Friday, November 30, 2012

The No Starbucks Premium Coffee Challenge

Man, I just cannot get enough of Jimmy Kimmel.  (There's a sentence that I never thought I'd type.)  He's done it again.  He's done a man on the street type interview to prove that people have no idea what they're talking about.  This time, he tried to get people to discern the difference between ordinary coffee and the new Starbucks premium coffee that is $7 per cup.  But here's the twist:  There was no difference between the two coffees.  Nope.  One was regular ol' coffee and the other one was regular ol' coffee.  Oh, but did that stop folks (except for the very last guy) from giving very detailed descriptions of which one was better and/or different?  No, it did not. And they weren't just like "I like this one better" (which again, would have been interesting because it's the same coffee in both cups and none of it is the Starbucks premium).  No, they were like "This one has a smoother, more richer flavor due to the consistency of the bean from which the liquid was extracted in the process of coffee beanery" or some crap like that.  I'm telling you, there is the basis for some sort of a Nobel Prize in this data that Kimmel is gathering.  The video is below.  Enjoy!  (You'll enjoy it a lot more if you don't focus on the fact that Kimmel's head looks awfully big for his body for some reason.  Is it always like that?  Has he always had an enormous noggin?  This was the first time I've noticed it and I couldn't look away.  It was a little distracting which is why I'm warning you not to do it.  Although, now that I've said this, all you'll be able to think is "Big head.  Big head!  BIG HEAD!"  Sorry.  I was really just trying to warn you is all.)

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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Powerball Morons

Jimmy Kimmel is onto something.  Seriously, his man on the street interviews about things that never happened could have great sociological implications about the current state of our society and the need for perceived instant fame.  Why do people lie about things when a camera is shoved in their face?  I don't get it.  What's the harm in just saying "That's not a thing"?  This time, people were asked if they bought Powerball tickets before the huge jackpot drawing yesterday.  The people that he asked were in California.  And the thing is is that while the people were in California, the Powerball is not.  That's right.  California doesn't even have the Powerball lottery game.  (They have something called Mega Millions.  They also have just a statewide lottery game called Super Lotto.  Neither of these facts have anything to do with this story other than they are both NOT Powerball and buying tickets for either one of them will NOT have you entered in the Powerball drawing.) But do you think that the fact that the specific lottery game that these morons were asked about isn't available in their state stopped these people from answering truthfully?  Of course it didn't!  No, they answered with glee about how they had bought their tickets "just over there".  Some of them even went as far as to mention how long the line was!  There WAS NO line!  That's because there WERE NO Powerball tickets! 

This needs to be studied.  Those people need to be confronted and asked what in the hell they were talking about and why they were flat out lying to the camera.  DID they actually buy something that they thought was a Powerball ticket?  (Maybe it actually is like Jimmy Kimmel surmised there at the end that they bought Powerade and were simply confused.  Then again, I didn't see any sports drinks in their presence, so that might not be the case.)  Or were they just flat out lying and making themselves look asinine on purpose?  If so, what purpose did that serve, exactly?  I'm so confused while at the same time being completely fascinated by this phenomenon.  I really need to start doing stuff like this.  The video of all this asshattery is below.  Enjoy!

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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Poor Person Picks

I don't know how relevant Time's Person of the Year award/moniker ever really was, but I can tell you how relevant it is now.  That answer would be 'not at all'.  I don't know what in the world has happened over there at Time for them to come up with some of the nominees that they have, but I know that their current list makes me want to boycott anything to do with Time, including watches and clocks. 

Let's review some of the past winners.  There was the likes of Charles Lindbergh, Mahatma Gandhi, Franklin Roosevelt (twice!), Adolf Hitler, Winston Churchill (twice!), Josef Stalin (twice!) and Dwight D. Eisenhower (twice!).  There was John F. Kennedy, the Apollo 8 astronauts, Martin Luther King, Jr., Richard Nixon (twice!), Wallis Simpson and Walter Chrysler.  There was Nikita Khrushchev, John Foster Dulles, Chiang Kai-shek, Soong May-ling and Ronald Reagan.   I could go on (they've been doing this since 1927), but I think that you get the point.  Now let's look at some of the nominees for Person of the Year for 2012. 

I'm going to start with the good because it's a short list.  President Barry is on the list.  That's reasonable and expected.  That's it.  (I told you it was short.)  Now, onto the bad! 

For Person of the Year, Person of the freaking Year, the nominees are...

Jay-Z  (Good Lord.  Nothing against Jay-Z, but there is no way that guy gets to be Person of the Year.  Sure, he's a big name in music.  He moved the Nets to Brooklyn.  He pro-created with Beyonce.  But those things don't matter in the grand scheme of things (unless you're Beyonce). 

 PSY  (Again, I say, good Lord.  This is the South Korean dude who is responsible for Gangham Style.  I realize that it's the most viewed video on YouTube ever.  But I think that says more about the people who are watching the video as opposed to the person in the video.  People are dumb.  They'll watch anything.  That doesn't mean you get to be Person of the Year because your target audience is idiots.) 

Pussy Riot.  (This is the Russian girl band who was jailed for playing their loud and irreverent music in a church.  That's a no-no in Russia.  But really, have you heard their music?  It's abhorrent.  It makes me want to kill myself and not in a good way.  Should they be in jail?  No.  Should they be Person of the Year because of this?  Hell no.) 

Michael Bloomberg  (OK, so some softhead wants the government to control everything that you do because you might not be able to do it correctly and he gets nominated for Person of the Year?  If he wins, we're doomed.  To think that someone who advocated (and managed to enact) a law that restricts the size of soda that a person is able to consume could be voted what is essentially the most influential person of the year is frightening.) 

Gabrielle Douglas  (Oh, come on!  This is a joke, right?  She's a gymnast, right?  How on earth does that qualify someone to be Person of the Year?  Did Khrushchev need a balance beam or uneven bars to qualify?  I don't think that he did!  She's a lovely young lady and I really like her.  But she is not a Person of the Year commodity.) 

And the one that sent me over the edge, Sandra Fluke  (The woman who thinks that people shouldn't have a little personal responsibility and pay for their own freaking birth control? Person of the Year??  You have got to be kidding me!!  She hasn't done anything except for bitch!  Let's not forget that her name is pronounced "Fluck".  As in Fluke you.) 

This is where we're at.  We've gone from people who are presidents and astronauts (and, in some cases, homicidal dictators) to jumpy gymnasts, socialist activists and South Korean pop stars!  We're doomed, I tell you.  Completely and utterly doomed. 

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Got Milk?

Planking.  Owling.  Coning.  You remember all of those brilliant Internet crazes, right?  Well there's another idiotic one to add to the already idiotic list.  Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome, milking to the mix!  Hi, milking! 

If you think that anything other than actual milking (as in cows) that is called milking sounds stupid (a word which I do not use lightly) then you would be correct.  See, when I first heard about it, I thought that it would be people pretending to milk things.  I actually kind of really wish that that's what it was.  But it isn't.  No, instead it's simply people pouring milk over their head.  Wait.  What now? 

Correct.  It's just what I said.  And people love it.  According to The Daily Mail, the video has amassed over 30,000 views in a week. And with stories like this one only bringing more attention to the matter, it's bound to have more shortly.   Not only will it have more views, it will have more people participating in the public wasting of milk and the soiling of clothing.  All for...I'm not sure. 

Somehow, it would seem that we have regressed back to the days of the 1920s when people did things like eat goldfish. But that was during the Depression when people either needed food or entertainment!  We have many, many other forms of entertainment available these days.  Have these blokes never seen the Internet (and the many, many varieties of porn available)?  That aside, I can just hear it now.  Many moons in the future when these fine lads are heard asking, "Dad, why don't I have a job?"  "Well, isn't helping things that all of your prospective employers first impression of you when they go the ol' Google is you pouring milk over your head." 

Should I be happy that they're not doing drugs at least?  I suppose I should, but I'm really not.  Seriously, if they're this enthralled by pouring milk all over themselves, can you imagine what's going to happen if they're ever offered heroin?  I mean, they really seem to enjoy pouring milk over their head.  And I've heard heroin feels pretty good.  I'm guessing (having neither done either one) that heroin feels better than the milk pouring.  They'll be homeless on the street within an hour of that.  OK, I'm probably exaggerating just a bit, but only about the heroin.  See for yourself a video of them and all of their milky glory below. 

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Monday, November 26, 2012

Cyber Monday Isn't Real

So, enough talk about Black Friday (it's not just for black anymore!).  Today was Cyber Monday.  Cyber Monday is the most ridiculous non-event in the history of the Internet, possibly in the history of the world. You know why?  Because it doesn't matter, that's why.

Look, you can almost always get a good deal online on something, anything, if you just look hard enough and are persistent enough.  And people shop online for great deals every day.  Get a little more savvy about things (like how to find and use online coupons which appear to exist for damn near everything) and there go!  Saving money like a pro! 

One of these days, if my Give-A-Damn ever comes back, I'm going to do an in depth research study on the pricing of products before Black Friday/Cyber Monday.  I'm going to figure out how those prices, both before and after, compare to those in the actual store.  Then I'm going to figure out what the lowest possible price is and compare that to something (haven't thought this through all the way).  But then comes to most important part.  I'm going to figure out if the product that is SUCH a great bargain is a piece of crap or not or if it's anything that you even actually would ever want in your entire life! 

Seriously, if you can't find a decent bargain online any other day of the year besides "Cyber Monday" then you have a bigger problem than needing to convince yourself that you're saving ungodly amounts of money. 

(Side note:  I know that this post is short and probably sub-par.  I am simply exhausted.  It's hard coming up with this stuff every single day.  But I'm hoping that you get my general point and won't give up on me.  Thanks.)

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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Just A Little More Black Friday

I've discussed this before, but apparently, I'm going to have to discuss it again. Because somewhere along the line, someone isn't quite getting it. I'm not sure if it's just me that doesn't get it or if it's just the throngs of apparent lunatics who don't get it. But it's definitely one of us. I'm speaking of this absolutely insane "tradition" of Black Friday.

First of all, given as how we're sooooo enlightened and politically correct these days, I'm surprised that someone has allegedly (probably loudly) that calling it Black Friday is racist. You'd think that we would have heard that by now, especially considering all of the other ridiculous things that we have to hear about as being racist. But we don't. And for that ONE little thing, I am glad.
For the rest of it? Yeah, not so much. I'm sure you know the drill. The Friday after Thanksgiving is when the Christmas shopping season "officially starts". And on that Friday, most major retailers (and I'm sure the minor ones as well) offer some pretty good deals on some of their items. The key is that the bargain is only for a limited time and that time is usually a couple of hours. Thus, that has morphed into another new "tradition" of people lining up outside of stores DAYS before they open and camping out to get the best deals. That's right. CAMPING. OUT. Oh, let me tell you this: I would kill, we're talking murder, for that sort of time.

Here's what/who I don't get: You folks at the back of the line. What are you doing? What are you hoping for? Seriously. Those things that have great prices on them that you think that you want? Yeah, you realize that there are only like one or two of those at every store and your chances of getting one, being as how you're 275th in line, are completely zero. Not even slim to none. No. Zero. So why are you there? What do you want?

Is it the thrill of the hunt? Everything that you could possibly want at a good enough price to make it worth standing at the end of the line in the middle of the night is going to be gone when you get in there. How much of a saving is worth that to you people? Look, if 56-inch, flat-screen TVs were on sale for $100 each, that would be worth something, I will agree with you on that one. But they're not. And even if they were, there would only be one or two of them and they would be GONE by the time that you folks who are at the end of the line (that has now wrapped around the block) get up there. The deals are good, but they're really not THAT great unless you're planning on spending a boatload of cash. I read an article online this morning (can't remember where, otherwise I'd link to it) about a woman who had been at the tail end of one of those lines for hours. Hours. And what did she finally end up buying when she made it into the store? Well, it certainly wasn't anything that she had hoped to get because they were all out by the time that she shoved her way in. No, she ended up buying a Candyland game for four dollars.

::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

What does a game of Candyland cost when it is NOT on sale? Eight dollars? Six? I really don't know (even though I loved that game as a child), but I know that I would be willing to pay full price for Candyland as opposed to standing outside in the frigid cold for hours upon hours to get one for the low, low price of four dollars. Are times THAT tough? They can't be.

And one final note: Have you people never heard of the Internet? How great is shopping online? You can be drunk as a skunk, sans pants, still eating leftover turkey and still get what you need/want without leaving the comfort of your home AND without nearly being trampled by a bunch of savages at your local Target store. That's right. The Internet. Check it out. You'll love it.

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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Black Friday Phone Stampede

Let's look at Black Friday a little more in depth. And I mean really look at it. Here is a video of a bunch of alleged human beings acting like complete savage animals. Allow me to make some observations. First of all, this video is courtesy of This is by far the most white people I have ever seen in a World Hip Hop video.

Second, I have seen people in third world countries in line for food and water that are more orderly than this crowd. I might be able to at least understand, if not overlook, this sort of frenzy if the object of desire was something that was needed to sustain human life. But in third world countries where they actually DO wait in lines to get stuff that DOES sustain human life, they don't behave like this. AT ALL.

That brings me to my final point. Do you know what is so freaking important to those folks to obtain that they likely waited outside of the store for hours on Thanksgiving? A phone. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think I meant some sort of spectacular phone like an iPhone or a Galaxy SIII was on sale for $50? Yeah, no. That didn't happen. It was an LG Optimus Logic prepaid cellular telephone. Now, nothing personal LG, but I've never even heard of it. And even if I had, would I think that it was so great that I would be willing to risk life and limb by placing myself in the middle of a stampede? I don't think that I would. And really, how long do you think it's going to be before that thing is obsolete? Oh, wait. It already is. Never mind.

Below is a video of the above described madness. When are stores going to stop this from happening? When are they just going to start handing out vouchers to the people in line and then hand them out in an orderly fashion? Seriously, this notion that this sort of behavior is acceptable on Black Friday is ridiculous. It really gives humans a bad name (and they weren't doing all that great to begin with).

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Friday, November 23, 2012

Black Friday Madness

Black Friday is quite possibly one of the stupidest American traditions that has evolved in recent memory. And as it keeps revolving, it keeps getting more and more ridiculous. This year is no exception as several large retail stores have decided that it's a good idea to open late at night on the actual day of Thanksgiving for "Black Friday". If you've already figured out that opening on a Thursday for an event with "Friday" in the name is asinine, then you're going to love everything about this story.

Wal-Mart has decided that it will open at 8pm on Thanksgiving. There's no real reason for this that makes any sense. It's not like it's going to attract more shoppers. I'm under the impression that you're either the type who wants to go Christmas shopping as soon as you can or you're not. (And really, the Black Friday "deals" that are advertised are really bordering awfully close to being a scam. There are usually only one or two of a certain item at each store for the advertised bargain price. And the items aren't usually as great as they want you to think that they are. You want to pay only $300 for a laptop? Go right ahead. But if you think that your bargain priced $300 laptop is going to work as well as my $800 laptop, think again. That $300 laptop is probably overpriced at $300.) Really, I don't know if shoppers are excited about this or not. But I do know who is not excited about it and that would be the workers.

Some employees of Walmart are flipping out that they have to go into work so that the store can open at midnight. Something about them not being able to spend time with their families. Now, I know absolutely nothing about opening a Walmart store and I know equally as much about working at Walmart. But I do know that opening at midnight shouldn't cut into one's Thanksgiving festivities by that much. Should it? I understand not wanting to go into work on a holiday. I also understand that there are jobs out there where you have to go into work on a holiday. (I worked one of those jobs for 13 years. Hospitals don't care if it's Thanksgiving or not. It's part of the job.) And if you have one of those jobs, you shouldn't really be all that surprised when you're expected to be there on a holiday. But apparently, folks who are working at Best Buy and Target feel differently about all of this than I do.

I'm not so sure that when the unemployment rate in this country is still hovering around eight percent that anyone should be complaining about what their job wants them to do. Shouldn't these folks be happy that they have a job? And really, is going into work at midnight that big of a deal? I don't see how that is going to cut into someone's Thanksgiving time with their family. What time do those people eat, anyway? You have an early dinner, you take a nap afterwards if you're so inclined, and then you show up when you're supposed to. I am not sympathetic to the workers who think that they're being mistreated by having to show up at midnight or 10pm or whatever on Thanksgiving. Yes, I guess it sucks (although I'm still not real clear as to why or how it sucks), but that's kind of how life works. Sometimes, things suck. Sometimes, your work is going to want you to do stuff that you'd rather not do. Am I the only one who understands that concept? I feel like I am.

And really, is anyone surprised that it's come down to this? The way I see it, Thanksgiving is becoming just a huge inconvenience for people who want Christmas to be here NOW. It's become a holiday that everyone just rushes through so that they can get to the Christmas shopping. For years now, people have been lining up outside of stores on Thanksgiving evening to wait until the store doors open at 5am or some other ungodly hour. Those folks don't seem to give a fat rat's ass about being at home on Thanksgiving, so why should the stores? I'm not saying that I agree with that philosophy. I'm just saying that I can see why it's come down to this.

Personally, I think that the whole Black Friday thing has kind of jumped the shark. Trust me, if a store offers a good enough deal but doesn't open their doors until 6am the day after Thanksgiving, there will still be people in line. Do they really think that those extra six hours are going to make or break their bottom line? I don't get it. Then again, the last thing in the world that I would want to do is to line up outside of a store, at night and in the cold so that I can be amongst a swarm of people and attempt to SHOP. Ugh. I don't want shop period, let alone under those circumstances. But good luck to all of you people who think that you're accomplishing something. I hope that works out for you. As far as all of you complaining retail workers, suck it up.

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Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  Holy canoli, what a day.  OK, let's get right down to it.  So, I ran in a 5k this morning and while it's not my favorite thing in the world to do, I'm thankful that I have the ability and the capability to do it.  I'm thankful that I had the means to be able to help out a friend of mine by purchasing everything she needed to have a nice dinner with her family.  I'm thankful that although the average age of everyone at my Thanksgiving (INCLUDING myself) was seventy two, that I had a family to spend the day with.  I'm thankful that I have awesome friends, some of whom have me over to watch football and feed me in the process.  (That's really done wonders for the ol' social anxiety.)  Oh, I'm also thankful for football and food.  And I'm really thankful that, now that Thanksgiving is over, that I won't have to hear this video for at least another year (but hopefully never again). 

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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Thanksgiving Bingo

Now that you're all nice and rightly sloshed from playing the Thanksgiving Drinking Game, it's time to play Thanksgiving Bingo! (This is apparently courtesy of Mark off the squares as they're observed.  (I for one am looking forward to marking off the "Someone Smoking Weed" square.)  I can already come up with nine that are going to be easily checked off within 20 minutes (10 minutes if you only count the drunk aunt).  If I can alter a couple just slightly (like changing 'Creepy Uncle' to 'Awesome Uncle' or changing 'racism' to 'extremely heated political discussion which may or may not involve Israel and a brief history of time') then I am golden.  There are some that I'm hoping to never check (like both explosive diarrhea AND the clogged toilet at the same time).  But I'm fairly certain I can get a bingo before halftime in the second football game.  Let's find out!


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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The HappyPlace Thanksgiving Drinking Game

Getting ready for Thanksgiving?  Of course you are.  Looking forward to all of those relatives in your house?  Eh.  It's probably not being looked forward too just quite as much.  Don't get me wrong.  I dig my relatives, but sometimes, with all of them in the same house at the same time, sometimes it's just a little bit much.  Fortunately, the folks over at HappyPlace have come up with an innovative drinking game to help you make it through the day.  The guidelines are below.  Click the image to enlarge or click on the link above.  It's brilliant, really.  Sheer brilliance.

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Monday, November 19, 2012

Dumb Ways To Die

You know what's great?  What's great is when someone sends you a link to a video that's actually amusing.  Even better is if it's something that you haven't seen before.  Today I have both.  A friend sent me a link to this video and I decided that it was perfect for here (mainly because it gets me out of having to come up with something witty and creative for the day).  Behold! 

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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Worst Superhero Disguise Ever

Slow day today was.  Very.  Slow.  I watched a bunch of videos on YouTube.  I came across some old He-Man videos and I noticed something. He-Man is the alter ego of Prince Adam.  Now, we're not supposed to know that He-Man is actually Prince Adam.  (That's why it's called an alter ego.  Try to keep up.)  So he's supposed to have some sort of a disguise to keep up the ruse.  Well, below is what Prince Adam came up with.  (You'd think that as a prince that he'd have more resources.)  It has to be what is the worst superhero disguise ever.  Behold! 

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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Don't Panic Just Yet

Maybe I'm the one making a mistake here, but I kind of don't think so.  Let me explain.  As I'm sure that you've heard reported breathlessly by reporters or other people, Hostess is going out of business.  They're going to ask a judge permission to liquidate their assets and to cease operations.  That news has the entire country (it seems) going absolutely ape dung over the fact that their suddenly beloved Twinkies will no longer be available. 

See, the thing that everyone seems to be missing is the part about liquidating the assets and such.  The Hostess brand is a profitable brand.  Hostess as a company failed (from what I can tell) because of a combination of mismanagement and union demands that were simply unreasonable in the current economic climate.  (I know.  Shocking that unions aren't the good guys that they're always portrayed out to be.  I'd like to know how those 18,500 workers who were on strike are feeling about their decision now.  Whereas they thought that they were going to make the company give in to their demands, instead they're completely out of a job just a month before Christmas.  Good choice, folks.  Way to run a national treasure into the ground.)  Hostess did not fail because people stopped buying and eating their products.  (Because why would they?  Have you ever had a Ho-Ho for cryin' out loud?  They're delicious.) 

Thus, I'm fairly certain that some company out there is going to snatch up the products.  I understand that Twinkies are on the market for $200,000.  That seems like a bargain to me.  I don't know if all of the products will survive (Dear God, please don't let the Donettes be gone forever), but I'm fairly certain that the big ones will make it.  But yet everyone is running around like crazed madmen and buying every single Hostess product on every single shelf in America.  I'm not so sure that's necessary.  And really, where were all of you people that are buying these things now when Hostess really needed your business?  If you think that these things are so freaking great (and a lot of them really are), then why haven't you been buying them all along and making Hostess a little more profitable? 

People confuse me.  Then again, most people are confused, so I guess that's a contributing factor to all of this for me.  Mark my words, not all of these products are completely dead.  I forsee Little Debbie gobbling up (maybe even literally) some of the Hostess snack cakes.  There has to be a bread company out there that realizes how popular Wonder Bread is.  Just calm down people.  And for God's sake, stop putting these things on eBay.  It's ridiculous.  Not as ridiculous as the people that are buying them, however.  So, maybe you have a point there.  But I still don't think that there's much of a need to panic.

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Friday, November 16, 2012

That's Not Food

Here we go again.  Once again, a restaurant is making a name for itself (or at least, whoring itself out temporarily while its name gets in the news for a couple of days) by coming up with an outrageous food offering.  I've talked about this sort of stunt before and how absolutely asinine it is because usually the item that is being offered has very little to do with food.  Like the hot fudge sundae that is topped with gold shavings.  OK, while I realize that gold is expensive and having that on your hot fudge sundae would increase the price, that shouldn't count as an expensive food because (now stick with me here) gold isn't a freaking food!  And along those same lines, now we have a restaurant called Le Castagne that is serving up a $26,000 truffle dinner. 

According to the Huffington Post, this is a $26,000 truffle dinner for four that does not include tip. What does one get for $26,000? Well, for starters, you get a bunch of unpronounceable food items that I had to look up to figure out what they were. You also get a ridiculous amount of food that you would never have all together if you were eating a normal dinner like a normal person.  It includes a fillet of dover sole stuffed with scallop, beef tartare with marinated pioppini mushrooms, shaved parmesan cheese, quail egg, and white truffle ricotta mousse, shrimp mousse and black truffle beurre blanc, an entire rack of veal with roasted baby potatoes, turnips, bacon, parmesan and shaved white truffle (of course) and a roasted quail with, among other things, something called guanciale (Sound fancy?  It's bacon.  OK, it's bacon made from a pig's cheek instead of a pig's belly.  But the bottom line is that it's still bacon.)  So veal, beef, fish and quail.  Yeah, those are three things that you always see on your plate at the same time.  Are you just supposed to take one bite from each and then wait for the next thing to show up?  What if you really like it?  Can you tell them "I'm really digging this veal.  Hows about you take this raw beef thing with the quail egg plopped in it and bring me more of this veal?" 

You also get some creamy polenta, wild mushrooms, pancetta and shaved white truffles, a puree of pumpkin soup, faro almonds, pumpkin oil and white truffles, a milanese style egg (Lord only knows what that consists of), truffle bread crumb, spinach, roasted cherry tomatoes, truffle vinaigrette and humboldt fog goat cheese and, of course, some tagliatelle con tartufi bianchi pasta with parmesan cheese sauce and white shaved truffle.  (That's fancy pants talk for "spaghetti with mushrooms".)  Dessert is chocolate lava cake with truffle ricotta gelato and honey.  (That does not sound good.)  But wait!  There's more! 

Now, this is supposed to be a meal for four people.  That doesn't change the fact that $26,000 is still ridiculous.  If you were feeding a thousand people for that much money, it might be worth it.  But four people?  Not a chance.  But here's where it goes from plain old expensive to just downright ridiculous.  The meal comes with a watch.  That's right.  A timepiece!  And not just any old timepiece.  No, it's a 47mm Panerai Luminor Submersible 1950 Amagnetic 3 Days Automatic Titanio watch that goes for around $11,000.  And that's all fine and good, but it shouldn't count toward what constitutes an expensive dinner! 

And the dinner is for four people, but there's only one watch included.  How does that work?  I'd be pretty peeved if I had to sit through  a meal like this and someone else got the watch.  What if we were all going Dutch?  Then what?  Why aren't there four watches involved?  That would kick the price up by another $33,000 and make it seem even more outrageous and wild!  Why do you get a watch with your dinner?  Why would you want a watch with your dinner?  Isn't that just a little strange?  Of course it is.  But what's even stranger is that these little expensive meal promotions keep happening and everyone acts like the price of the meal is just for food.  It's not!  A watch isn't food!  Stop putting non-food things with dinner!  It doesn't make any sense!

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Thursday, November 15, 2012

I Get You, Rikku

Some days are easier than others when it comes to finding stuff to put here.  Some days it just falls right into your lap and it's smooth sailing the whole way through.  Other days, well, other days it's not quite so easy.  No, other days it's like an effing chore that you just don't want to do.  Today was kind of one of those days.  Today, I felt like the dog below.  Take a gander at ol' Rikku there and you'll understand how difficult it felt to me today to try to find something to blather on about. 

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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Sexy Man Time

People has named Channing Tatum (of horrible movie 'Magic Mike' fame) as the Sexiest Man Alive for 2012. 
Why do they call it that? Sexiest man alive?  What's the other choice?  Sexiest corpse?

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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Post Election Regret

Haven't done an idiot story in a while.  That's not to say that there's been a shortage of idiots.  Oh, far from it.  They're in abundance.  And here's one of them now!  Meet Eric Hartsburg.  Eric decided that it would be a good idea to auction off space on his face on eBay.  I am having difficulty finding a link to the actual auction, but the way that I understand how it worked was that the highest bidder would be able to make him tattoo whatever they wanted on his face.  Now, I don't know who the winning bidder was, but I do know a little bit about them.  I know that they were either a Republican or that they had a twisted sense of humor.  That's because Eric ended up with a Romney logo tattoo prominently displayed on his face.  Behold! 

There ya go!  That'll help future employment opportunities just fall at your feet.  Mr. Hartsburg received a whopping $15,000 for this tattoo.  Not nearly enough if you're asking me.  According to the New York Daily News, when asked about Romney's losing the election, Hartsburg said, "Totally disappointed, man...I’m the guy who has egg all over his face, but instead of egg, it’s a big Romney/Ryan tattoo. It’s there for life.”  Yes.  Yes, it is there for life.  That's why they call it a tattoo.  It's all permanent and stuff. 

He claims to not have any regrets, saying "I’m a tattoo guy, and it was something fun...I was trying to make politics fun. I didn’t change no lives; I’m no hero. But I shed blood for this campaign, and I’m glad to know that I did all that I could.”  Well, he's right about some things.  He certainly didn't "change no lives".  And while he sort of technically shed blood for the campaign (I suppose), when did that become a part of campaigning?  (And if it is going to be a part, why couldn't it be bloodier and more violent?) 

The article goes on to say that "He said he has learned some lessons from the experience, mainly that “the Republican Party needs quite a bit of reform,” mostly in winning over young voters."  I totally agree that the Republican Party needs to be reformed and needs to bring in young voters.  But I'm not so sure that the way to do that is by getting facial tattoos for your "cause".  I mean, if I were a younger voter and I was trying to decide between the party that tattoos their face and the party that doesn't tattoo their face, I'm gonna go with the non-tattooing party just to be on the safe side. 

I think the worst part about this, other than the actual tattoo itself, is all of the explaining he is going to have to do, say, thirty or forty years from now when he's sixty or seventy and people want to know what happened to his face.  That would be like someone today sporting a Hubert Humphrey facial tattoo from 1968.  (For the record, I had to look up who lost in 1968.  I had absolutely no idea.  I imagine it's going to be the same with Romney in the year 2052.)  How well do you think that would go over?  Yeah, probably about as well as a Romney tattoo on your face today.  Exactly. 

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Monday, November 12, 2012

Happy Veterans Day!

Happy Veterans Day!  Hey, do you wanna do something to show your support for veterans?  I mean really do something besides slapping a ribbon on your car and calling it good.  Something that is going to make a difference.  Something that is going to help the guys who were injured whilst out there fighting for your freedom.  And I mean really injured.  You want to help out.  Here's a suggestion:
Please make a donation to Fisher House.  Let me explain how awesome this organization is.  What it does is provide a place for families to live close by to their loved one who has been injured in the line of duty and is recovering at a nearby hospital.  (One of the long term goals of Fisher House is to have a Fisher House on every major VA hospital in the country.)  Fisher House lets the families live right next to these guys and women who have made a huge sacrifice while serving this awesome country of ours.  Think about how hard it would be to recover from your injuries without your family nearby.  Think about how hard it would be to know that your son or daughter or spouse was in a hospital in a different part of the country than where you were.  Think about how you would pay for your food and your accommodations and your travel if you had to go to the side of your loved one who had been injured.  Fisher House makes it so those things are taken care of.   Fisher House makes it so that those brave soldiers can heal with their family by their side.

 In case your worried about how your donation will be spent, worry no more!  Fisher House Foundation has received an A+ rating from the American Institute of Philanthropy in its “Veterans and Military” category for six straight years. Out of 42 charities rated, Fisher House Foundation is one of four charities to receive an A+ rating. Also, Fisher House Foundation has received the seventh consecutive four-star rating from Charity Navigator - an accomplishment attained by only the top two percent of non-profits they evaluate.  That means that your money goes toward the cause that it is intended to support.  It doesn't go toward advertising.  It doesn't go toward fundraising.  It doesn't go toward salary.  It doesn't go toward administration.  It goes toward building and running more Fisher House buildings next to the VA hospitals in this country.  Look, Since 1990, Fisher House Foundation has served more than 160,000 families and provided over 4 million days of lodging, saving them more than $192 million in lodging and transportation costs.  What more could you want than that?  And why wouldn't you want to be a part of it? 

Any donation helps.  If you can spare five bucks, please consider donating it to this incredible cause.  If you can spare more than five bucks, please consider donating it to this incredible cause.  I don't ask much from you people that read this (other than you keep reading and maybe laugh once in a while), but I'm going to ask for you to seriously consider donating to this organization.  I'll even make it really simple for you.  My absolute favorite morning AM radio show, Armstrong & Getty, are doing a fundraiser this week.  Last year, they raised over $400,000 from their listeners.  They've made it incredibly easy to donate.  Just click this link and then click the big orange Donate Today box.  Or you can click on the Fisher House link I provided above and donate directly from there.  It doesn't matter where you donate from. The only thing that matters is that you donate.  It's an excellent cause.  I give to very few charities, but Fisher House is one that I can whole heartedly get behind and support and I have no problem spreading the word about such a great organization.  Just donate.  Please.  Pretty please?  Thank you. 

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Sunday, November 11, 2012

Shut Up, Pat!

Ever wanted to sit around and have a little discussion with your grandfather about the latest hot pornographic novel that's taking the country by storm?  Of course you don't!  No one does! Why on earth would you?!  But for some reason, the ancient Pat Robertson decided to discuss porn with his much younger female cohort on his show The 700 Club.  (Do people really watch that?  I guess they must since it's been on the air for many years.  I guess I just don't see the appeal.  Then again, it's obviously not made for people like me, so there you go.)  That's right.  He decided to attempt to discuss the appeal of porn for people and then go on to be shocked that people actually watch porn.  (Good Lord, no one turn him loose on the Internet.)  The co-host doesn't seem all that comfortable with the situation and denies watching porn.  (Seems smart.  Even if she did watch porn, I don't know that revealing that to Pat Robertson in the midst of an episode of the 700 Club is the best place to come clean with such an admission.)  Can you blame her?  Watch their uncomfortable interaction below!

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Saturday, November 10, 2012

This Explains A Lot

Remember during the election results when Diane Sawyer was acting and speaking as if she had been kicked in the head by a mule earlier in the day?  The Twitter (and world) speculation seemed to lean toward her being pilled up or drunk.  I leaned that way as well (because I was pilled up and drunk), but I also tried to give the benefit of the doubt that she could have maybe possibly been super tired.  I'm retracting my maybe possibly theory.  I'm going with pilled up and/or drunk.  I base that solely on this footage that I found of Diane Sawyer years ago doing some sort of newscast.  She's in between takes (or stories or however that works with news) and you clearly see her grab her purse from underneath the desk and pull out a prescription pill bottle and remove a pill from it.  Then she washes it down with a sip of red wine!  Right there as she's working!  I don't know how long ago this was, but her hairstyle and general appearance seem to be somewhat of a cross between Princess Diana and Meryl Streep.  I'm not sure exactly where that would date her, but it isn't all that recent.  The point I'm trying to make is that it wouldn't be all that surprising, given this history of similar behavior, if she had over imbibed in or on pills/wine on election night and then went on the air and tried to act like the three electoral votes from Delaware are going to make or break an election.  The video is below.  If it doesn't load click here.  Whaddaya think?  I think that her drinking before doing her newscasts would explain a lot (like why she insists on talking so slow it's as if she's speaking to a five year old who doesn't understand English).

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Friday, November 9, 2012

Donald Trump Loses It

I think that the best part of the election the other day was watching Donald Trump slowly implode on Twitter.  He went from fairly reasonable and sedate when he tweeted "Whoever wins today, remember that tomorrow we still have a country struggling.  Our work is not done until America is strong again." to fairly cuckoo when he tweeted  "We can't let this happen.  We should march on Washington and stop this travesty!  Our nation is totally divided!"  to completely insane when he attacked Brian Williams with a tweet that read "Brian--Thanks dummy--I picked up 70,000 twitter followers yesterday alone.  Cable News just passed you in the ratings".  It was one of the best cyberspace meltdowns that I have ever witnessed.  The Donald has clearly had second thoughts about his election night insanity, as he has deleted a lot of those very tweets from that evening.  But I have them all right here for you and your viewing pleasure.  Behold!  And enjoy! 


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Thursday, November 8, 2012

im not drunk U gusys r dunk

What the what was up with Diane Sawyer on election night?  I don't mean her usual mannerisms, which come across as either her being a little bit dialed back or that she thinks that she's talking to five year olds.  No, election night was different.  She sort of had an air about her that I've experienced before.  It was that of a chick that had imbibed in just a little bit too much champagne.  I know that a lot of people are speculating that she was drunk or pilled up ( a la Paula Abdul) because of how she was acting.  I suppose that she just could have been exhausted, but it doesn't seem that way to me.  There was definitely something going on with her the other night.  Below is a compilation video of her in all of her slurry glory.  At one point, she even appears to be propping herself up on the table with her elbows!  And poor George Snuffleupagus over there.  Just staring blankly at her as she rambles about.  He's one of the great political thinkers that we have in this country and he's stuck at a table with a barely coherent Diane Sawyer.  I'm sure he was just loving that.  Anyway, check out the video below while you can.  It took me a while to find one that hadn't been taken down by ABC. If it doesn't play here, you can see it over at TMZ, my source for drunken celebrity videos.


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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Four More Years

Congratulations, President Barry on winning another term despite an economy in the tank and ridiculously high unemployment numbers.  You are one charismatic dude, I'll give you that.  I am more interested in how your fan base reacts the next time around when their candidate is a boring old white dude.  But in the meantime, we're stuck with you.  So get out there and do something!  ANYTHING!  We're not picky.  We'll take anything at all.  Have at it!  We're waiting.   You go right ahead.  We're right here.  Go on now.  Flap those wings.  Flap 'em!  FLAP! 


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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Don't Rock The Vote

It's here!  It's here!  Election Day is finally here!  The madness will end soon!  (OK, one kind of madness will end soon.  There's always perpetual madness when it comes to politics.)  But unlike a lot of other folks out there, I have a different message for some of you. 

I keep hearing various people talk about how important it is for you to just get out and vote.  And while voting is important, what is more important is knowing what in the hell you're actually voting for.  There was an article in USA Today a little while ago and it broke down the reasons why people didn't vote.  (And by the way, there are 90 million eligible voters who will not be voting in the election.  90 million.  I wish it was 100 million.  People are idiots.  Back to you.)  17% of the people that were surveyed said they weren't going to vote because (wait for it) they didn't know when the election was!  Good Lord...

Didn't know when the election was?!  How in the hell is that even possible?  I think I'm jealous of those people.  To be that oblivious to something that has been saturating all forms of media for so long, that's a talent if there ever was one.  I mean, there has been some sort of Presidential election/campaign coverage on cable news every single day for years.  I realize not everyone has cable, but I find it astounding that 17% of the people polled (and that figure, extrapolated to cover the 90 million that won't vote, comes out to 15.3 million people) don't know when the election is.  Do you really want those people out there voting?  I don't think that you do! 

Imagine if those 90 million dullards actually got out and rocked the vote (to quote the MTV campaign slogan of...1992?).  Can you imagine how different our country would look?  Do you think that they have any idea what the issues are?  Do you think that they have any idea which politician stands for what?  Do you really want them in a voting booth just checking boxes because they sound good enough to vote for?  I don't think that you do!  I know I certainly don't. 

In conclusion, please don't rock the vote.  Please don't encourage others to rock the vote.  In fact, if you know someone who is a dullard who is planning on voting, perhaps try and distract them until it's over.  In the meantime, you just hang tight.  It's almost over.  (And I don't mean that in a literal sense like the world will come to an end if one guy is re-elected over the other guy.)  And things will most likely be OK regardless as to who wins the Presidency.  Think about it.  We've been having a relatively seamless change of government in this country without major havoc for over two hundred years.  That's just amazing to me.  There are some countries out there that can't make it through a Tuesday without a major uprising.  We're going to be just fine, though.  And we'll be even more fine if morons don't vote.  Pass it on.


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Monday, November 5, 2012

Louie Lincoln

Sweet fancy Moses, it's almost over.  Tomorrow.  Tomorrow, thanks to the regular ol' passage of time, we will vote for a freaking President of the United States and I will stop being bombarded by political ads on my TV and swamped with political flyers in my mailbox.  (Wait.  It will stop, won't it?)  Look, in the meantime, distract yourself with this little skit from Saturday Night Live.  It's Louis CK as Abraham Lincoln.  (By the way, if you're not familiar with Louis CK, I suggest that you get yourself familiar with him.  The guy is funny in a different sort of way.  He's not for the kids.  He's not for the stupid.  He's certainly not for stupid kids.)

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Sunday, November 4, 2012

Don't Let Mitt Turn Back Time by Kathy Griffin and Cher

Just two more days.  Two more days until we elect a President to lead us and to cover up slaughters in Benghazi for the next four years.  Or something like that.  In the meantime, there's a rush to get out as many more politically themed "Vote Like This" messages as is possible.  Can it really possibly even matter at this point and time?  (Or is it point in time?  I don't think I really know.  It could be either, really.  They both seem like they could be correct.  It's not like thinking that "For all intents and purposes" is "For all intensive purposes".  Yeah, they sound the same, but the second one doesn't even make sense.  What the hell is an intensive purpose anyway?  You don't know because it isn't a thing.  But I digress.  Where was I?  The election?  Yeah, the election!)  I don't know if it can, but I guess that Cher and Kathy Griffin do think that it can.  At least, I'm assuming that they think that because they put out this little video/service announcement thing telling us that it will be the end of women as we know them if Mitt Romney is elected.  They don't exactly say how that will happen, but they don't make it sound pleasant.  Naturally, most of it centers around abortion.  What else would it center around?  Isn't that all women ever think about?  How and when and how many abortions they're going to get?  Isn't that what rules our day?  All the abortion thought?  Day and night!  We worry about abortions!  Good Lord.  Regardless, for some reason, the way that they did their little message made it not as sanctimonious as most of the celebrity endorsements of whatever (usually/almost always Democrat) political leanings that they have.  I actually kind of liked it.  And that's really saying something because I hate this sort of crap.  So, their video of fear mongering mixed in with humor is below.  Enjoy!  

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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Origins Of Stupidity

Shouldn't Octomom be off fake rehabbing herself at her fake rehab and leaving the public alone?  You'd think.  But then again, you'd also think that someone who was the single mother to six children wouldn't go off and get herself knocked up with octuplets, so....that's what we're working with here. 

Octomom issued a statement from rehab in what appears to be a response to Lindsay Lohan's nutjob father, Michael, saying that he "...helped organize an intervention that helped convince Nadya Suleman she needed help" according to TMZ. Really?  She feels the need to distance herself from Michael Lohan?  Because if she was associated with Michael Lohan then her stellar reputation would be tarnished somehow?  At least that guy comes into money once in a while.   That's more than I can say for her. 

But wait!  There's more!  (Of course there is.)  Her full statement reads: "I chose to seek treatment after consulting with my manager regarding my recent use of Xanax, which was prescribed by my physician for panic attacks.  There were no other people involved with me entering treatment other than my manager and myself. There was no  intervention that took place.  I am working in therapy every day with my doctors and therapists regarding the origin of these attacks so as not to have to rely on medications to handle it.  I am paying for my own treatment; I am finding my voice here."  Wait.  What now? 

First of all, I don't believe for one effing second that she is paying for her own treatment.  Or if she is, it's because it's covered by MediCaid and she considers that it isn't technically welfare that she's paying for it.  Mark my words that she is not coughing up cash out of her own pocket to pay for thirty days of rehab.  I guarantee you that.  But that's not that part that I'm just stunned about.  It's the part where she says "I am working in therapy every day with my doctors and therapists regarding the origin of these attacks so as not to have to rely on medications to handle it."  What now? 

She's working in therapy every day in regard to the origin of her panic attacks?  I can figure those out right now.  Not in one day.  Not even in one minute.  No, I can figure that out in one second.  Ready?  Pay attention now.  It's because you have FOURTEEN CHILDREN.  The origin of the panic attacks was having fourteen children and no means to support them (other than touching yourself to satisfaction on camera for money).  That's the origin!  How in the hell can she not know that?! Next! 

Besides, how is learning the "origin" of the alleged panic attacks going to help?  She has fourteen kids, she's dumb as a post, she's a disaster of a human being and she has no income.  There are the origins.  Now what?  Short of putting the children into homes that are able to take care of them (and homes that do not currently have fourteen children), what is she planning on doing?  There's nothing that can be done.  Nothing.  Oh, wait.  There is one thing.  She can suck it up, buttercup.  God, I loathe this woman.

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Friday, November 2, 2012

Mr. Burns Endorses Romney

Four days until the election.  Thank God.  Seriously, it's exhausting me.  I'm resorting to cartoons, no matter how one sided they may be.  Relax.  It's the Simpsons.  You can't not like the Simpsons.  Besides, it's just Mr. Burns.  It's hard not to like that elderly closeted homosexual centenarian.  Look, it beats listening to President Barry or wannabe President Mitt.  (If he wins, I'm going to call him by his real first name, Willard, for the next four years.  I'm easily entertained.)  I give you, Mr. Burns. 

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Thursday, November 1, 2012

Tough It Out

You know what? Inexplicably, I've been thinking about this whole Octomom going into rehab thing. I know I voiced my obvious displeasure with the whole situation the other day, but I think that I left a few obvious things out of that screed. Allow me to continue my rant...

See, she has children. Yes, it's an abnormally high amount of children (that she never should have been allowed to have in the first place, but I digress), but that's her problem. (And it really IS quite a problem. I mean, can you imagine? Fourteen children? Jesus.) Now, her manager (She can afford a manager?) claims that even though she has been prescribed Xanax and has been taking it that she is NOT addicted to it. No, on the contrary. See, this rep, a one Gina Rodriguez, claims that, according to the New York Daily News, "She was prescribed Xanax for her anxiety attacks, she was not addicted to it. She has an overabundance of stress and exhaustion and wanted to deal with it with out prescription drugs." Well, how in the hell are you going to do that WITHOUT prescription drugs? She has fourteen children! And really, ANY amount of children will ALWAYS bring with it stress and exhaustion. You know why? Because they're children, that's why! What'd you expect? A picnic?

But really, are you going to tell me that learning how to deal with "stress" and "exhaustion" is something that is an inpatient process? Really? You can't learn how to deal with stress (that isn't going away for at least eighteen years) on an outpatient basis? And how in the world is she going to learn to "deal with" exhaustion? She has fourteen kids! Get used to being exhausted, sweetheart. But for some reason, she feels that being away from her children for thirty days is going to help her do...something...different? I fail to see how this is going to help anything.

But here's my point:  Tough s***.  She doesn't get to abandon her children because she's stressed out.  And that's exactly what it is.  Abandonment.  I'm not saying that they're not better off without her (as I kinda think that they need to be in a different environment without so many children), but what I'm saying is that when you're a parent, that's your job.  That's your deal.  And you deal with it.   Maybe if she didn't want to be so stressed out and so exhausted, perhaps, just perhaps, she shouldn't have had fourteen children when she was a single individual with very little means to support herself (I'm sorry, but solo porn does not count as a talent you can fall back on when times are tough).  Perhaps. 

 This is all a bunch of crap no matter which way you look at it. Granted, if anyone in the world should be on Xanax, it's probably her. And along that same vein, if there was anyone in the world who I would assume was abusing Xanax, it'd be her. This whole story sounds fishy to begin with if you're asking me. I've read speculation that she has a drinking problem. (She could drive me to drink, so I don't find it too far out of the realm of possibilities that she drives herself to drink.) This has "cover up" or "ploy" written all over it. Here's to hoping that the people at the "rehab" that she's at will convince her to farm out her children into someone else's care besides her own.

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