Words For A Cockroach

When a trial comes to a conclusion and the scumbag is found guilty, I am all for the victim's family getting to say something to said scumbag. I'm not overly fond of the scumbag getting to say something, but that's just because of the scumbag factor. I realize it's about fairness. I don't really think it's necessary, but I guess I get it. But really, if you kill someone, I don't give a fat rat's ass what you have to say.

I'm always amazed at the composure of the victim's families. Always. They always seem to have just poise when speaking to the loser who took away someone that they loved. I don't know that I'd be able to be that calm (and I pray to God that I never have to find out). Thus, I really like it when folks kind of let loose a little bit. Sort of like Chandra Levy's mother did when her daughter's killer was sentenced to 60 years in prison.

In case you may not care to remember, Chandra Levy was the intern who was clearly sleeping with California Congressman Gary Condit. And while that was clear, what wasn't clear was how she turned up dead in a park. Granted, a lot of people thought that it was clear and that Condit had killed her. Turns out, not so much. The really unfortunate part, other than the death itself, is that all of the 'not so much' kind of ruined his career. He always looked like a weasel to me. He might not have killed her, but we don't know that he hasn't killed anyone else, really. Do we? OK, we don't. But irresponsible and rampant speculation is really much more fun than the truth, don't you think?

Where was I? Oh, right! The victim's family. According to AOL News, a one Ingmar Guandique (who the author, a one David Lohr, refers to as a "Salvadoran immigrant", but who is really an "illegal Salvadoran immigrant". See how that's different? Yeah, it's very different. He should not have been in this country. There's a big difference between being a criminal and being an immigrant. Jackwagons. Way to go, AOL News...whatever that means.) was sentenced to 60 years in prison for Chandra Levy's death. And Chandra's mother had something to say to him about it. According to the article, "Before sentencing, Levy's mother, Susan Levy, asked Guandique if he had killed her daughter. When he shook his head, she said: "Mr. Guandique, you are lower than a cockroach. F--- you." Awesome.

I just don't get why there isn't more of that. Whatever the reason, there should be. There absolutely should be. I'm sorry for your loss, Mrs. Levy. Oh, and by the way? Nice job.

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W.W.L.L. Do?

Just in case you weren't totally convinced that Lindsay Lohan doesn't think that the rules apply to her, allow me to present you with exhibit number 1,348,729 (give or take a couple of exhibits). She's the kind of person that has her nails done and then decides that it's a good idea to have a little message painted on one of them. Now, I'm not saying that it's a direct message to the judge or to the court or to anyone for that matter, but it does give you some insight as to what kind of a lovely young lady this woman is. Moron. The picture is below. If, after clicking, it doesn't enlarge sufficiently, please do visit Huffington Post and see it for yourself in a larger than life format. It's a treat. And so is Lindsay Lohan. Aim high, sweetie!

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Joe Biden's Great Big Effing Deal

What is wrong with Joe Biden? Seriously. I'm not sure if this guy could find his ass using both hands and even if he did manage that feat, I'm not sure that he'd know the difference between it and a hole in the ground. I was expecting him to be a little more wackier and little less moronic. It's unfortunate. Not that I'm not thrilled to have something to mock, that's not it. I'm just disappointed at what I see as the squandering of perfectly good potential.

Let's go back a week or so to when VP Joe was hosting St. Patrick's Day at the White House and had over, among others, Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen. According to the New York Daily News,"Biden asked for God's blessing for the late mother" by giving the ol' sorry-she's-dead intro of "God rest her soul" and then doing a bit of a double take. "Wait a minute. You're mother. She's still....that's right. God bless her soul. I've gotta get this right." For cryin' out loud.

Why do people say that anyways? "God bless his/her soul". Since when are we the ones giving the orders as far as God goes? What if they were an absolutely horrible individual and everyone knows that they're burning in hell? Do you still say that? I guess they do because I've never heard anyone say, "Yeah, good luck with the whole eternal damnation thing" or anything to that effect.

Then there was the day before the "historic" health care reform vote. (If I hear it called "historic" in all seriousness one more time, I'm going to lose it. "Historic" doesn't necessarily mean "good". And I'm not comparing President Barry's administration to Hitler or anything, but Hitler did a lot of things that were "historic" as well. Hitler's just a easy go-to for situations like this.) On Monday, President Barry was giving some speech about the House of Representatives' final passage of health care legislation. For some reason, Biden was right there kind of at his side. But his purpose was unclear. He just stood about a foot away from President Barry and looked at him with this dorky grin on his face. Why was he there? It was like it was Take Your Vice President To Work Day. Very strange.

But the kicker was yesterday. Yesterday, that health care reform bill was signed by President Barry. I guess he felt like he needed to let ol' Joe say a few words before he signed it, so Biden got up there and said whatever it was that he said. Then, he turned the spotlight over to President Barry. In doing so, he shakes his hand and then leans in to him to say something. (When did that trend start? The whole "We're-in-front-of-a-gazillion-people-but-I-feel-the-need-to-say-something-to-you-that's-just-between-the-two-of-us" gesture? I'm not a fan of it. Y'all feel better now that you've got a little secret? Knock it off.) Only this time, the something was barely caught on tape. (Tape? I know there isn't really tape anymore, but what else am I supposed to call it? I can't call it "video". That's just the pictures. Tape. Caught on tape. Tape that isn't really there. Someone's going to have to work on that one.)

There are a lot of things that Joe Biden could have said to President Barry. Lots of them. I can think of many brief congratulatory phrases that he could have said during that "historic" moment. "Congratulations, Mr. President." "Nice job, sir." Lots of them. Lots and lots. But Biden decided to go off the cuff with this one. And what did he say, exactly? Why, he said, "You did it. This is a big f***ing deal." Wait. What now?

Yes! Yes, it is a "big f***ing deal", Mr. Vice President. It's not only a "big f***ing deal", it's a freaking huge, M-effer of a deal. Yes! I believe it's the largest piece of legislation since Social Security was introduced. And there was Joe Biden, smiling ear to ear like he had just gotten a little doggie treat. (I'm sure he could barely contain his little tail from wagging side to side.) And that's what he says. "By the way, Mr. President, I thought I'd just take this opportunity to let you know that this is a big f***ing deal. You also might care to know that I like pie." Seriously, what is wrong with him? Did he expect President Barry to stop dead in his tracks and say, "What's that, Joe? What's a big f***ing deal? This little thing?! Really? In what way?"

The tape (and audio...whatever that's called) is below. You're going to want to turn your speakers up because while he does say it, there's all of the mindless, congratulatory clapping that can drown out his F-bomb if you let it. And look, I don't expect much out of our Vice Presidents. (I do expect them to wear different ties of different days, however. Biden seemed to be fond of sporting the blue star spangled necktie for both the passage and the signing of the bill. Doesn't he have a wife to dress him?) Heck, I don't think that I expect anything out of our Vice Presidents. But I think I do expect them to not state the obvious laced with an expletive whilst passing legislation in front of the entire world. That I'd kind of appreciate. Other than making himself look like a doddering oldster whose brain has been riddled by latter stages of syphilis, it's not a big f***ing deal.

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Happy Effin New Year

Finally! Finally! The holidays are over! Technically I don't have to speak with or have a meal with another human being until the next major day of nationwide observance which, according to my calculations, might be Groundhog Day. I don't mind the holidays. The alligators in my moat which surrounds my walled off compound kind of freak out my relatives, but other than their needing sedatives rather often, I enjoy them. So many traditions that just keep happening year after year. I embrace consistency like that. I like to know what to expect. You know who else seems to embrace consistency and who else seems to like doing the same thing year after year? Kathy Griffin and her tradition of belting out some sort of expletive or sexually inappropriate reference while hosting some New Year's gala with, of all people, pretty, pretty Anderson Cooper.

Here's the deal: Last year, while hosting the New Year's festivities again with pretty, pretty Anderson Cooper, Kathy was being heckled by none other than, you guessed it, a heckler. And, well, let's just say that she had finally had it with said heckler and she let fly a rather pointed rebuttal when she yelled out to the dude, "Shut up!! Do you know what? Screw you! I'm working! Why don't you get a job, buddy!? I don't go to your job and knock the d**ks out of your mouth." Ah, yes. What a way to welcome in the new year!

But that was last year. I think. Wait. Yes. Yes, it was last year. I was a little confused because Kathy Griffin again hosted the New Year's Eve festivities and she again let her vocabulary fly a little bit off in a direction that I'm sure the FAA will be looking into. It won't be as intense as the scrutiny over Janet Jackson's Nipple-Gate at the Super Bowl that one year, but if she gets the same gig next year, they're really going to have to look into assigning a permanent agent to follow her around or something just to monitor her and her inevitable and predictably unpredictable outbursts. I'm just saying.

So this year, Anderson Cooper, being as how he's a fairly legitimate news reporter and all, decided it would be a good idea to engage Ms. Griffin in a little game of "Who Was Who in the News in 2009". You know, show her some pictures of folks who were prominently in the news (for better or for worse. I'm guessing mostly worse.)...see if she knew who they were. It seems harmless. And if he wasn't doing it with Kathy Griffin, it probably would have been harmless.

First up was a picture of reality show

hopeful asshats Richard and Mayumi Heene who had their kid hide in the attic or somewhere whilst they told the rest of the world that he was flying over a three state area in some sort of mylar balloon thing that the family constructed in the backyard during their spare time. (In spare time at my house growing up, we did yardwork, but whatever.) Ms. Griffin knew exactly who they were and said that she "admired their stick-to-it-tiveness". I hadn't heard it put quite that way before then. They did have stick-to-it-tiveness, didn't they? They would not let go of their lie for what seemed like weeks! OK, fine, kudos for that.

Then Kathy asked Anderson if he followed the story and he said that he did and that his

favorite part was when "Falcon said 'Who the hell is Wolf?' " It was at that moment that Kathy Griffin became a bit confused. It was like Anderson Cooper had suddenly started speaking Chinese or something because she started sputtering words out as if she was hoping to randomly hit upon what it was that he had just said. So she asks him, "Falcon?" And Anderson reiterates, "Falcon Heene." Do you see where this is going? Neither did I.

Even with Anderson's "Falcon Heene" clarification, that didn't seem to clear things up for Kathy Griffin. Nope, instead she continued to question him on what he had said. "Fal....F**kin'....Falcon? How do you say it?" Hoo boy. Nice.

I think that poor ol' closeted Anderson Cooper was having flashbacks of the year before and probably was praying that it wouldn't go any farther. Meanwhile, those of us watching this unfold were praying it would go farther. We wanted it to go really far. We wanted her to continue to act as if she had just been liberated from lifelong deafness and was hearing the spoken word for the very first time. That's what we wanted. Sadly, it didn't go that way.

Anderson acknowledged her "curiosity" by simply bowing his head (likely asking the gods for forgiveness and praying that he either keeps his job or finally loses the New Year's gig) and moving onto the next picture while muttering, "You're terrible...." Good cover, Anderson. I wonder if Kathy will come up with something that clever when she is inevitably asked about it?

Well, in a statement released by her publicist on Friday, she didn't just come up with something that clever; she came up with something more clever. According to the AP, she responded to this incident with the following: "Like every other serious reporter covering the now infamous balloon boy hoax, I struggled to pronounce his name 'Falcon' correctly and have gotten a kick out of how many ways I've heard it pronounced by other serious reporters. Just add me to that list and happy new year!"

It's hard to know where to start with that obviously sarcastic and non-serious statement. There's the hilarious reference to her being a "serious reporter". (Then again, there's the hilarious reference to everyone else who covered that ridiculous story as a "serious reporter" as well.) There's also the implication that she was "covering" the story. She was barely having a conversation, let alone covering anything. But my favorite was the assertion that the name/word/bird "Falcon" is difficult to pronounce. You know, more people had difficulty pronouncing the family's last name of "Heene"

than they did have trouble pronouncing "Falcon". Tell me, just how many ways are there that "Falcon" can be pronounced? Let's see...there's falcon. That's one. And then there's...oh, that's right. THAT'S IT! That's the only way! What else could there be? Fulcrum? You're going to tell me they named their poor child after a lever mechanism? Falco? How into the 80s would his parents have had to be to name him after the one-hit wonder Rock Me Amadeus guy? (Very. Very into the 80s and probably very stoned as well.) Falcon. There's one pronunciation and we all know it. Well, we all know it. Let's just hope that the guys at the FAA don't know it because if CNN gets fined and she gets booted from the New Year's Eve gig then the tradition will never have a chance to properly flourish! And after the year that we just had, we need as much possible flourishment in the upcoming year as we can possibly get. And if it has to be through the means of a raunchy, D-List comedienne dropping a f-bomb at some point during the last night of the year, then so be it.

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America's Funniest Governor

Arnold Schwarzenegger seems to enjoy being Governor of California, but mainly because it gives him a platform from which to tell jokes. Look, he had all of these lofty ideas when he took office, but wasn't able to accomplish the majority of them. While I'm sure that was frustrating for him, I'm afraid that it was frustrating for the wrong reasons. I fear that the main problem he had with not being able to achieve what he wanted to wasn't so much the lack of achievement as much as it was the decline in his popularity.

If there is one thing that the Governator likes, it is to be liked. And the only thing that he likes more than that is to get a laugh out of folks. Whether it be a calculated joke, an off the wall comment or even a prank, Arnold likes to make people yuk it up.

The Governator is aware that there is only so much that he can do. He is also aware that the Legislature for the state of California is absolutely pathetic. According to the latest Field Poll, the California Legislature had a 13% approval rating. 13%. My question to that thirteen percent is: What are your standards, exactly? How can you approve of anything those ass clowns are doing up there in Sacramento? Are you staffers of the Legislature? Blood relatives? How can you approve of their job performance?

Seriously? Maybe they don't know about some of the abhorrent behavior exhibited by some of these elected morons. Let's take a one Tom Ammiano who, at the San Francisco Democratic County Central Committee Gala, began shouting "No, no, no, no!!!!! You lie!!!" and "Kiss my gay ass!!!!" among other colorful phrases when the Governator got up to speak. That according to a one Beth Spotswood over yonder at SF Appeal. (Beth's piece, by the way, is awesome. Hilarious, yet surprisingly informative. I would highly recommend giving it a read.) Seriously, dude? "Kiss my gay ass"? You're comfortable, not only shouting that (in San Francisco, none the less. Talk about livin' on the wild side.), but shouting it at the Governor? Apparently, general respect for each other as human beings has completely bypassed Mr. Ammiano (and his gay ass).

Back to our funny, funny Governor. When the Governator vetoes a bill, he tends to include a little explanation as to why he did so. Arnold is so fed up with the Legislature at this point, it's a wonder he hasn't just sent every veto back with a bullet hole right through the middle of the failed legislation. But see, a bullet hole just wouldn't be funny. Well, not funny enough for Arnold. And it's too blatant. Subtle humor is some of the funniest humor.

When vetoing AB1176 which was sponsored by the aforementioned, looking-for-a-date-for-his-ass Mr. Ammiano, The Governator sent along this veto.

Seems innocuous enough, doesn't it? Not so fast. It seems as though Arnold, in a way that can only be described as sophomoric, yet brilliant (not to mention overdue and oh-so deserved), managed to include another little message which one could assume was directed toward Mr. Ammiano. That sentiment? Behold!

According to The Huffington Post, when this was brought to the attention of Schwarzenegger spokesman Aaron McLear his response was, "My goodness. What a coincidence." What a coincidence indeed! And what a most excellent response. "I suppose when you do so many vetoes, something like this is bound to happen." (Translation: "I suppose when you tell the Governor to kiss your gay ass, having him tell you to eff off is bound to happen. You're lucky you didn't get punched inside out, sir.")

Stay in school, kids! You can't have this kind of fun without a vast and solid vocabulary to work with!

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The 2 or More Point Expletive

Quiz time! (Please do not answer this question in the fashion exhibited by the subject of this post. I will have a much different reaction than some.)

Suppose you are a senior examiner for the Assessment and Qualifications Alliance (the ol' AQA) over there in Great Britain. Your job is to grade the exams that are taken by British high school students. One of the exams that you are given to grade is blank except for the words "f*** off" written on it. Do you:

• A) Fail the student


• B) Fail the student
  
  
• C) Fail the student
  
  
• D) Give the student credit because the phrase expressed meaning and was spelled correctly.
  

If you answered "D", you are, unfortunately, correct! Wait. What?

From our good friends across the pond there at The Times UK, senior examiner Peter Buckroyd gave the student 2 out of 27 points possible for the English paper that he turned in with only the two word expletive phrase written across the top. Yes, apparently you can earn some points (not ZERO points) by only writing "f*** off" on your exam. WTF? why is that?

Well, Buckroyd (who I am oh-so tempted to just call Asshat from here on out, but I'll refrain. For now.) is quoted as explaining his reasoning behind giving the student points (and thereby giving the student credits) as, "It would be wicked to give it zero because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for, like conveying some meaning and some spelling." Oh, my God, WHAT?!!? Expressed meaning? And while that may be true, from what I can tell the only "meaning" that was "expressed" is that the student is an IDIOT! (Granted, the moron grading the exam is a bigger idiot, but it was the expletive on the exam that expressed the meaning, which is why I couldn't attribute the moronic character to Mr. Buckroyd at that moment. But I can now. He's a bigger idiot.) And, seriously, "spelled correctly"? ONE of the words was "OFF" for cryin' out loud! This was a high school student! And really, truth be known, expletives? Not all that hard to spell! Even easier to say! Even the expletives that are compound words are composed of two basically easy to spell words! That's probably why you never hear "f***" as one of the words at the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Words like "f***"? Highly inappropriate. And too damn easy to spell!

Buckroyd also said, "It's better than someone that doesn't write anything at all." Is IT? Is it, SIR? Is "f*** off" BETTER than NOTHING?! I don't know about anyone else, but I'm thinking I'd rather have NOTHING than "f*** off". (Actually, in this case, I'd rather have the kid just TAKE THE DAMN TEST!)

You know what though? Turns out that it could have been worse. How? Buckroyd said the student would have received a HIGHER score if "the phrase had been punctuated." WTF?! Now, I don't know if Buckroyd hit his head real hard that morning before he flew into work on his unicorn (after having breakfast with a couple of leprechauns and the Tooth Fairy), but this guy must be living in a fantasy land. Oh, wait! He clearly is! That's because he had graded a different student's exam in 2006 that used the same phrase! He gave that student credit as well because it was in response to the test question, "Describe the room you are sitting in." Wait. What?

First of all, what in the hell kind of a test do you get in high school where one of the questions is "Describe the room you are sitting in."? What class is that for, exactly? "Surrounding Awareness"? "Four Walled Interior Cubicle Description Composition"? Seriously.

I think I speak for most people who don't write "f*** off" on their exams and turn them in when I say, "What in the hell is going on over there in Great Britain anyway?" Well, according to the "mark scheme" which provides some sort of guidelines on how the AQA should be grading the tests, "If a candidate makes any sort of response to a question then it must be at least given consideration to be awarded a mark." And that's just fine IF after "consideration" you "consider" that the toolbox who wrote "f*** off" on his exam should get a freaking ZERO! So, I'd like to know if MORE "colorful" phrases had been written on the exam is the student would have received MORE credits?! More credits, of course, provided that they were all spelled correctly and were punctuated. I mean, if they weren't and the student STILL received credit for the exam, well, that would just be silly, wouldn't it? Of course.

I'm starting to get concerned about Europe. And not just because of some of the weird food they eat over there either. They seem to have this mentality that caters to the notion that everything a child does is worth some sort of positive reinforcement or positive acknowledgement. And while this sort of asinine behavior has been going on for quite some time, both in Europe and in the US, I had thought (hoped) that it would have been limited to things like sports and other activities that were NOT school. Sadly, it has infiltrated the learning system and I can only see a way too near future where a bunch of precious little snowflakes taking English exams and turning them in with a minimal of expletives (and a complete absence of ANY sort of correct answer) scrawled across the top will no longer be a novelty of which to mock.

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