Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Local - Sweden's News In English

It's entirely possible I might have to move to Europe. Or get a job there. (Or maybe I just pretend I'm Britney Spears and start speaking with an accent.) They have way more fun with their written media than the US does. Way more. And the puns! Ah, yes, the puns! Abundant in Europe, they are. Just running rampantly amok. So, in the spirit thereof, hang on to yourself for this one:

This from The Local - Sweden's News In English. (What a great name. And now for an equally great story title):


Police Get a Grip on Serial Masturbator


I'll admit, I initially had a vision of some wrongdoings that involved Captain Crunch and that Cocoa Puffs bird, but that really wasn't the case at all. The story continues just as it appears below.

Police near the southern Swedish town of Sävsjö answered to a rather unusual call on Wednesday night.

Swedish man sought for posing as sex researcher
Viking women had sexy style
Teacher convicted for flashing breasts


See, now I didn't know if it was multiple choice or what. Decisions, decisions! I felt like I had stumbled into one of those 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books involving serial masturbators, sex researchers, flashing breasts and Vikings. While normally something of that nature is cause for joy, this time it confused me. But it turns out, web pages in English for the Swedish put links that really could be related to what you're reading smack dab in the middle of their stories for no apparent reason whatsoever. (I will, however, admit I was curious about the "Viking women had sexy style" teaser there. Who knew?) But in actuality, the story continues below the teasers.

A woman had notified police after she discovered a man masturbating in a stairwell.Police arrived on the scene to apprehend the naked man, placing him in their patrol car.But the man continued with his manual labour from the cruiser’s back seat.

OK, I think I can speak for everyone when I say, "Do they not have handcuffs in Sweden?" Are they unfamiliar with the "hands on your head" or "hands behind your back" directives? They couldn't have been if he was still doing....that! (But "manual labour". That's funny! Hey, if he was doing it outside of Home Depot, would he be a "day labourer"?)


During the roughly 40 minute drive back to the station in the neighboring town of Nässjö, the man continued to feel his way around, prompting police to check their records for other cases of incessant self-gratification.


There are records for that in Sweden?! "Incessant self-gratification"?? Really? Are you sure? (See? Rhetorical. :) ) That aside, 40 minutes?! The cops let that continue for 40 minutes??! IN their car?! NO way! No WAY. English, Swedish, I don't care, knock it off! (Not literally, please. There's enough wrong here without that.) Me? After about 40 seconds I'm pointing my gun at him and waving a Taser. No WAY do I go 40 minutes with Spanky in the back seat there finishing off what I'm sure was a lovely evening out on the town.


But, wait a minute....Willie McSpanksalot was going at it for 40 minutes there in the cop car. But he was already going at it in the stairwell when Janet or Chrissy found him. And then the cops had to be called. And they had to get there. Were they 40 minutes away before as well? Because if they were, we are talking about well over an hour, close to an hour and a half of....him.....Dude! Stop!! It's clearly broken! Stop it!!


Police soon discovered that the man was known to authorities in the region for holding his own in different churches and other public places.


I love the European press.

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