Friday, May 9, 2008

Swedish Gratification In English

It has been way too long without any news from Sweden in English. So what better way to bring Sweden back into the English loop than with a story rich with self gratification and women of the cloth. Wait. What?

Seems that a 44 year old man in Sweden has been (according to The Local, Sweden's News In English) "taken in hand" by the local judiciary for masturbating in front of a female church minister. For cryin' out loud. There have to be better ways to seal your spot in hell, don't you think?

The minister had agreed to meet the man in her office after hours because he insisted that he needed to speak to her. I'm sure that ministers don't get a lot of emergency calls, thus I can understand her making accomodations. Who knows when that could ever happen again? (And, judging from how things turned out, who knows when THAT could ever happen again? Let's just hope it's not soon. Or ever.)

She then said that right from the beginning she "felt that all was not well" (perhaps if she hadn't felt anything it would have turned out differently.). Soon she "noticed that her visitor was sporting an erection". (How "soon" after the "not well feeling" did she notice Woody over there?)

She said "He took one of his hands and rubbed it against the bulge." (Hence, the term "masturbation".) And she said that despite her pleas that he cease the masturbatory manualism, he continued his self indulgence in an "unabashed" fashion. (Well, that can't be entirely true. Just by the overall nature of the event, there had to be at least a little bit of "fashion" being "bashed".)

According to the very, very punny folks over at The Local, "it took some time before he eventually beat a reluctant retreat." The minister reported that, "While he was stroking he asked what services I could offer." (Multi-tasking. Huh. Efficient.) But that's it? That's what he asked? Seems kind of like a one hit wonder, if you're asking me.

She also reported that she began receiving anonymous phone calls after the incident which she believed came from the same man. (Well, at least he CALLED! Some men never call!)

The man, of course, denied committing an offense. He said he was "just trying to show the minister a wound on his leg." A wound on his leg?!?! WTF?! How would that work exactly? "It's here! No, here! No, over here! No, here again! Up here! No, down here! No, up! No, down!"

I suppose that all of this should come as no surprise. I mean, look at the map of Sweden below. Just the general physical characteristics of the land seem to promote this type of behavior. Or fetish. Or fondness.

Oh, spank you, The Local. Spank you very much.

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