Monday, February 18, 2008

Stand Back! He's Got Bread!

baguette sword Sussex is a county in England. It is also where a student was arrested for attacking a classmate with a baguette. Yes. A baguette. As in a long, loaf of French bread. That is correct. According to the fine folks over there at theargus.co.uk (Another UK story! You know it'll be good.), "The 15-year-old attacker was quizzed by police after arming himself with the French stick at a secondary school."

OK, quizzed how? And about what? I mean, you're the cop and you're standing there looking at a 15-year old who thinks he's a bad-ass because he's wielding a loaf of bread and you're going to "quiz him"? Me, I'm going to start laughing and possibly send my partner off to get some cheese.

And although this is odd, what I found more strange were some of the 80 other "unusual weapons" that had been seized by cops in Sussex schools over the past two years. Sure, there were the typical items that come to mind when one hears the word "weapon". They did seize some guns, some knives and other sharp and blunt objects; as they should. Yet, they also seized an egg, a tomato, and pillow and a xylophone. Yes, they "seized" the makings of a Cobb salad, that is correct. Fortunately for us, they went on to describe some of the incidents that occured with said non-traditional weaponry.

According to theargus.co.uk, "a 15-year-old was cautioned for common assault using a baguette" (Hmmm...assault with a baked good is considered "common" in the UK. Good to know.) and "One incident involved a 13-year-old armed with a piano stool and a xylophone." (Clearly this event did not take place at The School For The Gifted. How exactly does one "arm" themselves with a piano stool and xylophone? Or why?)

But is this a problem or isn't it? According to one headteacher (Those UK folks always have funky names for everything, don't they?), "I can't remember the last time we had any issue with weapons. There certainly haven't been any with baguettes." Well, I should hope not. Hil-arious.

Another amusing angle to this is that, "It has been recommended that airport style metal detectors could be used at some of the worst problem areas..." Ummm....baguettes aren't metal. No, see, they're...they're actually bread. Soooo....those metal detectors? Yeah...um, highly ineffective at detecting bread.

But just so you know what they're up against, here's a full list of all of the "weapons" seized from Sussex schools in 2007 (and while it IS funny, if the US could have just such a "weaponry in schools" dilemma we'd be a lot better off.): An ice ball, knuckle-dusters (See? Funky names.), mobile phone (This one I get. I've thrown my phone and prayed it would hit someone.), metal bar, pencil, pool ball, drumstick (chicken or percussion, I wonder?), remote control, book, apple (What is it with food weapons in the UK?!) , compass (I'm kind of impressed the school children in Sussex even had a compass.), table (Huh?), pen, three knives or daggers, a steel toe-capped boot, two stones (Mick and Keith?), a bottle, a cigarette lighter, badminton racket (For some reason, I picture this being wildly swung around by Richard Simmons.), a rock and a traffic cone (Again...Huh? How?).

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