I Don't Want ONE Use, Let Alone Dual

How many different products would you say are for sale right this very minute? Anywhere, it doesn't matter. Bazillions, right? Maybe, dare I say, gazillions? Whatever the made up number, it's a hell of a lot. And it's probably safe to say that we could really do without a fair portion of those gazillions. I know it's very safe to say that we could really do without TWO of those gazillions. These two:

Behold! The SpongeBob Squarepants Dual Use, Underarm and Rectal Thermometer:

You cannot tell me that this would EVER be necessary! It plays the freaking SpongeBob theme song, presumably upon insertion! Whose idea was this?! Who has bought this?! And "dual use"?! WTF?! Oh, but thank God the readout is in Celsius AND Fahrenheit. So if you're ever in Europe with a cartoon theme song emitting from your ass, you'll know exactly what temperature it is when that happens. (I'll tell you what, the temperature over here would have to be a cold day in freaking hell!)

Unfortunately, there's more. Behold (again)! The Mickey Mouse Vibrator:

Some dude in Japan (hence, the thatch mat display base there?) had this for sale on eBay. I really don't know where to start. Or finish. Actually, I'm kind of afraid that saying anything might evoke some sort of discussion or further conversation about this. And that wouldn't be good. For anyone.

They're right, though. You'll find it on eBay. But I wish that you couldn't.

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