It Has Nothing To Do With Fate

Well.  I came across some disturbing poll results today.  The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy did a little polling and if their results are even a little bit indicative of what is going on out there, they really have their work cut out for them.  Before I get to the part that will have you wanting to jump out of a high window, I want to mention that while this organization may sound like they're all about the teenagers, it doesn't seem like that's all too accurate.  The people that they polled were grown-ass adults, ranging in age from 18-29.  And actually, that makes the results even more frightening. 

Participants in this survey were asked if they agreed with this statement:  “It doesn’t matter whether you use contraception or not; when it is your time to get pregnant, it will happen."  I would like to take this opportunity to point out that these questions were asked recently and this isn't archival data from the 1700s.  This was done in 2011 and again, with grown-ass adults.  That's why it scares the bejeezus out of me that four in ten actually agreed with that statement.  Wait.  Wait.  WAIT! 

Were these people not privy to the ol' very basic sex education classes that I sat through in high school?  Just the beginning part of that question "It doesn't matter whether you use contraception or not" makes me cringe.  Of course it matters!  That's why it exists!  It's contraception!  It's purpose it to be used and then to subsequently prevent pregnancy after you have all the sex!  But four out of ten morons believe that it's just fate?!  Doesn't matter what you do.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen?!  Uhhh, I honestly don't know what to say about that.  Forty percent is a little too close to half for my liking.  Fate.  OK, then.  Moving on...

Here's another one:  "Thinking about your life right now, how important is it to you to avoid getting pregnant/getting someone pregnant?"  This was asked of unmarried young adults aged 18-29.  Again, grown-ass people.  72% said that it was very important.  That's good.  You know what's not good?  The other people who answered.  Only 12% said that it was "somewhat important".  How is that even a choice when you're talking about getting pregnant or not?  16% had some sort of a variation of it not being important to them.  The parameters of the survey do not outline whether or not it was a requirement that participants in the survey be sexually active, but I can't imagine why they would want people who are not having sex to be a part of this survey.  If you're not having sex, the problem of unplanned and unwanted pregnancy has nothing to do with you.  So if I am to assume that those 16% that don't give a crap are currently sexually active, then I'm a little more than just concerned that they don't give a crap.  Those are the kind of people that I want studied at great lengths. 

Explain this to me:   "Fully 94% of unmarried young adults 18-29 say they have all the information they need to avoid having or causing an unplanned pregnancy."  BUT "11% say they know “little or nothing” about condoms, 42% say they know “little or nothing” about birth control pills, and 73% say they know “little or nothing” about IUDs."  HOW are you between the ages of 18 and 29 and know "little or nothing" about condoms?!  I can kind of understand the IUD thing, but only because it's not talked about or mentioned as much as the other two.  But condoms?  What sort of grown-ass adult knows nothing about a condom?!  I wish that they broke that answer down by age.  Then again, maybe I don't.  If I found out that it was mostly 29-year olds that answered the question that way, I'd have to start walling off my walled off compound again.  I cannot be part of a society where people who are almost thirty know nothing about condoms.  I just can't! 

Then there's this:  19% of the people surveyed answered 'Yes' to this:  “There is so much negative stuff said about birth control that it makes me feel I’m better off/my partner is better off just not using it.”  Negative stuff?  More negative than having a child that you're not ready for (and apparently have no idea how it came to be either)?!  What exactly are they referring to that is so "negative"?  Because the way I look at it, it's all of the getting pregnant that's the negative part of having sex.  Regardless, even if there are "negative" things about birth control, it's disturbing to me that one in five of these softheads thinks that no birth control is the way to go instead.  Twenty percent.  That's about twenty percent too high for me.  What is wrong with you people?! 

So you have all of that stuff going on, but then you have questions like "I have all the information I need to avoid having/causing an unplanned pregnancy."  Somehow, 94% of these folks answered 'Yes' to that question.  But these are the same people who forty percent of them think that it's just fate if you get pregnant regardless of your contraceptive usage!  Clearly, they do NOT have all the information that they need.  No, the information that they have is a bit outdated.  Medieval even.  Perhaps someone should inform them that science has made great strides since the days of leaving everything up to fate. 

This is all not good.  It's all very bad, actually.  The fate question really threw me for a loop.  If you'd like to see this data so that you can cry over it yourself, it's available here.

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This Spelling Stinks

I am a stickler for spelling, grammar and punctuation. I hate "text speak" because it makes you look like an idiot. Whose idea was it to start substituting the number 3 for the letter E? They're not the same. And they never will be. Same goes for substituting "dis" for "this" or "dat" for "that". Leaving off the E on the end of words? Just stupid. Putting a Y in place of an I? Equally as stupid. You look like a moron when you type things like "Lyke dis if u cry evertim". And when you do, you sound like this. (You're gonna need to click that to get the point here.) But the real problem arises when you mean to say one word, but you're too clueless to spell the word correctly. And in committing to said incorrect spelling, you completely change the meaning of what you were trying to say. And the difference can be huge. Need an example? Behold!

No one wants to smell like colon, you dumbasses. Cologne maybe. Colon? Highly unlikely. Then again, the whole text speak is something stupid that's popular that I don't understand. Maybe smelling like colon is another one of those popular things. But sweet Jesus, I certainly hope not.

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The Force Doesn't Dance

I have a little blasphemy for you today. See, apparently, a new Star Wars video game came out for the XBox360 Kinect. Kinect is the thing where you don't have to use a controller and can essentially just flail about to get your character to move and do things. Well, in this game, I guess you're Han Solo. And the things that it has you do are not anything that Han Solo would ever do! That's right. He dances.

I...I...I really don't know what to say. And while it's funny, it just makes me too darn sad to actually laugh. (Also, it kind of has a tune that is similar to Jimmy Kimmel's spoof "I'm F***ing Ben Affleck" in parts. A little tidbit that you might notice makes it even sadder AND even funnier, especially when the words "GREAT" or "AWESOME" come pulsating out of Han's crotch.) Here you go. Don't say I didn't warn you. As always, if it doesn't load, click here.

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Bye, Steve

Steve Jobs died yesterday. I didn't know it was possible to be this profoundly sad about the death of someone that I've never met. However, it apparently is. I'm really sad. Sad that he wasn't around longer, but grateful that he was around at all. Thanks for everything, Steve.

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Say What?

Well. Yesterday, at the trial of Michael Jackson's doctor, a one Conrad Murray, the prosecution played some audio tapes of Jacko when he was kind of...well...out of it. It was probably due to his being under the influence of a particular sedative used for things like, say, when people are having brain surgery. (It could also be used to sedate any number of uptight rhinocerii. The point here is that it's strong.) Seriously, it's pretty sad. You can barely understand the guy. It's not so much like you're hearing him from beyond the grave as much as it is that you're hearing him from in the grave. It sure sounds muffled. And while I'm not here (just yet) to pass judgment on the guy, I am going to say that if you know anyone who is in the condition that Michael Jackson was in, you should probably do a little bit more for that person than to tape their barely coherent little screeds. See for yourself. There's some of the audio (and don't worry about understanding it because it's transcribed) below. And if it doesn't load, click here.

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He Changed My Life

(Warning: Depressing post.) Last night, Steve Jobs announced that he was stepping down as CEO of Apple. All I kept reading was how this would effect Apple. Let me tell you something. I am not worried even in the slightest about Apple. I am, however, extremely worried about Steve Jobs.

I don't know the man. I've never met him. (I did see him a couple of times walking to his car at what my uncle calls "The World Wide Headquarters of Apple in Cupertino". My uncle lives less than half a mile from that building and I don't think that he's ever seen him, so I consider myself lucky. It's like I saw Bigfoot or a really lost Yeti or something.) But I hold him responsible for my love of all that is the computer. And I love computers so much.



My dad brought home an Apple II when I was in 7th grade. He bought it used after seeing an ad in the newspaper classifieds. (For my younger readers, a newspaper used to be delivered daily to one's home and it contained pages and pages of summations of current events.) It came with a ton of games and programs on 5-1/4" floppies (and TWO 5-1/4" external floppy drives so that you could back-up all of your bad ass software). I explored every single one of those disks. I never looked back.



And I'm not an Apple fan girl. I've been using PCs for at least 20 years. But, the first three or four computers that I ever had were Apple. And the first computer I ever bought with my own money was an Apple. (An Apple IIGS to be specific. The GS stood for "graphics and sound". It was beautiful.) The point here is that this isn't about Apple computers and now Apple products for me. It's about a guy who not only changed the entire world, but who also changed my world. And changed it for the absolute better.

When I realized what an iPod could do, I knew that my life was going to be better. And as a complete nerd, I will disclaim that I have but one song on my 32gb iPod Touch. (It's Eric Johnson's Cliffs of Dover if you must know.) The rest? Podcasts and apps. And I never go anywhere without it. It makes me happy. SO freaking happy. I could probably go on and on, but I think that you get the point.


When Steve Jobs took his leave of absence back in January, he wrote in his announcement "I love Apple so much and hope to be back as soon as I can." He's not coming back. And when someone has had pancreatic cancer and a liver transplant, that doesn't sound like a good thing. So while I know that Apple will be OK, I don't know that Steve Jobs will. And it makes me sad. I even cried a little when I heard that he was stepping down. He's only 56. The world should have many more years with Steve Jobs in it, but I don't think that's going to be the case. I could be wrong and I hope I am, but I just don't think that this is shaping up to be all that rosy.



I wish the man all the best. I think that he changed the world for the better. I know that he changed my life for the better. I feel very lucky to have been able to watch him develop and grow throughout his entire career. And even if he has to leave us now, his influence on computing and accessories and business will live on forever. Good luck, sir. And thank you for everything.

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I Miss You, Dad

(This post isn't necessarily being written because I think that it's actually going to get read by the subject of said post. I realize that's not likely to be the case. But it's being written anyway because, well, what else am I going to do? )

Hey, Dad.

Today makes six years. How'd that happen?! Sometimes it seems like it went by really fast and other times it seems like it's taken ten times as long. Neither one is better than the other, but even if one was, I'd still miss you.

I don't think I need to bore you with details as to what's been goin' on lately. I'm sure you're well aware. Mom's good. She just got back from vacation. Everyone else is doing pretty good too. Probably like I usually do, I'll have our dinner at some point. Not like it's a fair trade or anything, but I do enjoy that part! I'd still rather have you around than the dinner.

You know, right after everything happened, someone told me that one day I would stop crying, but that nothing would ever be the same again. Man, they were right. It just hasn't been the same without you around. (And most of the time I don't cry.)

Thanks for being my Dad. You did a really good job. I sure do miss you. I wish you could come back. See you later. ~ Me

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Made Up Memorial Memories

At the time of Michael Jackson's unexpected demise, it was rumored that, despite his physical outwardly appearance, that he was in fact, still (mostly) a real person. And while technically true, there wasn't a whole lot of his face left that could have been considered "real" or "authentic". (The man had his nose practically shaved down to a point. There's not much that's "real" about that, other than the "real" bad choice that was made to continue with the plastic surgery after ONE.) And if a memorial service is supposed to evoke memories and reflect the life of the newly non-living, then Michael Jackson's memorial service did just that because it certainly wasn't very "real".

Like most memorial services, a bunch of people spoke. Unlike most memorial services, you actually knew who almost all of the speakers were. Rare was the occasion where you had to text your friend and ask who someone was. (And it was a good thing that it was infrequent because the friend usually answered me with a "dummy" at the end of the answer. We're very close.) But the thing about the speakers was that a lot of them didn't have any sort of "real" or currently "real" relationship with Michael. We started things off with Smokey Robinson reading letters of condolence from Diana Ross and Nelson Mandela.

In Nelson Mandela's letter, he wrote "...Michael became close to us after he started visiting and performing in South Africa regularly. We grew fond of him and he became a close member of our family." From what I can tell, Mandela met Michael Jackson maybe three times, the last time being 1999. As far as performing there, he did five concerts in 1979 and eight concerts in South Africa in 1997. I'm not saying that Michael Jackson didn't do great things to help the people in Africa, but I don't know if you can call two concert tour stops over the past 30 years as "performing regularly".

Mariah Carey who, even at a memorial service for the deceased, cannot seem to wear any article of clothing which does not highlight and damn near expose her ample bosom, performed "I'll be There". She seemed to have a little bit of difficulty at parts of the song due to her seeming a bit emotional. But according to US Magazine, "...she worked with Jackson on his 2001 charity single, "What More Can I Give" she wasn't close with the singer." Now, you don't have to be "close" to someone to sing at their memorial service, but you'd kind of think that, in the case of Jacko, that you'd want to have those who were close to him there.

I started to realize that there are plenty of folks out there who say that Michael Jackson influenced their method of performing and it is those same folks who wanted nothing to do with him when he was alive. But as soon as he was dead, there they were all teary eyed and weepy talking about his "influence". Nice.

Then there was Dana Owens, aka Queen Latifah. She was supposed to be "representing the fans who grew up loving Michael from a distance" according to the InMusic.com blog. And she really meant it, too, because she had NEVER met Michael Jackson. (This is pure speculation on my part, but I wonder if they picked "Queen Latifah" because the "King of Pop" needed a "Queen". Sadly, it's the only thing I can come up with that would be "logical" for this scenario.)

Congresswoman Sheila Jackson-Lee, who had also never met Michael as far as I could tell, used the memorial service as a highly inappropriate venue for her political aspirations in trying to get a House Resolution 600 passed to honor Michael Jackson. I'm thinking she let the "Jackson" part of her name drive her just a bit too close to the edge of reality there. There are two things that need to stay the hell away from memorial services. Politics is one of those. Al Sharpton is the other.

I loathe that man. He just has honed his speaking skills though. That man can come across as smooth, but not smooth as silk. (It's another four letter word that starts with S though.) He made a direct statement to Jackson's children when he said, "Weren't nothing strange about your Daddy. It was strange what he had to deal with." And I agree with fifty percent of that statement. It WAS strange what he had to deal with. That first part? About nothing being strange about him? Yeah, I'm going to have to disagree with you on that. He was the freaking Mayor of Strangeland.

Speaking of Mayer, John was there. Again, never met Michael, but he could play a mean guitar, so that was good enough I suppose. Fortunately, we didn't have to hear a word out of him, just a little instrumental number of "Human Nature" and then the be-vested John Mayer disappeared temporarily (unfortunately).

Brooke Shields came out and gave a very real and I thought very touching talk. She was back to looking fairly hot again as well. For a while there, she was sporting that Plastic Surgery Gone Wild look. I don't know if her new face had finally settled down on her old skull or if she had a little touch up work done, but she looked good. She talked about her relationship with Michael and what good friends they had been. And while I totally believed everything she said and I could tell that she was very upset over his passing, she hadn't seen him or spoken to him in the past 18 years. It struck me as quite sad because, the way that she described it, they had a connection that could only be understood by people in their position. People who had been in the public eye their entire life and had no idea what it was like to be just a face in a crowd. I don't know why the no contact for all of that time, but I'd guess that his behaviors became more and more "odd" or eccentric and she felt she had to distance herself from him. I'm merely speculating there. And while I wouldn't disagree with that standpoint, I find it sad because her stories that she told made it seem like they had a blast together. (No mention of the chimp, Bubbles, which I found disappointing.)

Stevie wonder performs "Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer". He also says "This is a moment that I wish that I didn't live to see come." And, in a way, if you think about it, he didn't. Oh, the irony.

Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant the Rapist came out. I don't remember what Kobe the rapist said and I don't give a crap what Kobe the Rapist said. Why in the hell was he there? Was R Kelly not available? Then, in a moment of just how far some people will sink in times like these, Magic Johnson said that Michael Jackson (wait for it) made him a better point guard. ::: blink ::: ::: blink ::: What now?

Magic also said that "...the greatest moment of his life" was (wait one more time) watching Michael Jackson eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. That's it! STOP!!

The GREATEST moment of your LIFE?? Michael Jackson with a bucket o'bird? THAT was the GREATEST MOMENT? None of those NBA championships? Not learning that you're going to be able to live a full and productive life with HIV? Both of those and many other moments in your life have all been usurped by Jacko and the Kentucky Colonel? Are you freaking kidding me? You're standing right next to a rapist as you spout that crap about some guy who is lying dead in a box in front of you. You're not exactly bursting with integrity there, Magic.

Jennifer Hudson did a hell of a job when she sang "Will You Be There", an unanswerable question before that day because she and Michael did not have any sort of personal or professional relationship either. She's just a chick that was brought in to sing. The most hilarious part about the Jennifer Hudson appearance is that afterwards there was all of the chatter online and in reports as to whether or not she's pregnant. She has declined to address those "rumors". And that's funny how? Here's Jennifer Hudson. Behold!

If you have to ask if Jennifer Hudson is pregnant and you have to keep asking because she is declining to comment, you're a idiot.

No Macaulay Culkin. No Lisa Marie Presley. (OK, that one didn't shock me.) No Debbie Rowe, breeding sow mother of his children. No Elizabeth Taylor. No Diana Ross. No Quincy Jones. No Emmanuel Lewis. (Hey! I'm not saying that any of these are a great loss, I'm just saying they weren't there is all!) Instead who did we end up with? Corey Feldman, who felt the need to pay his respects by dressing like Michael Jackson AT the memorial service. Behold!

Good Lord. A friend mentioned to me the other day that out of all of the funerals that he'd been to in his life, there wasn't a one where people who were in attendance dressed up like the dead guy. I never have had that experience either! You know why? Because it would be weird! Think about it. You go to Grandma's funeral and everyone there is dressed like GRANDMA! Yeah, that's wrong. Just wrong. (And Corey Feldman in a fedora at any point and time is ALWAYS wrong. Period.)

So there was just a whole lot of nothing going on at that memorial. A bunch of people that the public was aware of, but the public might have been more aware of some of these people that Michael Jackson was. Brooke Shields, who hadn't seen the guy in 18 years, was probably the one who was the closest non-relative to him who was there and who spoke. 18 years and she still gets that designation. That's a sad statement of affairs, I'll tell you what.

And although it was nice of all of the speakers to attend and either speak or perform, it probably would have been a lot nicer for Michael if you had all showed up for him when he was alive. Sure, he was an odd duck to say that least, but to show up at the memorial and act as if he had some place in your life and/or in your existence or career is just pathetic. If he meant so damn much to you people, perhaps you should have let him know somehow.

There will likely be a lull in the Death of Jacko news until the toxicology reports come back sometime within the next few weeks. At that point, according to Liza Minnelli (who would know a thing or two about substance abuse), "All hell will break loose." Sounds good. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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All Michael, All The Time

I suppose that if I don't do a Michael Jackson post that there's something wrong with me. Well, something else wrong with me. But strange ranger Michael Jackson died today at the age of lonely, sad and really odd. Soooooo....no shows in London I guess, eh? Yeah, probably not. Gotta tell you, I feel a little cheated by that. (Then again, if anyone should be 'feeling cheated' upon hearing this news, I'm thinking that's going to land with Farrah Fawcett. What are the odds?! Talk about someone stealing your thunder. Geez.) But I was so looking forward to what was guaranteed to be quite a spectacle in addition to being extremely entertaining! The elephants, the parrots, the choir of children from several equally represented races, and the snare drums players. My God, the snare drums! Naturally, the news that Jacko that died was sad, but that the great comeback concert will never materialize is quite depressing and leaves a feel of unfinished business in the air.

The cable channels, news and otherwise, are really going to go wall to wall with coverage for God only knows how long. And I'm sure that they will, no doubt, out-do themselves and make it abundantly clear how much they just suck at what they do. CNN had a graphic banner at the bottom of the screen that read "Breaking News: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett Dead." It reads as if they happened together (in what really would have been such a strange situation I can't even imagine a set of circumstances that would have allowed it to occur), as if random celebrities are just dropping dead and those two were the latest.

Say, when was it, exactly, that any comment from any individual is relevant when discussing an event of this magnitude? Seriously. I don't care what some 20-year old chick outside of the Apollo Theater has to say about her memories of Michael Jackson that date back, at the latest, to 1989! If you're CNN and you're going to be interviewing someone or asking for their reaction, could you please make it relevant so that I don't want to shoot myself before the moron on the street is done talking?

The simple fact is that CNN should not be allowed to call themselves CNN anymore without some sort of a disclaimer that precedes those call letters. Perhaps James Earl Jones could do the voice again and say something like "This is the Crap Now Network - CNN". CNN actually went with this lead in: "We go to Richard Roth, our UN correspondent, he is live outside the Apollo Theater." What the hell?! First of all, I think you just need to drop the whole "UN correspondent" title when you've just been sent on assignment to shove a microphone in people's faces to ask how they feel about Michael Jackson dying. Especially if you're not even at the UN!! But then it got worse! The guy starts off by saying he was outside of the Apollo Theater in Harlem where Michael Jackson had performed before and that he "...was here in 2002 for a Democratic Party fundraiser and walked the streets of Harlem." Oh, for cryin' out loud! "Walked the streets of Harlem?!" Was he Mother Teresa then? Geez. There is NO shame over there at CNN. (Don't believe me? Mr. Roth there interviewed a woman who felt a "personal connection" to Jacko because her "grandmother's cousin's nephew was a bodyguard for Jackson." Aaaannnnddddd...scene!)

Larry King also had Kenny Rogers on the phone and King took the opportunity to ask some of the most asinine questions I think I've ever heard someone as seasoned as Larry King ask.

"You're a country artist. How did you view him artistically?"

"His talent, how would you describe it? Was he a great singer?" ::: blink ::: ::: blink ::: Did Larry King have a stroke just then? Was he a great singer?! Sir, we're talking about Michael Jackson! YES, he was a great singer!

The best part of the Larry King coverage? Learning that Kenny Rogers used to play tennis with Farrah Fawcett. Again, one of those situations where I just can't imagine the circumstances that allow it to occur, but apparently it did somehow. Interesting. Trivial, but interesting.

Now don't get me wrong here, because it's not like I don't want to hear people share their memories of Michael Jackson. That would be fascinating....as long as they have some memories of Michael Jackson that are fascinating. I want personal accounts. I want stories and memories of people that knew him. I can do without every single person saying that they 'grew up on his music' or 'loved his music' or any kind of crap like that. Cher told Larry King a great story about how Jacko loved the beaded socks that she was wearing one night. (All right, it loses a bit in my translation, but it was really nice!) That being said, I can do without the ridiculous celebrity Twitters that the online media is subjecting unsuspecting readers (such as myself) to.

Do I care what Ashton Kutcher has to say about the passing of Michael Jackson? I don't! But for some reason, plenty of media outlets think that I do! They think there is some significance that Ashton Kutcher Twittered: "I plea to the public to refuse to consume media that does not respect the anonymity of Michael's children." Why does that man think that everyone is interested in what he has to say and that he has some sort of magical sway over the masses? I don't get it. But it has to be the same reasoning that caused those same outlets to give me Jane Fonda's Twitter take on it: "I am stunned. My friend, Michael Jackson is dead. He lived with me for a week on "Golden Pond" set after "Thriller"." What?

I know you want more! More celebrity Twitters from celebrities that you don't give a fat rat's ass about what their opinion on Michael Jackson's death (just to name one thing that your don't want their opinion on)! I've got 'em! I do! Behold!

Alyssa Milano: Remember the first time you saw him moonwalk? RIP Michael Jackson. (Oh, good! I was dying to know what one of the cast of 'Who's the Boss' thought about Michael Jackson's death. Thank God for the media! We're saved!)

Kim Kardashian: Music will never be the same

Al Yankovic (Yes! Weird AL!): Oh man. Can't believe it. RIP Michael Jackson.

Katy Perry: Oh my God. (Succinct. I like that. I don't care about Katy Perry, but I like succinct.)

Sarah Silverman: Did you hear Michael Jackson's kids are free? That's not nice. I'm sorry. Ugh, I feel bad for saying that. LOOK A BLUE CAR! (Well, at least she didn't hold back.)

Miley Cyrus: michael jackson was my inspiration. love and blessings (Oh, my God!! YOUR inspiration was Michael Jackson?! Since WHEN? Talk about hopping on the bandwagon. That's awfully pathetic of you. Inspiration? Spare me.)

I had a conversation with, of all people, my brother about Jacko. He was asking the question of what, if any, other celebrity's death was going to be as "huge" as this one. Both of us came up with Elvis. I thought about John Lennon, but decided that wasn't quite at this magnitude. Then we expanded the question to redefine "celebrity" as just "well known". My brother said maybe the Pope and I thought perhaps JFK. But later, I think he hit on it (to no greater surprise to anyone other than myself! Trust me, he's not exactly the parallel making, deep thinking, conversationalist type. To say the least.) when he sent me a text that read "Princess Diana". This story could absolutely have that sort of reach. Jacko seems to be huge in Europe and the UK. (I'm only basing that on his upcoming concerts that sold over a million tickets in ten minutes. That's all.) I'd like to know how those folks are reacting to this. After all, Germany is a country where David Hasselhoff is the greatest thing since sliced bread, so who knows what's going to happen when they find out Michael Jackson has died.

I don't know how something like the reach of a celebrity death would be measured or compared, but that was good. I just hope I don't have to try to figure it out by watching cable news. In the end, Michael Jackson was definitely a strange ranger who, despite the multitude of problems and odd-ness that he had, was still adored and loved and probably respected by at least a gazillion people. And all of that is despite the usually unsaid label of 'pedophile' that accompanied him over the past ten or so years. Don't expect cable news to delve into why that is or ask someone standing outside of a Burger King why it is. (You know...Burger King. He was the King of Pop! Those are the sort of connections that cable news makes covering stories like this. That's why we're doomed.) But if you ask me, I think it's probably because, as strange as he was and as bizarre as he behaved, people understood why he was as messed up as he was. People understood that being a mega celebrity when you're a small child can really mess a person up. People understood that he had all the money anyone could ever need, but it couldn't buy him a real adult friend. And I'm not excusing all of the alleged pedophiling, nor am I saying that any of it is an excuse for all of the alleged pedophiling. All I'm saying is (and you certainly wouldn't know it judging from everyone swooning over Jon & Kate lately) that people understand that having your life on display for the entire world to watch and judge is going to do some funny things to some people. And while people might not have understood him as a person, I think that they understood enough that they could kind of forgive him for any untoward alleged acts involving underage children and that one ungloved hand of his.

The next time that we have to do a celebrity death times three, can the three be CNN reporters? MSNBC? Ah, just throw all of the names from cable news into a hat (and toss Brian Williams and Katie Couric in there just for kicks) and we'll draw our trio out when we're all good and recovered from the current three. Ed, Farrah, Michael....thanks for everything.

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There's Fat and Then There's Lazy

Well, UK folks, you guys win this round. And while that sounds sort of like a compliment, it's more like the byproduct of the sigh of relief that I just exhaled, as I feared this story would be located in Flori-duh. But no! Blackburn, over there in Lancashire, England is the winner of this family of four! Meet the Chawners. Behold!

From left to right we have Emma, 19, her mother Audrey, 57, Audrey's husband Philip, 53, and their other daughter Samantha, 21. These folks haven't worked in eleven years. Eleven, that is correct. And due to their "hardship", they receive £22,508 a year in benefits. (That's $32,438.53 in US dollars, by the way.) And now, according to the fine folks across the pond at The Telegraph, the Chawners claim that "the money they receive is insufficient to live on." It is probably right about now that I should probably mention that they "can't work" because they're "too fat." Wait. What?

Correct. "Too fat to work." (Their words, not mine. Accurate, but their words none the less.) They're claiming that "their weight is a hereditary condition." I imagine it is. I imagine their forefathers ate too much, just like their forefathers before them, and so on. Oh, come on! Are you kidding me?! Look, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of sympathy for those with the whacked out metabolism. But these folks don't strike me as being a victim to their own heredity as much as their are a victim to their own refrigerator. Let's see what else they had to say about their situation (before we come to the same conclusion that I just did).

The Chawners "...claim to spend £50 ($72.06 USD) a week on food and consume 3,000 calories each a day." According to The Telegraph "The recommended maximum intake is 2,000 for women and 2,500 for men." So eating too much according to the guidelines, but still claim it's "heredity". Interesting claim. What else?

Mrs. Chawner explains their daily eating habits as "We have cereal for breakfast, bacon butties for lunch and microwave pies with mashed potato or chips for dinner." For those of you wondering about the "bacon butties", that's basically a bacon sandwich. Behold!

Oh, yeah. Eating (at least) one of those every day, that won't cause a problem. Nah. (That probably has nothing to do with why Philip is 336 lbs., Audrey is 336 lbs., Emma is 238 lbs. and Samantha is 252 lbs. That's 1162 lbs!) I can only assume that they're called "bacon butties" because after eating enough of them, you're going to end up with a bacon butt.

And in Mrs. Chawner's most telling and contradictory statement yet, she says, "All that healthy food, like fruit and veg, is too expensive. We're fat because it's in our genes. Our whole family is overweight." Yes, dearie, but if it was "in your genes" I don't think you'd be telling me how expensive fruits and vegetables are. Nor would you be telling me you eat a bacon butt sandwich for lunch every day. I'm having a hard time believing that they're only spending £50 ($72.06 USD) per week on food. How much is bacon?! Well, according to Bacon Today (Bacon Today? Oh, God bless the Internet!) bacon in England is $3.49/lb (£4.41/kg). Yeah, I don't think I'm buying that. Their story, not the bacon. I'd gladly buy bacon. Mmmm....bacon.

So, because they're "disabled" Mr. and Mrs. Chawner receive "£177 ($255.09 USD) in income support and incapacity benefit" each week AND Mrs. Chawner also gets another £330 ($475.60 USD) per-month as a "disability allowance for epilepsy and asthma", both of which are a result of what? Being overweight, that is correct. Mr. Chawner brings in his share of extra benefits as well. He gets £71 ($102.33 USD) a month for his Type 2 diabetes which is a result of what? Being overweight, correct again! (He "was on a waiting list for a gastric band last year, but a heart condition made the operation unsuitable." Wait a minute. They have waiting lists for the gastric band surgery in England? Why is there a waiting list? It's not like a transplant. Regardless, did the heart condition come up while he was waiting? Because you'd think that would be something his doctor (who we have heard nothing about, nor have we heard anything from) would have known about before putting him on the list.)

Daughter Samantha gets £84 ($121.06 USD) in Jobseekers' Allowance (which seems to be like the US equivalent of unemployment) each fortnight (which seems to be like the calendar equivalent of 2 weeks), and daughter Emma "...who is training to be a hairdresser, gets £58 ($83.59) every two weeks under a hardship fund for low-income students." Emma sees things like this: "I'm a student and don't have time to exercise. We all want to lose weight to stop the abuse we get in the street, but we don't know how." And again I will point out that "student" and "don't have time to exercise" are really not the same as "hereditary condition". No, they're the opposite of "hereditary condition."

And Mr. Chawner actually said the words, "What we get barely covers the bills and puts food on the table.(Clearly it does that!) It's not our fault we can't work. We deserve more." Um, what else do you need, sir? More? Your bills are paid. Your family has bacon sandwiches. What else is there? You've been doing this for eleven years. And I'm sure this will sound crazy, but you could always work and earn more. Just a thought! Just a crazy, crazy thought.

Actually, why? Why do you deserve more, sir? What is it that makes you so "deserving" of "more"? Why is it that you're so entitled to have "more"? I missed that part. (Is it because, judging from the pictures of you, that you only seem to have that one shirt?) But you come across as a bit ungrateful for everything that you have been given by your government which was paid for (I'm assuming) by other taxpayers who work. Don't feel like you're getting quite enough free money, do you now?

Look, I'm well aware that most of us are only a couple of Krispy Kremes away from putting on a pair of sweats and never looking back. Well aware. But the majority of people...OK, wait. Never mind, because the majority of people lately seem to vary between large and huge. So now my point is that large or not, the vast majority of folks manage to work. I have a difficult time believing that these folks are SO obese (they're large, but they seem to be mobile) that they can't work even part time. I mean, come on, they don't even have a Rascal! And I see NO oxygen tanks there! (And that's a lot more than I can say about the last time I was in a Wal-Mart. People too large to walk driving their Rascals and people too large to breathe sucking in their oxygen. With all of the buzzing and the wheezing it was like being in a senior citizen science fiction movie or something.)

I have the feeling that we're going to be hearing more about these folks in the near future. Unfortunately, I don't think it will be any sort of positive report. I'm guessing something that will clear things up as to how legitimate these folks are in regard to what The Telegraph reported.

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