Wednesday, March 11, 2009

It Doesn't Get Much More Flori-duh-y Than This

Oh, but the residents of Flori-duh are not doing themselves any favors by continuing to behave in ways that, sadly, continue to personify the entire state. Seriously, it's to the point where 9 times out of 10, anything you hear in the news that is just beyond bizarre is likely to have taken place in Flori-duh. Flori-duh is the exception to the "Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved" rule of thumb when it comes to boneheads behaving badly.

Just for future reference, a few characteristics of a Flori-duh WTF news story:

  • There is some sort of an assault with an object that is not your typical assault object. This would include wildlife, food, alcohol bottles and/or any variation of a tiki statue/idol, etc.
  • Very often, a convenience store, laundromat, truck stop or moving vehicle is involved.
  • The participants are either under 30 or over 65.
  • Theft, money, drugs, strippers and/or hookers will also play a prominent role.

And this one meets and/or exceeds all of the above qualifications to render it a genuine Flori-duh WTF story.

According to tampabay.com, what we have is a one 26-year old Daniel L. Winter who was at a strip joint called Calendar Girls. (That's in Port Richey, FL. Just in case you happen to be in the area and feel like popping in just to see what all of the fuss is about.) When said stripper watching was completed, Daniel's friends, a one 18-year old Ashley Decicco and her boyfriend, a one 30-year old Shaun Nater, picked him up and drove to Burger King for a late night, post-stripper ogling snack. No problems with that. Yet.

As Ashley drove along US-19, she asked stripper-watcher Daniel for $3 to cover her gasoline costs. One would assume that he had the $3. After all, he was just watching strippers and they tend to require that one has a multitude of one dollar bills (even though they continue dancing whether you're throwing money at them or not. Go figure.). But Stripper-Watcher said no because "his rent was due". Um, dude, you just watched chicks on poles and then paid for the food you wanted your way and now your rent is due?! Then things start to get a little weird.

"According to authorities, they argued and Winter slapped Decicco in the face as she drove." Rule number one when being given a ride home: Never slap the driver while she's driving! I don't know what surprises me more. The fact that he's a guy and he slapped her (man up, dude!) or that he was sitting in the front where he could slap her. Oh, wait. He wasn't. What?

Correct. Daniel was in the back seat when he made the ill-advised decision to slap the person driving while they were on the freeway. Her boyfriend was in the front seat and all of the girlfriend slapping from the backseat apparently enraged him (you think?!) and he twisted around and punched Daniel. That's when the fish tank came into play.

For some reason (one that is inexplicably left out of the story), there was a fish tank in the back seat and according to tampabay.com, "...he allegedly beat Nater with it, but the fish tank had no effect on Nater." Oh, I don't know that it didn't have any effect on him. I'm sure that it made him more angry! It's not often that you're doing a guy a favor by giving him a ride home only to be whacked in the head with a fish tank. (And keep in mind, they're driving on the freeway at the time of this little altercation!"

In an effort to beat the guy with something that would have an effect on him (I guess), Daniel then looked for another weapon and "...grabbed....a beer bottle, also from the back seat (How convenient) and "...pummeled Nater with the beer bottle, but Nater was able to wrestle it away from him." Still driving! Still driving down the freeway!

"After getting the bottle from his friend, Nater bashed it over Winter's head several times until it broke." And yes, they're still driving at this point. But this must have been just a bit too much for Ashley, the 19 year-old driver who apparently has nerves of steel as evidenced by the fact that she didn't drive them all off of the road. Seriously! She has the equivalent of a WWF match going on next to her and yet she manages to keep on driving until she spies a Denny's and decides that looks like a good place to pull over in and call the cops.

"Both men were arrested on a charge of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon." Huh. "Deadly weapon?" I guess that anything and everything could be considered a "deadly weapon" if you're using it to bash someone else over the head. While I can't condone the fish tank beating and the beer bottle pummeling (and really, who could?), I can totally understand getting angry with Mr. Cheap-Ass Stripper Gawker there. Come on, dude! Three bucks?! It's not like you didn't have it! You saw strippers! You ate burgers! Give the chick her three bucks!

Given as how both of their bails are $10,000, that three bucks is looking like a pretty good deal right about now I'd imagine. Welcome to Flori-duh.

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5 comments:

grannyann said...

Catch this:Here's how the story goes: It seems as though a male anesthesiologist at a local hospital became irritated by a male nurse anesthetist. After a brief disagreement the doctor punched, and knocked out, the other male. A third male entered the situation and was headbutted by the doctor. According to rumor, the police were called and the patients that had been waiting for services were told to leave and return at a later date.

Oklahoma has some dorks also.

Mare said...

We have a winner!

Holy cow. I'm going to have to start checking in on Oklahoma more often. Though I do get a pretty good idea of what goes on over there from Irritated Tulsan over at:

http://irritatedtulsan.wordpress.com

Those Tulsans are pieces of work.

~ M

Anonymous said...

Seems she can't stay out of the slammer either:

06/07/2009 07:22 PM DECICCO, ASHLEY NICOLE DOB 11/19/1990
784.03 - BATTERY

Ashley Fuckin DeCicco said...

Fuck all you pussy ass hoes who act as if you know us... I bet i make more money than all you hoes talking shit... You are all just a bunch of cunts with nothing better to do

Mare said...

Hey, Ashley Fuckin DeCicco.

Thanks for finally getting around to reading my post almost two years after I wrote it. Judging from the antics you seem to be involved in, I can guess that you've been extremely busy.

I'm not sure what you're seemingly upset about, though. I COMPLIMENTED your fine driving skills!

But thanks for reading!

~ Mare