Thursday, May 1, 2008

Fat's Incredible

It's become very clear to me that we need to have that guy in the Philippines who choreographs all of the inmates to upbeat tunes from the 70s and 80s into funky dance numbers and put him to work in US prisons. Something. Because some prisoners have way too much time on their hands.

Case in point would be Broderick Laswell, shown below at his starting weight of 413 pounds in his original mug shot when he was booked into the jail on charges of capital murder back in September, 2007. Progressive photos (courtesy of the good folks over there at The Smoking Gun) of Laswell's weight loss will continue throughout the post. :

Broderick Laswell 413 pounds September 2007

According to the fine folks over there at The Morning News - the Local News For Northwest Arkansas, Laswell, an inmate at the Benton County Jail for the past eight months, is claiming that he is (get this) "wasting away". That's correct. The guy has lost 105 pounds in 8 months and he's not happy about it. That's why he has filed a prisoner civil rights lawsuit in Federal court and claimed that the jail does not provide the inmates with enough food. (Did I mention that he started out at 413 pounds! That's a BFP right there. A Big Fat Prisoner).

I don't think it's all that accurate to claim that you're "wasting away" when you still weigh 308 pounds. That's like two people rolled into one in a lot of cases. But look at the guy. I'm not sure that the jail or most other places COULD provide HIM with "enough food" if his goal is to sustain 413 pounds! I guess we could try the zoo (maybe).

According to the BFP, "On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out. About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again." (OK, what kind of exercising? Going from the bunk to the sink in that cell of yours there? How much room could he possibly have in there to exercise? Especially if he's in there with himself! I'm thinking that his vision went blurry and he felt like passing out, not because of the "small portions of food" but because his body wasn't used to exercising EVER.)

Broderick Laswell 342 pounds January 2008

His ridiculous claim continues with, "If we are in a small pod all day do next to nothing for physical exercise we should not lose weight. The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally are being starved to death." I can see why you might feel like that, but starvation isn't really the case here. See, when you are used to eating enough food to continually increase the human body to the point of 413 pounds, anything less than the bushels of food you were previously consuming is going to seem like bread and water. And when you weigh 413 pounds, you ARE going to lose weight when you're eating a regular amount of calories because your body shouldn't weigh 413 pounds in the first place! You're not supposed to BE 413 pounds. Ever! Did any of those items factor into your decision to file your ridiculous FML? (Feed Me Lawsuit.) Of course they didn't.

"There are noticeable differences on the size of biscuits and cakes, as well as the sides." What does "noticeable differences" mean to this guy? The difference between what he eats and what regular people who don't weigh 413 pounds eat? If that's the case, I'd have to agree that there would be a "noticeable difference" between the two. Laswell also wants hot food to be served to the inmates. Apparently the jail only serves cold food. According to Laswell's claim, "This jail was built with a state of the art kitchen which was priced at a little over 1 million dollars. The tax payers paid for this and it is not being used." Nice of him to be thinking of the taxpayers who are STILL paying for his food, hot or cold, kitchen or not! (I, personally, as someone who is NOT a prisoner, see NO problem with that policy AT ALL. Nice job, Benton County Jail. Nice job.)

Here's one of my favorite excerpts from his claim: "On average, I have lost about one half pound a day. This is not healthy at all." Dude, what's "not healthy at all" is weighing 413 pounds!! Believe me, losing "one half pound a day" is probably the healthiest thing you've done in a long, long time.

Broderick Laswell 330 pounds February 2008

My other favorite part is this: "If an inmate is staying here over a long period of time his or her health decreases and they turn into skin and bones." He phrases this like it's the inmate's choice to stay there. Like he had a whole slew of hotels to choose from and he chose the jail as the place to spend "a long period of time". But "they turn into skin and bones"? THAT is classic. Yes, there are skeletal inmates sitting in corners with cobwebs covering them (just like in the old Scooby Doo cartoons). I still think he doesn't need to worry. It would appear that he has a ways to go before he gets to the "skin and bones" stage.

I know that Mr. Laswell is being detained on a capital murder charge. Should I assume he ate his victim, as he doesn't seem to be capable of doing much else? Well, he knows how to complain about how he's a little uncomfortable in jail, but that's not really something that could kill someone else.

Broderick Laswell 309 pounds March 2008

I think there's really only one appropriate response for the judge to say to this guy after he reviews his FML. "So, Mr. Laswell, you want a little cheese with that whine?

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