That's An Emergency All Right

Sylvester Stallone's son, Sage Moonblood (yes, Moonblood), was found dead the other day.  He was only 36, so one would have to think that there was something afoot other than natural causes.  But really, in the grand scheme of things, who cares?  Well, it would seem like the lawyer for the young Mr. Stallone cares quite a bit because he's going out of his way to give reasons for the death that I find to be rather amusing. 

Well, for starters, I know that the lawyer saying that a "health emergency" could have caused his death is one of the more amusing attempts at spin that I've heard in quite some time.  That's according to the Daily News. A health emergency! Yes, I'd say that anything that your body is going through that causes your subsequent demise is indeed a "health emergency"!  That's just a silly thing to say. 

Look, it seems likely at this point that the guy died from an overdose of prescription medication.  OK, fine.  Accidents happen.  But for some reason, people just do not like to admit when a celebrity has made a mistake that kills them.  And I don't get that.  Dead is dead and at that point, how they came to be dead is probably the least of the worries that one should have.  Then again, I'm not a celebrity (thank God), so what do I know? 

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Survey Says

Richard Dawson died yesterday.  If you were living under a rock in the 1970s (also, not having been born yet is an acceptable answer), Richard Dawson was the original host of the awesome game show Family Feud.  Staying home sick from school in the 70s was always awesome for me because there were a slew of game shows on.  I remember the giddy anticipation of being able to lie on the couch for hours on end and watch these fabulous game shows.  Daytime Wheel of Fortune.  Concentration.  Card Sharks.  The Price Is Right.  And of course, Family Feud.  Richard Dawson always came across as one smooth dude.  He kissed every woman on there (upwards of over 20,000 by most estimates) and was always a gentleman even when things weren't going all that smoothly.  Below is one of my favorite Richard Dawson/Family Feud moments.  It cracks me up every time.  Survey says...we're gonna miss you, Richard. 

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Hey, Hey, He Was A Monkee

Davy Jones of The Monkees died last week. I know, I know. First Whitney Houston and then Davy Jones. The world of music has gone silent. I don't know how the world made it through. But we did. And then things started getting weird. And by 'weird', I mean that suddenly people started acting like Davy Jones and/or The Monkees were some wildly popular act that has been entertaining the masses non-stop for decades. It wasn't like that. Was it?


According to The Daily Mail, "The 66-year-old singer passed away from a heart attack last weekand while his bandmates are upset, they have agreed to stay away from him burial as Davy's family want a 'low-key- send-off ." Uhhh...OK? Wouldn't it already be low key? I mean, this is Davy Jones. And not the one with the locker, either! (Now THAT might be something!) Sure, we all swooned when he was on the Brady Bunch and we were all thrilled for Marcia that he actually performed at her prom. But we're done now. Really. I'm sorry the great man has passed, but that's about it.


The article goes on to say that "...drummer Micky Dolenz told Billboard: "My understanding is they want to avoid a media circus and the family wants to keep it very, very low-key and very, very private." OK, wait. What is going on here?! Media circus?! Over Davy Jones?! Am I missing something?! I'm just not seeing major media outlets clamoring to cover this. Again, my condolences, but this is just silly.


But wait! There's more! "And you can imagine as soon as one of two or any of us were to show up, it would very quickly be degraded into something that I don't think his immediate family would want to deal with that." OK, now I know this is a joke! Will someone please tell Micky Dolenz what year it is, please? This show went off the air in 1970. That's forty-one years ago! Yes, I realize that they had some hits. Yes, I realize that they sold over 65 million albums. (And while I realize that, I'm still a little stunned by it. Last Train to Clarksville was great, but 65 million albums?) But I don't think that it's going to turn into the crowd that was outside the Michael Jackson funeral or anything. It was Davy Jones! Why is everyone acting like royalty has died?!


Maybe it's just Micky Dolenz who is delusional. Get this: "We've had a sort of unspoken, I bguess, agreement over the years that if it's just two of us getting together we never called it The Monkees." Well, why would you? If there's only two of you? And there used to be four? That's hardly the same. But here's the part that made me laugh: "I can see us getting together to do a memorial concert, of course, but right now I can't imagine anything else happening without the Manchester Cowboy." Wait. What?


The Manchester Cowboy? Who called him that? Anyone? This feels the same way that it did when I read that Owen Wilson's nickname is allegedly The Butterscotch Stallion. No, it isn't. It can't be. That's a horrible nickname. I don't even know what it means! And I don't know what the Manchester Cowboy is supposed to mean either. (I guess he had horses. Is that relevant to this revelation? I don't know. But I do know that I've never heard that even once in the past forty years.)


Look, let's just call a spade a spade. We all loved Davy Jones (I guess) when he was in The Monkees. We liked it when he was on the Brady Bunch. And now he's dead. He wasn't a superstar anymore. He was just a guy. I don't think it would hurt for the Manchester Cowboy's (did I get that right?) ex-bandmates to show up for his funeral. The paparazzi would be minimal, if any at all could take time away from following Snooki around. Godspeed, Davy Jones.

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Why Would You Buy That?

I think that it's been well established here that I simply do not get people. I don't. I don't understand what makes a lot of people work. Or maybe it's that I don't understand how they make themselves work for them. I mean, how can some people be so incredibly dense in the thinking department, yet still manage to find employment at which they perform poorly at best? Here's my most recent example of this phenomenon which I think I just explained terribly. Look at this "greeting card" that Target was carrying. Behold!

That's right. It says "next time you think of dating the bad boy, consider whitney houston. that's all i'm going to say." I'll get to that in a minute, but I'd first like to say that the next time that you think of writing a asinine greeting card, consider punctuation and capitalization. That's all I'm going to say...about that. I've got plenty to say about the rest of it.

First off, in what sense is this a "greeting" card? What exactly are we "greeting"? It's not for a specific holiday. It's not for a specific occasion. So what is it for? Is it for when you really want to give snarky advice to someone but you just can't find the words on your own? Is it for butting into someone else's business under the guise of the "greeting"? I don't get it. I can't think of a single "occasion" on which I would want to give this card. Not one. Can you? Of course you can't.
You know why? Because it's stupid, that is correct.


Now, Target claims that they were carrying these cards loooooong before Ms. Houston decided to explore the underwater depths of her tub sans snorkel but not without copious amounts of alleged Xanax. But now that she's newly deceased, somehow that makes these cards suddenly in poor taste. I can't quite grasp why that is, though. I'm not saying that it was ever in good taste. I guess I just can't get past how stupid this card is to begin with and still cannot fathom why anyone would have bought this in the first place.


But now that Target knows that Whitney Houston is dead, they have begun removing the card from their shelves. Sooooo...it's OK to mock someone's poor choice in partners as long as they're alive? But after they're dead, then it's completely forbidden? How does that work? Target, I'm adding you to my list of pansy retailers who cower at the very thought that they might be involved in some sort of fakeroversy. (Fakeroversy. That's a fake controversy. I haven't used that term in a while, so I thought I'd just clarify.) If anyone actually complained (and I can't imagine that anyone actually did), Target should have just told them to get over it and kept the card on their shelves. I still don't get how it would be offensive after she died. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to be offended when she was still alive? (Then again, in this scenario I think that I'm assuming that Whitney Houston would have given a crap about a Target "greeting" card that poked fun of her poor choice of a husband. I don't think she would have cared. Nor do I know how she would have known. Was she often seen frequenting the aisles at Target? I can't possibly imagine that.)


Furthermore, I am so not buying into their claim that they had this on their shelves before she died. Whitney Houston wasn't exactly a household name anymore at the time of her untimely submergement. There wasn't someone more well-known that they could have gone with? Katy Perry, perhaps. Her short-lived union to Russell Brand could have been seen as a "bad boy" marriage. At least people would know who Katy Perry is (after they realize that she isn't Zooey Deschanel), even though they still wouldn't have a freaking clue as to which occasion such a card is appropriate.

And look, I got so agitated with the whole concept of the card that I completely forgot about my initial point. That point being that some softhead out there had to design this card and think it was a good idea. Another softhead had to think that this card was a good idea and OK it after that. There had to have been several other softheads involved in the production of this card who thought it was a good idea in order for it to get the point where it's actually on the shelves at Target. Who are these people who thought this was a good idea, especially if it was done after Whitney's death (even though I don't believe for a minute that's the case)? How are these people making decisions like that and they're still getting through life? How do they have jobs where they're allowed to make any decision at all?! These are questions that I will likely never get an answer to. Such questions used to keep me up at night, but now they just make me sad. Sad because we're doomed.

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Off The Rails

People have seriously gone off the rails with this whole Whitney Houston death thing. I'm getting a little tired of everyone reporting her death by giving a brief recap of her life where they mention what a great voice she had and they omit how she ruined her voice by doing drugs for twenty years. I'm not trying to be sanctimonious about the whole thing. I just think that it's something that needs to be mentioned so that her lifestyle or her choices aren't glamorized.

According to the Washington Post, the governor of New Jersey, the ridiculously large Chris Christie, has decided that all flags in New Jersey shall fly at half mast. Because...she was a war hero? Hmm...I don't think that's it. I think I'd remember something like that. No, I'm pretty sure that she was a really good singer about 25 years ago and wasted her talent by doing a bunch of drugs that would appear to have ultimately killed her. And folks in New Jersey are supposed to honor that with the flag at half staff? Are we just doing that for anyone now? Anyone with any shred of public familiarity is worthy of having the flag at half staff? Way to trivialize what that gesture actually symbolizes, Governor Christie. She was found dead in a hotel bathtub, for cryin' out loud! It's NOT commendable!

And as long as I'm rambling on about things I don't get about this whole ordeal, let's talk about her funeral. At first, it had been announced that it would be a public funeral at the Prudential Center which holds 19,000 people. And while that's a nice gesture for her fans (and people who would want to post pictures and footage on YouTube), her family decided that they wanted to just do an invitation only event. For 1,500 people. Am I the only one who finds that ridiculous? It's not like it's going to be an intimate affair or anything with that many people there. It's their deal. I get that. But I just found it ridiculous that they first announced it would be a public funeral in a venue that could hold 19,000 people and then they changed their mind because they wanted a smaller affair and are still inviting 1,500 people.

I'll be glad when all of this is over. Granted, we still have to wait for toxicology reports to come back and then tough it out while the collective media machine wets itself over the results. But then it'll over. Until it happens again to someone else.

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Houston, We Have A Problem

Dammit, Costner! You had ONE job! (Too soon? I've been trying really hard not to crack any jokes. What's that? I did it again?...Dammit!) That's right. Whitney Houston has apparently died. This is going to be the worst Black History Month ever. (Yeah, I'm giving up that whole 'too soon for jokes' thing. I was never very good at it. I can't let a good joke just blow on by.) I can feel it! And while I find her death unfortunate, but not unexpected. She never seemed to me like she was ever off of the drugs. (Thanks a lot, BOBBAY!) Anyway, here is a comic which pretty much describes the current media coverage of this event. What a story. R. IIIIIIIIIIIaaaaaaaaIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIaaaaaaaaIIIIIIIIIIII. P.
(Think about it.)

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That's Unfortunate

Kim Jong IL, the little runt that ran North Korea died about a week ago. He had a penchant for ladies glasses and platform shoes, as well as running his country with an iron fist. Too bad he wasn't named Kim Jong Healthy. Maybe he would have been around a little longer. (I know. I know. It's a horrible joke. But it's not the last of them, so consider yourself warned.) But now he's dead and his son is taking over.

His son is named Kim Jong Un. While Kim Jong IL was referred to as "Dear Leader", the new guy will be referred to as the "Supreme Leader". Really? The Supreme Leader? So, is the guy after him going to be called the "Bell Grande Leader"? (Hey, it was between that and a Diana Ross joke! Just back off! I'm still under the weather!) And I was hoping that with a new jazzy name like Supreme Leader that there might be some other snazzy changes on the way. Sadly, I was wrong.

North Korea's Taco Supreme's National Defense Commission announced today that "On this occasion, we solemnly declare with confidence that foolish politicians around the world including the puppet forces in South Korea should not expect any changes from us." Grand. So I guess that it's 'Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss." for North Korea. Not that most of its citizens will know any different. The previous leaders had done a bang up job of isolating those poor folks from the rest of the world. No Internet. No travel. Not much of anything other than a lot of dark colored wool clothing from what I can tell. It's all very unfortunate. Though he did call politicians 'foolish', so I will give him credit for that. But that's it.

With any sort of humanitarian changes seemingly off the table for now, I guess all I will have to look forward to under this new regime are all of the accomplishments that Kim Jong Un will create for himself, much as his father did. As you may or may not care to remember, Kim Jong IL had a very impressive list of accomplishments that include, but are not limited to:

• Being an "Internet expert". (Hard to know what that means for a guy who doesn't allow Internet in his country. Maybe that means he knows how to flip the ON/OFF switch without assistance or something. He could also be extremely astute with The Google. Many, many choices on that one.)

• Claiming to have shot "multiple" holes-in-one (hole-in-ones?) on his first attempt at golf. Oh, and let's not forget his finishing 38-under par. Sure. That happened.

• Says that he composed six operas. (Really? With all of his time spent dictating and oppressing, did he really have time for opera writing? And where are these operas? Oh, nowhere? OK, then.)

Yeah, this new guy, he's going to fly himself to Mars, isn't he? Or cure AIDS? Or be able to pass a football around the world? I'm expecting big things from Taco Supreme. Unfortunately, none of the things that he is going to be able to concoct in his own mind are going to do anything to help the people who are in North Korea.

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Why Are They Crying?

So, Kim Jong Il died. And while it might seem as if everyone is better off without him, we really don't know anything about his son who is replacing him. He could be even crazier. (Yes, I realize it's hard to imagine someone crazier than a guy who claims that he made eleven holes-in-one during a single round of golf. But this is his son. Apple...tree...it wouldn't surprise me if this little runt is just as nuts as the newly deceased little runt.) All I'm saying is that we shouldn't get too excited just quite yet.



But speaking of crazy, can we just talk for a minute about the reaction of the North Koreans? These are people who live in what is essentially a hermit country. Their nation doesn't play well with the rest of the world. And these people live without much at all. There are food shortages and power outages all of the time. And they have so little freedom (as is usually the case with a police state). I guess I would have thought that they all would have been rejoicing at the death of this little guy. But it was actually quite the opposite. They were distraught. I mean up-set. They were crying and inconsolable. It's quite fascinating to watch. I guess when you don't know any different that you don't know what you're missing. I certainly hope that with the death of Kim Jong Il that the people will be able to learn what they're missing...for the better. The video of the people freaking out is below. If it doesn't work, click here.

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Make 'Em Laugh, Patrice

So, this guy died today. Patrice O'Neal. He was a pretty funny guy. I guess that you kind of have to develop a sense of humor about things if you're a dude who is going through life with the name Patrice. (As an aside, he is survived by his wife, Vondecarlo, his stepdaughter, Aymilyon and his sister, Zinder. Huh. I guess being named Patrice wasn't so bad after all.) Anyway, here's a video of him making some pretty good points about some things. It's both amusing and hard to argue with.

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Really? A Vegan Diet?

(Note: Blogger is being super awesome today and not letting me add pictures. Sorry for all of the text without something shiny to distract you on occasion.)

My mental image and personal feelings about Steve Jobs have been altered and I want to know how to get the original ones back. The original feelings that I had about him were those of admiration and appreciation. Now I'm just angry at him. (Yes, I know that he's dead and that I never met him. That's not the point.) How could someone so smart be so incredibly stupid?

I'm a big fan of modern medicine. Big. Huge. If you tell me that there's something wrong with me (medically wrong with me), the first thing that I'm going to ask is "How do we fix this?" (That's assuming that I'm even at the asking question stage. Usually I'm more direct and would probably tend to go with "Fix it.") If you tell me that there is something really wrong with me, say like a rare form of pancreatic cancer, I'm going to have a much more urgent feeling about all of the fixing. And surprisingly, that is one of the many things that was different about me and Steve Jobs.

See, Steve Jobs, when presented with the fact that he had the only type of curable pancreatic cancer (as opposed to the regular kind that just kills you almost instantly), decided that instead of having the surgery to fix it that he would instead try "...fruit juices, acupuncture, herbal remedies and other treatments — some of which he found on the Internet". This according to the New York Times and cited from his biography which comes out tomorrow. Good Lord.


Fruit juices?! He tried to cure his cancer with freaking fruit juices?! He was a freaking genius who had all of the money that he would need to do anything he wanted to do to try to combat pancreatic cancer and instead he goes for fruits and herbs and...and...stuff he found on the freaking Internet?! Had he been on the Internet...EVER?! You know what's on the Internet? Crap. Crap and porn. And yes, obviously there are some good things on the Internet, but I guess Steve Jobs wasn't aware of those sites because he tried to cure pancreatic cancer with a rutabaga!

Basically, if he had the surgery when he was first diagnosed (instead of spending nine months trying alternative methods, some of which included going to a freaking spiritualist), there is a good chance that he would be alive today. But by the time that he finally let them "open up his body" the cancer had spread to his liver. And that's because fruit juices don't stop the spread of cancer. (Make a note of that, kids.) So now I'm mad at him and I see him in a totally different manner than I did before I learned how ridiculous he was being.

I guess that when you have built the most successful company on the planet that you're going to get somewhat of a swelled head. I understand that. The ego is a pretty powerful thing. But does it really affect someone so much that they can't think in a rational manner when the circumstances and the consequences become a matter of life and death? For Steve Jobs, it apparently did. He thought he knew what was best and what was better than what doctors (and common freaking sense) would have told him. And for nine months there was apparently no changing his mind. Oh, sure. After the surgery, he was all gung-ho about how to beat his cancer. But by then, from all accounts, it was likely too late. The cancer had spread, he needed a liver transplant and he eventually died. And now I'm mad at him.

I'm always marveling at how different every single person is from each other. Thus, it never ceases to amaze me when people make choices that I just flat out do not understand. Why didn't he just get the surgery? Would it have killed him to just have listened to his doctors? Probably not. And that's my point.

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Ding Dong, Gaddafi's Gone

Well, hey. Moammar Gaddafi was killed today. I'm guessing that he's really regretting signing up for that whole "Find My Friends" thing on his new iPhone 4S. And with Gaddafi dead, that definitely means some big changes. Not only for the future of Libya, but also for the future of my Halloween costume. OK, I think I'm done with my typewritten stand-up routine. For now.

I was reading various comment sections of various online publications to see how people felt about this turn of events. (By the way, I love how he was found hiding in some sort of drain. What is it with deposed dictators who end up hiding in holes? Don't get me wrong, I like the idea. I just didn't know that it was some sort of 'thing'.) And I just wanted to take this moment to make one thing clear. Anytime you read a comment from someone who says that he shouldn't have been killed and that he should have been put on trial or something like that? Yeah, those people are also known as idiots. Things work differently in different parts of the world. Folks really need to remember that.




I was really kind of hoping that they were going to cut off his head and parade it around on a pike or something like that. Granted, it might seem a bit extreme, but I think it's warranted in this situation. I mean, we didn't get any macabre resolution with bin Laden. We should really be treated to a gruesome show of triumph every now and then. But I'm willing to wait if more and more dictators end up being taken out. Where's Kim Jung Il these days?

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Don't Go There

I am amazed, simply amazed, at the self-centeredness of so many people. The cluelessness. The oblivion. The doe in the headlights idiocy. Seriously, what is wrong with you people when someone influential and famous dies? Do you have NO concept of basic mourning protocol? Apparently not. Let me go through some basics.

First of all, I'm obviously talking about the hoopla surrounding the death of the beloved Steve Jobs. While I personally do not quite understand the whole shrine building practice, it has become quite popular. I guess because people really want to feel like they've made some sort of a connection or an expression of themselves or something. I'm not sure what and I don't get it. But I do know this. You people that are going to Steve Jobs' house are out of line.


Are the people who are pilgrimaging to his home aware of the fact that his family including his three children (who seem to be 20, 16 and 13) still live in that home? Do these moronic pilgrims think that somehow their standing outside of the home in which he likely died is going to be of some comfort to the family? Why are they there? I cannot think of anything more inappropriate. Let's take a quick gander at the statement that the family made. Hmmm...oh, there's this part: "We know many of you will mourn with us, and we ask that you respect our privacy during our time of grief." Respecting their privacy does not mean drawing apples in chalk (or worse, leaving real apples) on the sidewalk in front of their house!


His kids just lost their father, for cryin' out loud. They don't give a crap how much you love your iPod. Maybe one day they will (give a crap). But right now, their dad just died. Let me just tell you that my dad wasn't some great, big famous guy to anyone but me. And when he died, it was all I could do to deal with the delivery people who brought by flowers that people had sent. I cannot imagine what it would have been like if there were a bunch of jackass strangers standing in my front yard during that time. (While I cannot imagine, I can speculate and let me tell you that it would not have gone down well.) Get the hell out of his yard. Now.


Some people seem to think that the building of a shrine outside the home where family members of the deceased are still residing is an appropriate show of grief and sympathy. Those people are known as insensitive idiots. Please do not encourage that sort of behavior should you encounter it in the wild. Really, the only appropriate reaction would be to run those people over.

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Bye, Steve

Steve Jobs died yesterday. I didn't know it was possible to be this profoundly sad about the death of someone that I've never met. However, it apparently is. I'm really sad. Sad that he wasn't around longer, but grateful that he was around at all. Thanks for everything, Steve.

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Blame It On The Rain

(Blogger isn't letting me upload pictures. We might as well blame it on Hurricane Irene, as everything else is getting blamed on that.)


Aaaannndddd the hype has begun. We've got Hurricane Irene hitting land yesterday and it's looking to shape up to be a Category 2 at the most. But since the egocentric media is centered on the east coast, they're going to try and make this storm out to be some sort of a massive killer or something. And expect other news media outlets to follow along. But let me be probably the first to tell you that it's not really like that. For instance, right now, the LA Times is reporting that eight people have already died as a result of this disaster. Really? Eight? Let's check that out for ourselves, shall we?


Let's see..."On Friday, a man installing plywood on the window of his home in Onslow County died of a heart attack". OK, that doesn't count. That's not because of the hurricane. That's because of clogged arteries and a lifetime of unhealthy foods. How is that a hurricane related death? Because he was installing plywood? I'm pretty sure that he would have had that heart attack if he wasn't installing plywood. That doesn't count. Why would it? Next!

Next, "...man died in Pitt County when he lost control of his vehicle and hit a tree, officials said. Two others in the state died in car accidents." All right, this is either really crappy reporting (and it really is) or this storm is so weak that someone is really trying to embellish things to the point where people don't look like complete fools for overreacting. Is the hurricane responsible for the loss of control and all of the tree hitting? If so, I'd like to know how. Otherwise, this is known as an accident. It is NOT known as a deadly hurricane. The same goes with the other two. What is wrong with people?

The article continues with "In Newport News, Va., an 11-year-old boy was killed when a tree crashed into his apartment building...And in Brunswick County, a man died when a tree fell on his car." OK, I'll concede to these two probably being hurricane related. Trees don't usually crash and fall unless there's something going on. These two deaths are legitimately hurricane related. I'm sure that makes the deceased feel much better about their recent demise.


Then we have "And off New Smyrna Beach, Fla., authorities said, a 55-year-old surfer died in 7-foot waves." That doesn't count either. One doesn't simply just die in the middle of some waves. Man, the media really does suck, doesn't it? They are just dying for people to be dropping dead because of this hurricane, aren't they? I suppose that their desire is fine (albeit twisted), but I'm not a fan of them creating their own reality.

And they're trying really hard to get the body count up to nine because "...authorities in New Hanover County, N.C., were searching for a man who either fell or jumped into the Cape Fear River on Friday as the first, outer bands of the storm began to ravage the area." OK, listen! Please! If the guy JUMPED, how in the hell is that because of the storm?! I'm seriously ready to pull my hair out! Jumping isn't storm related! High winds and lots of rain do not make one JUMP recklessly with wild abandon into the sea! What is WRONG with people?!

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It Was A Joke!

So, I made a crack on Facebook today about Amy Winehouse. I think it went something like: Congratulations to Amy Winehouse on 48 hours of sobriety! (Oh, and when I say that I think it went something like that, what I mean is that it was exactly like that.) And there was at least one friend who didn't take kindly to that comment. (There was also another friend who didn't get it in the slightest and felt the need to inform me that "she's been dead since Saturday - smh". And "smh" stands for "shaking my head". As if I'm the idiot.) And that friend opened it up for discussion on her Facebook page.



Now, I'm OK with that. I enjoy a healthy discussion. And I'm not saying that my comment was in good taste. It most certainly was not. That's what made it funny. One person who commented felt the need to attempt to read into my life, going as far as to call me a schmuck that had such a miserable life that I needed to make fun of others in order to feel better about myself. That sort of a philosophy might have worked on someone in grade school, but it was completely not applicable to this situation. (It also didn't help her theory that I was on a semi-fantastic vacation at the time that I wrote it and had just spent a week seeing my most awesome friends. Yeah, I'm far from miserable. Angry about a lot of things? Absolutely! But miserable? Hardly.)




But then there was the chick who said that my comment was "mean". And I'm not saying that it wasn't. It kind of was. But you know what else I think is "mean"? I think that it's "mean" for someone to allow themselves to get so wrapped up in drugs and alcohol that they end up killing themselves at 27 and their parents have to go to their daughter's funeral. I find that to be "mean". I'm not a big fan of people squandering opportunity.




But I think that even if, a day or two before she died, you asked Amy Winehouse if she wanted to be clean and sober that she would have told you no. That's what she wanted to do. She was doing that before she became known for her lone hit. (Is it too soon to call her a "One Hit Wonder"? Or is that mean? And while I don't necessarily consider her death to be a loss, I do consider it to be a waste. She was talented, but going out this early in the game, hasn't she just automatically put herself in the classification of acts such as Dexys Midnight Runners and Lipps, Inc.? (Yes, yes. I KNOW they sang Funkytown! And as wonderful as that is, it's still just ONE hit!)

I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who so blatantly waste their life. Not to sound all Pollyanna or anything here (God forbid), but there are so many people out there who are fighting SO hard to stick around. There are people out there who are fighting SO hard to go about their everyday lives in spite of their struggles. And I'm supposed to be reverent towards someone who could have had everything and instead chose to drink and/or drug herself to death? I don't think so.

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The Not So Shocking Death Of Amy Winehouse

So, Amy Winehouse died. Now, I keep reading interviews with people who knew her and I'm a little surprised by the number of times that someone has said, "I am shocked to learn of her death." Really? Shocked? Look, I might have been a lot of things when I heard that she had croaked it, but shocked was not one of them. As far as whether it is sad or not, that's a matter of opinion. I don't know that it's "sad" that someone dies when that death was totally preventable. Sure, it's sad for her family, but is the event itself "sad"? I think that it's more stupid than sad. But I'm sure that will be interpreted as my being insensitive. What else is new? Listen, watch the video of her singing in Serbia (of all places) about a month ago. If it doesn't load, click here. And after watching it, you tell me if you're "shocked" to learn that she died or if you're simply "shocked" that it didn't happen sooner.

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Then What Was It?

DISCLAIMER (Or maybe it's a WARNING. I'm not sure what to call this. But whatever it is, just know that you've been informed.): Today's post is going to be kind of short. And that's pretty much a coincidence when you compare it to how the rest of the week is probably going to be. The posts for at least the next eight days are going to be kind of short. I don't think that what I am embarking upon what can be considered a "vacation", but it does involve a lot of traveling, a hell of a lot of driving and at least three different states. It will also involve seeing a whole lot of people that I haven't seen in years and that's going to be quite fun. But don't worry! I'm not going to forget about you, my loyal patrons. My posts might be short and they might even be a little late on some days, but they will be there. I promise. Now that you've been sufficiently warned and informed, what say you tell me if you can explain something to me.

What we have here is a young woman who was found dead at a mansion in Coronado, California. According to 10news.com, "Autopsy results and evidence gathered...will not be available to the public as the investigation continues". OK, I get that. That seems reasonable. Here's the part I'm having trouble with: See, "The woman found dead at a Coronado mansion on Wednesday was discovered naked with her hands and feet bound hanging from a balcony off the main house by a rope around her neck". Yipes. Horrible, right? Absolutely. No doubt about that. That's not my question. My question comes after learning that "...authorities are not prepared to call her death a homicide." Because seriously? What else are you going to call it?!

The chick is totally naked with both her hands and feet bound by "...what appeared to be an orange electrical cord". And she's hanging off of a balcony with a rope tied around her neck? But they're not just quite ready to jump to the crazy conclusion that it was a homicide?! What the hell else would it have been? (If she offed herself, that's one hell of an impressive suicide. She should get some sort of posthumous medal or plaque or something for that.) I can't possibly imagine. But the Sheriff's Captain, a one Tim Curran, said that the woman died "violently" and "I'm not really prepared to comment on what led us to believe that, but the scene does indicate some type of very suspicious circumstances." Huh??

Look, I wasn't there or anything. I wasn't present when a search warrant was executed. I'm not a cop and don't even play one on TV. But come on! Do they really need more than a woman with all of her limbs bound with an electrical cord and a noose around her neck hanging off of a balcony to indicate some type of "very suspicious circumstances"?! I'll comment on what led them to believe that, and it's what I just said! If that situation isn't suspicious then I don't know what in the world would be suspicious.

I really hope that they can get to the bottom of this, but with the sort of logic that has already been demonstrated, forgive me if I don't hold my breath, OK? Seriously, what else could it possibly be? I'm open to suggestions.

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Darwinism And The Fourth Of July

Happy 4th of July! If you're in America, it's Independence Day. If you're not in America, well, it's still the 4th of July, but that most likely means that it's Monday. And in celebration of our independence and all of the freedoms that being an independent nation allows us, let's see how that turns out for some people. What we have here, according to the Huffington Post, is a one 55-year old Philip A. Contos of Parish, New York. Mr. Parish was "...participating in a protest ride against helmet laws" in New York. When he went to hit the brakes, his motorcycle fishtailed (that means just what it sounds like it means) and Mr. Contos "...flipped over the bike's handlebars and hit his head on the pavement." Naturally, since he was protesting the helmet laws, he wasn't wearing one. Naturally, since he wasn't wearing one, he died.

Now, I don't know if this sounds sad to you, but it does not bother me. That's what being free is all about. You have the choice to make idiotic decisions for yourself and you get to reap the consequences of those idiotic decisions. The thing about being free (and the thing that way too many lawmakers seem to have forgotten) is that it comes with a lot of responsibility. One really doesn't have to do a whole lot of thinking if someone else is going to be making all of the decisions for them. Would it have been better for Mr. Contos if he had been forced to wear a helmet? Well, maybe, but only if you're not him. See, he was perfectly OK with his choice. At 55 years old, I highly doubt that he was unaware of the perils of motorcycle riding without a helmet. He knew what he was getting himself into and, as a free society, he should be allowed to make that choice even if it kills him. Think of it as Darwinism hard at work. OK, maybe not so hard at work. But definitely at work. Darwinism at work.

I'm waiting to hear the retort that usually follows the untimely (and usually unexpected) deaths of people who croaked whilst amidst some sort of hobby. That often heard commentary is usually something to the effect of: "Well, at least he died doing what he loved." I don't think that's ever the case. Eaten by a shark while scuba diving? "He died doing what he loved." Being chomped to death by a sea creature and screaming in pain and unthinkable fear? THAT'S what someone loved? I don't think so. Skydiving and the chute doesn't open and the person plummets to their Wile E. Coyote-esque doom? "He died doing what he loved?" In preparation to become a human pancake? I don't think so? Not doing the sensible (regardless of the laws in place) thing and not wearing a motorcycle helmet and flying over your handlebars at a low speed and cracking your dome open on the pavement? "He died doing what he loved?" Being in defiance of common sense and realizing this lapse in judgment the second before his dome cracked open? Perhaps. But not likely. Not very likely.

Happy Independence Day, America! Try not to screw it up by being a moron. Assume the responsibility that all of this freedom puts upon you and try to emerge from your celebrations in one piece. Or don't. It's a free country.

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Like A Lion, Only Less Hairy

Warning: This isn't my usual witty fare. But it's important. Granted, I think that other things that I put on here are important as well, but seriously, are they? Kinda. But still not as important as this. Look, my very good friend's father died from melanoma about five years ago. It's not good. But there are things that you can do to catch melanoma early and improve your chances of survival. This video gets to the heart of those things that you should probably know. I know it runs a little bit long at just over five minutes, but give it a watch. If you knew that you were going to be attacked by a lion one day, wouldn't you want to know what to do about it when that lion finally jumped out at you? Of course you would! (Just ask Siegfried and Roy.) Think of melanoma as that lion, only with less hair. And if the video doesn't load, click here.

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Dunn For

When I'm finally done on this planet (and some days, that could not come soon enough), I'd like to be remembered for some of the good stuff that I've done. (Hey! I've done plenty of good things! Don't judge! What have YOU done?) I mostly try to keep the stupid things that I've done completely under wraps. And I'm hoping that when I do finally go, it isn't due to one of my stupid things.

Do you know who Ryan Dunn is? He is apparently one of the chaps that participated in MTV's Jackass movies. You remember those movies. They're the ones where a group of guys spend the entire movie just doing really stupid and really dangerous feats. Turns out, he doesn't just do stupid things when he's making a movie or a TV show. He does them in real life, too. Well, he DID them in real life. And the last one that he did, according to NBC Philadelphia, was to drink a whole bunch (that's him on the left in the picture above that he tweeted before the wreck) and then get into his Porsche and drive it at ridiculous speeds until he flipped over a guard rail, causing the car to burst into flames and kill Ryan and his passenger. Smart, eh? Yeah, not so much. Here's a picture of his car after the wreck. How they figured out it was a Porsche to begin with is beyond me.

But here comes the part about remembering. See, I was vaguely aware of the Jackass franchise, but I never spent any time watching it. And quite frankly, I had never even heard of Ryan until this happened. So everything that I learned about his life, I learned from reading about it on the Innerwebs. I read one particular highlight repeatedly. And according to TMZ (and a bunch of other sites), "34-year-old Dunn appeared in all of the "Jackass" movies -- famously shoving a toy car into his rectum in the first flick back in 2002." Um, what now?

THAT is how he is going to be remembered? As the guy who shoved a toy car up his arse?! Good Lord, man. Does anyone really want to be remembered for shoving anything up them? (If you're thinking about a Richard Gere joke right about now, just stop. That's most likely not even totally true.) Maybe he was a really good guy when he wasn't sending Hot Wheels to the land of no return. I have no idea. I'm sure that his family and friends will miss him. (I'd like them to be a little bit angry at him while they miss him since he would most likely be alive had he not decided to get "over-served" and then drive a Porsche at unthinkable speeds along a winding road at 2:30am.) Choose your actions wisely. (ie, Don't purposely insert die-cast vehicle into your rectum.) You never know. One of them might be the thing that people are talking about after you're gone.

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