Why Would You Buy That?

I think that it's been well established here that I simply do not get people. I don't. I don't understand what makes a lot of people work. Or maybe it's that I don't understand how they make themselves work for them. I mean, how can some people be so incredibly dense in the thinking department, yet still manage to find employment at which they perform poorly at best? Here's my most recent example of this phenomenon which I think I just explained terribly. Look at this "greeting card" that Target was carrying. Behold!

That's right. It says "next time you think of dating the bad boy, consider whitney houston. that's all i'm going to say." I'll get to that in a minute, but I'd first like to say that the next time that you think of writing a asinine greeting card, consider punctuation and capitalization. That's all I'm going to say...about that. I've got plenty to say about the rest of it.

First off, in what sense is this a "greeting" card? What exactly are we "greeting"? It's not for a specific holiday. It's not for a specific occasion. So what is it for? Is it for when you really want to give snarky advice to someone but you just can't find the words on your own? Is it for butting into someone else's business under the guise of the "greeting"? I don't get it. I can't think of a single "occasion" on which I would want to give this card. Not one. Can you? Of course you can't.
You know why? Because it's stupid, that is correct.


Now, Target claims that they were carrying these cards loooooong before Ms. Houston decided to explore the underwater depths of her tub sans snorkel but not without copious amounts of alleged Xanax. But now that she's newly deceased, somehow that makes these cards suddenly in poor taste. I can't quite grasp why that is, though. I'm not saying that it was ever in good taste. I guess I just can't get past how stupid this card is to begin with and still cannot fathom why anyone would have bought this in the first place.


But now that Target knows that Whitney Houston is dead, they have begun removing the card from their shelves. Sooooo...it's OK to mock someone's poor choice in partners as long as they're alive? But after they're dead, then it's completely forbidden? How does that work? Target, I'm adding you to my list of pansy retailers who cower at the very thought that they might be involved in some sort of fakeroversy. (Fakeroversy. That's a fake controversy. I haven't used that term in a while, so I thought I'd just clarify.) If anyone actually complained (and I can't imagine that anyone actually did), Target should have just told them to get over it and kept the card on their shelves. I still don't get how it would be offensive after she died. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to be offended when she was still alive? (Then again, in this scenario I think that I'm assuming that Whitney Houston would have given a crap about a Target "greeting" card that poked fun of her poor choice of a husband. I don't think she would have cared. Nor do I know how she would have known. Was she often seen frequenting the aisles at Target? I can't possibly imagine that.)


Furthermore, I am so not buying into their claim that they had this on their shelves before she died. Whitney Houston wasn't exactly a household name anymore at the time of her untimely submergement. There wasn't someone more well-known that they could have gone with? Katy Perry, perhaps. Her short-lived union to Russell Brand could have been seen as a "bad boy" marriage. At least people would know who Katy Perry is (after they realize that she isn't Zooey Deschanel), even though they still wouldn't have a freaking clue as to which occasion such a card is appropriate.

And look, I got so agitated with the whole concept of the card that I completely forgot about my initial point. That point being that some softhead out there had to design this card and think it was a good idea. Another softhead had to think that this card was a good idea and OK it after that. There had to have been several other softheads involved in the production of this card who thought it was a good idea in order for it to get the point where it's actually on the shelves at Target. Who are these people who thought this was a good idea, especially if it was done after Whitney's death (even though I don't believe for a minute that's the case)? How are these people making decisions like that and they're still getting through life? How do they have jobs where they're allowed to make any decision at all?! These are questions that I will likely never get an answer to. Such questions used to keep me up at night, but now they just make me sad. Sad because we're doomed.

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Ho

Of course, you're not going to send a normal Christmas card if you're Paris Hilton. Considering nothing that she does is normal, why should Christmas be any different? It probably shouldn't, but I guess maybe I was hoping that it would be? I don't know. I guess I always hope that people, no matter how self-centered, self-absorbed and absolutely abhorrent one may be, maybe they can find this time of the year to think about others or simply think about what they're grateful for. Yeah, that didn't happen with her. Here's her Christmas card as proof. Behold!

Seriously. Who thinks that's a great idea for a Christmas card? To get yourself all dolled up in kind of a Marilyn Monroe-esque whorish pose while sitting in some sort of black leather and gold throne thing? I mean, I'm not against having a picture of one's self on a Christmas card. I'm just not used to seeing it be immature, heiress tarts. I'm more used to seeing Christmas cards with families on them. Like the Kardashian's Christmas card. It has their whole family on it. Behold!

Hmm. Probably not the best example that I could have used. Is anyone else feeling a Addams Family vibe from that card? How is that a Christmas card? Why are they dressed like that? Does that one chick have furry green shoulder pads on the outside of her dress? OK, then. That's kind of strange. That's all I've got.

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Say "Happy Birthday" With Flavor!

In what might be one of the most ridiculous product roll outs since Smell-O-Vision, the folks over there at American Greetings (you know, the card company that is not Hallmark) have announced via PR News Wire, their new line of cards called Tasties. That's right. It's a greeting card that you can taste. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to a one Mary McClain, who is the creative director of new product concepts over there at American Greetings, "Just think, haven't you ever secretly wished you could actually taste that delicious looking piece of cake on the front of your birthday card? Well, now you can literally have your cake and eat it, too." Um, well...wait. How many birthday cards have pictures of cake on the front of them? I know that there are probably SOME, but certainly not all of them. And the ones that do, I'm not recalling them looking all that scrumptious. Cartoonish, if anything, would be how I'd describe them. But really, I'm not ever thinking that I wished I could taste the cake on my card because, if I'm receiving the card for my birthday, I know that there actually is a real cake right around the corner! That's what you do on birthdays! You eat cake!

The press release goes on to read that "Each card in the new line features a deliciously dissolvable flavor-strip, safely sealed inside, which recipients can enjoy along with the warm wishes of friends and family." Clearly, the folks over at American Greetings have never met my friends and family. We're not exactly the "warm wishes" type of folks. Good Lord, especially not my friends. We're more of a "Happy birthday, bee-yotch!" sort of crowd.

And I don't know that I'm finding a lot of appeal in the though of a "deliciously dissolvable flavor-strip" that I'm supposed to eat. And of course, with all of those damn well-wishers sitting around you, you wouldn't have any choice but to eat the thing! And probably to chants of "Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!" Good Lord, it sounds like a bad idea all the way around.

Here's an example of what you can expect: " One birthday card in the new line features a mouth-watering image of a cupcake and reads, "If nothing else, birthdays are a great excuse to eat cake." The inside reads, "…lots and lots of cake." The dissolvable strip included encourages recipients to "take a bite," and enjoy the taste of vanilla cupcake, expanding on the fun and sweetness of the greeting. Other flavors to help consumers celebrate include everything from donut to margarita." Eww. Eating a dissolving strip is not like eating "lots and lots of cake". I don't care how good the strip tastes, it's still not cake. It just doesn't sound like all that great of an idea to me. Yeah, so, eww.

What, exactly, does "everything from donut to margarita" include? Because if we're going alphabetically, that doesn't include cake! It also wouldn't include alcohol or tequila. There'd be no pie. No chocolate. No sprinkles. Oh, frosting! There'd be frosting! Again, I'm back to eww. And really, I've never tried to connect the dots from a donut to a margarita. Is it like a 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon sort of thing? Like 6 Degrees of Really Dumb Ideas?

This won't last long at all. The card companies aren't willing to admit it, but we're not all that fond of those musical cards that they insist on shoving upon us either. Those should have gone wayside a long time ago. But I think that it will be pretty evident rather quickly that this was a silly idea (and I use the term "silly" quite loosely, as this is completely idiotic).

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For That Special Atheist On Your List

What to get for that atheist on your list this Christmas? Or what about your goth niece? Or your gay friend? (Oh, come on! We all know he's gay! Some of us even wish his sister was too!) It's a head scratcher, that's for sure. But scratch no more! A one Andrew Shaffer, who is the owner of Order of St. Nick, has come up with various greeting card lines that offer something for everyone!

See, Andrew says that, "Nearly 15% of Americans identify themselves as ‘non-religious,' but surveys have consistently shown that 95% of Americans celebrate Christmas. Order of St. Nick seeks to bridge the gap between belief and observation. " Excellent. See, this is what has been needed for a while now. Instead of being like the yahoos out there who claim to be "offended" by the holiday (how in the world anyone can get offended over a day when it's a gift extravaganza is beyond me. Irritated? Sure. Frustrated? Oh, yeah. Annoyed at not being competent enough to pick out your own gifts? Every time. But offended? Nah.) and therefore have to wage their War Against Christmas, this guy decided to attempt to include them. It's like he said, "Dude, don't get your shorts all in a wad there. You can play too!" Only he decided to say it with cool greeting cards so that he could make a buck or two in the meantime.

He also said that, "Christmas is a national holiday in the United States. Everyone, regardless of religious beliefs, should be able to celebrate with family and friends at this time of year." That's right. Even you boneheads who just like to whine that you're offended when you're not really as offended as you are just whiny. He even throws in a little cautionary suggestion by saying, "We've tried to keep things light-hearted. It's not our intent to offend anyone (It's not usually anyone's intent. But again, some of the fake-offended just like to whine, so I wish him luck.). At the same time, we don't recommend sending atheist Christmas cards to your church-going grandparents unless you want to be demoted to the ‘kiddie-table' for Christmas day dinner." Good to know. Note to self....

Andrew has created humorous gems such as:

• The Atheist Snowman Card




• The Natural Selection / Darwin Card
  
  
• The Skeptic Monkey Card



• The Gothic / Severed Head Card
  
• The Goth Girl Anti-Christmas Card
  
  
• The Gay Apparel Card



...And many more!!
A little something for everyone during this holiday season amidst troubled, troubled economic times.

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It's a Recession! Everybody Have Sex!

Today, what many people have known for quite some time (and what others have been trying to avoid accepting as fact) was officially confirmed: The United States is in a recession. (In other news, water? Still wet. The sun? Still hot. Back to you.)

Oh, and this recession didn't just pop up the other day or anything. No, apparently, the US has been in troubled times far longer than we were aware! We've been destitute since December 2007! The nerve of them not telling us for an entire year! We wasted 12 months of panic time! We've just lost an entire year of over-hyped media coverage portraying the situation as ten times worse than it is! That's stuff we'll never get back, you know. Never. It's gone. Those days are over, my friend.

And it's not just in the US where problems are just running amok. Britain isn't having all that great of a time either (despite being called "Great Britain"! The irony!). But if the British papers are any indication of how the Brits are coping with their own economic debacle, it comes down to two things: Humor and sex. (Sometimes, those are easily one and the same. But this time they really are two separate subjects!)

Over there at The Sun, we learn about a one Andrew Shaffer, an artist who says that, “Humour is essential to make it through tough times." (Again, just a reminder, this is separate from the sex! That's not what Andrew is referring to here. Hard for some to imagine, I know!) So Andrew has created some greeting cards with themes straight from the Great Depression! Wait. What?

He designed this fine card, guaranteed to make any destitute acquaintance of yours have a good laugh, just before his home is foreclosed on.

He also designed this winner, giving the recipient a moment to pause and reflect upon what their life without solid food will be like.

Right about then is when I got off on my little sex tangent. (It doesn't take much. Obviously, if I ended up there after reading Great Depression cards.) In the sidebar of "Interesting Stories" was a link that read "Top Ten Reasons to Have Sex". (There are nine other reasons besides "It's SEX, for cryin' out loud!"? Who knew?) Who the heck needs reasons? (I barely need permission!)

I didn't bother to click on it. (Again, no need for reasons. "I want to have sex" is reason enough.). But I did want to read about where sex fits in during these troubled, troubled economic times. And according to The Sun, if you're in Britain (and The Sun is, so you'd think they'd probably know), "Britain humps through slump." Dear God, I love the foreign press.

They make that statement based upon the recent revelation that sales of condoms have really gone up. (Yeah, yeah, pun intended. What hasn't gone up? Not much if they're buying all of those condoms!) "Experts reckon the reason is that a night in under the covers is cheaper than a night on the tiles." (It's also much more comfortable that way as well. Tile is cold and you're always slipping around or getting your head knocked into the side of the tub when you're....never mind. What were they saying about condoms?) Another expert surmised that "...another reason was that people were becoming concerned they couldn’t afford more kids." Oh, can we only hope and pray that concern spreads to the US? Soon! Please?! What a novel thought! Being able to afford the children that you expel out of your uterus when the creatures are done using you as their alien host. Brilliant!

And this "stay at home and have sex instead of going out" theory isn't just based on the fact that condom sales have increased. "Further proof is our tea light candles are up 50 per cent, champagne 20 per cent and oysters eight per cent and slippers and dressing gowns 22 per cent.” Wow. So not only are these guys staying home instead of taking their potential sexual partner out, these guys are having to convince their partner at home as well! Always a trade off, I suppose. (But here's a tip guys: Chicks aren't that into oysters. They look like snot. And they don't taste much better. Slurping down a shellfull of snot is not going to get many ladies "in the mood". Just so you know.)

According to an adult retail establishment in London, Private Shops, sales have been phenomenal lately and they are attributing it to the crappy economy. Seems Londoners are now staying in and doing it a whole lot more than when they had a bunch of money to toss around. And what money they do have, they're spending on "accessories" for their romping. According to a one Sally Barker ”With all the uncertainty over jobs, mortgages and savings, men are clearly turning to sex to have some fun." How nice. Now if only the women could have a little fun at the same time,eh? ”Our London outlets have seen the biggest sales spike. We've had to bring in extra supplies to cope. Sales are up 420 percent across the capital." Holy crap! 420 percent?! What are they buying? Sex can be fairly accessory-free (for the most part. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for a little accessorizing. I'm just pointing out the frugal aspects during these troubled, troubled times.). ”French maid and fireman outfits, nurses uniforms, rubber and leather - they are all flying out of the stores." Wow! Flying nurses in rubber and leather?! That must be a sight! (Why am I reminded of the Wizard of Oz? Fireman and nurses and maids! Oh, my!) Oh, my indeed.

Another headline in The Sun that caught my eye read: "Pair having sex in the woods were beaten by shaven headed yobs." Good Lord, I don't even know what a "shaven headed yob" is, but it doesn't sound good. And while I may be in the dark about that, I do know what being beaten is and I know that isn't good! The photo below accompanied the story and had the following caption beneath it: "Attacked - Keely Hill was attacked while romping." There ya go! Tell it like it is, Sun guys!

And finally, just when things seemed to be going so well during the times of recession in the land of British sex, I then had to read the whole dealio of the guy who had sex with a horse! But again, The Sun does not disappoint as they inform us that "A PERVERT has been jailed for having sex for a second time with the same HORSE." I found it interesting that they chose to capitalize both "pervert" and "horse", as I would have thought that the emphasis would have been on something like "second time." Having sex with a horse, in and of itself (not literally, for God sakes!), implies that someone is, in fact, a pervert (as does have sex with a horse the first time, but we needn't quibble). Emphasize the "second time" and now you've painted a picture of a whole different kind of pervert. The kind that's all stable-rific.

Oh, but about the pervert. It would seem that one pervert, a 46-year old Leeroy Le Gallais had been on probation for "molesting a gelding." (He was caught after leaving his underwear in the stable of a horse named Calico. See, that's the one good thing about perverts. They're not real bright. Makes it easier to catch them and that gets all of us one step closer to having our street pervert free!) "But the drunken weirdo returned and committed further indecencies with the same horse."

I would pay good money for one, just one, US newspaper to use "the drunken weirdo" in a story. (You want people to read what you write? String some words like those together and you're off to a good start.)

"Calico’s owner found a mounting stool (My God! They have special stools for that in Britain?!) next to the animal the next morning. Calico was also “box walking” — moving sideways — a sign of stress." (It is also the sign of an unfortunate encounter with a drunken weirdo, it would appear.) "Le Gallais said he meant to go home but went and “played around” with Calico." Meant to go home?! But instead your found yourself fornicating with an equine beast?!?! It's hard for me to imagine how those two things ended up as options for one another! Look, I went to the store the other day and I meant to get Diet Coke, but I mistakenly ended up getting regular Coke instead. See how that works? I didn't go to the store and mean to get Diet Coke but ended up fornicating with a horse instead!!

"He admitted having sex with a horse and was jailed for three years." Well, at least there was a semi-happy ending. Well, probably not for the horse.

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Japan's LIST - Little Insulting Stupid Toys

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, here's to hoping that you had a good Thursday. Now, onto Japan! (That is possibly the worst segway ever.) It seems that in Japan, a great deal of people who are under 25 have taken to a way of expressing themselves that involves yellow cards printed with "acronyms". The cards are produced by one of the top toy companies in Japan and are becoming quite popular with the under-25 crowd and are causing what will likely been seen as unnecessary concern and worry among the over-25 crowd, according to the Times Online.

(I've placed "acronyms" in quotes because what the Japanese are calling an "acronym" I am simply calling "initials" because the majority contain only two letters. I think of acronyms as needing to have at least three letters. Some (like the US Government) prefer their acronyms to have many letters. Then again, the US Government prefers just about everything that they do to have a catchy little acronym. Everything.) And really, I'm being kind of lenient by just going with "initials", as a more accurate title for them could be "stupid". Or "ridiculous". Or "trendy and inane".)

According to those Times Online folks, Japan is "...no longer the land of harmony and politeness but a grim new world of acrimony by acronym." (Ooohh...grimness and acrimony. Sounds sinister.) The example that is given of "acrimony by acronym" is "She thinks he's too bloody KY by far, and he's sick to death of being treated like an NTT - and if things get much more MM, he's going to MK5 and she's going to jolly well flounce off to HR. " Uh-huh. I see. Well, allow me to provide an acronym of my own to express my opinion of that. WTF?

Some toy company has produced these acronym cards. (Oh, great. Cards. The Japanese love things with cads. That's the only explanation as to why we're still stuck with that damn Pokemon thing!) "...46 of the most common new acronyms have been published as a series of “yellow cards” to be waved in the faces of victims." Are they serious? If those are the basics of this "acrimony by acronym", then the Japanese have a lot to learn about expressing their opinions to others. For starters, you don't need a card! I don't care what color it is! What? They can't insult people or tell them what they think in the form of an acronym without a card? Sure you can! Try driving on a California freeway during rush hour. We simply use hand gestures instead of cards to express one of the more colorful acronyms: "FU".

And they wave the card in the other person's face? That's OK? But just telling someone you think they're a jerk is not? It's like some testy (and psychotic) soccer referee always waving the yellow card in your face. And that's not necessary, is it? I don't think it is. What is it that is so difficult for them to come out and just say that they need to do so with some "Insulting Flash Cards"?

Well, let's look at the above example. There's the "bloody KY" (I'm refraining from any sort of product-genre joke here. And there are plenty that come to mind, but I think all of them would be in extremely poor taste, even for me.), which sounds as if they're trying to infuse a bit of British lingo into their insults. KY stands for "kuki yomenai" and it would seem to mean "clueless". "NTT" stand for "nimotsu tantosha" and the example of that meaning that is given is "He is furious because as an NTT, he has had to lug her bags round the shops like a packhorse." So....husband? MM stands for "maji mukatsu" and means "they are both utterly disgusted with each other." (Huh. So, maybe I was right about the husband part if this is how they both feel! Sounds about right.) MK5 means "maji kireru 5 byo mae." (Since when do word definitions contain numbers? Was there a rule change I wasn't informed about?) It "...suggests that he is going to blow his lid in five seconds." (Why 5 seconds is what I want to know? If he ponders all of the lid blowing, does it become MK10?) And if that happens and "she's going to jolly well flounce off to HR" (See? Again with the British!), then you should know that HR stands for "hitori ranchi", which means she's going to show him by "going off to eat on her own!" Good Lord....

Another example of how this seems to be occurring is if "...someone hogs the stage at karaoke, he might suddenly find himself confronted by a flurry of cards bearing the letters “MB” - maiku ga betobeto, or “sticky microphone”. Huh. Again, and I know it's a cultural thing, but "sticky microphone" could have an entirely different meaning here in the US. Yellow card or not (probably not). But a flurry? I realize the Japanese take their karaoke seriously, but enough to flurry with the yellow cards and all? I had no idea. (And I liked it better that way!)

The concern is (apparently) because the acceptance of the acronym usage as a medium for insulting others or expressing anger seems to have "...made it socially acceptable for Japanese to speak their minds and, disturbingly, uncorked a latent need to insult." Not just to insult, but to insult with brightly colored yellow cards nonetheless!

I will give them this: Some of their acronyms are hilarious, thus, they kind of make you wonder how many have been keeping a lid on their anger for how long. Especially when it's directed specifically at one target. The article surmises that "Perhaps most dreadful of all would be the husband hearing himself called an ATM by his wife - “ahona teishu mo iranai”, or “the idiot man I don't need in my life anymore." (I was thinking that most men already feel like an ATM for their wife, but I was thinking in terms of money, not idiots.) The most dreadful, eh? Once again, the glaring differences between the US culture and the Japanese culture are distinctly illustrated!

Want more examples?! Good! Behold! Japanese acronyms which stand for insults that they would rather convey to you via yellow card than just to cowboy up and say something! Behold!

• AB: Amai mono wa betsubara - The kind of woman who has a separate stomach for puddings (What the heck does that mean? Like a cow has five stomachs? Japanese women have a separate stomach for pudding? I like pudding, but I don't want another stomach for it.)


• GM: Gyudon no hou ga mashi - Even gyudon (very cheap fast food) is better than this muck (Yeah, that's going to go over real well at the dinner table when you whip out your cute little card and flip it at the person responsible for the "muck". Sure. Let me know how that turns out.)
  
  
• FK: Fande koi - Someone who trowels on the make-up (Huh. So FK in this weird Japanese card lingo means "whore". Interesting.)
  
  
• ND: Ningen to shite douyo - What the hell kind of person is this? (The exact question I'm asking about whoever it was that came up with this "system" of venting. That's all it is, you know? It's just venting! You don't need to pay money for a card to vent! Sorry, Hallmark.)
  


• OBM: Okubyoumono - A man too chicken to ask a girl on a date (They don't have a card for this? That's an untapped market right there. Oooohh...yeah, pun intended.)
  


• DD: Daredemo daisuki - The kind of person who falls for anyone (See above.)
  


• NS: Noryoku yori seikaku - Someone promoted way beyond his competence (And after Barack Obama is sworn in, the United States' own NS will finally be out of office.)

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