Friday, May 16, 2008

Cat Fight!

OK, so for a while there we had The Rosie O'Donnell vs. The Donald Trump. You remember, where they would trade barbs every other day for a couple of weeks and then let things simmer down a bit before getting all riled up once again and heading straight for the other's jugular? Then we had the utterly annoying Heather Mills vs. Paul McCartney with Mills' "Ugly Divorce Comments In Public Made To Look Like They Were Not Trying To Be Vicious" hobby. And while that WAS entertaining, we all felt sorry for Paul because, well, because he's Paul Freaking McCartney, for cryin' out loud. But it's been a while since we've had any sort of public/celebrity "feud" going on. Until now. And it's a good one. Enter Barbara Walters vs. Star Jones!

You want to talk "cat fight"? These ladies are right in the middle of a heated one. All they need to do now is strip down to their underwear and attack each other with pillows and look like two totally different people (if you really want the full "cat fight" effect). What I am enjoying the most about this one is the way that both individuals are able to articulate the words "I think you're a bitch" in such a creative, articulate and, surprisingly enough, seemingly innocent way.

Barbara Walters, has written a book called "Audition: A Memoir", which is now out and debuted at Number One. Perhaps the reason that it debuted at Number One is that in the book, Walters reveals that, 31 years ago, she had an affair with former Massachusetts Senator Edward Brooke (they were both married at the time). Oh, and not only was Brooke a Senator, he was the first black Senator. (And while it would have been a huge scandal then, it's still a pretty juicy piece of gossip today.)

I'm not really in the camp that would think a revelation such as that would be a good thing for the "legacy" of Barbara Walters. It has nothing to do with Sen. Brooke being black; it has to do with anyone having an affair. It's not exactly a reputable hobby. People will not look up to you for it. (Senator Brooke is still alive, by the way. He's 88 and he has refused any public comment about the book, Barbara Walters, the affair, or anything else. Just like you would expect almost any 88 year old guy to do. Seems reasonable. I don't have a problem with that.) And I'm not saying I'm a saint or anything. (Likeable? Absolutely! (See?) A saint? Oh, far from it, my friend. Far from it.) I'm just saying that I've been on both sides of the fence and they both suck. And it doesn't matter which side you're on, no one likes you.

And I'm not the only one who feels this way. Enter Star Jones. Jones, as you may or may not choose to recall, was a co-host on "The View" for several years. Star was a large woman who suddenly started shedding pounds left and right as if she had a couple of tapeworms. She insisted there was no gastric bypass and that it was done with diet and Pilates. Turns out, it was the other way around. There WAS a gastric bypass and there was NOT Pilates. But Jones insisted it was the former and managed to get all of her "View" co-hosts to go along with that story and lie for her. Until recently. Can you guess what might have happened?

Correct. Barbara spilled the dealio on Star in her book. So, guess what Star did? You got it. Star did an interview with US Weekly and made this gem of a statement: "It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character."

Oh, my. Here, allow me to translate that for you. "It is a sad day (it is TODAY) when an icon (bitch) like Barbara Walters Baba Wawa), in the sunset of her life (is a really old woman and I can't believe she's still alive), is reduced (stooped to her own lowly level) to publicly branding herself as an adulterer (is a slut and a whore), humiliating an innocent family (and also a home wrecker) with accounts of her illicit affair (by telling about when she was sleeping with a black, married Senator) and speaking negatively against me (and talking sh*t about me in her book) all for the sake of selling a book (all to make a quick buck). It speaks to her true character. (Did I mention I think she's a shallow bitch? I do. She is. She's a bitch.)"

See, statements like the one Star Jones made to US Weekly are masterpieces created by the most brilliant of all brilliant PR people. It says what it says, but it doesn't say it in a way that "technically" can be called "malicious" or "hurtful". That's probably why, initially, Barbara Walters first response was "I wouldn't dignify this with a comment." But since one brilliant PR mind deserves another, Barbara found another way to comment when Larry King when he asked her about the Star Jones comments. (I'll translate this one as it goes.)

When asked by Larry King, Barbara responded with, "Star is going through a very hard time in her life (Star Jones is screwed!). She's lost her show (She's unemployed). She went into that marriage SO in love you know (Her marriage just failed) ....I really want to remember the happy days (The days when she had a job and had a husband and wasn't pathetic) and the good days (What I just said. )because Star was a wonderful talent (Did you notice I said "was"? She was then, she's not anymore!) . But what happened was, Star had a gastric bypass. She's talked about it recently, but she didn't then (She lied her ass off and made me and the other co-hosts lie as well. )....(rambles on about the gastric bypass for a bit.)...It took her a long time to get a job (She was so screwed up that it took her forever to get another job. Loser.). Star is a very special person (Special. The most condescending of compliments.) . And this is not the time...Star is going through a very difficult time right now (Her life is hell and mine is great.)....and I was very sad when that (Star's divorce) came out (I saw that one coming a mile away!) because she went into that SO lovingly (But she was an idiot for marrying him. He didn't love her.)...I don't want to re-hash Star (If I talk about it now, no one will buy my book.). Yeah, I wrote about it in the book (You need something to sell books), but she's having a tough time (She's a train wreck right now) right now. Why should I add to that? (I'll just pile this on top of everything else and hope that bitch really suffers.)"

Wow. For someone who initially went with "No comment", she sure found a mouthful there on Larry King, didn't she? Oh, but that wasn't all. No, she steered Larry off of the Star Jones topic with these words (again, translated by me), "Poor woman. (You got what you deserved, bitch!) She's gone through so much (You got what you deserved, bitch!). I think Star is a great talent (Star Jones is a hack.) and I wish her well (Burn in hell.) and I think that she's suffering now (You got what you deserved, bitch!) and that's why she's lashing out (being a bitch) and I'm not going to be a part of that (I always get the last word in.)."

Let's review, shall we? (Please remember, I'm paraphrasing here.) Star Jones called Barbara Walters an old slut and an old whore. She said she was a home wrecker. And she accused her of shameless self promotion to sell her book. Star Jones considers her to be a liar and an evil backstabber. In turn Barbara Walters called Star Jones a crazy and miserable woman who has a history of being a liar. She said that Star really wanted her marriage to work out, but that it was doomed for failure from the star. She said Star can't get a job and has lost any and all gigs that she once had. Barbara Walters considers her pathetic.

A civil-ish cat fight! I can't even remember the last time there was something so good going on between two bitter celebrities! And here's to hoping this goes at least another round or two before it's over.

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