Thursday, July 31, 2008

That Cat Won't Fit In The Hat

In New Jersey, a cat, (yes, a cat!), a cat was found walking around without a collar and it was taken to the local animal shelter. I'm sure you can guess that there has to be more to this story than just that. (Of course there is! I'm not mental.) And there is more. A lot more. Like 44 pounds more. Correct. The cat weighs 44 pounds. Behold! The 44 pound cat!

Holy cats (oh, pun ab-so-lutely intended). OK, that is a BFC (Big Fat Cat) if I have ever seen one. The head is so disproportionate to the rest of the body that it just looks ridiculous. It's like if someone got their Garanimals tags all mixed up and put the cat with the cow and ended up with the catcow. (That, of course, provided that you actually could tag animal body parts in a Garanimal like fashion. And I really don't think that's a good idea. I mean, my God, look at the cat! SO many things could go wrong with a system like that. It's probably best just to leave the animals how they are and not do ANY mixing and matching. Ever. But I digress.)

The workers at the animal shelter have nicknamed the cat "Princess Chunk", which is just about the stupidest name that they could have thought up. I'm not saying I could do much better, but I would definitely leave the implied royalty out of it. "Princess"? Why not "The Queen of Unlean"? "The Duchess of Muchess"? "Mama Cass"? So many better names that could have been chosen.

The BFC's owner has until Saturday to reclaim her. Those at the shelter, being masters of the obvious, believe that the BFC "is a domestic cat who escaped from her home or was abandoned by her owner." Really?! A "domestic cat", eh? Are you sure that she's not some wild feline from an open African range? Maybe a big-boned ocelot? And she's not a saber toothed tiger or something like that? For reals? Wow. It's a good thing they cleared that up for us. A "domestic cat." Brilliant.

If, barring the unforeseen unlikelihood that her owners do NOT notice her missing, and they haven't shown up by Saturday, the BFC is up for grabs! Or up for forklifting, as I don't think grabbing would be very effective. In the meantime, the shelter is going to speak to a veterinarian about putting the BFC on a diet. According to Deborah Wright, a volunteer at the animal shelter and another master of the obvious, "Chunk's diet consists of dry and wet cat food." Uh-huh. As opposed to what else?! NO kidding! Geez. In other news, the sun? Still hot. Water? Still wet. Back to you.

And although the BFC is huge, she's not the fattest cat on record. No, those folks over at Guinness who used to keep track of animal oddities say that the largest tabby on record, who lived in Australia and died during the 1980s, weighed 46 pounds, 15 ounces. Guinness does not keep track of animal world records any more out of fears that people would intentionally be doing things to their animals in order to get a world record. (That sort of logic leads me to the natural conclusion that someone was caught doing something just like that. Probably feeding Fido a big tub of lard three times a day with steroid injections in between.) So the BFC can get to be as B of an FC as she wants, there won't be any world records waiting for her at the end of that meal. Or something like that. But here's where things start to get a little weird.

Now, if you were a BFC and you had to wait around for days for your owners to show up and cart you off back home, you'd need a way to kill some time, right? Given as how the shelter workers seem intent on putting the BFC on a diet, it's not like she can spend her days constantly eating (which would seem to be how she must have been spending her days, and probably a few nights, before arriving at the shelter). So the BFC needs a new gig to keep her busy until then. So, tomorrow, she'll fill that gap by going on Regis and Kelly and then Friday she'll hit the set of Good Morning America and then the Today show. Wait. What?

Correct. The BFC is making the rounds on the morning talk shows. Can the BFC talk as well as eat?! I don't think so! Whose freaking idea was this?! And what if the BFC's owners show up to claim her. "I'm sorry folks. The BFC is caramelizing a creme brulee with Rachel Ray on "Ellen". Can you come back later? Oh, but not too soon. She's having dinner with Oprah and Gayle." We are a sad and all too easily entertained society. :::sigh:::

Although the shelter workers are the masters of the obvious and have stated their theories on how the BFC came to be "lost", they don't understand how it could happen at all. Professed the same Deborah Wright, "I'm about to put a leash on her and walk her. She could pass for a dog! I mean, how do you lose a 44-pound cat?" And I agree with that statement, but I think there's a fairly simple explanation for what happened.

The BFC ate her owners. Hopefully, the shelter workers and whoever books cats on talk shows are next.

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Win A Date With Deeply In Debt Hillary Clinton

There are new reality shows popping up all the time (because there just isn't quite enough crap on TV as it is). But it's when you hear about what sounds like a reality show and it turns out that it's just reality, that's when you really need to start taking a good look at that "reality". Chances are that you're not going to like it very much. I am referring to the fact that you or I or anyone else can (you guessed it) Win A Date With Hillary Clinton! Woot-woot!! Wait. What-what?

I know. I was a little surprised when I heard about it myself. It's like my worst nightmare come true and broadcast and reported by MSNBC. Here's the scoop: Hillary's now defunct campaign is in debt. A lot of debt. Her campaign owed around $22.5 million at the end of May. Somewhere around $10 million to $12 million of that is in personal loans that she made to her campaign. So as far as the vendors and the "little people" go, Hillary's campaign owes somewhere between ten and twelve million bucks. For those of you who are not mathematically inclined, that's a lot of cheese.

Since money hasn't exactly come pouring in to help her pay off this debt, she's adopted a new strategy. Hillary's website sports the photo below along with it's emblazoned caption "Have A Meal With Hillary." Then if you click on her "Blog" link at the top of her page, it takes you to (surprise) her blog and there "she" explains how you, yes YOU, can have dinner with Hillary.

Basically, if you contribute at least five dollars to her campaign, you will be eligible to be chosen at random to have dinner with Hillary. So it's kind of like a lottery. But it's with Hillary. It's a Hillottery. And I think people are supposed to be excited about this, but I'm having a hard time feeling anything but annoyed. Here's why:

Hillary was technically and mathematically eliminated from securing the Democratic party nomination sometime in May. (Technically, I think it was over before that, but "technically" doesn't really count when you're trying to explain that to Hillary.) And yet she kept pumping money into her campaign, mostly through personal loans. That really wasn't the best plan. But even with the money she was pumping in, that didn't stop her campaign from over spending. And while I don't give a fat rat's ass if she gets paid back, I do give a fat rat's ass if the vendors get paid back.

Look, I'll be the first one to admit I don't know a heck of a lot about running a Presidential campaign. But I do know a lot about finance. And spending money that you don't have is rarely a good idea. Especially when you don't immediately have the means to recoup that money and even worse is when you have to rely upon others to help you. Others who you haven't even asked at the time that you're spending all of the money!

And Hillary isn't the only one asking :the people" for help. (Yes, "the people". Those are the same "people" who are paying almost five bucks for a gallon of gasoline. The same "people" whose economy is in the tank at the moment. Yes, those "people". She's asking "them" for money. That doesn't exactly paint me a picture that looks like someone who was a firm grip on the economics that have beset this nation at the moment. No, that looks like someone who has maxed out their credit card and is crossing their fingers as they apply for another one.) Barry has asked "the people" to chip in to help Hillary out. And today, Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico announced that he's going to host two fundraisers in New Mexico on August 17 to help Hillary raise money to pay off her debt.

OK, to me, all of this is the equivalent of holding a bake sale to raise money for freaking HILLARY CLINTON! Hillary and Bill, since leaving the White House eight years ago, have managed to scrape together in earnings $104 MILLION DOLLARS. IN 2006, Bill earned $10.1 MILLION DOLLARS from giving 54 speeches. (That averages out to $187,000 per talk.) And they are asking people to GIVE THEM MONEY. What is going on?!

WHY should someone who has OVERSPENT get bailed out? Without going too far off on a tangent, it's like the mortgage and housing mess. A whole bunch of people bought a whole bunch of houses that they couldn't afford and they used loans that they'd never be able to make the payments on to do it. Now it's caught up to everyone and foreclosures abound. So what should happen? Should the people who spent irresponsibly have to deal with the natural (and logical) consequence of losing their home or should they be able to get bailed out from what is nothing more than the results of their OWN irresponsible (and pretty dumb) actions? Well, if you ask the people who are losing their homes they can't (and never could) afford, you'd think that they were entitled to be bailed out. Why do I get the same feeling from this "Pay Off Hillary's Campaign Debt" cross country crusade? Oh, that's right. Because it's the same.

I am not, nor will I ever, send ANY money or ANYTHING else to someone who earned $104 MILLION dollars over eight years so that they can PAY OFF A DEBT that THEY incurred for FOOLISH reasons! She should have been out of the race for the nomination SO long before she finally and begrudgingly conceded to Barry. And don't get me wrong, I understand how badly she wanted it. And I understand how hard it would be to have to admit to yourself, "Suck it, self. You lost." That would be hard. I get that. I don't get the irresponsible spending from someone who wants to lead this country one day.

And that Barry and Gov. Richardson think that they need to pull their constituents together to help BAIL OUT Hillary? That doesn't bode well at all. So, Barry, if you're elected, is that how you're going to deal with situations where people or corporations or banks make inadvisable decisions and spend money right and left until it's gone and they need more but there isn't any because they spent it all? Are you just going to bail them out as well? Why aren't these people just left alone to be responsible for their own debt? How come being held accountable isn't a freaking option anymore?

Perhaps, if Hillary had bowed out sooner, I'd have more sympathy. But I wouldn't have much more. Her campaign had to know that she was over spending. Do you think that right now, because her campaign debt isn't paid off, that she is stressing out about it? Do you really think that she is missing her $10 million or $12 million dollar "loan" that she made HERSELF? I doubt it. But I don't doubt that the vendors that she owes money to (you know, the "little people") are missing that money. I don't doubt that they would really like to get paid and that they really need to get paid. On top of that, they really DESERVE to get paid. To spend money that you don't have buying services from people who make their living off of those services seems fairly out of touch and really selfish. I don't know if I could vote for someone whose money management procedures went like that. Yeah, that'd be a hard sell.

But if you want to chow down with Hillary (Bill will probably come along too, I'd think. I mean, it could be an intern that wins.), by all means, contribute at least five dollars to her campaign to help pay off the vendors that she's screwing over and you might get that chance. Hey, and if you win, you might want to make sure that you have a way to pay for dinner when it's over. You know, just in case, for some reason, Hillary can't pay the bill.

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

P Squared

Now, let's say you're thinking about, oh, say...prostitution. (If you weren't thinking of it before, you certainly are now.) Now, since you're thinking about it and it's bouncing around in your cranium there, I'm going to guess that you want those thoughts to be as pleasant as possible, right? OK, granted, it is prostitution we're talking about, so I'm sure the thoughts aren't going to be overly glamorous, but I don't think that they're going to be hideous either. (I think that because of all eight of you reading this right now, none of you are perverts. You're reasonable people. All thinking about prostitution right now. But not perverted in any sense.) So I'm going to guess that you have visions of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman going through your head. (And again, if you didn't before, you certainly do now.) How bad could Julia Roberts be, right? Hooker or not? My point.

Regardless, that's along the lines of what you would expect if you're thinking about getting yourself a hooker. Someone who, well, looks like a hooker. A REGULAR type of hooker in your REGULAR type of ordering-up-a-hooker scenario. You know, there's nothing on TV. You're alone. You check your bank balance. You figure you really don't need to pay that electric bill on time (or at all) and you order yourself up a whore! Now, when you show up to do said "whore", what are you going to do if your whore is not so much of the Julia Roberts variety, but more of the pregnant variety? Correct. Pregnant. Not pregnant after your encounter. Pregnant before your encounter. Very pregnant. Well, if you were in Lake Ozark, Missouri last Thursday AND you had a hankerin' for a hooker, it's quite possible that you had that very thing happen to you. Oh, please, wait. WHAT?

Police in Camden County (that's in Missouri) busted a prostitution ring and the prostitutes were pregnant. Not just a little pregnant. VERY pregnant. According to the fine folks over there at KSPR News in Missouri, three of the four women who were busted in a prostitution sting were freaking pregnant! What in the hell kind of lifestyle are you people living that you're out whoring yourself off to strange men when you have another human being growing inside of you?! (I'm guessing that between the three pregnant women, there's probably a grand total of 12 teeth because this is about low as it can get. And there's a certain point of "lowness" on the "human scale" where the number of teeth begin to decrease along with the amount of decency that a person possesses. I'm just saying.) Pregnant prostitutes. The ol' "P-squared". What in the hell is wrong with people?!

The "women" (and I use that term loosely as they are 18, 20 and 22 years old. Again, seriously this time, what in the hell is wrong with you?) were eight months pregnant, six months pregnant and three months pregnant, thus completing the pregnancy trimester trifecta. (You know, I might have to throw up a little before I finish writing this. This is wrong on SO many levels. I don't know HOW many levels, but there are probably more levels that this is wrong on than the number of teeth present as mentioned above.) What in the hell is wrong with people?!

Now, I'm not a "prostitute ordering" kind of individual, mainly because I'm a chick and well, while I'm sure it's possible, I don't want to know about it. Not now. Probably not ever. But I digress. If you're a guy who has ordered himself up a hooker and you show up or she shows up or however that works, and she turns out to be pregnant...VERY pregnant, what in the hell do you do? I'm kind of picturing (and really hoping) a scenario quite similar to that after you get your food at a drive-thru. You know, you look through the bag to make sure that it's what you ordered and if it isn't, you hand the bag back to the non-English speaking attendant and say, "Um, this isn't what I ordered. Yeah, see...see, what you gave me is Super-Sized. I didn't want Super-Sized. I just wanted the regular. NO extras. Can I get a new one, please?" I just can't see that being OK with someone, especially if they weren't expecting it. (The MEN. If the MEN weren't expecting. Yes, yes, I KNOW the WOMEN are expecting. That's not what I meant and I have a feeling that you knew that!) What in the hell is wrong with people?!

What in the hell do you say to a pregnant prostitute? You can't really ignore something like that, can you? I can't ignore it and I'm just reading about it! "So...when are you due? Oh! That's great! So he'll be a Scorpio. Awesome. Are you eating right? Of course you're married. I couldn't have sex with a pregnant hooker if she was bearing a child out of wedlock. That would just be wrong." I don't think so! And I certainly hope NOT! What in the hell is wrong with people?!

I'm having a hard time deciding who is more despicable. The despicable women for doing this while they're pregnant or the despicable men who are paying for this (as I have to assume that, since they were arrested for prostitution, that this must have been acceptable for at least SOME of their customers. Ick.). If you are an 18 year old, pregnant prostitute, I am amazed you haven't killed yourself, sweetie. And I'm actually a little curious as to why you haven't. What in the hell kind of life is that? And it's not like they're just hooking themselves out and following all other aspects of pre-natal care. No, I'm kind of thinking that a lot of the regular things that you do during pregnancy are conspicuously absent from these ladies lives. And if you are a guy who is paying for sex with an 18 year old pregnant prostitute, you should probably be shot a minimum of once, probably twice and both times in the kneecaps. What in the hell is wrong with people?!

They were all charged with prostitution (obviously). I just do not understand this type of behavior. Is there any way that the babies can be taken away from them in utero? I really don't think that the babies could be removed from the presence of their "mothers" at any time that would be considered "too soon". Actually, at this point, any time is probably "too late". What in the hell is wrong with people?!

Real nice life you girls are living there. Reeeeeaaaal nice. Outstanding. So, what you going to name the kid if it's a boy? John?

What in the hell is WRONG with people?!

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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Chew on This

So, in the previous post, I included a picture of the bat-signal in a story that, basically, revolved around a man with a Snake Light projecting a silhouette of his manhood onto the sides of buildings. Now, I had wanted to alter the bat-signal and make it a penis-signal. (This information is somewhat relevant to how I found the subject of this post. Just stay with me.) So I was searching Google for keywords like "penis, outline, drawing" and other similar terms. One result looked more promising than others, so I clicked. That is how I entered the world of China Trader Online. Join me, won't you?

See, when I think of "penis" (and I try not to), I don't usually think of "chew toy". But, then again, I'm not Chinese. Or, at least, I'm not the Chinese that are running China Trader Online. They seem to think that a penis (at left) would make a lovely chew toy for your dog to gnaw on. That's right. Toss the ol' Polyurethane Penis to the pooch and watch him play, play, play. I don't get it. I don't even have a penis, but watching an animal chew on one would make me uncomfortable and would definitely cause me to cross my legs. But they don't stop there!

They also inexplicably figured that it would also be a good idea to have a variety of body parts from which to select a toy for your pet to sink it's teeth into, as if it had just killed it's prey and was enjoying the feast. You can have your choice of polyurethane kidneys, livers, eyeballs, brains, breasts (OK, I do have those and the thought of Fido gnawing on one of those absolutely makes me cringe. And cross my arms. And legs, just for good measure.), hearts, stomachs or tongues. Mix and match! Just like the real human body! Collect all of your 2,000 parts!

Who thinks this is normal? It's not. I mean, look at the penis with the face on it. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.) Even he looks embarrassed by the fact that he's a chew toy. But you know that if they had this sort of stuff over there at China Trader Online, they were bound to have other weirdness stocked high and deep on their virtual shelves. Oh, and did they ever. And it wasn't just the items that I found amusing. The descriptions were equally as humorous.

Take this festive and decorative skull.

The description reads: "Skeleton Shape Candle Lamps with 7 Colors LED on Bottom. On/Off LED Light Once Light up/Crush out Candle Suitable as Wedding or Party etc." I know I speak AND understand English, but I had a bit of a trouble with that one. "Crush out candle"? And I'm also very interested in the kinds of weddings that they have in China where the LED light up skull lamp makes an appearance.

Next we have the Household Air Purifier. What does it do, you ask? Oh, it does plenty. (The one thing it doesn't do is spell. All spelling errors are courtesy of China Trader Online and their misspelled descriptions.) For example:

  • Produce the "Air Vitamin"-O-2 (So...oxygen?)

  • Refresh ..Dispel the fatigue (Fatigue be gone!)

  • Sober brain , improve working efficiency (Because a drunk brain is inefficient at work.)

  • Strengthen the metabolism, improve the immune function
  • Except the bad smell, cigarette, nicotine. dust removal. (Except for what?)

  • Except that mould, defends mould in the room (Again, except for what? Why is it defending the mold? Shouldn't it be defeating the mold?)

  • Disinfect, disinfect, prevent disease (So good it disinfects TWICE!)

  • Dispel the household appliances screen and emerges (It's getting rid of my household appliances? I didn't realize it was a magic air purifier. And it's emerging as what afterwards?)

  • Dispel the coal gas, oxidize toxicity (Coal gas? Do I live inside of a mountain?)

  • Fragrant, fresh air floats (Coming soon in new Root Beer Float fragrance!)

  • Large screen display calendar, times, temperatures and Automatic to give the correct time

Wow. And all of that from something that looks strikingly similar to a clock-radio. Huh. But that's just the product description. There are features, too!

  • The unique one realizes Automatic control and change the function to the taking place amount of ozone Automatically, Let the user really feel at ease. This obtains the national practical new-type patent rights. (I can automatically change the ozone? Global warming problem solved!)

  • The unique one has Large screen display calendar, times, temperatures and Automatic to give the correct time.

  • Five defeated oxygen and ion discharge needles uniquly. (I don't want anything that is going to be discharging needles at me and defeating the oxygen.)

  • It is difficult to be shattered, leave the mar on the surface to introduce the elasticity of importing and paint to deal with the surface. (What in the hell does this mean?)

  • Unique a pair of switches, a pair of indicator lamps. (Um, no, unique a new dictionary.)

  • The fan has the special switch, meet the demands of different customers (Not just any special switch, the special switch.)

You're catching on, right? That's it's all just a bunch of crap? Correct. And there's tons of it over there at China Trader Online. Tons of completely useless crap that we really don't need any more of on this planet. I mean, we have enough stuff in the landfills already without having to add things like this:

The "After Sex Towel". According to it's description: "This is a great Novelty Item that anybody would love as a Gift. Convenient Easy to use, After Sex Towels. Fun Gift!" Convenient and easy to use? As opposed to the extremely rare and complicated towels most people reach for after sex? And I highly doubt anybody really would love that as a gift. (I do find it a bit ironic that the "After Sex Towel" is for a XXL.) But really, what exactly is it that I am doing during sex that afterwards requires me to towel off with a double XL towel? Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily opposed to whatever it may be. I'm just asking because from what I can remember, I don't recall towelling off after sex. I definitely don't recall yearning for a specific towel TO use after sex, I do remember that.

These are called "FM Torch Radios". I don't know if that's because they are supposed to look like a torch (the Olympics ARE in just a few weeks) or if they actually spew fire. And it's unclear from the description what in the hell is going on over there in China because it reads: "FM torch radio for ice-cream promotional gifts."

Ice cream? And torches? One of those things is not like the other, but I have no idea which one. What the hell do ice cream and torches have to do with each other?

Oh, but the torch-y ice cream gifts will seem trivial after reading about this baby here. Here is the "game" "Shocking Reaction."

It almost looks harmless enough, with the exception of the radioactive fuchsia colored glow emitting from the bottom of it and also with the exception of the electricity going through that one hand in the upper right. That doesn't look good. Or fun, really. And the "game" doesn't seem to require a lot more than two fingers, so what gives?

According to the description of the "game", It's "fun if you dear!" (I can only assume they meant "dare".) And I'm going to leave all of the spelling just the way they had it over there at China Trader Online. They have a different version of "fun" than I do.

3 funny games for one to four player in 1 product.

Game 1:Shocking Roulette In this game the one who's off his luck will get an electric shock! to play shock roulette, you don't need skill or knowledg. you don't need dexterity or athletic ability of any kind.all you need is steely COURAGE and dumb LUCK.

Wow. Not exactly the strongest selling point I can think of for a game that would seem to be the equivalent of having you and your friends all sticking your fingers in different wall outlets and waiting around to see "who's off his luck" when some unknowing individual walks in and flips on a light switch. I do like how they included the word "dumb" up there. Subtle.

Game 2:Lightning reaction This game mode is for challenging the agility in reaction and coordination between hands and eyes of the players. In this game, victory or defeat is to be decided by each player's own ability. Adroit players can enjoy seeing the loser suffering the instantaneous pain caused by electric shock.

Again, I'm not sure that "players can enjoy seeing the loser suffering the instantaneous pain caused by electric shock" is really the best PR line they could have come up with. Instantaneous for the whole family to enjoy!

Game 3:shocking reaction Are you ready for the ultimate test of your reactions, and your nerve? be ready, or face a real shock.....This game mode is for challenging the agility in reaction and coordination between hands and eyes of the players too.but more exciting! victory or defeat is to be decided in ONE SECOND!

Now they've involved the eyes. Great. Blinded by electricity. On purpose. For fun! In only ONE SECOND! Who thought this was a good idea? A fun, good idea? You can click on the full manual below to see a bigger pic of it.

The oddly novel thing about China Trader Online is that the prices for all of their crap are "Negotiable". That's right, no listed price for anything. Just you, speaking English and haggling with someone who speaks Chinese. That should be productive. And fun. Let me know how that turns out for you.

It's all crap. Just tons and tons of crap. And while all eight of you who read this blog know that I am not some sort of "green" advocate who's always running around harping about saving the planet. I'm just tired of seeing so much stuff that is completely useless get produced solely for the purpose of maybe making a profit. And the profit just doesn't seem worth it when the exchange is a landfill or an ocean full of polyurethane penises. Or is it penii?

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Monday, July 28, 2008

That's Not The Bat-Signal

One more place to add to my list of places I don't need to visit. Any more. Today's addition is Madrid, Spain. I have nothing in particular about Spain itself, nor Madrid itself. It's the guy walking through the streets of Madrid who is projecting images of his penis onto the sides of buildings that I have a problem with. Wait. What?

Apparently a one Jaime del Val is making the rounds through the streets of Madrid. The only difference between him and other tourists is that he is naked and wearing a contraption that, really, looks like something straight out of Ghostbusters. (But I know it's not from Ghostbusters because in Ghostbusters there were NO penises. Well, of course there were penises! We just didn't have to see them! And thank God for that! I mean, after all, it's Bill Murray for cryin' out loud.) The purpose of his crotch contraption is to project an image of his penis onto large surfaces for all those around to see. WTF? It's like some sort of phallic bat-signal!

This is disturbing on many, many levels. The first one is that the man who is walking around parts of Spain with high powered projection equipment attached to his genitalia is mentioned BY NAME in the story by the good folks across the pond at The Metro. WHY do they know this man's NAME? That leads me into the second level of wrongness. The one that says a man whose name is known should NOT be walking the streets of Spain, naked, and with the intent of projecting an image of his alleged manhood onto the sides of buildings. No, if you have gone through the trouble of learning this chap's NAME, it should only be under the pretext of your arresting him and taking him far, far away. Other than that, there's no reason to call this guy anything other than "you freak". Look at him, will you? Do you have a better name? I didn't think so.

Then there is the burning question (other than, "Oh, what the hell is that?!") which is, "What in the hell is the point?" Because from what I can tell, it has to be something bigger than just his penis (which really shouldn't be too hard to accomplish, judging from the photos). And I suppose that if his name is known, I should assume that his "cause" would be known as well.

So what is it? The "cause"? I'm guessing mental instability at this point. What? Oh, HIS cause. Sorry. His cause is to "...denounce the 'homophobia, sexism and hypocrisy' of the Catholic hierarchy and the 'empty symbol of a society of control and consumption, and a culture of tourism and the overall simulation', respectively", according to the Spanish website Terra. (Gracias.) Well, then. That explains why he was projecting the image of his unit (he calls the images his "organs of power", which sounds a bit like they would be penis superheroes.) onto the side of a Cathedral building on Tuesday night. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. NO IT DOESN'T!!!!

:::sigh::: Fine. Here. Behold. Organ of Power Projecting

OK, now I absolutely, for SURE know THAT was NOT in Ghostbusters! What is with the Black & Decker Snake LIght wrapping around his ASS?! (Oh, great. Now I've got that commercial in my head. "It's the Snake Light...from Black & gets around, around, around, around....") And why does he have to be naked? Can't he just whip it out at each pre-selected location?<br>

NOTHING has explained why it is that he is doing....THAT to make his point! I'm fairly certain you can make a point against hypocrisy and homophobia and everything else he was against and even a few things that he wasn't against, AND that you can do so wearing some freaking clothes and without projectile genitalia! Has this man never heard of, oh, I don't know, A SIGN?!?! Is the concept of "picketing" completely lost on this dude?!?! Judging from those photos I'd have to guess that, sadly, it is.

Not only has he projected his schlong onto the side of a Cathedral (which is a fairly good way to get your ticket to hell pretty much confirmed), before he did that, according to Terra, "he launched his deformed genitals in front of Congress to denounce 'the weakness of democracies'." Now they're deformed? So, shadowy, on the side of buildings AND deformed. Man, everything is just going wrong in this story. Not that it started off all that right to begin with. I'm just saying. But, you know, I don't know that a lot of people are going to look at the Spanish Congress building and see a large, shadowy, deformed penis on the side of it and think, "He's denouncing the weakness of democracies!" I just don't see it happening like that.

When I've thought of exhibitionists (which is to say, never), I've always pictured the guy wearing that long coat and loafers with socks. Oh, and a hat. There's usually a hat involved. I don't picture some perverted Dr. Peter Venkman going around giving midnight showings of his penis in a fashion similar to that of a drive in movie. But this particular Spanish exhibitionist thought differently than I did. Except for the Ghostbusters part. You can't deny the similarities between the Penis Silhouette Creator and the Ghostbusters weaponry. Compare the two below.

It's undeniable. They're practically the same. Here's another one. Again, note the similarities; they're eerie.

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Sunday, July 27, 2008

Mow Slaughter

Quiz time! If your lawnmower won't start, do you:

  • A - Ask the immigrant gardener across the street to borrow his (if you speak Spanish)

  • B - Find the manual (the what?)

  • C - Take it to be repaired

  • D - Get out your sawed off shotgun and shoot the SOB

If you answered "D" you're correct! (You're also in need of some serious anger management. Seek help, won't ye?) And if you're in Wisconsin and you're 53-year old Keith Walendowski, you're going to get arrested for a few things.

Mr. Walendowski, who looks about like what you'd expect him to, had become fed up with his mower when it wouldn't start. That's when he decided to teach the lawn mower a lesson. He went inside, grabbed his sawed off shotgun and shot it. "It" being the inanimate object "the mower". Naturally, those five words that are usually applicable in situations like this are, in fact, applicable here as well. "Alcohol may have been involved."

Mr. Waldenowski was very cooperative when the officers arrived and told them that he would tell them the truth. He said, "I got pissed because my lawn mower wouldn’t start, so I got my shotgun and shot it." I see. Well. Kudos for honesty, sir. But could you put the weapon down, please?

Mr. Walendowski was arrested for misdemeanor disorderly conduct and felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle. (After his arrest, his leaf blower and his hedge trimmer both let out a collective sigh of relief.) The officers also found a shotgun, shells, a handgun and a stun gun in the house. (Geez. He could have taken out the entire Tool Corral at Home Depot with that stash.) His response to the officers when he was being arrested was, "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want." And here's the thing...I'm sort of inclined to agree with him.

Now, granted, he's not supposed to have a sawed off shotgun. I can't agree with him having possession of that. So, I'm OK with the charge for possession of the gun. (The maximum sentence for such a charge is 6 years and three months. 6 years in jail seems a bit steep for just having possession of the gun, though. Seriously, SIX? I don't know, it just seems like overkill. Eh, pun maybe intended there.) And I can't find anywhere that says if he did or did not have a gun permit. But if he did and he went ahead and shot the mower, granted, it's nuts. But is it against the law? I don't think it is.

I can think of a bunch of things that he could have done instead of shoot the mower. He could have shot the woman who called the cops, for starters. Turns out that woman was his mother, so it would have been like a two for one kind of deal. (Oh, come on! Like he doesn't have an issue or two with her he'd like to resolve! He's 53, living at home in Wisconsin, drunk in the middle of the day and trying, unsuccessfully I might add, to mow the freaking lawn with an arsenal of weaponry in his home! Everyone involved should be glad it was just the mower.)

And really, while I think he was within his rights to shoot his own mower, I'm going to have to go out on a limb here and guess that it really didn't have much of an effect ON the mower itself. I mean, I highly doubt that the mower is there next to the garbage cans because it's taking a time out. It's not over there facing the wall thinking, "Geez. All right, I'll start next time! You didn't have to shoot me, for cryin' out loud. I was just trying to have a little fun, that's all. You crazy drunk." Yeah, see, things like this almost never turn out that way.

So while all the humans in this story escaped unscathed (although one will probably develop a rather nasty hangover), there is the issue of the wounded Lawn-Boy. Some reporter felt the need to ask an authorized retailer about the warranty on the mower and if it would cover this sort of damage. (Mow-slaughter?) Fortunately, Dick Wagner of Wagner's Garden Mart told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, "Anything not factory recommended would void the warranty." And since I have yet to see "shrapnel damage" as something that would be covered by any warranty (let alone "factory recommended"), I'm thinking Mr. Walendowski is going to be shopping for a new mower. Just as soon as he sobers up and gets out on bail.

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The Sunday Sampling

Welcome to Sunday!

In case you're looking for any or another reason to be glad that you live in this country, Iran is hanging 30 people today. According to the one time respected news outlet CNN, "...all 30 were convicted of crimes including murder, murder in commission of a crime, disturbing public safety and security, being a public nuisance while drunk and being involved in illegal relationships -- relationships between men and women who are not married to each other."

OK, if you go by just what's in this blog alone, if the US acted in this fashion for the crimes described above, we'd have to hang half of the state of Florida.

And they're not doing the typical "hangings" that I think of when I think of "hangings". I think "hangings" I think "gallows". Apparently, Iran thinks "hangings" they think "crane". Yes, they use a crane (not the bird, rather the piece of construction machinery) to hang people. I don't know if it's the mobility factor that allows them to move about the country, hoisting people to their death at will or what. Who in the hell thought of this morbidity? Who's the executioner? Bob the Builder?

In other news you can use, you'll be happy to know that the hole in the Qantas plane that ripped open at 29,000 feet on Friday was not the result of corrosion. Um, yay? Am I supposed to be happy about that? I don't know. I know that, regardless of reason, I am less than happy about a huge hole ripping through the floor of ANY aircraft for ANY reason. You know what would make me happy? NO HOLES!

And finally, who is running John McCain's campaign over there? The Messiah, Barry Obama, goes to Berlin to speak in front of a crowd of 200,000 Germans who, contrary to what you would have thought given the throngs of people there, will NOT have a vote in this November's Presidential election. I don't know why he went there, but he did. (And the drunken Germans in the Berlin park really seemed to be enjoying themselves. But I don't think anyone told them they won't be voting, so their jubilation may be under false pretenses.)

And where is John McCain? He's doing the senior citizen version of a speech in Berlin by having lunch at Schmidt’s Restaurant and Sausage Haus in Columbus (that's in Ohio). Schmidt's slogan is “the best of the Wurst”. And that might be what that was, too. It definitely doesn't help overlook the fact that Schmidt's Sausage Fest (or whatever), while serving German food, is not QUITE the same as actually being IN Germany! Come on, Grandpa McCain! Step it up!

Oh, wait. After the schnitzel stop, he went grocery shopping in Pennsylvania. Something about milk.

Make it stop. Please? Anyone? Make it stop? Is it November yet?

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