way? Do you mean that you think there's a possibility, given all that you know about him, given all that you've seen of him, that he does feel that way? I can't imagine that you really think he might feel that way as opposed to just having said something stupid. You know what it's like to say something stupid that you later really regretted, don't you, Mrs. Palin? Think hard! I'm sure you can come up with a time or two (October and November, perhaps?) when you may have said things that, in hindsight, were not the most well-thought out statements. You keep thinking. I'll get back to you. Or I'll have Katie Couric give you a call.

Who else wants to throw in their inflammatory remarks of fake offense taken after the President's comment? How about Special Olympics Chairman Timothy Shriver? He said, "I think it’s important to see that words hurt, and words do matter." And I totally agree with the guy. But I have yet to hear from the those who were "hurt" by the "words." “And these words that in some respect can be seen as humiliating or a put-down to people with special needs do cause pain, and they do result in stereotypes.” They can be seen that way, yes. Were they in this instance? I don't think so. It wasn't a mean or malicious statement. And he certainly wasn't trying to "humiliate" anyone! That is just ridiculous to even insinuate at. (And fortunately, not all of those involved with Special Olympics in a managerial sense feel the same way as Mr. Shriver, as Lori Arnold, the head of the Special Olympics in MIchigan stated, "We appreciate that the president "wasn't attempting to humiliate the Special Olympics." Finally! Sanity.) But let's see what a Special Olympian's reaction to this was.

Meet Kolan McConiughey, one of the nation's top Special Olympics bowlers with an average of 212 and a total of 5 perfect games. Holy crap, he's good! According to the AJC “He bowled a 129. I bowl a 300. I could beat that score easily." Yeah, he could! President Barry only bowled a 129 once! Kolan would also like to bowl against President Barry and show him a thing or two about bowling. “I’d tell him to get a new bowling ball, new shoes and bring him down to the lane. Keep his body straight, his arm straight and keep his steps straight. He has to practice every single day.” Good advice. Anyone else?

Then there's a one 21-year old Daniel Fletcher of Brentwood. His reaction? "I am willing to get a team to challenge him. I'd challenge him myself." Huh. Doesn't sound bothered. What about his dad, Warren? What did he think? "A little off-key, but he really didn't mean anything negative." Huh.

Actually, his father Warren puts how he feels about what President Barry said into words that are damn near eloquent. The video of him speaking is below and I can only hope that some of those who are trying to stir up something that isn't there would watch it and listen to this guy. They know what he meant. So if something that is supposed to be offensive to a certain person or group is not offensive to that person or group, is it still "offensive"? I don't know. I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, it can still be a stupid thing to say, but I don't think it has to be offensive.

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