It Sawz-All...Even That!

Look, I know what it's like (OK, I vaguely remember) to be in the midst of the throes of passion. Pretty much anything at that very moment sounds like a good idea. Upside down? Sure! From a chandelier? Bring it on! Hot fudge, strawberries, some whipped cream? All the better? Fully operational and currently functioning saber saw? Hold on there, pardner! Back away from the bed slowly there, champ.

It's hard to know where to start with this one. It's even harder to type at all without constantly cringing. Sometimes, if a particular post has to do with some sort of injury to the penile nether region of the male species, I will mention that I don't even have one and it's making me cringe. This time I do possess (and am fond of) the particular area involved and the cringing has just been constant. I'm cringing right now. But probably not as much as a woman in Lexington Park, Maryland.

Before I continue, I want to give a brief, power tool primer. For those of you not in the know of the realm of power tools, a saber saw can also be called a Sawz-All or sawzall. Why is it called that? Because it "saws all". Saws. As in cuts. Cuts with sharp little teeth. Sometimes when people say "saber saw" they're referring to a jigsaw. It's a different animal than the Sawz-All, but it does possess the same components of sharp little teeth which are powered by an electric motor. Did I mention the sharp little teeth? They're used to cut through wood, you know. Behold! Some power saws that could be called "saber saws"!

We're going to focus on the Sawzall for the purpose of this story, as that's how I'm imaging this unfortunate occurrence took place. It's seeming to be anatomically awkward to use the jigsaw in the scenario I'm about to lay out. Here's what the folks over at WUSA9 had to say to begin their story: "A Southern Maryland woman was seriously injured in a mishap involving a sex toy over the weekend." Oh, God, I think I might pass out. What?!?!

"The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, (please no) and then used the power tool on his partner (No, no!! No, no!!), but the blade cut through the plastic (Oh, God!) and injured the woman." Yep. Entirely possible I might pass out at this juncture.

Are you kidding me?!?! First of all, I don't rightly know what to say. Again, I'm all for the throes of passion, but not with a Sawz-All and definitely not with it....there!! I don't care how good it's supposed to be, it can't be good enough to risk....that!! And risk it she did. Unfortunately "The victim, a 27-year-old woman, was reportedly injured and bleeding." I can imagine that she was!! She was also likely to have been incredibly horrified and having incredible remorse at that moment.

What were you people thinking? I don't care how great it's supposed to be! You're not comin' near me with a power saw! Did the instructions on whatever miracle toy you folks had say to put the damn thing on a Sawz-All that still had the blade attached to it?! Those Sawz-All blades? Yeah, they come off, you know! I'm really surprised that I didn't read the five words that most commonly accompany this sort of story. Those words being: "Authorities believe alcohol was involved."

By the way, the image below is how the webpage looked when I went there to read about this story. I saw the headline "Woman Injured in Sex Toy Mishap" and then the little Geico gecko (whom I love) and for a moment there, I was really worried that the gecko was involved somehow. Thankfully, he was not. (And if he read that story, he'll know how to avoid that sort of "sex toy mishap" in the future, should the situation arise. Probably no pun intended there.)

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Open Wide Inside The...Kitchen?

Fear prevents a lot of bad things from happening. In fact, fear is absolutely necessary. I see fear as being one of those things that can really help keep a person in line. If it wasn't for fear, humans would be doing all sorts of nutty stuff all the time. Jumping off of cliffs, flying kites in the rain, going to a dentist who runs his practice out of his kitchen. Wait. What?

Fresh from the pages of LoHud.com, we learn about a one Carlos Flores who "...had a dentist chair, the requisite tools and even the necessary drugs to treat dental patients in the kitchen of his Crompond Road home. The only thing he lacked was a license." Oh, sweet mother of God, WHAT?!?! The only thing he lacked was a license?! That's kind of the most important thing if you're asking me. It's right up there with a dental office out of which to run your practice of dentistry! I'm thinking an office was also lacking in this scenario in addition to the license.

(By the way, if you are susceptible to any sort of queasiness brought on my dentist/dental horror stories, you might want to stay away from this post. There are lovely pictures to accompany this tale of oral hell and they might cause that one feeling. You know, the one right before you yak all over your keyboard or pass out and whack your noggin on the mouse. Either way, not pleasant.)

If you're wondering how an out-of-kitchen dental office is discovered, "Police learned that Flores was running the practice after a man who went to him for a toothache wound up in the emergency room." You don't say? Someone who went to the Kitchen Dentist ended up in an emergency room? Now, when they say "emergency room", do they mean "emergency room" or do they mean "backyard" or perhaps "pantry"? After all, the guy was fine with "dentist's office" being in a "kitchen", so it's really hard to know.

"Flores attempted to pull his tooth and, in doing so, broke the tooth and caused further injury." Excuse me for a minute while I go and get a paper bag to breathe into so that I don't pass out. Oh. My. God. What else? "Among the equipment police seized were the dental chair, drills, orthodontic equipment and controlled substances used in dentistry. Flores claims to have been a licensed orthodontist in his native Ecuador, but police have not been able to confirm this." Um, who cares?! I don't care if he's a dentist in his native Ecuador. In case you hadn't noticed, his kitchen was in New York! I don't care if he's King of all of the dentists in Dental Land, if he's doing dentistry in his kitchen, nothing else matters! Nothing!

One of the detectives on the case, a Detective Sgt. Eric Johansen, said "It looks to be that he was catering to the poor, Hispanic population. He made indications to us that he had only done it for people who couldn't afford insurance." Well, I should hope so! I'd hate to think that someone who HAD insurance would be seeking out Gordon Ramsey, DDS over there!

But here's where it gets comical. (And I don't know about you, but I could use some amusement right about now.) "Most disturbing about the practice were the unsanitary conditions." WHAT are my other choices?! What else IS there other than the unsanitary conditions? Poor lighting? Bad taste in drapery? What else could there possibly BE?!?!

"The tools were blood-stained, and it appears as if he had no regard for any sanitary code." Wait. What? A guy practicing dentistry out of his kitchen had no regard for any sanitary code? Are you kidding me? I am shocked, just shocked, at that revelation! I mean, I would expect the practicing without a license, the questionable immigration status, the dental chair next to the stove, but no regard for any sanitary code? THAT just came from out of nowhere! Who would have ever thought THAT?! Why, this guy is starting to sound like he might not be much of a real dentist at all!

The guy was charged "...with unauthorized practice of a profession, a felony, and seventh-degree criminal possession of a controlled substance, a misdemeanor." Seventh-degree felony? What the hell is that? Seventh? Why bother? I don't get it. But you know what else I don't get? I don't get how things like this happen. Not the fact that the guy could be running a dental practice out of his kitchen, but how he would have any people to DO any dentistry ON out of his kitchen! I mean, I understand not having any cash for these sorts of things. But even still, I don't think I'd be staying in some guy's kitchen to have him work on my teeth! I just don't think I could do it. How do those people ever relax to the point where they can even open their mouth for him to peer in there (probably with his Black and Decker Snakelight and a big paper clip fashioned in the shape of a hook)?

Some stupidity is a team effort. This little story was a perfect example of one sort of stupidity. Without the people who were willing to pull themselves on up to the kitchen counter and let Dr. Dumbass there poke around in their mouth with garden implements or whatever else he had handy (spatula, meat thermometer, Bic ballpoint pen, anything really), Dr. Dumbass never would have been able to see his Dream Kitchen/Dental Office come to full fruition. A classic case of 'You scratch my back, I'll pull out your lower left molar with this hand vise.'

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The Magical Weed Wand

Sometimes, you know exactly how a situation is going to turn out before you get to the end. But sometimes, when you get to the end of the story, while it turns out exactly as you had predicted it would, there's occasionally an aspect that you hadn't predicted which interests you as much, sometimes more than, the story itself. This story is one of those.

From the fine folks across the pond at The Telegraph, we learn about a 79-year old scientist named Robert Gailey who accidentally burned down his neighbor's front yard while he was removing weeds from his driveway. That won't seem SO impossible when I tell you that he was removing the weeds with a blowtorch. (Aaahhh. See? Another piece of the puzzle falls into place.)

Mr. Gailey said that it only took seconds before the manicured lawn and evergreen trees of his neighbors, Stuart and Phyllis McLean, were aflame. The shrubbery soon followed suit. The Fire Brigade was called and the fire was extinguished without damage to any homes. The spokesman for the Fire Brigade offered up these words of wisdom, "People should be extremely careful when they use blowtorch devices such as these in their gardens."

OK, so what is this "blowtorch device" that Mr. Gailey was using and that the Fire Brigade is apparently aware of? It sounds ridiculous. A flame thrower to eliminate weeds. (See, the thing about weeds is that, while they most likely DO burn, they're usually around a bunch of other things that will burn ALSO. Why fire is a preferred alternative to, say, pulling the weed out has escaped me.) Behold! The Weed Wand!

Oh, what the hell is that? Well, the Weed Wand is an actual product (sometimes marketed under different names and/or styles, but all with the same basic operating principle) which consists of a metal shaft about 2 feet long which is attached to a tank via a propane hose. The shaft has a handle and a control knob and some models sport a very handy one-touch ignition button. Basically, the Weed Wand emits a flame that is approximately 6 inches long and is about 2000 degrees. You can even get a backpack kit for this bad boy so that you're not stuck in whichever area your fuel tank is. You can attach it to smaller fuel tanks and then put those on your back. This set-up allows you the freedom to move about your yard and property with the equivalent of a small bomb on your back (a scenario which adds excitement to "weed killing" like never before!).

I read several descriptions of the Weed Wand and what it can be used for (aside from burning down things that burn ) and I'm sure that you'll be excited (if not surprised) at the multitude of uses that a 2,000 degree flame thrower has around the home. The Weed Wand can be used for:

• Clearing patios, paths, gravel areas, rockeries and around ponds. (Rockeries? Who am I? Mr. Slate?)
  
  
• It can also be used to de-ice slippery frozen drives and paths.
  
  
• Cleaning gardens, sidewalks, driveways, retaining walls and shorelines (Shorelines?! The Weed Wand is apparently not for the mildly ambitious.)
  
  
• Also used for de-icing driveways and sidewalks, melting pond ice and thawing pipes. (Why is it that I'm in such a hurry for my pond ice to melt?)
  

Apparently, the benefits that outweigh the obvious and immediate danger of burning down everything which surrounds you and your weeds is that "the high temperature flame disrupts the cell structure of weeds, causing them to wither and die within a day or two without using expensive toxic chemicals" But wait! There's more! "Flame weeders are also useful to kill disease and pests and reduce the number of viable weeds seeds. Some gardeners and farmers periodically burn whole strips of land with fires fuelled by dry vegetation." Now they're killing disease AND burning down your neighbor's yard. Huh. Diverse.

I found it more than a little amusing that one of the product descriptions included this reminder at the end: "Always take care not to start a brush fire!" Will do!

This thing seems like it has been available to the public for general home and garden arson purposes for at least three or four years. While I don't find that to be overly amazing, what I do find amazing is that this is the first instance I've read of someone burning something down other than their weeds. I mean, come on, people are idiots. Why are there not more fires?

I'm sure that men love this tool. I'm sure that men would be perfectly willing to tackle any household chore as long as it involved the Weed Wand and it's 6-inch Flame o' Death. Removing weeds, removing siding, doing the dishes, whatever it is, if the Weed Wand is involved, they'll be there. I'm sure that women would enjoy this tool also, but I doubt that it would be with the same "Tim, the Tool Man, Taylor" sort of joy that men probably exhibit. I'm also thinking that when the guy brings home the Weed Wand (as he will purchase one within 2 weeks of either a) learning of it's existence through store display or media advertisement, or b) watching the neighbor strap his onto his back and incinerating the dandelions by the porch), his first words will be, "Isn't this cool?" And his wife's first words will be, "I don't know if this is such a good idea." (She will continue to utter that phrase until she actually tries it out herself. Then she will realize the power of the propane torch and become one with it.)

So I thought this was just going to be a story about a moron who burned down his neighbor's yard. And while it was sort of that (though the guy didn't sound like a moron), I became more interested in the side story: The Weed Wand. Who knew? (I might need one of these though. Stay tuned, won't ye?)

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