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Look, I know what it's like (OK, I vaguely remember) to be in the midst of the throes of passion. Pretty much anything at that very moment sounds like a good idea. Upside down? Sure! From a chandelier? Bring it on! Hot fudge, strawberries, some whipped cream? All the better? Fully operational and currently functioning saber saw? Hold on there, pardner! Back away from the bed slowly there, champ.
It's hard to know where to start with this one. It's even harder to type at all without constantly cringing. Sometimes, if a particular post has to do with some sort of injury to the penile nether region of the male species, I will mention that I don't even have one and it's making me cringe. This time I do possess (and am fond of) the particular area involved and the cringing has just been constant. I'm cringing right now. But probably not as much as a woman in Lexington Park, Maryland.
Before I continue, I want to give a brief, power tool primer. For those of you not in the know of the realm of power tools, a saber saw can also be called a Sawz-All or sawzall. Why is it called that? Because it "saws all". Saws. As in cuts. Cuts with sharp little teeth. Sometimes when people say "saber saw" they're referring to a jigsaw. It's a different animal than the Sawz-All, but it does possess the same components of sharp little teeth which are powered by an electric motor. Did I mention the sharp little teeth? They're used to cut through wood, you know. Behold! Some power saws that could be called "saber saws"!
We're going to focus on the Sawzall for the purpose of this story, as that's how I'm imaging this unfortunate occurrence took place. It's seeming to be anatomically awkward to use the jigsaw in the scenario I'm about to lay out. Here's what the folks over at WUSA9 had to say to begin their story: "A Southern Maryland woman was seriously injured in a mishap involving a sex toy over the weekend." Oh, God, I think I might pass out. What?!?!
"The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, (please no) and then used the power tool on his partner (No, no!! No, no!!), but the blade cut through the plastic (Oh, God!) and injured the woman." Yep. Entirely possible I might pass out at this juncture.
Are you kidding me?!?! First of all, I don't rightly know what to say. Again, I'm all for the throes of passion, but not with a Sawz-All and definitely not with it....there!! I don't care how good it's supposed to be, it can't be good enough to risk....that!! And risk it she did. Unfortunately "The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding." I can imagine that she was!! She was also likely to have been incredibly horrified and having incredible remorse at that moment.
What were you people thinking? I don't care how great it's supposed to be! You're not comin' near me with a power saw! Did the instructions on whatever miracle toy you folks had say to put the damn thing on a Sawz-All that still had the blade attached to it?! Those Sawz-All blades? Yeah, they come off, you know! I'm really surprised that I didn't read the five words that most commonly accompany this sort of story. Those words being: "Authorities believe alcohol was involved."
By the way, the image below is how the webpage looked when I went there to read about this story. I saw the headline "Woman Injured in Sex Toy Mishap" and then the little Geico gecko (whom I love) and for a moment there, I was really worried that the gecko was involved somehow. Thankfully, he was not. (And if he read that story, he'll know how to avoid that sort of "sex toy mishap" in the future, should the situation arise. Probably no pun intended there.)