Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Willy or Wont He?

Again with Sweden. But this time with a castrated lion and some very upset members of a Nordic Battlegroup. None of which we've had before. Thank God.

I will say that "The Local, Sweden's News In English", rivals the New York Post ("America's Gossip With a Little Bit of News Thrown In, in English and Probably Sometimes Spanish") with some of their headlines, although not quite so subtle. No, The Local is the polar opposite of "subtle". Here's what I mean:

"Heraldists want penis reinstated on military badge."

Nothing subtle about that. Unfortunately, we do need some more details in order to grasp what those wacky Swedes are up to now.

For the details, we're going to have to back to a previous article in The Local entitled, "Army Castrates Heraldic Lion." (They do not disappoint, do they?) This is all in reference to an image of a lion that appears on the Swedish Military uniform. (It kind of looks like the lion on the Peugeot logo.) Apparently, the Army agreed to "emasculate the lion after a group of women from the rapid reaction force lodged a complaint." The guy who originally drew the lion and...that, was not pleased.

Does the US have a "rapid reaction force"? I don't think that we do because we don't know what it is. Or maybe it's because if you've got a bunch of pissed off women, you're going to have a "rapid reaction force" whether you like it or not. There's no need to formally name it.

"A heraldic lion is a powerful and stately figure with its genitalia intact and I cannot approve an edited image," said the guy who drew the lion. Intact? (He makes it sound like it's broken, but it's more like broken off.) Regardless, I'm going to have to disagree with that statement. You can have a DRAWING of a lion without a DRAWN ON unit and still have it be a "powerful and stately" DRAWING.

He continued with, "The army lacks knowledge about heraldry. Once upon a time coats of arms containing lions without genitalia were given to those who betrayed the Crown," said the guy who drew the lion.

It's really not the "heraldry" that there is a lack of knowledge about. I think the lack of knowledge is in not knowing just how upset some guy who DREW a penis on a lion would be if they took it off. That's where I'd say that they fell a little short. And I find it odd that if you betrayed "the Crown" you received a castrated lion coat of arms for your troubles. I can't imagine that was an effective deterrent against betraying "the Crown". ("Bugsy? Mo? Are yas with me? Should we betray the Crown?" "Aaahhhh, If we do, Louie, we'll get that penisless lion drawing!" "Great Scot! You're right! We will not betray the Crown! We want our big cat drawing fully intact, penis and all!")

According to The Local in English, "The castrated lion has already won the day and is now worn on the arms of all soldiers in the battle group's Swedish battalions." And they're still able to do their jobs?! Incredible! So far, aside from the guy who drew the lion, this seems to have affected no one except for possibly the lion and he's not real!

And if you're of the curious nature, as I'm sure you are, you're going to want to technical explanation as to how said drawing-of-a-lion-castration occured. This explanation from the Army's "tradition commission": "We were given the task of making sure the willy disappeared. We were forced to cut the lion's willy off with the aid of a computer." Apparently, one of the traditions over there in the "tradition commission" (aside from the removing drawn on feline penises from the military's insignia) is to use very technical military terms such as "willy". Apparently another tradition is to even address ridiculous issues such as this one in the first place.

But let's look at the insignia for a moment, shall we? I, for one, am confused. Where does it start and where does it end? Or where is the end? (It's end? I don't know.) It shouldn't have TWO ends, should it? Do Sweden's Penises In English have two separate and seemingly independent ends? I haven't heard anything about that.

And I'm sorry, but penis or not, a lion sticking out his long, red tongue and holding a leafy branch with his fingernails and toenails painted red is hardly the epitome of masculinity. No, it's like "Follow me to Gay Pride! I'm the Grand Marshal of the Parade!"

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