Thursday, October 11, 2007

She'd Like To Buy A Voul

Watching "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" pains me. How tonight's contestant managed to find her way to the studio in the first place is beyond me.

The FIRST question in the category of 1st grade spelling was something along the lines of "How many consonants are in the word 'vowel'?" Such a tricky, tricky question (for some). I think probably where she really got hung up is with the spelling of the word 'vowel'. See, when you think that 'vowel' is spelled V-O-U-L, you're going to come up with the wrong number of consonants every time.

What was even sadder was how surprised this woman was when she heard how 'vowel' was actually spelled. I believe that she was honestly, honestly surprised.

It should come as no surprise that it didn't get any better for her. The whole display just made me embarrassed to be human.

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Dumbass Du Jour

The Dumbass of the Day would have to be Michelle Rodriguez, someone I've never heard of, but who is apparently a celebrity in that she apparently stars in 'Lost'. She, like every other Hollywood denizen these days, had pled no contest (ie, guilty, but I'm not saying I'm guilty) to various offenses that involved alcohol and motor vehicles and, in one case, hit and run. That was in 2004.

In 2006, she was sentenced to 60 days for violating probation stemming from the 2004 debacle, but was released after spending a whopping 4 hours and 20 minutes in the overcrowded slammer. However, she was able to spend a bit more time in jail in 2006 when she opted (as in freely chose) for 5 days in jail in Hawaii rather than perform community service. Go figure.

Enter 2007 where she has violated the terms of at least one of the myriad of probations that she is/was on. Apparently the judge was not amused by her lack of performing community service (separate from the community service gig in Hawaii that she opted out of) and sentenced her to 180 days in an LA jail, the beginning of which term will commence on Christmas Eve. Ouch.

What a dumbass. First of all, if you're opting to go to jail instead of do community service, something's not quite right with you. I don't know what it is, but it's wrong or broken or both. Second, let me get this could have ladled soup or fed stray dogs as a way of staying out of jail and you chose NOT to? That strikes me as odd (or, as stated previously, wrong, broken or both).

Six months in an LA jail is NOT how I would want to spend ANY six months of my life. But, then again, I'm not her. And, sadly, I have a hard time believing that six months in jail in LA is going to help her much. Considering that at one point during this saga, the chick chose jail over something less, oh, confining, she might actually enjoy it. Or, at the very least, be OK with it. It's sad, but she's still a dumbass.

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Dear who?

"Dear Abby" has spoken up and said that she is in favor of gay marriage. Well, that's great, I suppose, but does anyone actually read Dear Abby anymore? I mean, hasn't it been sort of like the print version of The Jerry Springer Show for a while now?

Today's column dealt with a woman who had been divorced for 6 months and then found love on the Internet with a divorced dermatologist with whom she moved in with 6 weeks later. I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn that chaos ensued shortly thereafter.

So I'm still confused. Am I supposed to care what Dear Abby said about gay marriage? Am I supposed to be glad that Dear Abby spoke up in favor of gay marriage? Don't get me wrong, I'm all in favor of gay marriage, but good Lord, man, I don't think I can be in favor of Dear Abby.

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Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I don't get it

Somewhere within the rugged Cascade mountains of Washington, a plane full of skydivers has apparently crashed and all of the skydivers aboard are presumed dead.

I'm confused. They're skydivers, right? They had chutes, yes? So, what, they can jump out of a perfectly good plane but not one that is plummeting toward the earth? I don't get it.

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Monday, October 8, 2007

Step Away From The Botox!

So I'm watching Dancing With The Stars (stop it!) and they cut to a shot of Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin in the audience.

Um, Lisa? Yeah, honey, you're going to want to step away from the botox. Slowly at first, it'll be OK. I promise. Because it's not pretty. And it certainly isn't subtle, for God sakes. Good Lord, woman, your lips look like a couple of very, very misplaced life rafts.

Seriously? What could she possibly be thinking? I suppose that the only person who could maybe be getting some sort of a fringe benefit would be Harry. And if that's the case, I don't think I can go there. But, congrats, Harry. Good for you.

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We Suck.

My Niners lost. Again. This time, to the hapless Ravens, a team named after an Edgar Allen Poe story. Doesn't matter. We could have played Goldilocks and the Three Bears and still lost.

You know your team is bad when it loses to a horrible team. Not because the horrible team had a sudden burst of ingenius and inspirational play, but because your team was, and IS, worse.

I have a ton of faith that Alex Smith is the QB that can lead my Niners back to the Promised Land of the Super Bowl. (Although if I start thinking about the reason why I think that, that reason being that the guy went to the U of Utah and I love that my two favorite places can somehow meld as one, then I start to think I'm nuts for thinking it in the first place.) After Sunday's game, however, I'm reverting back to my hopes from a few years ago.

The hope was a simple one. I didn't hope that they would crush every opponent. I didn't hope for last minute victories that they pulled out of their asses. I didn't hope for just a simple checkmark in the W column. The hope was much, much more simple than any of those. And I'm reverting back to it today.

I just hope no one gets killed out there next Sunday. Because if they keep playing like the hapless wusses that they are, it's gonna happen. And all I can do is forget about winning (because that ain't gonna happen) and hope that everyone finishes the game in one piece.

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Sunday, October 7, 2007

The World Is Ending...or Not.

OK, I'm pretty sure that these are signs that the world is coming to an end...shortly. And really, the sooner the better, as the misery that could ensue might be too much to handle for too long.

First sign: The Hannah Montana tour is outselling The Police, Springsteen, Beyonce and Justin Timberlake (the 3rd and the 4th ones I don't really care about, but Sting and the Boss?!!? Travesty, I tell you.). On top of that, the tickets for Hannah Montana are MORE expensive than the above mentioned four. She sings to TWELVE YEAR OLDS!!! More expensive than The Police?!?! What the hell?

Next sign: Barbara Walters is seventy eight years old. WHAT?!?! SEVENTY EIGHT?!?! WTF?!?! How is she SEVENTY EIGHT? I guess if I think about it, for as long as she's been on TV, she should probably be older than that (probably sold her soul to the devil, but who in Hollywood hasn't?), but since I'm not thinking about that I'm back to SEVENTY EIGHT?!?! Way to go, BaBa Wawa.

See....they're signs! Signs I tell you. The world, it's just.....wait a minute.....oh, hey.....Pam Anderson just married Rick Solomon, the guy who was in the sex tape with Paris Hilton. Oh. Well, never mind then. Everything is back to normal. My mistake. Sorry. :)

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On the first day....

Recently, it was pointed out to me that I, apparently, feel the need to “comment, comment, comment” on a myriad of subjects. This observation was later confirmed/reinforced by another individual, thus rendering it a character trait. (Thanks, guys. You know who you are.) Since personality traits are ingrained far, FAR earlier in life than the stage that I’m currently in, I see no reason in trying to change something that, well, amuses me so. Thus, the blog.

I’ll try to keep my commenting and/or mocking limited to one or two ridiculous individuals and/or scenarios per day. But don’t hold me to that, because we all know that on some days, it seems like the whole world just goes freakin’ nuts (usually because it has). And when it does, I mock it. Often. Enjoy.

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