You Can't Outeat An Elephant

I said it was going to be a treat and it apparently was. As an added bonus out there at Coney Island before this year's Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, there was to be another contest. A contest that would pit man against beast in a competition that most of the world has thankfully never had to hear of nor experience.

And it's just as well at this point. That's because in what could one day be seen as the first definitive sign of devolution (aka, de-evolution. The de-evolving of a species. Yep, made that up.) and what will likely be seen as a huge step back for humans everywhere (but mostly in the US, as we seem to not only encourage, but willingly participate in this sort of event), three competitive eaters were out-eaten by a trio of Asian elephants.

Good Lord, when did it come to this? Actually, I don't know if I care so much because my hero, the God-like national treasure George Shea was on hand to witness and emcee the event. And just as I expected, he did not disappoint. When asked to comment on the debacle, he replied, “Am I embarrassed for my species? Of course I am. This is as dark a day for humanity as the evening of the Hindenberg crash. But this time, my heart is screaming, ‘Oh, the pachydermity! Oh, the pachydermity!" See?! How can you not LOVE that!

The three elephants were on loan the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. I guess they gave them the day off from standing on one leg on those little multi-colored stools. How humane of them. The trio of Bunny, 42, Susie, 46, and Minnie, 48, weighed approximately nine tons. That stacks up fairly evenly to the weight of their three competitors which is right around 500 pounds. Sure. Totally even.

The News & Record gives us the lowdown on the three humans that mankind had selected to represent our species were a one Eric "Badlands" Booker, Tim "Gravy" Brown and Juliet Lee. Booker looks like he could have out eaten the elephants by himself. Even if you didn't know what the guy looked like, just perusing his list of records for eating obscene amounts of various foods in ridiculously short periods of time would be enough to have you wondering if maybe someone should have brought in an extra elephant just to keep up with this guy. He holds the record for eating things like:

Corned beef hash (4 pounds of hash in 1 minute and 58 seconds)

Doughnuts (49 glazed donuts in 8 minutes)

Peas (9.5 1 lb. bowls in 12 minutes)

Tim "Gravy" Brown can say that his claim to fame is eating 8.47 pounds of blueberry pie in eight-minutes. Hands free. Ugh. I don't even want to know how that's possible. I don't. Don't try to tell me!

And little (and kinda hot)Juliet Lee has proven that Gravy Brown isn't the only one that can set an eating record in only eight minutes. She is the cranberry sauce eating champion of the world. You earn a title like that one if you can eat (brace yourself) 13.23 pounds of cranberry sauce in eight minutes. And if you're not careful, pulling stunts like that will also earn you the title of "mentally ill".

But back to George Shea and the battle over which species could eat more hot dog buns in only six minutes. (That's right. Just the buns. Doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun there. Then again, none of this competitive eating stuff looks like a whole lot of fun. It looks absolutely disgusting.) Our friends of at The Brooklyn Paper remind us to consider than an elephant can eat an entire loaf of bread in under TWO SECONDS. With something like that you really need to psych yourself up to believe that your species even has half a chance at winning this thing. Enter George Shea for some encouraging words before the battle began.


"The humans are hoping that their superior intellect comes into play. For instance they can dunk the rolls in water...The human gustatory gladiators have another advantage over the gentle vegetarian giants. Perhaps the elephants won’t understand the word ‘Go.’”

And at first, Shea's speculation seemed rather accurate as the elephants seemed to get off to a slow start. Can you blame them? They were probably wondering what in the hell the humans had gotten themselves into this time. All of the pondering! It slows one down! (I should know!) At the halfway mark of three minutes, Shea screamed out, "They are eating with leisurely elan! Clearly, they do not have the competitive spirit of their human betters!” Oh, they were just toying with us, George.

I'm sure you will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that in the end the elephants won. And not by a little bit, either.

Hot dog eating pachyderms: 505 hot dog buns

Devolving humans: 143 pathetic buns.


Fortunately, George Shea took the loss as only a humble organizer could and lamented, "As you know, I have had two dreams in life. One is to see two competitive eaters enter a convenience store and eat it to the ground, with one starting in the chips aisle and the other starting at the Slushies. That dream remains unfulfilled. But my other dream was to have a sanctioned eating competition between man and another species — and today that dream became a reality.”

But don't think that he's done with the elephants and all of the eating. I have the feeling that this match-up will happen again. I base that solely on Shea expressing that "“When most people see elephants, they see the majesty of nature. To me, I see an arrogant animal that needs to be taken down a notch.”

Just don't let the elephants distract you from the REAL hot dog eating contest on the 4th. Whatever you do George, and you do it SO well, don't get distracted. Now, bring on the hot dogs!

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The Unswerving Punctuality of Chance

We arrive at this moment by the unswerving punctuality of chance! Wait. What?

Ah, the words of George Shea on a hot July afternoon. What's that? You don't know who George Shea is?! Seriously? You, my good friends, all six of you reading this, you are missing out on one of the great joys of summertime if you have yet to experience Mr. George Shea.

George Shea is the announcer guy (yes, I believe that's his official title) for the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that is held at Coney Island every year on July 4. He is also the chairman of Major League Eating (I swear).

George Shea is an announcer like no other I have ever heard. The man is a national treasure. Where he comes up with the euphemisms that he throws together is beyond me. I'd like to think that he's just making them up on the spot, but you never know. Some of the stuff that he says is pretty bizarre and he just might have thought of it earlier and made a mental note of it so that he'd have it ready during his commentary of the Major League Eating sanctioned gluttony occurring right before his very eyes. But even if that's true, he had to think it up in the first place. And that is where the genius shines through.

Just in case you didn't catch the poetic shouting that George was spreading, allow me....

• This is a battle of the Ages!
• This is a battle of the Titans!
• That being that is half God and half man and it comes to earth only once!
• In only one location!
• For only one purpose!
• And that is here at Coney Island for this historic contest!
• Ladies and gentlemen...STEP! WITH! ME! NOW! Onto the world stage!
• Step with me onto the Mount Sinai of Mastication!
• The Madison Square Garden of Gurgitation !
• The Sanctum Sanctorum of Salivation !
• The Colesium of Competitive Eating !
• So it is and so it shall be!
• LET THE CONTEST BEGIN!

Poetry. Sheer poetry, I tell you.

If you've never watched the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on the 4th of July at Coney Island, you are missing out. It is 12 minute of sheer gluttony like no other that you (hopefully) will ever witness in your lifetime. I guarantee it. Disgusting doesn't even come close to describing how gross this event is. Impossible and phenomenal are two other words that come to mind, but they run a very, very distant 2nd and 3rd, with "disgusting" having a huge lead and holding firm as the number one way to describe this contest.

Now, although I said it was 12 minutes of sheer gluttony, that won't be the case this year. No, this year it will be only 10 minutes of sheer gluttony. That's because someone unearthed some handwritten notes from 1917 (the second year of the contest) which said that the bout lasted for 10 minutes.

Shea said it's about preserving history. "Does this impact the most hotly contested rivalry since Ali-Frazier?" Wait. What? "That’s not the issue!” Oh. But, I... “The issue is history, and the preponderance of the evidence now suggests that the contest was always 10 minutes." Sure, but...“It’s like the Constitution. Are you a strict constructionist or not?” Are YOU a strict constructionist, George? “I don’t know. What’s a strict constructionist — is that Scalia? I’m not sure. But on this, I am a strict constructionist.” Well, OK then. There you have it. 10 minutes it is!

And who can know for sure until after the contest is over whether or not the number of hot dogs that are able to be crammed down one's gullet will be comparable to last year's astounding record by Joey Chestnut with SIXTY SIX hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes! (I don't think I could eat 66 hot dogs in a WEEK, let alone 12 minutes. Gross.) Because it seems to me, just judging from past records, that the number of hot dogs that are able to be consumed by one individual in a very short period of time varies greatly and for no apparent reason. Seriously, look at the crappy image of the chart below. Basically, from 1990 until 2000, the winner was hovering in the range of between 19-ish and 25 hot dogs. And I don't know what the hell happened in 2001 when Takeru Kobayashi came along and ingested double the number eaten in the previous year's contest.

After the first time that the 50 dog mark was broken, no one ever looked back. No, instead they looked forward to the 60 dog mark and beyond. 66 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. It's something that I highly doubt we will ever see again. If the 60 dog mark gets broken this year, it will be accompanied by a lingering sense of "What if?" Because if someone can inhale over 60 dogs in a time frame that is 2 minutes LESS than last years, well, that could end up feeling like we all missed out on something that would have shown us just what the human body was actually capable of.

But regardless as to whether the contest is 10 minutes or 12. Regardless as to whether the winner will have been able to consume more or less hot dogs than the 66 that were consumed last year. Regardless as to whether or not Joey Chestnut will be able to successfully defend his title and bring the Yellow Mustard Belt back home again. Regardless of all of those things, we will still have George Shea and his oddly poetic, surprisingly Shakespearean-esque commentary. Yes, we will still have that. Thank God.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes said by George Shea at the 2007 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. The man is a wordsmith like no other.

• "This is a triumph of the human spirit! It is nothing less than a triumph of the human spirit! As I said." (Ramming hot dogs down your gullet at the speed of approximately one every 10.9 seconds is the "triumph of the human spirit"? God, I hope not.)


• "For Americans to see the belt go to Japan every year, it's kind of depressing, as well! It's like that song by David Bowie "Major Tom". You're enjoying it and suddenly you realize how sad it is. Major Tom's not coming back. He's out in that tin can! He says to his wife, "I love you very much." She knows! But it's very sad! Major Tom's not coming back! But the BELT may be coming back to Brooklyn!"


• "His ancestors started on the shores of time looking up the wide white highway of history at this the culmination of his DNA!" ("The culmination of his DNA?" WTF?)


• "One minute to go!! One minute!! A hero arises to lead a broken planet to victory and that hero is Joey Chestnut! He is standing up like William Wallace! Like Donovan McNabb! Like Joan of Arc before him and he is bringing it forth! He is eating with incredible speed!" (A Scottish knight and patriot, a female teenage leader of French Armies and the quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. Huh. Diverse.)

Good luck, Joey Chestnut.

And thank you, George Shea.

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