Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Hypocritical Anti-Chicken-ites

I can't stand anymore of this nonsense over what the founder of Chick Fil A had to say about marriage.  That's right.  What he said about marriage.  He didn't come out and blast the gays for being gay.  He didn't come out and say how he hated all gay people.  No, what he said was that he is in favor of traditional marriage.  Does that surprise anyone, really?  We have known for a long time that he runs his business based on traditional Christian values.  The place is closed on Sunday, for cryin' out loud!  You show me another national chain that closes on Sunday.  Not closes early.  Closes.  There aren't any that I'm immediately aware of.  The In-N-Out people have bible verse numbers on the bottom of their cups.  But you know what the difference is between the Chick Fil A guy and the In-N-Out guy?  The In-N-Out guy has kept his mouth shut about what he thinks.

Here's the thing that I want to point out to most of the mainstream media who inexplicably have left this aspect out of the one-sided "discussion" of this topic.  The majority of states in this country have put the issue of gay marriage to a vote of the people and the majority of states in this country have voted against the issue.  And we're not talking just about the Bible Belt and the bass-ackwards parts of the South (no offense to you Southerners who are ass forward), either.  California, a state which could not be any bluer if it held it's breath, voted against gay marriage!  And then this chicken guy says he favors traditional marriage in the same manner that the majority of the country voted and he's suddenly being crucified and threatened with being run out of town. 

Allow me to point out something else that the regular media refuses to point out.  Mr. Cathy (he's the chicken guy) hold the exact same viewpoint that a one President Barry himself held until just a few weeks ago!  Why was no one all over President Barry's ass (except for Michelle, because she's allowed to be on whatever part of him that she wants) about it?  It's OK for the President to prefer opposite marriage (thank you, Miss California), but it's not OK for a guy who just wants to sell yummy, yummy chicken?! 

Along those same lines, The Muppets have formally announced that due to the gay marriage stance that the founder of Chick Fil A holds, they will no longer be doing business with them.  Wait a minute.  I know I've seen Muppets at the White House!  So when President Barry was against same sex marriage, how come the Muppets didn't boycott him?!  And why are we acting like The Muppets have a mind of their own when they're really just super cute and fuzzy little puppets with someone's hand up their bottom?!  (I'm clearly partly guilty of this, but at least I'll admit it!) 
I don't understand all of the outrage and all of the subsequent boycott threats, not just from people, but from mayors of cities who do not want a Chick-Fil-A establishment in their town.  I guess people can't have differing opinions anymore?  And they're SO freaking hypocritical about it!  Ed Lee, mayor of the uber lefty San Francisco, has said that Chick Fil A is not welcome in his town.  Wait a minute, Ed.  When President Barry was against gay marriage, did you tell him that he wasn't welcome in your city?  Or did you welcome him there with open arms for him to do all of his ridiculously lavish fundraising?  I'm guessing it was the latter (because it was).  And Rahm Emmanuel, you're unbelievable.  You campaigned for President Barry when he was just Senator Barry.  You were his freaking Chief of Staff!  And you did all of those things while he was against gay marriage?!  So why, WHY is it OK for you to be against the chicken guy!? 

And let's also not forget that the day after that hypocrite Rahm Emanuel came out anti Chick Fil A, he was standing there practically arm in arm (not unlike gay marriage itself) with that anti-Semite and foe of gay marriage, Louis Farrakhan!  Now, Louis Farrakhan does hate people.  He hates certain people with a passion.  That whole Nation of Islam dealio isn't exactly the most level-headed group on the planet.  The Chik Fil A guy doesn't hate gay people.  He's just in favor of traditional marriage.  Louis Farrakhan hates gay people.  AND he's against gay marriage!  But having Louis Farrakhan in your city is just fine and dandy with Rahm, but a guy who just wants to sell chicken is not fine?  What the what? 

Why does it seem like I'm the only one who is aware of this?!  Why isn't the regular media saying anything about this?  (And by "doing anything", I mean reporting.)  Isn't that their job?  It's not my "job".  I'm not regular media.  I'm...well...I'm this.  And this certainly isn't regular by any means.  But by God, at least it's accurate!  We're so freaking doomed.  Doomed! 

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Monday, July 30, 2012

Oh Say Can You Stop?

Now, the You Tube title of this video says that it is the "Worst Ever" rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.  I've heard worse.  Then again, I've definitely heard better, too.  Regardless, this is pretty bad.  What makes it very entertaining, however, is the looks on the faces of the crowd as this way too long version seems to be endless.  That it sucked didn't help how long it actually felt like.  And I'd just like to make it clear that I'm not making fun of an 11-year old.  This isn't her fault.  She seems pretty pleased with her own act and it can only be an adult that got her to this point.  I fault them.  I'm making fun of them, not her. And adult is the one who condones this sort of thing.  I picture the adult(s) involved here to be the pageant mom types that you'd find on Toddlers and Tiaras.  You know, the kind that push their kid into doing something that the entire world is going to hate them for?  The kind who are fulfilling their own fantasies and their own life dreams through their kids?  Yeah, those people.  I loathe those people.  Anyway, here's the likely product of that sort of parenting.  Behold! 

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Sunday, July 29, 2012

Nervous Olympic Parents

Can you imagine how nerve wracking it would be to watch your kid perform in the Olympics?  Especially at a sport like gymnastics where they have to do a million different things just right in order to get ahead?  It would be hard to stay composed the entire time.  As you can tell by watching Aly Raisman's parents, it's very hard for them to just sit there and watch.  Their nervousness and enthusiasm for their daughter is highly entertaining.  Behold!

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Saturday, July 28, 2012

Olympic Drinking Game

The Olympics opened up last night. Did you watch the opening ceremony? If you didn't, it's kind of hard to describe unless you're tripping on acid. It was weird, to say the least. I could have used a drink. Oh, look! Here's a drinking game! It should come in handy throughout the Olympics, I'm sure. Give it a try. Behold!

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Friday, July 27, 2012

How Not To Yank It In Public

Fred Willard, elderly comedian and funny person, was allegedly caught yanking it in an adult theater a couple of weeks ago.  First things first. I realize that he's 78 and all, but isn't he aware that there is plenty of porn on the Internet?  And by "plenty" I mean that you could never watch the same lewd act twice and NEVER run out of porn to watch.  To say that porn on the Internet is omnipresent is a bit of an understatement.  It's everywhere.  You really can't miss it, even if you tried!  There it is!  So, could someone please get this man a laptop?  And a den?  Who goes out in public for these things anymore?  I guess enough people to warrant an entire theater dedicated to such debauchery, but that's really quite surprising.  And it seems like a lot of extra work.  I mean, you have to put on your pants to actually go there.  But once you're there, you really don't want those pants on.  But yet, you chose to be panted and to go there, even though you'd rather depant and yank it.  I don't get it. 

But here's the thing:  I guess that instead of actually pressing charges against the 78-year old funnyman, they decided that they would give him the option of enrolling in a "diversion program".  OK, what in the hell is that all about?  What goes on in that class?  I'm envisioning it something like this:  "OK, soooooo, you're in public...and you want to masturbate.  Don't.  Any questions?  Let's take the quiz.  True or false.  Only one question.  'If you are in public and want to masturbate, you should do that.'  "True."  "No, no, NO!  Jesus!  We've been over this seven times already.  Let's go over it again!  Get out your syllabus.  For the last time, if you're in public and you want to masturbate, don't.  Got that?  DON'T.  Let's try the quiz again."  Seriously, what else could it be?! 

And what's that going to be like with an entire room full of public masturbators?  What if one of them starts to the "the urge?"  What if he looks at another guy and goes, "Hey....are you....you know....kinda feelin' like..."  And the other guy goes, "Yeah!  Me too!"  Next thing you know, the entire class is unzipping and the instructor is yelling, "No, no, NO!  See, THIS is the PROBLEM!  You're IN public!  You CAN'T masturbate!  Zip up and  grab your syllabus.  And that is NOT a euphemism!" 

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Thursday, July 26, 2012

Leave Kristen And Rob Alone!

Do you know who Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are?  They're the two people from the Twilight movies I guess.  They play vampires or werewolves or something like that.  And their off-screen appearance is that of the undead as well.  Go figure.  Anyway, they were a couple until she cheated on him with the director from a different movie that she did.  I thought that you were supposed to sleep with the director before you got the part, but whatever.  And while you might think that her affair is just all tabloid gossip, it was kind of confirmed when she gave a statement to People Magazine stating that she cheated on him and that she is sorry and blah, blah, blah.  (If I'm her soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, I'm thinking, "Hey, thanks for telling the entire world that you cheated on me.  Thanks for making this relationship public instead of private.  Oh, and thanks for banging some other guy as well.  Yeah, thanks for all of that."  And I'm sure that the married dude that she had an affair with is just thrilled with her public admission as well.)  And some people are pretty upset about the whole ordeal. 

Naturally, when I say "some people" I certainly don't mean myself.  Good Lord, I barely knew that these two people even existed.  By some people, I'm referring to at least one person who calls herself nuttymadam3575 on YouTube.   She posted a video where she tearfully wonders how in the world Kristen Stewart could ever cheat on Robert Pattinson.  It has a bit of the Chris Crocker "Leave Britney alone!" feel to it, but only a little bit calmer and with a British accent.  This woman is clearly a fruit loop.  But it's kind of entertaining which is why I'm sharing it with you.  The blubbering Brit is below.  Behold! 

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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

He Said Yell!

Sometimes, even I just need a break from the snarky and the snippy. Today was one of those days. So here's a short video of a very small child who has somehow managed to be the leader of a celebratory crowd. It's pretty cool in that the kid isn't quite sure that he knows what's going on, but I think that he thinks he might like it. Behold!

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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Sad, But Crazy

They've released the mugshot of the guy who shot all of the people at the theater in Colorado.  He looks about like I expected him to look.  He looks crazy.  Sad, but crazy. And I have the feeling that's how this whole ordeal is going to turn out to be.  Sad, but crazy. 

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Monday, July 23, 2012

Step One: Remove Statue

So they took down the statue of Joe Paterno over there at Penn State yesterday.  Seems like a good move to me.  It's hard to justify having a statue of a guy who chose football over the safety of young boys.  And he was so worried about how it would "look" if they let people know that they had an active pedophile doing horrific things on their campus.  Seems to me that if he was so worried about how things look, it's the right thing to do to take the statue down.  After all, how would it look if they just left it up there?  What would people think?  Yeah. 

But as I'm reading this article over yonder at the Huffington Post and I am just astounded at some of the quotes that they have from people on that campus. Seriously, are they not aware what went down?! Are they not aware that Joe Paterno KNEW what Sandusky was doing and that he did nothing about in?! And by the way, what he "was doing" was raping little boys in the shower. Just so we're clear. Let's take a look at some of these softheads and where their priorities stand.
First we have the Paterno family who are still fighting the futile fight to try and have Joe Paterno's legacy be something other than the guy who shielded a child molester.  They said that  the statue's removal "...does not serve the victims of Jerry Sandusky's horrible crimes or help heal the Penn State community."  I'm going to disagree.  I think that it does serve the victim's of Sandusky in the way that finally, finally someone is doing something, anything to show that football doesn't come first.  That's what all of this was about to those guys at Penn State.  Football was first.  Boys being raped was second.  Taking down the statue shows that you just can't look the other way and expect to be thought of the same way and that things will always be the same.  Nope.  It changes everything.  And one of the things that gets to change is that the person who could have stopped it does not get to be immortalized with a statue as if he was a great guy.  Statues aren't for people who aren't great.  There aren't any Jeffrey Dahmer statues out there to my knowledge.  There's a reason for that.  And there's a reason that there isn't a Joe Paterno statue anymore either. 

Next we have a one Mary Trometter who sported a shirt with Paterno's picture on it.  She said, "I think it was an act of cowardice on the part of the university." What?!  Uh, lady, what was an act of cowardice was Joe Paterno not going straight to the police fourteen years ago when he knew what Sandusky was doing!  You want a statue of a guy who does nothing when young boys are being raped because his football program is more important to him?!  She also said that she "...felt betrayed by university officials, saying they promised openness but said nothing about the decision until just before the removal work began."  YOU felt betrayed?!  How do you think those boys felt when Joe Paterno did nothing?!  YOU feel betrayed?! Good Lord. 

Then there's 31-year old university construction project coordinator Derek Leonard.   "He didn't completely agree with the decision but worried more that the NCAA would shut down the football program.  "It's going to kill our town," he said."  Again, just worried about the football program!  Nothing about the boys that were molested and raped.  Just only concerned about what it means for football.  Why is there not more anger about how these guys did nothing to protect little boys?!  I'm so confused. 

Then there's 67-year old Richard Hill. His feelings on the matter are: "If you punish the football program or Joe Paterno – they're tied together – this town is going to suffer. The revenue does an awful lot to keep this town viable and lively."  First of all, Joe Paterno is dead, so it's going to be a little difficult to punish him directly.  But again, this is someone who just wants everyone to do NOTHING!  God forbid if anyone pay any consequences over their inactions because it might hurt the football program.  Sorry!  I guess Joe Paterno should have thought of that before he decided to just keep on letting Sandusky bring little kids into the shower so that he could have his way with them.  Jesus, what is wrong with these people? 

We also have 40-year old Colby Walk.  This guy  "...wondered why an NCAA punishment was necessary, given the criminal charges, officials fired or forced out, Paterno's death and now the statue's removal."It's kind like we already have the death penalty," he said, referring to the worry that the NCAA would shut down the Penn State football program."  WHAT?!  You wonder why a punishment is necessary?!  The people who were in charge of the football program allowed a known pedophile to use their campus for his sick and twisted deeds for YEARS!!  You don't think that warrants some sort of a punishment?!  You think that it should just be "Go Nittany Lions!"?!  What is wrong with you, sir?  I'm sure that if it was your 10-year old son who was raped in the shower that you'd feel the same way?  Uh-huh. 

And finally, we have the guy who made the statue,  Angelo Di Maria.  He said that he was "upset" that his statue was being taken down?  Really? Upset?  Because he wanted his rendition of a guy who protects pedophiles to stand forever?  He said, "His legacy should not be completely obliterated and thrown out. ... He was a good man. It wasn't that he was an evil person. He made a mistake."  A good man?  A good man doesn't turn the other way and not do anything about child molestation.  A good man doesn't choose his football program over the safety of little kids.  And a mistake?  It wasn't a mistake.  According to the emails, it was a calculated move to not say anything to protect his football program.  That's not a mistake.  That is a decision that is a direct reflection of someone's character.  A mistake?  Holy crap. 

So, it would appear that all of those involved with Penn State are just complete softheads who only care about their beloved football program.  Nothing else matters, including the sodomization of small children.  I honestly don't know what to say about these attitudes other than it scares the holy crap out of me.  Wow.  Just wow.  What a bunch of self-serving idiots.  I'm going to end this thing by paraphrasing a Tweet from Rob DenBlyker of the Cyanide and Happiness comic.  I guess that these people who are so upset about the statue being removed would prefer that everyone just take the "Joe Paterno" approach to everything that went on and just look the other way?

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Sunday, July 22, 2012

Don't Do Drugs, Kids

This headline appeared in a newspaper in Canada.  Don't do drugs, kids.

And as a friend of mine noted, this is a funny headline, but does the story really warrant six columns of information about the incident?  Hard to imagine.  But then again, it is Canada.  This might be a big deal for them. 

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Saturday, July 21, 2012

You Can't Regulate Crazy

Once again, we have a crazy person who decided (for whatever reason) to shoot a bunch of people in a public setting.  This time it was James Holmes and he decided the best way to be his sort of crazy would be to shoot anyone and everyone that he could inside a packed theater during the midnight premiere of the last Batman movie.  And as always seems to happen with these sorts of things, I keep hearing people ask about his "motive". 

I've said it hundreds of times before and multiple times on this blog.  There are a whole lot of different kinds of crazy.  James Holmes is just one kind of crazy.  Motive?  I don't know that he could tell you his motive.  You know why?  Because he's crazy.  Crazy people don't have motives.  You know why?  Because they're crazy, that is correct.  And is it going to help anything to know what his motive was if he did have one?  I can't imagine that it would.  ("Oh, he wanted to impress Jodie Foster?  Oh, OK then.  I get it."  No, that wouldn't happen like that.  In fact, it might make it worse.)

I'm so sorry that this happened.  Thinking of all of the people who lost people that they knew and loved to something that is never going to make any sense makes me want to cry.  And if I thought that there was some way to prevent things like this from ever happening again, I'd be all for anything that would do just that.  But you can't regulate or control crazy.  And it's not going to do any good to try.  So how about if we just let ourselves be sad?  It'll be OK.  It'll feel like hell, but it's supposed to.

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Friday, July 20, 2012

You People?

Seriously, Mitt Romney could be the most brilliant guy on the planet, the only guy who is capable of making things get better in this country to return us to our thriving, economic superpower roots, but we're never going to know about it because of the idiotic things that people on his campaign (mostly including himself) say when they're asked questions about him and the things that he's doing or not doing.  This time it's his wife, the lovely Ann Romney, who has managed to say something that I find just unthinkable. 

Here's the thing:  Mitt has been holding back on releasing any of his past tax records.  But the other day, he finally came through!  That's right!  He released ONE years worth of his taxes.  One.  And he says that he doesn't intend on releasing any more.  Yeah, that's not going over well with everyone.  Not just Democrats.  Republicans are face palming over his perceived indignation on the issue.  And those are reasonable reactions from both sides.  So what you're going to want to do if you're in the Mittster's camp is to try to diffuse the hostilities coming at you from all angles.  How you're not going to want to do this is use the phrase "you people". 

That's right.  Whilst Ann Romney was on Good Morning America with the delightful Robin Roberts, the subject of Mitt's tax returns came up.  Ann made sure to point out that they tithe ten percent to their church and then used that as a lead-in to ask if that's the sort of person who would be trying to hide things.  That argument doesn't really fly so well with me (and I'm assuming with anyone else who is paying attention) because just because you're church going or active in your church doings, that doesn't mean that you're a great person who can do no wrong.  It means that you are active in your church is what it means.  It doesn't necessarily mean anything else. But then she said this.

"We've given all (you) people need to know and understand about our financial situation and about how we live our life and so, the election again will not be decided on that.  It will be decided on who will turn the economy around and how are jobs going to come back to America."

Now, I put the "you" in parenthesis because it's not totally clear if that's what she said.  But if something is kind of iffy, I prefer to err on the side of the overly inflammatory.  Regardless, that's a crap answer.  No, Ann.  You haven't give all that people need to know.  That's not how it works.  Mitt has always come across to me as a guy who isn't used to people asking things of him and him needing to be accountable for those things because someone else wants him to be.  Mitt comes across to me as the type of guy who does what he wants because he's the boss and he really doesn't give a crap what people think of that.  Now his lovely wife is coming across the same way.  That's not going to work very well.

I cannot believe that this guy has hired people to work for him and to run his campaign this way for him.  Does he not have handlers that might have stepped up and told either one of them that people who might potentially vote for you don't appreciate being talked down to as if they're children?  That aside, the guy has been wanting to run for President for at least eight years.  I'm guessing that there isn't anything illegal in his tax returns, but that there are numerous examples of his taking advantage of several tax loopholes, having accounts in the Caymans, etc.  And for the last eight years, did no one advise him that it might be a good idea (if you're wanting to run for President) not to do those things?  You've got over $200 million, Mitt.  What say you stop using some of the loopholes for the years preceding your wanting to be President?  What say you close those accounts in the beautiful Cayman islands and move that money to a bank on our shores?  You know, so that you'll be able to release more than one year of your taxes when the time comes. 

The clip of Ann Romney being interviewed by Robin Roberts is below.  She doesn't exactly come across as someone that I would consider likable.  She comes across as uppity.  No one likes uppity.  I know this isn't a popularity contest, but there is a certain percentage of votes that can be gained or lost depending on whether or not people like you.  She has given a great example of how to not get people to like you. 

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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Sweet Brown Returns

You remember Sweet Brown, right?  She's the amusing lady whose apartment building caught on fire and she "ran for her life" but not before getting bronchitis and later proclaiming "Ain't nobody got time for dat!"  Well, she's back and she's cashing in on her Internet fame.  That's right.  She's made a commercial for something called 18002SellHomes.  Yes, I realize that the number 2SellHomes has about three letters/numbers too many for a standard number.  I never really understood that.  I mean, if they don't care how many letters are in their number, why not just make it a complete sentence or something more catchy?  They could have gone with ToSellHomes instead of using the 2 and pretending like they're the Artist Formerly Known As Prince But Then Known As Something Else Before He Was Known As Prince Again.  But I digress.  I also I didn't write the ad.  I'm just passing it along to you.  Good for Miss Sweet Brown for getting a little something out of this.  I, myself, found her to be more entertaining than ol' Antoine Dodson.  But I must have been in the vast minority, because she didn't quite take off like Antoine did.  But she's helping someone sell homes, so there's that.  Behold! 

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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Say Something! Anything!

By now, I'm sure that you've heard the absurd statement that President Barry made to a bunch of people in Roanoke, Virginia on Friday (I think).  If you've gloriously been living under a rock, here is, in part, the most inflammatory part of what he said (this from ABC News):

"There are a lot of wealthy, successful Americans who agree with me, because they want to give something back.  They know they didn’t -look, if you’ve been successful, you didn’t get there on your own.  You didn’t get there on your own.  I’m always struck by people who think, well, it must be because I was just so smart.  There are a lot of smart people out there.  It must be because I worked harder than everybody else.  Let me tell you something – there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there." 

Yeah, hard to imagine why people might be a little annoyed at that sort of diatribe.  Successful people didn't get there on their own?  I have the feeling that folks like the Wright Brothers might disagree with that statement.  Or Walt Disney.  Or Ray Kroc.  Or Henry Ford.  Or Colonel Sanders.  Or Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak.  Or...well, I think you get my point.  I'm not sure what he was getting at (because I am having a hard time believing that what is he said is exactly the point that he wanted to get across), but that's not what I'm going to harp on right now.  It was a ridiculous thing to say and I don't think that he should have said it.  Couldn't that be exceptionally damaging with the election only four months away?  (And when I say 'only', I absolutely mean 'November cannot get here fast enough because I can't take any more of this'.) 

Not if Mitt Romney is your opponent, apparently.  Where has Mitt been after President Barry said this?!  Why hasn't he jumped all over this?!  It was obviously a moronic thing to say.  Why doesn't Mitt jump on these opportunities when they present themselves in such a blatant and obvious fashion!?  It's inexplicable is what it is!  I don't get it.  Maybe Mitt is qualified to be President.  I have no idea (other than I don't think that he is).  But he doesn't even seem like he's qualified to run for President!  This is a no-brainer and he hasn't made a peep about it!  What is wrong with him?  Who are his advisers?  Why aren't they doing anything?  Why doesn't he notice?  So, SO many questions and so very few answers (that don't involve just sheer incompetence). 

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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Poor Bing

Do you ever use Bing?  Of course you don't.  And you don't know anyone who does.  And do you know who knows that?  That's right.  Bing.  Try it.  Go to Bing (you'll have to type it into your address bar because it most certainly isn't in your Bookmarks) and type in "no one uses" and see what comes up.  Don't have that kind of time?  Allow me.  Behold! 

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Monday, July 16, 2012

That's An Emergency All Right

Sylvester Stallone's son, Sage Moonblood (yes, Moonblood), was found dead the other day.  He was only 36, so one would have to think that there was something afoot other than natural causes.  But really, in the grand scheme of things, who cares?  Well, it would seem like the lawyer for the young Mr. Stallone cares quite a bit because he's going out of his way to give reasons for the death that I find to be rather amusing. 

Well, for starters, I know that the lawyer saying that a "health emergency" could have caused his death is one of the more amusing attempts at spin that I've heard in quite some time.  That's according to the Daily News. A health emergency! Yes, I'd say that anything that your body is going through that causes your subsequent demise is indeed a "health emergency"!  That's just a silly thing to say. 

Look, it seems likely at this point that the guy died from an overdose of prescription medication.  OK, fine.  Accidents happen.  But for some reason, people just do not like to admit when a celebrity has made a mistake that kills them.  And I don't get that.  Dead is dead and at that point, how they came to be dead is probably the least of the worries that one should have.  Then again, I'm not a celebrity (thank God), so what do I know? 

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Sunday, July 15, 2012

Breaking Bad Sitcom

The TV show Breaking Bad returns tonight on whatever channel it's on.  It's a fairly intense show.  That's why I find it even more amazing that someone was able to piece together parts from the show and have it appear as if it were a sitcom.  A bad sitcom.  Likely from the late 80s or early 90s.  Complete with laugh track.  Yes, it's that bad.  Behold! 

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Saturday, July 14, 2012

He's Kind Of Old, Isn't He?

Both Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have quit American Idol.  Naturally, they're going to have to be replaced.  We can't have just Randy sitting there all by himself saying, "Yo, dawg" without anyone to back him up or disagree with him.  And we're going to need someone who really has their finger on the pulse of what America wants in terms of their next pop singing star.  We're going to want someone who can relate to the American Idol audience and be someone that we look forward to seeing every week.  We're going to want...Jerry Lewis? 

That's right.  For some reason, according to USA Today, "...Jerry Lewis, who was mentioned on Nigel Lythgoe's wish list with Charlie Sheen, is definitely in the mix." In the mix?! In the mix of what?! Poligrip and Metamucil?!  Don't even get me started on what I think about that crazed loser Charlie Sheen.  Why on earth anyone would think that we want his weekly opinion on anything other than blow and hookers (which I will readily admit that he is more than qualified to judge and should probably be listened to) is beyond me.  But Jerry Lewis?  When was the last time he sang with Dean Martin (who died 17 years ago at the age of 78)?  More importantly, who cares?!  Actually, I take that back.  Who remembers?!  I'll tell you who remembers.  Everyone who is NOT watching American Idol, that's who. 

Jerry Lewis?  You have got to be kidding me.  In a way though, this is kind of typical of how American Idol does things.  Ever pay close attention to the guests that they have on the very last show?  Almost no one is currently relevant.  Actually, almost no one is even recently relevant.  Sure, they have feel good people on there like Neil Diamond, but is he really going to hit the mark with the majority of American Idol's target audience?  Hardly.  Then they always trot out some ridiculously old rocker who doesn't know he's ridiculously old (eg, Iggy Pop and Rod Stewart, both of whom performed sans shirts for reasons that are still being questioned by everyone who had to witness that atrocity of nature, not to mention the optometrists who had to treat said viewers).  There's the defunct pop-star (Chaka Khan is still alive?), the one-hit wonders (Herman's Hermits, anyone?) the recent American Idol contestants who may or may not have won (we can't remember) that come back to try and plug their album that will end up selling 25,000 copies (mostly to churches holding raffles).  All of those "acts" the American Idol people feel are a good idea and add something to the show.  They don't.  They never had.  And now, with the possible inclusion of Jerry Lewis, we're going to have that same sort of irrelevance and confusion all season long.  Grand! 

I had a hard enough time following this last season of American Idol without my interest waning about two episodes into the real deal.  I cannot take five months of Jerry Lewis and/or Charlie Sheen.  And what if Jerry dies halfway through the season?!  That's kind of going to put a damper on things, isn't it?  Will the contestants have to sing funeral songs the following week?  It's just a bad idea all the way around.  If they don't want to do American Idol anymore, just say so.  No need to run it into the ground before you go. 

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Friday, July 13, 2012

Breaking News Or Something

BREAKING NEWS!  Well, according to the Huffington Post it's breaking news.  For me, it might be my breaking point. Brace yourselves.  Jimmie Walker is not a fan of President Barry.
That's right.  Jimmie Walker.  Now, if you're sitting there and thinking to yourself, "Who the eff is Jimmie Walker?" I have the feeling that you are not alone.  See, Jimmie Walker was the star of a relatively successful television program that went off the air in 1979.  I'll save you the trouble and do the math.  It was thirty-three years ago.  Of course, just because his show went off the air six presidents ago, that doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't relevant.  I mean, he's not, but it's not really a given.  He hasn't done hardly anything since then (unless you're going to count his Syfy movie Super Shark, and why wouldn't you?) and even if he had, I don't know why we would care what he thinks about President Barry.

I don't know exactly how it was that Jimmie Walker was asked about his views on President Barry and I'm not so sure that I care to  know.  Actually, I'd like to know who asked him about them because I have a few questions for that person.  Questions like "Was Todd Bridges not available?" and "Do you know what Sherman Hemsley thinks about gay marriage?"  Oh, and of course "HOW IS THIS ACTUAL REPORTING?!?!"

We really need a moratorium on all sorts of political "reporting" until about two weeks before the election (which cannot come soon enough, thank you very much).  And we need a complete end to asking once-celebrities what they think about anything political.  And dear God, if you're someone who is going to base your vote depending upon the political leanings of Jimmie Walker, please, please don't vote.  Ever. 

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Thursday, July 12, 2012

I'm Back

Vacation is over.  It was pretty cool, though.  Saw a lot of old friends and I got to watch a baby be born.  The birth was pretty cool.  I'm not necessarily going to recommend and/or endorse it, but I'm glad I was there to see it happen.  One thing about babies that I've noticed is that they smell great.  And that's pretty hard to believe considering where they came from.  Seriously, when you first see that little person all covered in muck and goo, you would never believe it if someone told you, "See that?  It's going to smell great!"  But it sure does.  I think that must be part of the master plan.  If it smelled repulsive, you wouldn't want to take care of it and as humans, we all would have died out a long time ago. 

But let's talk about my trip back.  I drove and I spent the night in Winnemucca, Nevada.  Now, if you've never been to Winnemucca, you're not missing much.  It's in the middle of the Nevada desert on I-80.  The general atmosphere is a mix between tumbleweeds, sadness and despair.  And from what I can tell, the entire town hasn't been updated since at least the 1940s.  I ran across this fabulous piece of real estate when I was there.  Behold! 

Can you believe that something like that is FOR SALE?!  I couldn't either!  And while the entire town doesn't look quite like this, it's really not too far off.  It's also fairly representative of the general attitude of almost everyone that I encountered whilst in Winnemucca.  (The exceptions being the lady that ran the motel that I stayed at and the homeowner who offered me a bottled water when I ran by his house in the morning because it was hot and he didn't want me to get dehydrated.  Other than that, morale was low.) 

And here is the highlight of my trip to Winnemucca.  What we have below is a picture of the outside of the Bar M Saloon.  Their brightly lit sign gives you an idea of what they have to offer.  Since it's kind of hard to see, I'll help you out.  It reads: "BILLIARDS  SLOTS  SCRAPBOOKING".  Behold! 

Wow.  Billiards, slot machines AND scrapbooking?  Not to mention that it's a saloon, so you can get your drink on as you shoot pool, gamble and organize all of those memories in a whimsical book!   Then again, I'd probably be drunk and scrapbooking too if I lived in Winnemucca.  The next time that I'm there (and there will be a next time) I am going to make a more concerted effort to look around that town and really see what's what.  I have the feeling that there are plenty more anomalies just waiting to be discovered. 

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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

C Is For Crazy

Listen, if Cookie Monster tells me to do something, I'm pretty well going to do it.  So when the title of his latest video (Who knew that Cookie Monster would even have a latest video?) is called "Share It Maybe", I'm going to do just that.  Behold! 

What'd you think? Cute, right?  Yeah, but if you're like me, some of the politically correct lyrics were not lost on you.  Seriously, have people become so freaking full of themselves that they are now monitoring what puppets say?!  How else can you explain the line "Let's get skim milk flowing"?  Skim milk?  Really?  Because puppets need to worry about the fat content of the milk that they intake??  Look, I know that it doesn't seem like it, but I swear that I try to be optimistic about some things.  (Why are you laughing?)  But when a Cookie Monster video feels the need to be politically correct with the inclusion of skim milk in the lyrics, that's when I know that we really, truly are doomed.  C is for Cookie?  More like C is for Crazy.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I Have A Question

I have a question.  Several, actually, but I'm going to try to whittle it down a bit.  I've been logging a little bit of time with some of the various hoarding shows on cable TV.  I don't remember if it was regular Hoarders or Extreme Hoarders or All-American Hoarders or what, but it was one of those.  For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, well, I envy you.  But it's basically what it sounds like.  It's a show about people who hoard things.  Not obsessively collecting things.  No, hoarding.  Hoarding is like collecting, only it's with  completely useless crap.  And sometimes, the word 'crap' is used literally.  I'll wait while you ponder that.  Got it?  Let's move on. 

So the person is usually essentially trapped in their house because of all of their hoarding.  It starts with the show spending the first bit of time kind of getting to know the person and examining their situation.  Then comes the part that I really don't understand.  The voice over says something about how they're going to bring in a consultant to help the hoarder with their problem.   

A consultant?!  What the hell is there to consult about?!  "Your place is a mess.  What say you clean it up?"  There!  I just consulted with every single person that has been featured on every single show.  A consultant?!  "Hey, Jim.  I've noticed that you're kind of up to your neck in feces and newspapers over here.  Um, what say we tidy up a little bit and throw this crap out?"  Was that so  hard?!  A consultant?!  Are you kidding me?! 

I guess that they have to call it something.  Everyone needs a title or something like that?  I just find the idea of an actual consultant to be highly amusing.  OK, I think I'm done here.

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Monday, July 9, 2012

Hello, Older Self

I should have done this.  I should have made a video when I was younger so that I could watch it when I was older and then have a virtual conversation with myself.  Then again, maybe not.  Do I really want to be remembered (in first person, none the less) of some of the atrocious things that I thought and/or did?  Probably not.  But this guy ended up having a very amusing and fairly entertaining conversation with his younger self. Behold!

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Sunday, July 8, 2012

A Fall Is Still A Fall

Here's today's ""Holy s***" moment for you.  Here is a guy who goes by the name of Aisikaier.  He's a tightrope walker in China. For some reason, he felt the need to walk a tightrope that was 650-feet high.  Not only that, he felt the need to do it backwards AND blindfolded.  Yeah, OK, so that didn't really go very well.  Yep.  He fell.  Now, if you read the account of it over at Colorado's Channel 9 News, you might not get the idea that this was a big deal because they said that since he was kind of close to the end of the 2,300-foot walk that "...the drop wasn't as large as it could have been."  I don't know about you, but any sort of a fall is going to feel pretty large when you're a blindfolded tightrope walker.  Here's a video of his not-very-large-by-some-standards fall. 

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Saturday, July 7, 2012

Marriage: Impossible

Have you heard that Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise?  Yep, it's true.  See, it's news like this that causes me to lose all faith in sham marriages.  I mean, they always seemed so happy whenever they were out in public.  Alone.  ALL the time! I'm sure that L. Ron Hubbard is rolling in his outer space grave as I type this.  Was it because she saw Rock of Ages?  Or because she found out that he had been in A Few Good Men?

The important thing to remember here is that there is a little person involved and Tom has feelings too.   And it has to be stressful on Tom.  Maybe John Travolta can recommend a good masseur.  Who am I kidding?  Travolta would massage Tom himself if given the chance.  And hey, does this mean that Suri has to go back to the props department??

Look, we all know that marriage is a Risky Business.  Maybe if they got together over a Cocktail and talked about stuff that they could work things out.  But probably not.  I have the feeling that Katie went into this marriage with her Eyes Wide Shut. She had to have known that there would be some Days of Thunder ahead of them, but she did it anyway even though it might have seemed like it would be Mission: Impossible. Maybe it was the Color of Money that caused them to split up. Tom Cruise might be a Legend who has All The Right Moves, but in the end, Katie just wants him to be Far and Away. 

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Friday, July 6, 2012


You know, vacation or not, you have to admit that it's been kinda slow in the news department lately.  President Barry seems to be lying low for the most part and Challenger Romney doesn't seem to be exactly speaking out on a lot of things.  No one has eaten anyone else's face off lately.  Sure, we've got a celebrity divorce with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes splitting, be it from her not liking Scientology or because her contract was up, but that isn't going to get really good until they actually start going to court and stuff like that.  Nope, there just isn't a whole lot going on.  And while I'm not really complaining, it does make it a little tricky trying to come up with something new every day.  So here's a picture of a dog that looks like Clint Eastwood.  Happy? How could you not be?  Look at him!  LOOK!

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Thursday, July 5, 2012

It's Late. So Sue Me.

Hey, so have I mentioned that I'm on vacation?  Yeah, I am.  Actually, I've been gone since last Monday.  Yet miraculously, I've been able to keep up with this blog.  Go figure.  Anyway, the point here is that things might be a little late, but they will be here.  Eventually.  Oh, and they might also be trite.  Like this. That's right.  This counts as a post.  Can you believe it?  Hey, after posting every single freaking day for 4-1/2 years, I'd be more surprised that this sort of stuff doesn't happen more often.  Tell you what.  In order to make some sort of an effort to post something of substance, here is a Bloom County comic strip that I find particularly amusing.  What I like about it is that it is as relevant and true today as it was when it was first published, probably back in the mid 1980s or so.  Some things never change and I guess that celebrities and their lame-ass excuses for their behaviors are some of those things.  Behold!

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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy Birthday

So, yesterday was kind of cool.  My friend had her first baby yesterday.  She's 42. The baby is new.  I ended  up being in the delivery room with her when she had a C-section.  And just let me tell you, I saw a whole lotta stuff I'd never seen before.  Holy cats, it was wild!  The kid is super cute, though.  That's what matters. 


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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

50 Shades Of Elderly

Remember the three old ladies that hilariously reviewed Kim Kardashian's sex tape with some D-list rapper? Well, they're back again in the same hilarious fashion as they review the inexplicable literary hit, 50 Shades of Grey.  I'm not going to give away the farm here, but my favorite part is when (and this isn't for the kids, folks) the one lady asks what a "buttplug" is.  I don't know of any other object whose name is more synonymous with the use and purpose of the object.  OK, maybe something like an airplane or a trash can.  It's right there in the name.  It does what it says that it does.  I can understand not understanding it, but it's not that hard to figure out what it is, is it?  Anyway, here's their review.  And I've gotta say, they make some pretty good points.

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Monday, July 2, 2012

Yeah, We Know

Hey, guess what?  Anderson Cooper came out as gay.  In other news, the sun?  Still hot.  Water?  Still wet.  Back to you. 

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