Sunday, March 29, 2009

Stupidest Criminal In All The Land

You have to know that if you're being called "the stupidest criminal in the state of Pennsylvania" by a retired police chief (obviously someone who has seen his share of criminals, both the crafty and the inept) it's a pretty good bet that you are, in fact, the world's dumbest criminal.

Meet Jerome Marquis Blanchett (brother to Cate, that is correct. The resemblance is uncanny.).

The 19-year old Mr. Marquis was dubbed "the stupidest criminal in the state Pennsylvania" by a one retired police chief John Comparetto. According to the associates over there at the AP, Chief Camparetto was at a Holiday Inn and was walking "...out of a stall in the men's room when a man pointed a gun in his face and demanded money." (You'd think that he'd want to rob him when he was actually in the stall. It's not like he'd be able to chase you right away or anything. A head start is always beneficial. Just something to think about is all.) But aside from the semantics of this crime, the other issue at hand was that Chief Comparetto wasn't the only cop in the building. No, there were some "...300 other narcotics officers from Pennsylvania and Ohio" nearby at the time because of the Narcotics Law Enforcement Seminar.that was going on. In that Holiday Inn. At that moment. 300 of 'em. Yep.

According to, Comparetto "...handed over $138 and his phone" and our boy genius said that "...if he tried to follow him, he'd kill him." Uh-huh. Well, this shouldn't be too hard. And it wasn't. Comparetto waited for him to leave and then "drew a firearm from his ankle holster and went after Blanchett." How far did our hero get before he was caught? Not as far as you might think. He was taken into custody outside of the Holiday Inn. As he was getting into a cab!

So, he's so dumb that rather than high tailing it out of there, he gets a cab. Now, I don't know where he was planning on going, but if it's me and I have to resort to robbing someone at gunpoint in a freaking public restroom, I am certainly not spending any of my ill-begotten loot on a cab. I'm running! But then again, between me and Einstein there, only one of us is currently in jail and it's not me.

Captain Incompetent was charged with "robbery, making terroristic threats, reckless endangerment, simple assault, carrying a firearm without a license and illegally possessing a firearm." Well, that is quite a busy morning right there! If nothing else, he's a fairly competent multi-tasker as evidenced not only by this debacle, but also by the fact that at the time, "...he was awaiting trial of four previous robbery charges."

Comparetto said,"He was probably the stupidest criminal in the state of Pennsylvania. There was a big sign by the front door that said 'Welcome Pennsylvania Narcotics Officers Association.' He had to walk right past that sign. There were 300 cops in here. There were police cars all over the parking lot. He's not very bright."

At his arraignment in court, District Judge Michael J. Smith told him "You're a danger to have on the street" and then set his bail at $1 million. As he was being led out of the courtroom, a reporter asked him for a comment, to which he replied, "I'm smooth."

"I'm smooth"? What the hell does that mean? "I'm smooth." Does he have extremely supple skin that he is very proud of? Is he a seal? A dolphin? What other place in this story could "smooth" have if not in relation to one of those aquatic creatures?! (Which are known to some as 'charismatic megafauna.' Don't ask.) He's not smooth at all! He's Stooges material at best!

The screen shot below is from a video on KDFW Fox 4 News. If someone could explain to me why or how or what a photo of Mr. Marquis is doing propped up next to what appears to be a sink in (assumedly) a public restroom, I'd appreciate it. It's one of the stranger things I've seen in a news cast in a while and I just don't get it.

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1 comment:

grannyann said...

Smooth must be one of those hip-hop terms for Stupid