Wednesday, February 20, 2008

It's Still Pretty Good

Who knew I could get so much mileage out of four simple words? "Gary Coleman got married." Even I didn't know. But that's only because I had no clue that those four words would result in seven more words that would give me equal, if not greater, amusement that the first four. And I must share.

I also must quote Fashion of Ireland. No, I don't know why a fashion web site in Ireland is covering the Gary Coleman wedding hijinks in the US. (Actually, just because the name is Fashion of Ireland, I suppose I shouldn't assume it's about fashion. It could be some sort of National Enquirer-esque Irish tabloid publication. And that would make sense as to why, even in Ireland, this would become public fodder. Because in that scenario it could run under a headline about Bigfoot sightings on Mars. Something along the lines of, "1980s TV Midget Weds Giant Albino Amazon in a Clandestine, Fake Mountaintop Ritual." I could see that. I've seen worse.) Oh, right. The seven words. Sorry. Here:

"Gary Coleman Has Never Boned His Wife."

I know I asked this before, but I'm asking again. Does it get any easier than this? Same answer as before: No, it does not.

Apparently, unbeknownst to me (and probably many, many others who were not saving themselves for Gary Coleman), Coleman has been a "self professed virgin" all of his life. I don't know if he thought that would help him in some strange way, but clearly, it did not. And "self-professed" or not, when it comes to virginity, it is what it is. And even if it wasn't self-professed, I'm thinking a whole lot of us could have guessed that it was anyway. Well, if we cared to think about it twice. Which we didn't. (I'm not real thrilled I'm thinking about it right now.)

Allow me to provide some video of the happy, celibate couple. (Oxymoron? Contradictory? Wrong? Yes. Yes. And OMG yes.) It's true! Gary Coleman and new gigantic secret bride on tape! And as you will note, the enthusiasm runeth over. (The sound quality on the 2nd one does not runeth over, unfortunately, and I apologize for that. But like other things that I'll go over later, it's still pretty good.)



Let's review.

According to Coleman, "It'll happen when it'll happen. And it will happen for all the right reasons." Those seem like fine thoughts and fine morals to adhere to (if that's your thing), BEFORE you're married. But after?! That is when you are supposed to be done with that line! That is when you expect to be done with that line! That's part of the reason for the marriage! All the sex! "It'll happen when it'll happen."??? No it won't, apparently! No it won't! And "for all the right reasons"? The sex IS the reason!! Most people don't need many "reasons" to have sex! Most just need a willing partner and even that is negotiable!

I also have a problem with his using the term "romantic relationship" to describe his marriage. Hurling printers toward his bride that he is not having sex with hardly counts as "romance" in my book. It barely constitutes a relationship! And in a lot of cases it warrants a restraining order.

I loved his "marital intercourse defiance" (What were you going to call it?) with his proclamation of, "And no one is going to make it happen any sooner." I halfway expected him to follow that up with, "So, there!" or "La-de-DAH!" Well, considering that you've been married SIX freakin' sexless months so far, Gary, I'd have to agree with you. No one, not even your lawfully wedded WIFE can make you have sex!! You win! If that's "winning" to you.

"Mistakes can be made if you're in too much of a damn hurry." It's not the SAT! It's the S-E-X! Dude, I'm going to let you in on a secret......Mistakes with sex?......Not so bad! Really. Trust me. You know why? Because you're having sex! See, sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really good. And when it's bad, it's still pretty good!

There's gotta be reason! There has to be. One we just don't know about yet. One that hasn't been made public yet. One that would explain his lack of enthusiasm for sex with someone else. One that....hey. Wait a minute. Did anyone get a good look at the guy that was in the back of that police car for 40 minutes?

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