If This Cockpit is a-Rockin....

Tell me something. When did it become permissible or acceptable or perhaps even advisable that one tell a lie that is so far from what the truth could possibly be that everyone knows it is a lie from the get go? You know the ones I mean. The lies that when we hear them, the first thing that we think is, "Yeah, right." Things like, "I haven't had plastic surgery." "My son is in a balloon." "I'm neither a Muslim, nor a Kenyan and can be your President." You know them. I'm going to give you a new one to add to that list. "We were having a heated discussion about airline policy." Wait. What now?

Correct. Let's go over to Minneapolis, Minnesota where Northwest flight 188 was supposed to have landed at 8:01pm last night. The plane was an hour and fifteen minutes late when it finally landed. And during that time there were many attempts to try to contact the pilots in the cockpit, but to no avail. The pilots weren't responding.

So what gives? There weren't air traffic problems. There weren't mechanical problems. There hadn't been a delay. There wasn't some strong headwind. But there's some wind blowin' now. According to the fine folks over there at MYFox - Twin Cities, the explanation from the two pilots (the regular and the co-) was that they had "...stated they were in a heated discussion over airline policy and they lost situational awareness." Um, wait. They lost what?

Lost situational awareness. It's a term that is used when you have just done something or are supposed to do something but don't remember doing it or having to do it. We've all probably done something sort of like this. Like if we're driving to work or to go home and we're thinking about something other than driving and suddenly, there we are! Home! We have no idea how in the heck we got there, but yet, there we are. We clearly drove ourselves there, but we "lost situational awareness" and were surprised when we realized we were home.

Say, Captain Words-A-Lot, are you trying to say "forgot"? The pilots forgot to land the plane? I don't think that happened. Seriously. How freaking heated could a discussion over "airline policy" actually get? Tell me this: What part of the "airline policy" were they in such a heated discussion over? I'll tell you what part of "airline policy" I wish they'd been in a heated discussion over. It's the part of "airline policy" that tells you to land the damn plane in Minneapolis and not fly 150 miles past the airport before you finally realize that you're in Wisconsin!

That's right. Wisconsin. Numerous attempts to contact the pilots failed and so the plane just kept right on flying until it was somewhere near Eau Claire (home of that tasty, creme filled donut. Oh, wait. That's eclair. Never mind. Carry on!), Wisconsin when the pilots finally responded. Wisconsin. What the hell? And you expect us to believe that they were arguing with each other? I can't possibly imagine. There are quite a few things that I can get into a passionate discussion with someone about, but I highly doubt that the discussion is going to cause me to completely ignore the twinkling lights of Minneapolis and not cause me to realize that the discussion is going to have to wait because we have a plane to land!

There is speculation that the pilots may have been asleep. Um, perhaps. Now, this is where I'd like to make the disclaimer that there are few things in life that I enjoy more than wild, rampant, irresponsible speculation and I will commence doing so now. Sure, they could have been asleep. I kind of don't have too much of a problem with that. I mean, there is that "auto-pilot" thing that seems to work pretty well and that's kind of what it's for; to pilot the plane automatically. However, the fact that no one else could get into the cockpit (to tell these dumbasses that those pretty lights down there are where they want to put the plane) because it was locked during this time, yeah that's troubling. But it's also...convenient. Hmmmm.

Now, I'm not saying that they weren't sleeping. They absolutely could have been. And nothing makes most people more tired and in need of a nap than a good heavy dose of fornication. Let's look closer at the statements of one of the pilots, first officer Richard Cole (brother of Nat King Cole, of course), who said that falling asleep "...wasn't the case. He also said an argument wasn't to blame." This according to MetroNews.ca up there in Calgary, Canada, America's Hat. Anything else you'd like to share with us, Rich? "All I'm saying is we were not asleep; we were not having a fight; there was nothing serious going on in the cockpit that would threaten the people in the back at all," he told The Associated Press in an interview at his home in Salem, Ore." And....? "He declined to discuss what exactly happened but did insist "it was not a serious event, from a safety issue." "I can't go into it, but it was innocuous." Um, right.

You dumbass! It's "innocuous" now! But that's only because you didn't a) crash or b) get shot down by military fighters that were standing by. (How a military fighter "stands by" is completely beyond me.) Whatever y'all were doing up there was only "innocuous" because nothing happened! (Note to self: Always check to see who my pilot is on future flights and run like the wind if it's that dude.)

Maybe it's a little bit of everything. Maybe co-pilot Rich and master pilot Timothy Cheney (brother of Dick Cheney, of course) were up there in the cockpit (which is really becoming quite the appropriate term for this little tryst). They were all alone. One looked over at the other. "How you doin'?" Huh? I think I'm close. Not as close as I think that those two probably were, but pretty close never the less.

Their own altitudes become elevated, they're playing with each other's instrument panels, moving joysticks into highly inappropriate positions, keeping their "tray" in the upright position and really hoping to stick the landing. Afterwards, maybe they spooned a bit. You know. A little cockpit cuddle before deciding they could break free from each other's embrace and let those 140 people on the plane go to their destination. First things first, they had to get their "ass" out of "Wisconsin". (Why'd I put the quotes around "ass"? I'm pretty sure that's what I meant.)

This will be interesting to see what comes out as the real story. All I know is that they were not in a heated discussion. A heated moment, ummmmm, perhaps! But a heated discussion? I doubt it. And back to my initial point. Don't lie when you're totally busted. We're going to see right through it. You did have plastic surgery. Your kid isn't in that balloon. OK, fine, you're not a Muslim or a Kenyan, but you do smoke! And you two were making sweet, sweet love at 37,000 feet when you...whoopsie! Overshot the runway by 150 miles. We know. We know. Just admit it. You'll feel better. Not as good as you did in that cockpit, but better.

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I Am Not A Pilot

Today, it's all about strange news out of China! How exciting! Yes, indeed. OK, maybe it's not as exciting as, say, sitting around and watching the seemingly incompetent (or at the very least, extremely naive and borderline clueless) US government spend this fine country into oblivion as quick as the possibly can, but exciting none the less. Would you settle for interesting?

Good! From China Daily, over on the Zhongshanyi Road in Guangzhou's Yuexiu district (sure, easy for them to say!) it's reported that "Traffic came to a standstill after a driver fell asleep at a stoplight." I know! Can you imagine! (Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a country where that makes the news? I....can not. I.....would like to.) But wait! There's more!

"More than 100 vehicles honked their horns after the light turned green." Big deal. Here, during rush hour, you can have 200 vehicles honking their horns before the light turns green!

"Police showed up and had to knock on the driver's window for 30 minutes before the man woke up." Thirty minutes?!?! They knocked? Wow. The police in China are patient! That would not be the standard procedure here in the US. I wonder what happened?

"The driver turned out to be drunk and was taken to the hospital." Oh, for cryin' out loud. THAT wouldn't have been the standard procedure here in the US either. China, huh? Hmmm. If it wasn't for all of that Communism stuff and the censorship and the oppression, I'd consider a move. Oh, and here is the photo that was included with that story:

Yes, that's a cartoon drawing of a person asleep in a car! I guess drawing your own illustrations for your newspaper would cut down on photography costs. Interesting angle.

Next up is a 39-year old woman in Wenchang, Hainan province. She is looking for someone who can help her pay for the medical bills of her husband Wang Chuanlin, who is suffering from leukemia. The someone that she is looking for is a new husband. Wait. Come again?

Again from the China Daily (which has just become my go-to source for wacky news from the Far East), "Fu Xiuying said she wants to get a divorce and marry any person who can rescue her husband." Well, that's different. "Fu currently has two jobs and is in debt after paying 100,000 yuan ($14,640) in medical fees." OK, I get all of that, but why the new husband route? "The migrant worker said she has run out of ideas to help her husband." Well, that explains a lot. But seriously, um, Fu? Fu, was it? Fu, listen. I know you think you've "run out of ideas", but considering that you're looking for a new guy to pay for your current guy's medical bills, I'm going to suggest that you have not run out of ideas. In fact, I'm going to urge you and plead with you to continue to try to think of other ideas to help your Wang over there. (Wait. That sounds funny. Never mind. It's probably just me.) I mean, if you could come up with the new husband idea, just think of what other brilliant ideas you have in that head of yours. Now go! Go think! And please, bring on the wacky!

Now it's over to Changsha, Hunan province, where a one 31-year old Long Mingfu "...has patented a special 'lazybones toothbrush' " so that "People do not have to squeeze toothpaste when they use the special toothbrush that Long Mingfu invented." Do they still have to brush? If so, that's really going to take away any appeal that this might ever have a chance of having. Are you kidding me?

They are not kidding, says....who? China Daily, that is correct. According to them, Long, "...started to work on the toothbrush seven years ago. He has refitted more than 10,000 toothbrushes in recent years before he invented the special toothbrush that contains toothpaste." Am I the only one thinking that just squeezing out the damned toothpaste would have been a whole lot easier than going through 10,000 toothbrushes over seven years?!

"Long said he got inspiration from cigarette lighters." Riiiiiight. Because...they're the same. Huh? What? Cigarette lighters? Because they effortlessly squeeze toothpaste also? I don't think they do!

"Long believes his invention will be popular with consumers." And I believe that Long will be popular with psychiatrists.

Here is the illustrated accompaniment for that article.

And then in Guiyang, capital of Guizhou province, a "snake oil salesman" "tried to demonstrate the power of his homemade medicine by cutting his own finger and dousing it with the product." Gee, I wonder how that turned out?

"The man has no license to sell any medicine but went on the sidewalk to hawk his invention." Are they implying that if he did have a license that this behavior would be fine? Because it's only the lack of a license that makes this story weird!

"The display surprised some people, others were scared by the blood, while some were skeptical." Huh. Surprised? Surprised, why? And those who were "skeptical", what was their concern, exactly? ("Honey, he says he's cured, but he's still bleeding. What do you think? Should we get some? You know how clumsy those damn kids of ours are." "I don't know. He's a salesman. They're supposed to be honest. If he says he's cured, then he must be . Ask him if we an get a discount if we buy in bulk. We're moving into that new house with all of the stairs and the kids are going to be a mess within hours.")

And finally, from Singapore, what has got to be the worst idea I've ever heard. It seems that "...one of Asia's fastest-growing budget airlines is seeking staff via an online contest, and no flying experience is necessary." Wait. I'm fairly certain that flying experience IS necessary! In fact, I know it is necessary!

"AirAsia has launched an online plea for pilots, asking candidates to blog why they should get the job." Oh for the love of God, they want to hire bloggers to be freaking pilots?! (Note to self: Never, ever fly AirAsia. Pass it on.) Look, I certainly don't consider myself to be a blogger, but do you know what I consider myself to be less than a blogger? That's right, a pilot!! I am no more a pilot than I am an astronaut or a magician (no matter what I say after that bottle of wine). I don't care how well I can blog about being a pilot, I'm not one! NO bloggers are pilots! Perez Hilton? Not a pilot. Arianna Huffington? Not a pilot. Michelle Malkin? Hmmm.....can we just see if she's a pilot and see what happens? Please?

They say that "Bloggers will only be considered if they meet minimum requirements." Oh, thank God! Panic is over! There are requirements! What are they? They include "...being aged between 18 and 28, having a good command of English and Bahasa Malaysia and being mentally and physically fit, with good eye sight" said the website, http://blog.airasia.com/. Those are not "requirements" to be a freaking pilot! Those are requirements to be between 18 and 28! Screw good eye sight! How about a requirement like "Knows how to fly a plane!" Now that's a requirement! (By the way, the header on the AirAsia blog reads: "Shoestring Tips: How to be Cheap!" (Tip One: Don't buy shoestrings?)

"AirAsia's CEO Tony Fernandes told Reuters the airline expects to expand its services and remain resilient this year on the back of good demand for budget travel, despite the global recession." So, tell me....this "budget travel"....how much is it to fly a plane from 30,000 feet into the ground nose first when it's been piloted by your teenage blogger? Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's reasonable!

By the way, the motto or slogan or whatever it is for AirAsia is "Now Everyone Can Fly." Apparently so!

Yeah, good luck with all that.

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Does This Hat Match My Plane?

Look, we're all under stress at work in one form or another. If you're a pilot, there are going to be a lot of things to stress out about (I would imagine). You have to keep that big metal tube in the air for an extended period of time, for starters. And if there's bad weather, that could affect your stress level. Or if the flight is running behind schedule, that could have you on edge. Or if you're not sure whether or not to wear your pilot's hat. Wait. What?

According to our good friends across the pond at the Telegraph, over there in my second home of Salt Lake City, Utah, United Airlines had to cancel one of their flights because the pilot decided he was "not calmed and focused enough" to fly the plane to Denver. This revelation coming to him after everyone was already ON the plane. ( I would have twisted right on off. )

One of the passengers on the plane, a one Paul Jacobson, explained to the good folks over there at USA Today, how this unraveled. He said that the pilot got on the PA and said, "Some of you may have witnessed an incident I was involved in at the gate. I'm not going to go into the details, but it was an interpersonal confrontation that upset me significantly to the point where I'm not focused enough to fly you to Denver. I feel like I may not be calmed and focused enough to fly to Denver for another hour." As you can imagine, hilarity did not ensue after that announcement. Apparently, the passengers let out the obligatory groan after learning of this delay (followed by lots of the under the breath cursing and the oh-so rhetorical inquiry, "Are you freaking kidding me?" Sadly, no. They're not. But then things start to get weird.

The pilot, who oddly enough, was not identified, (yet. Just wait. We will know who this tool is soon enough.) had apparently been conflicted as to whether or not he should wear his hat. Yes, his hat. That thing perched atop a pilot's head. THAT hat. In fact, he was so conflicted that he was having an argument with his colleagues about whether or not to wear his hat in front of management. (No word on whether the colleagues were or were not hatless. Repeat, hatless.) Be-cause....management doesn't....like....hats? Maybe? WTF?!

I can't believe that the pilot couldn't fly the plane to Denver because he was upset about an argument over a hat. This is because of a hat. (Yeah, an asshat!) Now, it's not management that has the hat hang up. It's the pilots' union. The pilots union has apparently encouraged it's members (ie, pilots) to not wear their hats. This orchestrated hat removal is said to represent the universal symbol for protesting difficulties that the pilots have suffered since United's bankruptcy. It is? NO! Of course it isn't!!

What does not wearing your HAT have to do with being pissy that the company went rudder end up?! Let me see...oh, that's right! NOTHING! It has NOTHING to do with it! Whose crazy ass idea was that?! ("I know! We'll all take off our hats! Let them see OUR hair, for once. We're always staring at theirs. That'll show them. Then they'll know just how much trouble we've had to endure. Phffftt! Stupid bankruptcy. We'll show them though. As we must unite, hatless, as one!")

How many of these precious little snowflakes are employed by United to fly their planes? The answer should be ZERO. Listen up, dude. If you can't handle getting into it with some of your co-workers regarding whether or not you should wear a hat I don't want you piloting the long metal tube that I am on (that sounds worse than it is. I meant "the plane".). I mean, if you're THAT easily upset, God only knows what might happen to you up there at our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. ("What was that?! Oh, my GOD! It's a cloud! Somebody get the co-pilot in here! I'm feeling weak! I'm rather upset! I need to calm and focus after seeing that cloud! Stop mocking me! It was really big! And white and fluffy! My God!")

United is investigating and the pilots union isn't talking. No word on whether or not they're wearing their hats, though.

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