Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Ticking Biological Clock of a Drunken Lesbian

Here's one you don't hear every day (thank God): "Woman attacks wife.....

".....with turkey baster full of sperm."

Sweet mother of God, what?!

Correct. Unfortunately correct. A woman, (one who is partial to other women and thus dubbed a lesbian) a one Jennifer Lighten of Pittsfield, Massachusetts, was at home when her wife, a one Stephanie Lighten (I said she was her wife! You were warned), who was said to be rather "liquored up", allegedly "...threw Jennifer on the couch, grabbed at her clothes and threatened to impregnate her." Yeah, yeah, threaten all you want! You're a chick, right? Whaddaya gonna do about it? Well, that's when things started to get a little weird.

According to Lez Get Real, the phrase "threatened to impregnate her" meant that "...Stephanie had a ‘turkey baster and her brother’s semen in a sealed container.’ " Oh. So that's what she's gonna do about it. I see. All rightee then, everyone? All together now: Eeeewwwwwww!!!!!

See, this was a problem because "Jennifer said she told Stephanie that she didn’t want to get pregnant.” You don't say? Well, I can't imagine that if she did want to get pregnant that she'd want to do it like that, by God! But that wasn't good enough for Stephanie. Oh. I mean, allegedly it wasn't good enough because even after Jennifer ran into the bathroom and locked the door, Stephanie broke down the door! Well, she sounds like she'd make a fine mother! What else?

I guess she wasn't very good at breaking down bathroom doors in an attempt to get at her wife so she could impregnate her with the sperm of her brother that she was storing in a handheld poultry moistening device as she hurt her wrist and went to get an ice pack. Jennifer, sensing that since she wasn't currently trying to bash down the door that it would be a good time to make a run for it. So she did. Oh. Allegedly.

Jennifer hops in their SUV and would have made a clean getaway except that Stephanie, ready and raring to go after icing up her door impact injury, jumped on the side of car" and "...was hanging on the SUV door handle, trying to get in.” What the hell? Did she think OctoMom was in there, because that's how folks are behaving over at her place!

When the police arrived they then "....arrested a very intoxicated Stephanie Lighten outside her home." That must have been a pleasant encounter. Stephanie Lighten - Baster WielderEven moreso after they "... confiscated the weapon, plus a container of semen and some aluminum foil, which was originally was used to hold the semen." All right, just wait one minute! This is a whole lot of really bizarre information to digest all at once! The weapon? Um, the turkey baster? The container of....reproductive fluid, is that the...what? Ammunition for the weapon? And the aluminum foil? That has me pretty perplexed, as I'm fairly certain that the penis was originally used to hold the semen. But aside from that technicality, I still don't get where aluminum foil has any part to play in the forced reproductive process involving kitchen gadgets and a whole lotta liquor.

Stephanie was charged with domestic assault and battery. If you're wondering why she wasn't charged with assault with intent to rape (which apparently was the other choice) it was because Jennifer "...declined to go forward with any charges of assault with intent to rape, because she did not believe Stephanie was going to sexually assault her with the syringe." Um, what? You don't didn't think.....but she....and you.....and all the foil !!! What?!

Honeybabe, what did you think she was going to do with it? Show you how to keep a 14-lb. turkey all moist and juicy before guests arrive? I don't think that was it! I guess that it shouldn't surprise me that Stephanie now "....alleges that the police have lied about the assault." Um, we're you drunk?

According to the folks over at Lez Get Real, Stephanie has stated that Stephanie Lighten - March 12 photo"...she believes that the police are lying in large part because her brother, Nicholas Lighten, was assaulted by a police officer who was then removed from the police force. Nicholas Lighten was punched in the face by Officer Patrick Duffy while Mr. Lighten was on the ground handcuffed. An internal investigation found Duffy to be in violation of police procedures and he was let go." That happened in 2006! HOW exactly does that play into your denying that you were going to impregnate your wife against her will with the sperm of your brother who was once punched by a cop 3 years ago? I just don't see the connection.

Although I do see the connection between a)someone who gets all liquored up and then procures the sperm of her brother and uses aluminum foil in some way and a turkey baster in another way and then tries to force some, any or all of the above onto or into her not-wanting-to-get-pregnant wife, and b) someone who would say that the police just made that story up because her brother was punched by a cop 3 years ago. I see that connection. The commonality in both of those examples is that the person is crazy! That's the thread that binds those two together right there.

I'm going to just guess and say that these two are going to be together for a long, long time. I have the feeling that there will unfortunately be more colorful antics in their future. So thank God for the Internet, otherwise the rest of the entire world might never know about it. Keep that in mind there, ladies, the next time that you're thinking of skipping those family planning classes and just venturing out on your own. If nothing else, remember that the Internet knows all. And it never, ever forgets.

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grannyann said...

That story almost wore me out. What a hoot.

La Belle Canadienne said...

If I didn't know any better I'd think all Americans were freaks.

Fortunately I've met some very nice, boring ones.

All I can say is WHAT THE F*CK?

Mare said...

If I didn't know better, I'd think all Americans were freaks too. Reading about chicks like her, however, do make me wonder if I'm being misled.

Boring is highly underrated.

~ M

La Belle Canadienne said...

U make a point. Boring is highly overrated. It's a slow death.

I have had and continue to have some weird adventures but nothing as strange as what appears on ur blog.

At least the provide fodder and amusement 4 u and the rest of us who read u :)

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