Friday, February 29, 2008

If It's Below The Waist, It's News In The UK

Here coms The Sun! As in "The Sun" some media publication in the UK that claims it publishes the news in print, online and even on your cell phone (Your mo-bile, if you're in the UK.). I have come to realize that in the UK, if something happens that involves anything below the waist, it's news and must be printed immediately for all to wonder about.

That's the only explanation I have for The Sun informing me and it's other readers that Steven Marshall, 18, tried to have SEX with the PAVEMENT on a busy street, but claimed it was a drunken prank (like that's going to make it more understandable?). I believe I speak for myself and all of the other readers (including the three reading this) when I say, "WTF?" That will be followed by "How?" , "Why?" , "Are you sure?" and finally "WTF?"

The Sun reports (and I use that term loosely), "Motorists looked on in shock as (he) hauled down his trousers and started to simulate sex on the floor." Motorists aren't the only ones who would be surprised by this. I'm not motoring at the moment and I'm amazed.

And, as seems to be the case with stories like these, the reporting agency feels the need to throw in information that appears to be just that. Information. It doesn't seem to have any real bearing to the story being told. That's why we're told, "Marshall — drinking while taking pills for arthritis — also carried out a vile sex act in front of a horrified female taxi driver in Galashiels, Selkirkshire."

Do I care about his arthritic condition? Not so much. And considering he was trying to have sex with the pavement, those pills he's on seem to be working wonders. Dare I say, he's cured! But I am wondering what constitutes a "vile sex act" considering this guy was just boinking the concrete a couple of sentences ago.

But here is the most unnecessary statement you will hear all day: The Sheriff commented: “This was bizarre." Yeah, I kind of came to that conclusion a couple of nanoseconds after I finished reading "sex with the pavement". I'm kinda bright that way, but thanks for tryin', Sheriff.

He continued with, " Anyone who lies on the road in the daylight, is significantly intoxicated and is partially undressed has a problem.” Does it have to be all three together? Is he saying that those three ingredients right there are the makings of a Bizarro Pie? But if there's only one of those things, eh, maybe not so much?

And OF COURSE, there is NO mention of what the "vile sex act" in front of the "horrified" female cabbie in Unpronouncable, United Kingdom was. Information we don't need is thrown in. Information we're dyin' for is left out. I speculate that the "sex act" was so "vile" that it made "sex with the pavement" not quite so shocking. In which case, maybe I don't want to know. Thanks, Sun guys.

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