Sunday, September 30, 2012

Not So New Bagel Head Craze

So, for some reason, I keep reading various reports about this "new" craze that's going on over yonder in wacky, wacky Japan.  It's in the Huffington Post where they call it the "latest beauty craze".  It's over at Fox News where they claim that the "fad" is "in vogue" right now. And the New York Daily News calls it a "new body art fad". See the similarities?  New, new, and more new!  Here's the problem:  It's anything but new.  In fact, someone might have wrote all about this over three years ago.  That's right.  Someone.  Who could that possibly be?  OH, that's right.  It was me.  I wrote about this nonsense three freaking years ago in a blog post to be found here.  Why is it just now being reported as "new"?  I have no idea.  The media sucks, maybe?  But if you'd like to read a three-year old report on a three-year old craze in Japan, have at it.  Behold! 

There's a reason for my metaphoric walled off compound. It keeps the idiots away. Granted, it also tends to make it difficult to weed out the sane folks (because my theory is "assume they're all crazy right from the start and let them prove you wrong later"), but the truly sane will eventually rise to the level of my putting down the drawbridge that enables them to cross the moat. I realize it might sound a bit extreme and all, but my rationale is completely reasonable: People are morons. And they're getting more moronic by the minute. At least once a day I think "What in the hell is wrong with you people?" about something. Usually Congress, but regular (or not so much) folk as well.
I uttered those very words today when I read about a new fad that's HUGE in Japan right now. Brace yourselves (and pray that it doesn't start showing up here) for the invasion of the Bagelheads. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be the latest 'craze' over yonder in Japan. Please note that the word "crazy" is derived from the word "craze". Or maybe it's the other way around. Whichever it is, it means the same thing if you're participating in all of the Bagelheading. It means you're nuts.

This little craze is explained over at Bizarre Magazine, and I cannot think of a more appropriate outlet to cover this story. The technique is called "body inflation". Now, I thought that was something that just happened to folks during the holidays, but sadly, in Japan, it is not. "Body inflation" involves injecting saline underneath the skin until it swells into a large protrusion that resembles a bagel. Somehow, by pressing on the "inflation" you can manage to form an indentation that will stay there. (Why it doesn't just inflate right out again is beyond me. And really, this whole thing was so completely disgusting to me that I had difficulty reading about it so I could figure out what the hell was going on. Needless to say that I won't be embarking on any long and extended fact finding missions anytime soon.) And after it's properly indented then you will have achieved your desired look - that of someone with a bagel growing inside of them. Behold!

Why a bagel? Why not toast or a muffin? Just wondering. It wouldn't matter if it were to look like a piece of toast or a muffin because just looking at that makes me want to chunder. That's absolutely disgusting. Oh, but it doesn't stop there! No, it gets worse! Behold! Worse!

Seriously, this is not the doing of a completely sane individual. You have to have a touch of mental illness of some sort to do something like that. And while not all mental illness is horrifyingly bad, I certainly can't say that this is good. Look at it! Behold!

Ugh. According to a one Ryoichi ‘Keroppy’ Maeda who has been covering the "body modification scene" since 1992, the reasons that people have for doing this are because "...saline infusion is a gradual process and you become a freak progressively. That’s the joy of it. You can enjoy watching it by having a few drinks and gradually seeing a transformation, but if you’re looking all the time, you can’t see the difference. If you meander off and come back, it’s a real surprise.” Yeah, it's going to take more than "a few drinks" for me to do something like that. And as far as the "real surprise", YES! I would imagine it WOULD be a bit of a "surprise" to see a bagel growing out of one's FOREHEAD, when just a few hours ago NO bagels were there! He insists that "It’s not dangerous, though. It’s just water – there are no scars. It’s a dull pain and sometimes you might get a headache, but it doesn’t last forever." Dull pain. Headache. Sounds like great fun! Usually I wait until the next day when my hangover sets in before I go for the dull pain and a headache, but not these folks. AND they're paying for it!

But even though it isn't dangerous "...some people who’ve done it regularly have found their skin has permanently expanded." You think?!?! Shocking. Blowing up your body parts to have it appear as if the Keebler elves have abandoned their hollow tree and have taken up residence in your noggin and began cranking out their snacks when something got stuck somewhere and you ended up looking like a freak of nature. Behold!

It's just not normal. I don't care how not "dangerous" it is. But people continue to do them because, according to founder Shannon Larratt "It’s a play activity, and not a permanent body modification – though doing it regularly on your testicles can permanently stretch the scrotum."
::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

I'm not even going to ASK how he knows that. I'm just going to let it go. Lettin' it go!

Back to the safety issues, he added, "It’s safe if the person follows basic sterility control and cleanliness issues – but if they don’t, it can be dangerous. An infection trapped inside the scrotum can be life-threatening." I SAID LETTING GO!! I'm trying to let go, but once again, there's the scrotum popping up and making a mess out of everything. (Damn scrotum. I don't know how you guys walk around with those things down there.) But I would imagine that ANYTHING that is "trapped" inside of a "scrotum" would pose a challenge. Look, the male reproductive organ isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing or anything, so I can only imagine it looks like something straight out of an alien horror movie if it has testicles that look like bagels. (Yeah, that'll get you laid, fellas. You betcha.)

As if this wasn't bizarre enough, you can customize your head bagel! There are colors! Thank GOD I don't have any pictures of the colored Bagelheads. Mr. Larratt there says that "An interesting variation is using food colouring in the saline, which discolours the inflated tissue." Lovely. Discolored tissue. Yes, it's all coming back to me now. Didn't gangrene discolor the tissue as well? Funny though, I don't remember it being so much of a "craze", really.

You know what Japan is? They're the Florida of Earth. After all, they're the same folks who gave us Hello Kitty. And now? This. The Bagelheads. I think I've made myself clear.

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