Separated at Birth

There are a lot of times when you see two people and you will swear up and down that they were separated at birth OR that you know who their secret love child is. You know, like how Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (the terrorist guy on trial who wanted the courtroom sketch artist to redraw his nose because it didn't look right) looks as if he is clearly the love child of a one Rosie O'Donnell and one porn star Ron Jeremy. Behold!

What'd I tell you? Or like how 2005 World Series of Poker Main Event Champion Joe Hachem looks ridiculously similar to the Count from Sesame Street.

And then there are the criminals who bear striking resemblances to people that we know and love. Like the BTK killer and George Costanza ("It wasn't me! I was in the pool! I was in the pool!)

Or the recently captured mass murderer Nicholas Sheley and Woody Harrelson.

Or the Austrian pervert and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. (That bastard stole a whole lot more than just Christmas, I'll tell you that. Burn in hell, dude. Oh, sorry. That just seemed like the obligatory thing to say whenever that guy's name comes up. It's kind of like Tourette's. Only I can control it and I don't want to. Burn in hell, dude. See?)

And even American Idol Not-Enough-Vote-Getters-But-Very-Gay-And-Entertaining-While-They-Lasted contestants Danny Noriega and Sanjaya.

All very, very similar and the alleged relationships are based purely on wild, unadulterated speculation. But this one....hoo-boy! This one I don't know. I mean, I realize that I'm speculating, but I don't really think I'd be stretching it too much if I said I'm 99% certain that these two individuals are either one and the same OR were separated at birth. The only problem with my theory and that proclamation is that one is a cartoon and the other is not and that seems like it would involve some sort of cross species breeding procedure that I'm not quite sure has been fully developed to include the scope of cartoon characters and humans fornicating to reproduce. (And if it hasn't, I'm pretty sure they're really close.)

In Queensbury (that's in New York), a 38-year old man, a one Brad Ballard (or so he says), was arrested after selling hydrocodone pills on more than one occasion to an undercover police officer (which is almost never a good idea).

Mr. Ballard (or so he says) was charged with two fourth degree felony counts of criminal sale of a controlled substance. (They have fourth degree felonies in New York? Not just third? I mean, third is like the mildest of all the felonies. What in the hell is a fourth degree felony? It sounds sort of like, "Ah, we kind of have to arrest you, but we kind of don't want to, and it's not that big of a deal...but we've gotta come up with something. I know! We'll make up another level of offense, call it a 'fourth degree' felony and be on our way. Fair enough? Good!")

Below are Mr. Ballard's mug shots. I'm sure that you will instantly recognize him. Behold!

What? Can't place him? Sure you can! You're just confused because you're looking at the live version of him as opposed to the two dimensional animated version of him. Fine, let me help you out! Is he Brad Ballard.....or is he.....Peter Griffin?

I'm telling you, they are one and the same. I'm not hearing any dissention from the crowd (all six of you), so I'm sure I'm right. Keep your eyes open for the rest of the cast of 'Family Guy' to show up in mugshots near you soon!

Sphere: Related Content

George Shea Did Not Disappoint

Well how was that for a Fourth of July hot dog eating contest? It had everything you could want (in an event where grown adults try to cram an un-godly amount of food down their pipe in whatever fashion they choose in a very short amount of time)! It had drama! It had controversy! It had noise and crowds! It had euphemisms and hot dogs! But most importantly, it had George Shea.

George Shea is the co-founder of the International Federation of Competitive Eating (the IFCE), which changed its name recently to Major League Eating (forget the IFCE. Now it's MLE.) The change being due to the "rapid rise" of competitive eating " into the ranks of major American sports." Or, at least, so says the Rocky Mountain News. The man is an orator of competitive eating commentary like no other now or before him (as if there was one, and I really hope there wasn't). He takes phrases and words from here and there and then mixes them all up like they're Garanimals and somehow, by some miracle of the Word Gods, somehow they come out in a beautifully worded, slightly bizarre, somewhat confusing phrase that fits the moment and sets the scene perfectly.

As it turns out, George Shea is no slouch. The man's pretty smart. (He'd have to be to make a career and to make on heck of a living by turning competitive eating into a freaking sport.) At the very least, he's definitely well read. My favorite George Shea utterance has to be, "We arrive at this moment by the unswerving punctuality of chance!" Turns out, that phrase, according to George, is in reference to the works of William Gaddis, in which the phrase appears in every one of his five novels. (Gaddis got it from Thomas Wolfe's Look Homeward, Angel, published in 1929, as it reads, "Inevitable catharsis by the threads of chaos. Unswerving punctuality of chance. Apexical summation, from the billion deaths of possibility, of things done." Um, OK. I think.) OK, I wasn't even sure who William Gaddis was when I heard George explain that this is where that phrase originated. I'm still not sure who he is, other than an author who wrote very long, very difficult to understand novels that I'm sure George Shea and about five other people really enjoyed. I think that the point I'm trying to make is that George Shea is no idiot. Or something like that.

At the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island yesterday, defending champion, the holder of the Yellow Mustard Belt, Joey Chestnut, of San Jose,CA, was defending his title against his arch enemy in the hot dog eating world, Takeru Kobayashi, of Japan. And George Shea was there to hold our hand and guide us through the most disgusting, vomitous, gag-inducing ten minutes that you will ever have the extreme displeasure of watching. (Whenever I watch this thing, as soon as it's over, I always feel like I need to take a shower.)

ESPN, for some reason, felt the need to have it's own commentators for this event. WHY they felt the need to do that is beyond me. Have they never listened to George Shea? They must not have. The guys that were doing the ESPN coverage had clearly not done their homework. They seemed to assume that the things that George says were just a bunch of wacky words all thrown together that sounded funny and they figured they could do the same. That is the only explanation for some of the crap that I heard the ESPN guys churn out. Things such as:

• "They attack those hot dogs like Lindsay Lohan attacks a mini bar. It is completely reckless." (Lohan's too busy being a closeted lesbian these days to go after a mini bar, fellas. Try to keep up. May I suggest 'People' or 'Us' magazines?)
  
  
• "These guys are absolute magicians. Look, hybrid Yukon, Drillbit Taylor, bleach alternative. I don't have all the answers. But what I do know is Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut, they can eat." (Too many references to too many things that don't make sense. You're trying too hard guys. The hilarity must flow.)
  
  
• "There are certainties in sports. Tiger WILL win another Masters. Brady WILL win another Super Bowl. Lance Armstrong will, perhaps, start dating Jennifer Aniston. It's gotta be in the cards, right? And Kobayashi will win another mustard belt." (Note to self: Before rattling off the names of a bunch of sports guys who have won championships as the basis for your analogy, always make sure that they are STILL competing in the sport so you don't have to fall back on who they may or may not date at some point in the future.)


• "If you put all the hot dogs that Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut ate end to end it would be about the equivalent of the 1st and ten marker at an NFL game." (Hmm..so what's that? Oh, I know. TEN yards?! You can't just SAY 'TEN yards'? Morons.)


• "The passion is raw but the hot dogs are cooked." (OK, that one is actually pretty good.)

Thank God that some red blooded American was actually at Coney Island to witness this prime example of classic Americana take place and uploaded the video to that YouTube thing. It is because of that patriot that we are able to hear the great George Shea operate in an arena of pure emotion as he takes us through the competition, bit by bit.

A few of the highlights from George:

• "You can see the human struggle in every compression of the jaw. In every drop of saliva." (If you're wondering how much saliva was actually dropping, trust me. You don't want to know.)
  

• "It is the daughter of Cain versus the son of Abel." (In reference to the iconic Sonya Thomas, aka The Black Widow of competitive eating.)
  
  
• "This is Sosa-McGwire! This is Ali-Frazier! These two warriors! They are warriors! Spartans! Spar-Tans!" (Right. Just like Sosa-McGwire. Only not quite so 'roid-y.)


• "We are approaching the three minute mark. There will be 7 minutes! 7 seas! 7 shores! 7 heavens! 7 days! 7 minutes left in this contest!"
  
  
• "We stand here among the ghosts of the past! We have nothing left but to witness this history!"
  
  
• "Kobayashi is an injured animal. But his skeleton is titanium!" (Huh?)

And my two personal favorite George Shea utterances from Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, 2008:

• "And Joey Chestnut is at fifty hot dogs. One hot dog for every state in this nation. One hot dog for every way to leave your lover. One hot dog for every hot dog for every hot dog in fifty hot dogs!" (Well, I guess if you're ever thinking of things to compare a certain number of things to and you run out of comparisons, you can always fall back on the thing itself to compare itself to. It worked for George, it can work for you!)
  
  
• "Like a city under seige, I know not which way to turn! I am at a loss. I am like an island whose trees have been snapped by a hurricane and the trees now lie scattered like the broken letters of a long forgotten language. I know not which way to turn!" (Well, you can't argue with that. Mainly because you don't know what in the hell it means.)
  

Below is the video with the George Shea commentary. And while the video isn't much to watch, it's definitely worth listening to.

And in what is sort of seeming like an afterthought that I'm just throwing in, (spoiler alert!) Joey Chestnut successfully defended the Yellow Mustard Belt and won the contest. but he had to do so in OT. Joey and Kobayashi were tied at the end of the regulatory 10 minutes, so they went to a 5-dog eat off and Joey Chestnut easily crushed his opponent, Takeru Kobayashi.

Congratulations, Joey!

And thank you, George Shea!

Sphere: Related Content

The Unswerving Punctuality of Chance

We arrive at this moment by the unswerving punctuality of chance! Wait. What?

Ah, the words of George Shea on a hot July afternoon. What's that? You don't know who George Shea is?! Seriously? You, my good friends, all six of you reading this, you are missing out on one of the great joys of summertime if you have yet to experience Mr. George Shea.

George Shea is the announcer guy (yes, I believe that's his official title) for the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that is held at Coney Island every year on July 4. He is also the chairman of Major League Eating (I swear).

George Shea is an announcer like no other I have ever heard. The man is a national treasure. Where he comes up with the euphemisms that he throws together is beyond me. I'd like to think that he's just making them up on the spot, but you never know. Some of the stuff that he says is pretty bizarre and he just might have thought of it earlier and made a mental note of it so that he'd have it ready during his commentary of the Major League Eating sanctioned gluttony occurring right before his very eyes. But even if that's true, he had to think it up in the first place. And that is where the genius shines through.

Just in case you didn't catch the poetic shouting that George was spreading, allow me....

• This is a battle of the Ages!
• This is a battle of the Titans!
• That being that is half God and half man and it comes to earth only once!
• In only one location!
• For only one purpose!
• And that is here at Coney Island for this historic contest!
• Ladies and gentlemen...STEP! WITH! ME! NOW! Onto the world stage!
• Step with me onto the Mount Sinai of Mastication!
• The Madison Square Garden of Gurgitation !
• The Sanctum Sanctorum of Salivation !
• The Colesium of Competitive Eating !
• So it is and so it shall be!
• LET THE CONTEST BEGIN!

Poetry. Sheer poetry, I tell you.

If you've never watched the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on the 4th of July at Coney Island, you are missing out. It is 12 minute of sheer gluttony like no other that you (hopefully) will ever witness in your lifetime. I guarantee it. Disgusting doesn't even come close to describing how gross this event is. Impossible and phenomenal are two other words that come to mind, but they run a very, very distant 2nd and 3rd, with "disgusting" having a huge lead and holding firm as the number one way to describe this contest.

Now, although I said it was 12 minutes of sheer gluttony, that won't be the case this year. No, this year it will be only 10 minutes of sheer gluttony. That's because someone unearthed some handwritten notes from 1917 (the second year of the contest) which said that the bout lasted for 10 minutes.

Shea said it's about preserving history. "Does this impact the most hotly contested rivalry since Ali-Frazier?" Wait. What? "That’s not the issue!” Oh. But, I... “The issue is history, and the preponderance of the evidence now suggests that the contest was always 10 minutes." Sure, but...“It’s like the Constitution. Are you a strict constructionist or not?” Are YOU a strict constructionist, George? “I don’t know. What’s a strict constructionist — is that Scalia? I’m not sure. But on this, I am a strict constructionist.” Well, OK then. There you have it. 10 minutes it is!

And who can know for sure until after the contest is over whether or not the number of hot dogs that are able to be crammed down one's gullet will be comparable to last year's astounding record by Joey Chestnut with SIXTY SIX hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes! (I don't think I could eat 66 hot dogs in a WEEK, let alone 12 minutes. Gross.) Because it seems to me, just judging from past records, that the number of hot dogs that are able to be consumed by one individual in a very short period of time varies greatly and for no apparent reason. Seriously, look at the crappy image of the chart below. Basically, from 1990 until 2000, the winner was hovering in the range of between 19-ish and 25 hot dogs. And I don't know what the hell happened in 2001 when Takeru Kobayashi came along and ingested double the number eaten in the previous year's contest.

After the first time that the 50 dog mark was broken, no one ever looked back. No, instead they looked forward to the 60 dog mark and beyond. 66 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. It's something that I highly doubt we will ever see again. If the 60 dog mark gets broken this year, it will be accompanied by a lingering sense of "What if?" Because if someone can inhale over 60 dogs in a time frame that is 2 minutes LESS than last years, well, that could end up feeling like we all missed out on something that would have shown us just what the human body was actually capable of.

But regardless as to whether the contest is 10 minutes or 12. Regardless as to whether the winner will have been able to consume more or less hot dogs than the 66 that were consumed last year. Regardless as to whether or not Joey Chestnut will be able to successfully defend his title and bring the Yellow Mustard Belt back home again. Regardless of all of those things, we will still have George Shea and his oddly poetic, surprisingly Shakespearean-esque commentary. Yes, we will still have that. Thank God.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes said by George Shea at the 2007 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The man is a wordsmith like no other.

• "This is a triumph of the human spirit! It is nothing less than a triumph of the human spirit! As I said." (Ramming hot dogs down your gullet at the speed of approximately one every 10.9 seconds is the "triumph of the human spirit"? God, I hope not.)


• "For Americans to see the belt go to Japan every year, it's kind of depressing, as well! It's like that song by David Bowie "Major Tom". You're enjoying it and suddenly you realize how sad it is. Major Tom's not coming back. He's out in that tin can! He says to his wife, "I love you very much." She knows! But it's very sad! Major Tom's not coming back! But the BELT may be coming back to Brooklyn!"


• "His ancestors started on the shores of time looking up the wide white highway of history at this the culmination of his DNA!" ("The culmination of his DNA?" WTF?)


• "One minute to go!! One minute!! A hero arises to lead a broken planet to victory and that hero is Joey Chestnut! He is standing up like William Wallace! Like Donovan McNabb! Like Joan of Arc before him and he is bringing it forth! He is eating with incredible speed!" (A Scottish knight and patriot, a female teenage leader of French Armies and the quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. Huh. Diverse.)

Good luck, Joey Chestnut.

And thank you, George Shea.

Sphere: Related Content

The 2 or More Point Expletive

Quiz time! (Please do not answer this question in the fashion exhibited by the subject of this post. I will have a much different reaction than some.)

Suppose you are a senior examiner for the Assessment and Qualifications Alliance (the ol' AQA) over there in Great Britain. Your job is to grade the exams that are taken by British high school students. One of the exams that you are given to grade is blank except for the words "f*** off" written on it. Do you:

• A) Fail the student


• B) Fail the student
  
  
• C) Fail the student
  
  
• D) Give the student credit because the phrase expressed meaning and was spelled correctly.
  

If you answered "D", you are, unfortunately, correct! Wait. What?

From our good friends across the pond there at The Times UK, senior examiner Peter Buckroyd gave the student 2 out of 27 points possible for the English paper that he turned in with only the two word expletive phrase written across the top. Yes, apparently you can earn some points (not ZERO points) by only writing "f*** off" on your exam. WTF? why is that?

Well, Buckroyd (who I am oh-so tempted to just call Asshat from here on out, but I'll refrain. For now.) is quoted as explaining his reasoning behind giving the student points (and thereby giving the student credits) as, "It would be wicked to give it zero because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for, like conveying some meaning and some spelling." Oh, my God, WHAT?!!? Expressed meaning? And while that may be true, from what I can tell the only "meaning" that was "expressed" is that the student is an IDIOT! (Granted, the moron grading the exam is a bigger idiot, but it was the expletive on the exam that expressed the meaning, which is why I couldn't attribute the moronic character to Mr. Buckroyd at that moment. But I can now. He's a bigger idiot.) And, seriously, "spelled correctly"? ONE of the words was "OFF" for cryin' out loud! This was a high school student! And really, truth be known, expletives? Not all that hard to spell! Even easier to say! Even the expletives that are compound words are composed of two basically easy to spell words! That's probably why you never hear "f***" as one of the words at the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Words like "f***"? Highly inappropriate. And too damn easy to spell!

Buckroyd also said, "It's better than someone that doesn't write anything at all." Is IT? Is it, SIR? Is "f*** off" BETTER than NOTHING?! I don't know about anyone else, but I'm thinking I'd rather have NOTHING than "f*** off". (Actually, in this case, I'd rather have the kid just TAKE THE DAMN TEST!)

You know what though? Turns out that it could have been worse. How? Buckroyd said the student would have received a HIGHER score if "the phrase had been punctuated." WTF?! Now, I don't know if Buckroyd hit his head real hard that morning before he flew into work on his unicorn (after having breakfast with a couple of leprechauns and the Tooth Fairy), but this guy must be living in a fantasy land. Oh, wait! He clearly is! That's because he had graded a different student's exam in 2006 that used the same phrase! He gave that student credit as well because it was in response to the test question, "Describe the room you are sitting in." Wait. What?

First of all, what in the hell kind of a test do you get in high school where one of the questions is "Describe the room you are sitting in."? What class is that for, exactly? "Surrounding Awareness"? "Four Walled Interior Cubicle Description Composition"? Seriously.

I think I speak for most people who don't write "f*** off" on their exams and turn them in when I say, "What in the hell is going on over there in Great Britain anyway?" Well, according to the "mark scheme" which provides some sort of guidelines on how the AQA should be grading the tests, "If a candidate makes any sort of response to a question then it must be at least given consideration to be awarded a mark." And that's just fine IF after "consideration" you "consider" that the toolbox who wrote "f*** off" on his exam should get a freaking ZERO! So, I'd like to know if MORE "colorful" phrases had been written on the exam is the student would have received MORE credits?! More credits, of course, provided that they were all spelled correctly and were punctuated. I mean, if they weren't and the student STILL received credit for the exam, well, that would just be silly, wouldn't it? Of course.

I'm starting to get concerned about Europe. And not just because of some of the weird food they eat over there either. They seem to have this mentality that caters to the notion that everything a child does is worth some sort of positive reinforcement or positive acknowledgement. And while this sort of asinine behavior has been going on for quite some time, both in Europe and in the US, I had thought (hoped) that it would have been limited to things like sports and other activities that were NOT school. Sadly, it has infiltrated the learning system and I can only see a way too near future where a bunch of precious little snowflakes taking English exams and turning them in with a minimal of expletives (and a complete absence of ANY sort of correct answer) scrawled across the top will no longer be a novelty of which to mock.

Sphere: Related Content

Dogs, Vikings, The 70s, What Could Go Wrong?

More from the world of "How could anyone ever have thought that was a good idea?" When dogs and vikings just aren't enough, add some music and a guy named Thor. Wait. Strike that. First, take the Canadian "metal God" Thor. THEN add some dogs. THEN make sure that it's 1977 when you do all of this. And you know what you'll have when you're done? That's right. You'll have the music video, "Keep The Dogs Away", by the Canadian metal "God", Thor. (It hurts my eyes to watch it for very long.)

Sphere: Related Content

A Very Congress January

Dick Morris has a new book out. He certainly didn't want to leave anything out of the title, so he called it "Fleeced: How Washington Insiders, Foreign Lobbyists, Subprime Lenders, Credit Card Companies, Iraq Reconstruction Contractors, and Clinton Cronies Are Picking Our Pockets... and What to Do About It." Got all that? Good. Next!

There's a chapter in it that details what Congress did for an entire month. The month "documented" was January, 2008. Now, remember, this is Congress. They're "working" for YOU. Your tax dollars hard at work here. (Granted, your tax dollars do go for things that are more inane at times. Ridiculous scientific studies, narrowly focused research projects, etc. But while those things eat up your tax dollars by the millions per minute, those folks aren't necessarily working for "you" (definitely not as much as they are satisfying their own personal agendas most of the time).

• The session began January 3, 2008 at 12:00pm. The session adjourned at 12:02pm. Wait. What? (Not yet, not yet, NOT YET! I've just started.)
  

• After those strenuous 120 seconds, they took a week off.


• They came back on January 11, 2008 and passed a resolution mourning the death of President Ford. (We need a resolution for that? We can't mourn resolutionless? How come?)


• All of that mourning resolution passing must have been exhausting for them, so they took four days off and came back on the 15th of January.
  
  
• On January 15, 2008, the Quorum call was at 7:31am. At precisely 7:53am, a grueling 22 minutes later, they were done.
  
  
• On the 16th of January, woo-boy, they were on fire! First, they commended the University of Florida Gators for winning the Bowl Championships. (Yes, that's what I envision our Congressional Representatives doing with their time. Commending college football teams.) They observed Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday. AND they commended the Boise State University Broncos football team (See? Just like I had envisioned!).
  
  
• On the 17th, still in full honoring mode, they honored Muhammed Ali.


• On the18th, they congratulated the Grand Valley State University Lakers for winning the Division II football championship. (I see a trend.)
  
  
• After that, they were just beat (Hey! They just "worked" four whole days in a row and commended three separate college teams! Doesn't that sound just exhausting to you? It doesn't? Hmmm...something may be amiss throughout the halls of Congress.), so they took four days off.
  
  
• On the 22nd, returning all rested up and feeling just fresh as daisies, Congress used that new found energy to rename a post office in Roanoke, Virginia.


• On the 23rd, not content with all of these things that just last one day, they passed National Stalking Awareness Month for January. A whole month! (Isn't a month to be "aware" of "stalking" a little pointless? I mean, in order to KNOW that we're being "stalked" in the first place, we have to be "aware" of it, thus rendering the designation of an entire month for the awareness of all the stalking a bit unnecessary.)


• Well, you know they had to have been winded after that one. (I mean, they just got done passing that month long awareness thing. It sounds positively exhausting.) So they took five days off.
  
  
• Returning on the 28th, right on the heels of their post office renaming stint from the week before, they renamed another post office (hey, they felt like they were getting good at it!), this time on the opposite coast in the state of California. And they didn't feel the need to stop there. Renaming buildings? They're CONGRESS! So they renamed a Federal building in Washington state. Then they extended their well-practiced and often invoked commendations to commend the West Virginia University Mountaineer football team (no word on what the commendation was for, but I'm assuming they won something). They figured that since they're so good at commending things, perhaps they should branch out and perhaps try their hands at a little bit of honoring. So they honored the Texas Water Development Board (TWDB) and then renamed another post office, this time in the Rocky Mountain High state of Colorado.
  
  
• And that's January.

Wait for it.....now. Wait. What? WTF?

Let's see. We have them commending FOUR university football teams. We have them renaming THREE post offices. We have them honoring TWO individuals. We have a day of mourning, a nod to the TWDB, and a month of stalking awareness (Stalking awareness. Like celery? How much do I have to be aware of it? It's green. It's leafy. Is there more?). Say, how many days did YOU work during the month of January? If you were a Congressman or Congresswoman, you worked a total of NINE days. And one of those days lasted TWO minutes! It's taken me longer than TWO minutes to type this.

While I might not be fully aware of ALL of the duties and responsibilities that a Congressional Representative may have, I'm pretty sure that it involves more than a bunch of commending and honoring and renaming things. I'll tell you, I've watched a lot of Schoolhouse Rock in my time. I'm quite aware of how a bill becomes a law. I'm also aware of how the other branches of our government are supposed to work. I don't recall anything like this ever popping up on Schoolhouse Rock. There were NO college football teams commended EVER on Schoolhouse Rock. (Sure that Franklin guy ran the wrong way on the football field when the game was tied at seven all, but that was about interjections, not commendations, so it's really not the same.)

I had no idea it took an act of Congress to rename a post office. I'd really like to know if there has ever been an objection to a proposed renaming of a post office. What could they possibly object to? Not very mail-y? What? Why do they need to vote? Just do it already.

This is ridiculous. And here's the real kicker: Those in Congress are there because the people ASKED them to be (a la voting for them). Now it's time for the people to TELL them to leave (a la by not voting for them). Things are a mess and it doesn't look like they're going to change any time soon. Thus, I sadly don't have a lot of faith that the majority of voters will educate themselves on the current Congressional representatives and then vote for someone else. Why do I feel that way? Do you mean, why do I feel that way aside from Dick Morris's summary of how Congress spends their time and our money? I can sum up my hopeless disposition with three words.

Senator Robert Byrd.

Sphere: Related Content

Mrs. I'm A Dinner Jacket

By now, I'm sure that you're vaguely familiar with the narcissistic, probably crazy, assuredly unstable President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmedinejad (aka I'm A Dinner Jacket). And while we've heard plenty about him, we really don't know a lot about his family do we? Wait. What? He has a family? Apparently so.

Dinner Jacket has a daughter and two sons. His daughter, well, she's female! And while that might not sound a whole lot like "information", given how difficult it was for me to dig up anything on these people, it's definitely information. It's a little useless, but when you have nothing, you'll take just about anything and run with it. (Oh, you'll run like the wind in cases like this one!) His daughter is apparently an electrical engineer. She might have a name, she might not. I couldn't find one. So, electrical engineer it is! That's all I know.

Dinner Jacket's oldest son is Mahdi. He is a civil engineer. (Dinner Jacket is also a civil engineer, which I find ironic as he seems to be lacking a bit in the "civility" department.) Dinner Jacket's other son's name is Alireza. He is studying to be a mechanical engineer, thus completing the engineering trifecta of the Ahmedinejad tribe. He is also said to be an "Internet addict". Yeah, well, join the club.

That's all I've got. Oh, wait! The mother of those children! Right. I knew I was forgetting someone. Mrs. I'm A Dinner Jacket. Of course. Her name? Her name.......her name.....um, yeah, we don't know it. What about what she looks like? Looks.....looks.....um, yeah, we don't know what she looks like either. Wait. What?

Correct. The first name of Mrs. I'm A Dinner Jacket is unknown and we have no clue as to what she looks like. At first, I just figured that all of this was Dinner Jacket's weirdness shining through. I mean, being President of a country and having a wife whose name and general appearance are not known to the public? Well, that sort of a practice has Dinner Jacket's name written all over it. But it's not totally his doing.

Apparently, according to a Time Magazine article from Sept. 7, 2006, deeply "traditional Muslim men consider it more honorable to keep their wives out of the public sphere." And, at least since 1979, the leaders of Iran have adhered to that practice; kind of to the extreme if you're asking, oh, just about anyone. The article also said, "To this day, no one has any idea what Mrs. Ayatullah Khomeini looked like." I find that freaking amazing. How? How is that possible? How can you be the wife of a ruler/president/crazy leader of a country but yet no one knows what you look like? How is that possible?!

I'll show you how. I'd like to introduce you to Mrs. I'm A Dinner Jacket. Behold!


Are you freaking kidding me?! THAT is his wife? Are we sure? Is HE sure? How would he know?! How would anyone know? That is un-believable.

The photo was taken by one of the folks over at the German magazine "Bild". I don't know if the Dinner Jackets consented to this photo or if it was taken with a really long telephoto lens, but I am grateful for the photo, however it came to be obtained. (Interestingly enough, "Bild" means "picture" in German, thus making it an appropriate name for the magazine as it's basically a tabloid. And while this may be tabloid fodder in Germany, I just can't picture Dinner Jacket and his lovely tarp covered bride gracing the pages of the National Enquirer.)

Sphere: Related Content

Jackasshattery

If the following incident that I am about to describe (and mercilessly mock) involves your child, please, I'm begging, please do not bail your child out of jail. Please get your boy some professional psychiatric help immediately or relinquish all of your parental rights. One of the two. Both, if you'd like. But this is a problem.

The child I'm concerned about is a 14-year old boy who hails from North Falmouth, which is apparently in Maine. He was arrested after he decided that "it would be funny" if he pushed a 71-year old man off of a dock. Yes, off of a dock and into the ocean. Hmmm. Doesn't sound all that funny. Maybe there's more to this story. (Actually, there's not. In fact, sadly, there's probably less.)

So the 71-year old guy was fishing off the dock with his grandson. That picturesque scene was just enough to provoke the 14-year old jackass to run up behind him and shove him off the dock and into the water.. The guy ended up with cuts on his knees and he lost his prescription glasses. And although the article doesn't mention this, I'm going to assume that the 71-year old also ended up pretty pissed off.

The 14-year old asshat then fled "into the woods by the Talk of the Town Diner", according to the fine folks over there at Cape Cod Times. Well, the "Talk of the Town" wasn't named that for nothing, apparently. A bunch of people saw him flee and knew who he was, so they called police. And the police ended up arresting him. Oh, if only I could say that it ended here. Sadly, it does not.

See, because if it ended here, it would just be another blurb about an idiot 14-year old who did something stupid and we can all hope that he'll learn the stupidity of his ways. But since it doesn't end here, you can just go ahead and start assuming that it's highly likely that he will ever learn anything (as he doesn't seem to have learned much up until that point, I don't know why we'd assume that he'd start paying attention in the future.)



So they take jackass/asshat (You know, from now on, he's just going to be Jackasshat. Both terms of idiotic goodness rolled into one self explanatory moniker.) into custody and allow him to make his "one phone call". Now, I don't make it a habit of getting arrested for anything. But if I were to get arrested, I'm thinking that if I only get ONE phone call, I'd better make it a good one. And as much as I'd hate to do it, if I was 14, I'd probably call my parents to come and get my sorry ass so I didn't have to stay in jail. But that's just me. Clearly. Because Jackasshat (Yes, I like that. It stays. Jackasshat it is.) didn't call his parents. No, Jackasshat called a friend. To brag and laugh.

Brag and laugh? It would seem apparent that the purpose behind the "one phone call" was completely lost on Jackasshat. It's not a social call, you moron! And you most certainly do not want to be making a call to your loser friend to "brag and laugh" while you're standing in the freaking police station after being arrested for what you're "bragging and laughing" about, you JACKASSHAT MORON YOU!

Jackasshat is being held on $1,000 bail and, again according to the Cape Cod Times, was "transferred to a secure facility" and will be arraigned in Falmouth District Court. That may or may not be interesting. I guess I'll have to wait and see how it pans out, but one can only hope that "secure facility" means "small, locked closet underneath some stairs."

But aside from how it's may turn out, what the hell? What in the hell is up with your kid that is going around and shoving an old guy off of a fishing dock into the ocean because he thought it would be funny? And really what in the hell is up with your kid when he uses his one phone call (after being arrested) to call some loser friend of his to brag about his asshattery and laugh about it? Clearly, the boy doesn't exactly pick up on "social cues" all that well.

Again, if it's your child involved in this, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, go and find your child some psychiatric help NOW. Do it NOW before he thinks "it would be funny" to use an axe to slaughter your entire family as you sleep.

Sphere: Related Content