Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Gary Coleman - Nothing Short of Strange

Gary Coleman Does it get any easier than these four words: Gary Coleman got married? Answer: It does not.

Gary Coleman, as we are not allowed to forget, played the diminuitive Arnold on TVs "Diff'rent Strokes" back when it was really funny to have two, black, orphaned brothers adopted by a rich, seemingly older than he was supposed to be, white widower with his own teenage daughter and a zany, elderly housekeeper all living in a penthouse in New York City. Yep, that's the stuff great 80s TV was made out of.

Coleman is now 40. He is also now 4'8", which doesn't seem all THAT short to me. Short, yes. Freakishly short? No. He's got enough stuff going for him in that 'freakish' category. So much, in fact, that his height really becomes a non-issue. You'll see what I mean. Keep reading.

He married a woman named Shannon Price. She is 22 and they were married on August 22, which is also her birthday. (When they get divorced, that will not seem like such a good choice.) This marriage (a first for both, thank God), came after what Coleman claims (and I really have NO reason to doubt him) is his "first time ever romantic relationship", according to People.

They were married on a mountain top (presumably so he'd be as tall as her). Coleman says,"Nobody was around but the minister, preacher, the videographers, the photographer, the helicopter pilot and us. That was all that was there. There was nobody else." That seems like a lot to me. And the helicopter pilot?! That's all. Just us. And the guy flying the helicopter.
Gary Coleman Shannon Price

But look at these photos! OK, this might come as a shock to some people (presumably Gary and Shannon), but those aren't real mountains behind them! No, that appears to be a backdrop of Zion (Southern Utah. Beautiful area. You should really check it out someday.), probably somewhere around The Arches (again, Southern Utah; not the "Golden" ones). If you're acutally on a mountaintop, there's no need for a backdrop in front of which to take your pictures! You're at the backdrop already!


But if they got married on August 22, how come we're just hearing about it now? According to the bride, "I just want my own identity as well because I don't want to be known as Gary Coleman's wife." Trust me, honey. You're going to be known for a couple more things than just that. Mental stability issues come to mind.


Coleman said that he didn't have issues with her age. (I kinda guessed that when I read that he married her.) He said, "I have issues with intelligence ... She's more intelligent than I am and that's what matters to me." There's a great deal of irony in this sentence, but it's so hard to know where to start.


And he also agrees that he doesn't want her to be known as "Gary Coleman's wife" either. (See? Everyone has a problem with it, including him!) "I wouldn’t want you to be known as Gary Coleman’s wife. I hope you do get successful. She’s a great eBay-er. She’s a fabulous eBay-er. I hope she gets famous for that.” Um, where to start? How about with, "I hope you do get successful." Actually, I would never start by pointing out someone's lack of success...yet. And I definitely wouldn't follow it up with the eBay thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that! I'm just sayin'.

What does she sell on eBay, you ask? Why, "Coleman’s memorabilia" of course! Wait? You didn't know that Gary Coleman HAD memorabilia?! Me neither. The "I hope you do get successful" comment is making more sense. After all, he IS Gary Coleman and she is selling HIS "memorabilia". He knows it's hopeless.

Price says that she didn't know who he was when she met him on the set of some movie called "Churchball". (I missed that one.) “He was really sweet and I didn’t know who he was. I didn’t grow up with Diff’rent Strokes. I actually didn’t like watching TV when I was younger.” Ah! The irony of that "intelligence" statement is suddenly clear to me! She's 22. They got married on Aug. 22, her birthday. That would mean she was born in August, 1985, a mere 7 months before 'Diff'rent Strokes' was cancelled. But remember...she's the smart one.

Intelligence is really not the amusing part here. Oh, seems like it is. But there's more! Price has described the current relationship as “off and on.” (Yes, they've been married just short of 6 months now. That is correct.) “We may go a week and not speak to each other, but that’s because you’re thinking and mulling things over,” says Coleman. It takes you a week of marital silence to "think and mull things over"? Was the argument about astrophysics? Nuclear peptides? I'm guessing it wasn't. But I'm having trouble guessing what it was.

She tries to clear this up by saying, "Yeah, I’ve locked myself in a room and stayed there because I’m like, ‘You know what? I don’t even want to fight over this, its ridiculous.” (Oh, something is ridiculous, alright. You stayed there for how long?) She also says that there has been more than one occasion when it's a bit more than just yelling (or mulling or thinking, I'd assume). “He lets his anger conquer him sometimes, I don’t like the violence, I really don’t…He throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction…He’s got to damage something before his anger stops.” Hmmm....I'd like an example of this, wouldn't you?


Here's one! Inside Edition had jumped all over this story (God bless 'em!) and asked him why it was that, on the morning of his interview, he threw a printer. Good question. Answer? Not so good. “I threw the printer because my agent wanted to send me a fax, and it wouldn’t fax, and she (Price) was upset at me over something that I had done. And I just took that printer and said, ‘You know what, you just need to die.’”


Um, Gary? Arnold? Whoever you are? Um, it can't die. It's a printer. Otherwise known as an "inanimate object." And here's another tip: If your wife is upset at you over something you've done, throwing a printer is not going to make that any better. And were you able to get the fax after you threw the printer? I'm guessing not.

Had I known about all of this before, I would have sent her one of my helmets for the soft-headed that she so desperately needs. It would have served a dual purpose. It would have protected her from herself AND from flying computer peripherals that he hurls her way.

Hello, Vegas? Yes, I'd like the bet the unders on the Gary Coleman marriage, please.

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