Sunday, May 4, 2008

Make The Best Of Those Three Hours


Look, it's bound to happen. One night, you're going to be feeling particularly amorous and your partner will not and you're going to get turned down. The reasons for such a turn down don't really matter because you don't care WHY you're not getting any sex and there isn't going to be a reason that will make it OK that you're not getting any sex. That's just how it is. (Yes, it sucks.) But even though the reasons why you're "going it alone" one night will not matter, how you handle it (pun not intended) will matter. These are words of wisdom that had clearly not been heard over there in Kitsap County, WA.

On Tuesday, a 28-year old woman was arrested for stealing her husband's wallet and for assaulting the deputy who was booking her into jail. (Assaulting another individual is never a good idea, but assaulting a police officer is a really bad idea.) Here's what set the little princess off: According to the woman, her husband had told her "they had three hours to quit smoking, drinking, swearing and engaging in some sex acts because they were going to be good Christians now." (I'm curious about the "three hour" time frame he imposed there. It is like in Cinderella where when the clock strikes midnight something turns into a pumpkin? Or like a reverse Midas touch when everything you touch turns into something not gold? I don't get it. But even though I don't get it, I'll tell you what...I sure as hell would have made the best of those three hours, that's for freaking sure. I would have had three hours of smoking, drunken, obscenity laced, sex engaging, that much I would get!)

Well, wouldn't you know it? After the three hours had lapsed, the woman woke him up for the newly forbidden sex acts and was refused. Hilarity then ensued. She then became disappointed and quite angry. That's when the yelling, the crying and door slamming started and the neighbors called the cops. (Just a tip: Yelling, crying and door slamming? Highly ineffective means of getting someone "in the mood". Just so you know. Continue.) According to The Kitsap Sun, "The woman denied any assault had taken place, and repeatedly, without sparing a vulgar euphemism, told the deputies about how unsatisfied she was with her sex life — some of the time carrying around a half-gallon of whiskey while doing so." Now THAT is some fine, fine journalism right there! "Without sparing a vulgar euphemism." That is just excellent. And the toting of the half gallon whiskey jug? Classic. But then it starts to get weird.

As you could probably guess, the woman got into an argument with one of the deputies. And, when you're having an argument with a law enforcement officer, you will do what comes natural in that situation. That's why the woman picked up the family's 20-pound dog and threw it at the deputy. Fortunately, the deputy must have had some sort of airborne-canine-projectile-as-a-weapon training, as he caught the the flying animal the woman hurled at him. (Side note: It's a DOG! You don't THROW your DOG EVER! Let alone at a deputy! And 20 pounds? Good Lord, that woman is freakishly strong.) Now, I'm not exactly an overly religious person, but I don't think that dog hucking is the act of someone who is supposed to be a "good Christian now". No, I don't think that's in the guidelines.

Somehow, the deputies were able to convince the couple that they should separate for the night. I don't know why there needed to be any "convincing". You'd think that would be the logical way for this thing to conclude. Regardless, she ended up leaving. But she felt the need to come back and take her husband's wallet, his military ID and his keys. Of course she did. That was a half gallon of whiskey she was hanging onto earlier.

So the woman was arrested for theft...eventually. She resisted arrest by producing what one of the deputies described as "blood curdling screams". Whilst en route to the jail, she allegedly questioned the manhood of the officer and, in a gesture of goodwill, asked God to forgive the deputy because "he knows not what he does". Then she "donkey kicked" the officer in the shin (of course she did) while he was walking her from the patrol car into the jail.

He might not "know what he does", but at least he knew enough to lock her ass up. And to charge her with second degree theft and third degree assault. That's good enough for me.

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