Monday, March 16, 2009

I Am Not A Pilot

Today, it's all about strange news out of China! How exciting! Yes, indeed. OK, maybe it's not as exciting as, say, sitting around and watching the seemingly incompetent (or at the very least, extremely naive and borderline clueless) US government spend this fine country into oblivion as quick as the possibly can, but exciting none the less. Would you settle for interesting?

Good! From China Daily, over on the Zhongshanyi Road in Guangzhou's Yuexiu district (sure, easy for them to say!) it's reported that "Traffic came to a standstill after a driver fell asleep at a stoplight." I know! Can you imagine! (Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a country where that makes the news? I....can not. I.....would like to.) But wait! There's more!

"More than 100 vehicles honked their horns after the light turned green." Big deal. Here, during rush hour, you can have 200 vehicles honking their horns before the light turns green!

"Police showed up and had to knock on the driver's window for 30 minutes before the man woke up." Thirty minutes?!?! They knocked? Wow. The police in China are patient! That would not be the standard procedure here in the US. I wonder what happened?

"The driver turned out to be drunk and was taken to the hospital." Oh, for cryin' out loud. THAT wouldn't have been the standard procedure here in the US either. China, huh? Hmmm. If it wasn't for all of that Communism stuff and the censorship and the oppression, I'd consider a move. Oh, and here is the photo that was included with that story:
Yes, that's a cartoon drawing of a person asleep in a car! I guess drawing your own illustrations for your newspaper would cut down on photography costs. Interesting angle.

Next up is a 39-year old woman in Wenchang, Hainan province. She is looking for someone who can help her pay for the medical bills of her husband Wang Chuanlin, who is suffering from leukemia. The someone that she is looking for is a new husband. Wait. Come again?

Again from the China Daily (which has just become my go-to source for wacky news from the Far East), "Fu Xiuying said she wants to get a divorce and marry any person who can rescue her husband." Well, that's different. "Fu currently has two jobs and is in debt after paying 100,000 yuan ($14,640) in medical fees." OK, I get all of that, but why the new husband route? "The migrant worker said she has run out of ideas to help her husband." Well, that explains a lot. But seriously, um, Fu? Fu, was it? Fu, listen. I know you think you've "run out of ideas", but considering that you're looking for a new guy to pay for your current guy's medical bills, I'm going to suggest that you have not run out of ideas. In fact, I'm going to urge you and plead with you to continue to try to think of other ideas to help your Wang over there. (Wait. That sounds funny. Never mind. It's probably just me.) I mean, if you could come up with the new husband idea, just think of what other brilliant ideas you have in that head of yours. Now go! Go think! And please, bring on the wacky!

Now it's over to Changsha, Hunan province, where a one 31-year old Long Mingfu "...has patented a special 'lazybones toothbrush' " so that "People do not have to squeeze toothpaste when they use the special toothbrush that Long Mingfu invented." Do they still have to brush? If so, that's really going to take away any appeal that this might ever have a chance of having. Are you kidding me?
They are not kidding, says....who? China Daily, that is correct. According to them, Long, "...started to work on the toothbrush seven years ago. He has refitted more than 10,000 toothbrushes in recent years before he invented the special toothbrush that contains toothpaste." Am I the only one thinking that just squeezing out the damned toothpaste would have been a whole lot easier than going through 10,000 toothbrushes over seven years?!

"Long said he got inspiration from cigarette lighters." Riiiiiight. Because...they're the same. Huh? What? Cigarette lighters? Because they effortlessly squeeze toothpaste also? I don't think they do!

"Long believes his invention will be popular with consumers." And I believe that Long will be popular with psychiatrists.

Here is the illustrated accompaniment for that article.

And then in Guiyang, capital of Guizhou province, a "snake oil salesman" "tried to demonstrate the power of his homemade medicine by cutting his own finger and dousing it with the product." Gee, I wonder how that turned out?

"The man has no license to sell any medicine but went on the sidewalk to hawk his invention." Are they implying that if he did have a license that this behavior would be fine? Because it's only the lack of a license that makes this story weird!

"The display surprised some people, others were scared by the blood, while some were skeptical." Huh. Surprised? Surprised, why? And those who were "skeptical", what was their concern, exactly? ("Honey, he says he's cured, but he's still bleeding. What do you think? Should we get some? You know how clumsy those damn kids of ours are." "I don't know. He's a salesman. They're supposed to be honest. If he says he's cured, then he must be . Ask him if we an get a discount if we buy in bulk. We're moving into that new house with all of the stairs and the kids are going to be a mess within hours.")

And finally, from Singapore, what has got to be the worst idea I've ever heard. It seems that " of Asia's fastest-growing budget airlines is seeking staff via an online contest, and no flying experience is necessary." Wait. I'm fairly certain that flying experience IS necessary! In fact, I know it is necessary!

"AirAsia has launched an online plea for pilots, asking candidates to blog why they should get the job." Oh for the love of God, they want to hire bloggers to be freaking pilots?! (Note to self: Never, ever fly AirAsia. Pass it on.) Look, I certainly don't consider myself to be a blogger, but do you know what I consider myself to be less than a blogger? That's right, a pilot!! I am no more a pilot than I am an astronaut or a magician (no matter what I say after that bottle of wine). I don't care how well I can blog about being a pilot, I'm not one! NO bloggers are pilots! Perez Hilton? Not a pilot. Arianna Huffington? Not a pilot. Michelle Malkin? Hmmm.....can we just see if she's a pilot and see what happens? Please?

They say that "Bloggers will only be considered if they meet minimum requirements." Oh, thank God! Panic is over! There are requirements! What are they? They include "...being aged between 18 and 28, having a good command of English and Bahasa Malaysia and being mentally and physically fit, with good eye sight" said the website, Those are not "requirements" to be a freaking pilot! Those are requirements to be between 18 and 28! Screw good eye sight! How about a requirement like "Knows how to fly a plane!" Now that's a requirement! (By the way, the header on the AirAsia blog reads: "Shoestring Tips: How to be Cheap!" (Tip One: Don't buy shoestrings?)

"AirAsia's CEO Tony Fernandes told Reuters the airline expects to expand its services and remain resilient this year on the back of good demand for budget travel, despite the global recession." So, tell me....this "budget travel" much is it to fly a plane from 30,000 feet into the ground nose first when it's been piloted by your teenage blogger? Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's reasonable!

By the way, the motto or slogan or whatever it is for AirAsia is "Now Everyone Can Fly." Apparently so!

Yeah, good luck with all that.

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