Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Crackpots

Ah, yes. Leave it to the wingnut crackpots in the tele-evangelical scam profession to use Halloween to make up a bunch of crap and spread it around claiming it's the word of Jesus. Granted, I don't know with 100% certainty that the particular crap I'm about to mock here is not the word of God and/or Jesus, but I'm 99.99% sure that it's not. (I'm saving that .01% just to ensure that I won't go to hell for this. Hedge your bets. That's what I always say.)

A one Kimberly Daniels wrote a Halloween column as a Guest Writer for CBN. CBN stand for the Christian Broadcasting Network. It's one of your typical mass evangelical organizations which take from the poor in order to make themselves rich and do so under the guise of it being for God or Jesus (both of whom I highly doubt authorized any of it). If you haven't already thought of it by now, think Jim and Tammy Faye Taker. I mean Faker. I mean Bakker! Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. Sheesh. Talk about subliminal typing. Her post was entitled "The Danger of Celebrating Halloween". Now I should have guessed that it wouldn't be about some real danger like creepy people who always look like they're wearing a costume or unwrapped candy that had metal shards poking out of it. No, her column was about fake danger. That is to say, not danger at all.

I will give her this: It was one of the most unintentionally hilarious articles I have read in quite some time! She starts off by explaining the etymology of the word "Halloween" and concluding that it's the day of service for Lucifer. I don't know about you, but I don't share my candy with anyone and that includes this Lucifer fellow (who kinda looks like Wolverine in that photo there). But wait! There's more!

What about things like "Decorating buildings with Halloween scenes, dressing up for parties, going door-to-door for candy, standing around bonfires and highlighting pumpkin patches"? Do you ever participate in any of those activities around or on Halloween? If so, you should know that they "...are all acts rooted in entertaining familiar spirits. All these activities are demonic and have occult roots." Ah, yes. Decorating buildings. A sure sign of Satan at work. What the hell, woman?! Pumpkin patches?! Demonic?? Tell me something, are these demonic pumpkin patches ONLY demonic AT Halloween time? Or are they demonic all year 'round? I don't see how they could only be seasonally demonic, so they must be demonic all year 'round. Thus, she is clearly calling to an end of all pumpkin harvesting, growing and any other pumpkin related activity which takes place in a patch. (I can only assume that the poor woman who wrote this has had her mind riddled with syphilis. It's the only way to explain such completely baseless thoughts and assertions.)

She insists that we know "the truth". And what is that? Well, "The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon." I, too, have prayed for those howling at the moon. I have prayed for them to shut the hell up, as I am usually trying to sleep during said howling. Can't they howl during the day when most folks are awake? It would really be less disruptive if they could. And where does one meet these "witches who are addicted to drinking blood"? Is there some sort of group or meeting for that? If so, why in the hell is she going there?

She also gives us a list of the "secret" activities that go on during Halloween. I was guessing that they would sort of be like the "secret" menu at In and Out Burger. You know, the kind of "secret" that everyone knows, but that just isn't publicly displayed? Nope. This stuff that she came up with really is a secret because I can't imagine that any of these things actually happen (which is probably why no one knows about them). Let's run the list, shall we? Ahem...behold!

The word "occult" means "secret." The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include:

Sex with demons
Orgies between animals and humans
Animal and human sacrifices
Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
Revel nights
Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant.

Um, well. I don't rightly know what to say. Sex with demons? Come on! I've had sex with some very questionable individuals in my time, but I'd hardly go as far as to say that they were demons! Animal & human orgies? You folks need help! I don't know if you need God or Jesus, but some help you could definitely use. Casting of spells? I suppose if you believe in that sort of thing that it would be concerning. However, if you're not so much into the casting of spells, who gives a crap. Cast away! Can I polish your cauldron for you? Weirdos. Ooh-Ooh!! But those "time released" curses against the ignorant? Could you tell me how to do those? I'm really interested in that aspect of these demonics. In fact, that would come in quite handy for me in my day to day life, really.

But here is my absolute favorite claim that she makes. "During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."

Um, I don't think it has. Sorry. I just don't. Dedicated and prayed over by Like, are these witches employed by the candy companies? Hershey's? M&M-Mars? The folks who make the glorious, glorious Reese's? Are you telling me that they employ witches to "dedicate and pray" over their batches of candy? Are they year 'round employees or just seasonal? (Is there a benefit package? What are their hours? Are uniforms involved? Do they have name tags?) And how exactly does said dedication and pray-ation occur? I'm picturing the witches being hung in some sort of harness and just swung all over the production lines like some sort of wayward pendulum. Maybe they have a wand, perhaps a scepter, but there is definite cackling involved! Eye of newt, tongue of frog, that sort of chanting probably accompanies all of the scepter waving. It really sounds like quite a distraction for the other employees who do not get to swing from suspended cables. I would be distracted.

Halloween is Halloween. I plan on handing out demonic, prayed over candy and I might just stand by a bonfire or two just to really give the devil a good ol' temptin'! Place all of the curses and spells you want upon me, but I don't want to know a damn thing about anyone's sex with demons. Don't ask, don't tell. That's my Halloween motto from here on out.

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Friday, October 30, 2009

America's Funniest Governor

Arnold Schwarzenegger seems to enjoy being Governor of California, but mainly because it gives him a platform from which to tell jokes. Look, he had all of these lofty ideas when he took office, but wasn't able to accomplish the majority of them. While I'm sure that was frustrating for him, I'm afraid that it was frustrating for the wrong reasons. I fear that the main problem he had with not being able to achieve what he wanted to wasn't so much the lack of achievement as much as it was the decline in his popularity.

If there is one thing that the Governator likes, it is to be liked. And the only thing that he likes more than that is to get a laugh out of folks. Whether it be a calculated joke, an off the wall comment or even a prank, Arnold likes to make people yuk it up.

The Governator is aware that there is only so much that he can do. He is also aware that the Legislature for the state of California is absolutely pathetic. According to the latest Field Poll, the California Legislature had a 13% approval rating. 13%. My question to that thirteen percent is: What are your standards, exactly? How can you approve of anything those ass clowns are doing up there in Sacramento? Are you staffers of the Legislature? Blood relatives? How can you approve of their job performance?

Seriously? Maybe they don't know about some of the abhorrent behavior exhibited by some of these elected morons. Let's take a one Tom Ammiano who, at the San Francisco Democratic County Central Committee Gala, began shouting "No, no, no, no!!!!! You lie!!!" and "Kiss my gay ass!!!!" among other colorful phrases when the Governator got up to speak. That according to a one Beth Spotswood over yonder at SF Appeal. (Beth's piece, by the way, is awesome. Hilarious, yet surprisingly informative. I would highly recommend giving it a read.) Seriously, dude? "Kiss my gay ass"? You're comfortable, not only shouting that (in San Francisco, none the less. Talk about livin' on the wild side.), but shouting it at the Governor? Apparently, general respect for each other as human beings has completely bypassed Mr. Ammiano (and his gay ass).

Back to our funny, funny Governor. When the Governator vetoes a bill, he tends to include a little explanation as to why he did so. Arnold is so fed up with the Legislature at this point, it's a wonder he hasn't just sent every veto back with a bullet hole right through the middle of the failed legislation. But see, a bullet hole just wouldn't be funny. Well, not funny enough for Arnold. And it's too blatant. Subtle humor is some of the funniest humor.

When vetoing AB1176 which was sponsored by the aforementioned, looking-for-a-date-for-his-ass Mr. Ammiano, The Governator sent along this veto.

Seems innocuous enough, doesn't it? Not so fast. It seems as though Arnold, in a way that can only be described as sophomoric, yet brilliant (not to mention overdue and oh-so deserved), managed to include another little message which one could assume was directed toward Mr. Ammiano. That sentiment? Behold!

According to The Huffington Post, when this was brought to the attention of Schwarzenegger spokesman Aaron McLear his response was, "My goodness. What a coincidence." What a coincidence indeed! And what a most excellent response. "I suppose when you do so many vetoes, something like this is bound to happen." (Translation: "I suppose when you tell the Governor to kiss your gay ass, having him tell you to eff off is bound to happen. You're lucky you didn't get punched inside out, sir.")

Stay in school, kids! You can't have this kind of fun without a vast and solid vocabulary to work with!

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Thursday, October 29, 2009

That's Gonna Leave a Mark

It's October. It's really close to Halloween. Shouldn't you be putting a little bit of effort into your costume? Some effort, any effort? If not your costume, how about your disguise? Can't you at least use the motivation that it's the 'reason for the season' to come up with a good enough disguise that people won't recognize you (hence the term: disguise)? Well, if you're these geniuses in Carroll, Iowa, the answer is 'no'. A big, fat, resounding NO. Behold!

Oh, that's going to leave a mark. What the hell is that? THAT would be a one 20-year old (and clearly old enough to know better) Joey Lee Miller. But wait there's more! Behold!

And THAT would be a one 24-year old Matthew Allan McNelly. Both of these pinheads apparently hail from the bustling community of Carroll whose population was last counted to be 10,106. Hopefully the town is so small that everyone in it will know who these two chuckleheads are and will berate them relentlessly about this.

Here's the situation: According to the smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun on Friday night, a "...911 caller told cops that two hoodie-wearing males were trying to enter his apartment". That scenario is expanded upon by the hometown newspaper of Carroll, The Daily Times Herald. (I guess that the town is so small that they thought it would make them feel more 'big time' if they just included the name of every single major metropolitan newspaper in the name of their small town rag. Rumor has it the Daily Times Herald was chosen after The Daily Times Herald Sun Tribune News Post Haste was eliminated during a town-wide vote.) The report from Carroll states that "A resident...called 911 to report two men with their faces painted black were trying to break into an apartment." Not sure why that part is omitted from over at The Smoking Gun, but maybe it was something they were smoking.

Now, the reports aren't clear as to why the men did not enter the residence, but I'm guessing it had something to do, probably solely to do, with IQ. And that would be the combined IQ of the two of them! But shortly after the 911 was called, the men were pulled over in a traffic stop whilst driving the getaway car - a 1994 Buick Roadmaster. Behold!

Yes, I know that's a 1996 and not a 1994.  For God's sake, get a life.
How hot. Oh, that's just awesome. These two are awesome. I'm sure their parents are just beaming with pride! Tweedledee and Tweedledum were thought to have weapons on them, so they were taken into custody at gunpoint. "Each was charged with second-degree attempted burglary. McNelly was also charged with driving while intoxicated." Oh. I see. And another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

Of course. The seven words that accompany a story like the 99.9% of the time. "Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved." How much alcohol is the question I'd like answered. I'm guessing quite a bit if they were thinking that those 'disguises' were going to do anything at all other than get them arrested in less time than it took them to turn their face's into human Etch-a-Sketches.

Seriously, let's take a closer look at these "disguises for the mentally inadequate", shall we? Obviously, they both clearly overestimated the power of a Sharpie permanent marker and seemed to believe that it possessed the ability to grant them the power of invisibility. But they must have really overestimated the Sharpie power, as they didn't even bother to cover their whole face. They didn't even take the time to cover half of their faces. But I did notice that they did have the time to draw a little star here on the face of Mr. Miller. Behold!

Yep. That's a star all right. What was he going for? Captain America? Wonder Woman? Nacho Libre? It's a really little star. But if we look closer at the face of Dip-S Number 2, we see that he went for a larger star around his eye. Behold!

He also appeared to be going for some Frankenstein-esque stitches here.

And here.

It seems pretty obvious to me that Mr. McNelly was striving for either the Ace Frehley look or the Paul Stanley. I don't know what the hell Mr. Miller was striving for? A Care Bear, perhaps? I wonder when it was during this idea of sheer brilliance that they decided that a couple of drawn on Frankenstein stitches would not suffice for a disguise that would allow them to make a clean getaway in the Roadmaster?

What have we learned here? Plenty. Most importantly though, we've learned that if you don't have the $2.99 or whatever it is to spring for a ski mask to wear during your inept and destined for failure crime spree of one apartment, just don't bother. Draw on your face all you'd like, but stay home for the love of God. Stay the hell home.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Is That a Snake or Are You Happy to See Me?

I understand why people smuggle drugs. It's because there's enough money to be made that the rewards outweigh the risks. I mean, that's the kind of sense that it makes to the people who actually smuggle drugs. To me, the very real possibility of going to prison for eons does outweigh the rewards. That's the number one reason that I'm not a drug mule. (Well, that and the fact that I prefer to think of my sphincter as 'exit only'.) But while I understand the drug smuggling trade, I do not understand the creature smuggling trade.

And there are some pretty strict laws in place against smuggling animals of many sorts into a variety of countries. I don't think I'd be exaggerating if I surmised that the United States probably is more vigilant against people smuggling exotic animals into this country than they are against people smuggling other people into this country. (Oh! What am I saying?! Silly me, this country barely enforces the borders that it has! There's no need to smuggle! Just wander on over! Come on! Hola!)

I don't know how I would smuggle animals if I were to go into that line of work. I'd want to smuggle something cute, though. Like kittens or bunnies or puppies. Especially if I had to smuggle the creatures on my person. The cuter, the better if I'm doing that. I would absolutely NOT smuggle live royal pythons taped to my chest which, of course, means that I would also absolutely NOT smuggle live geckos taped to my legs. I especially wouldn't do this in Norway and if I did I surely wouldn't forget about the tarantula in my bag that would tip off the officials to my sinister scheme. I would NOT do any of that. But this guy would. Behold!

OH, what the hell is that? According to a section in the L.A. Times called L.A. Unleashed-all things animals in Southern California and beyond (doncha know?) THAT is a guy who was discovered "...during a routine customs check of passengers who had just arrived via ferry into Kristiansand." (By the way, Kristiansand is apparently in Norway. He was travelling from Denmark, if that's of any assistance to you.) Yeah, see, in each one of those little socks is a baby royal python and there's fourteen of the suckers! Behold!

Good Lord, I think I'm gonna be sick. Fourteen snakes. But wait! There's more! Behold!

::: whimper ::: What the hell is that, you ask? THAT would be ten, yes ten, ten cans of baby geckos! Bwah-ah-ahhhhh! (I feel like the Count from Sesame Street.) And, why yes, they are taped to his legs! What is wrong with people?! I don't know either, but here are the geckos. ::: sigh ::: Behold.

Well, according to The Sun, the guy claimed that "...he was a collector and had bought the creatures legally in Denmark." Um, I've known a lot of people that "collect" a lot of things, but that doesn't make it necessarily legal or anything. The ones that do "collect" things and are doing so legally certainly don't feel the need to tape them to any spare space that they may have and may not be using upon their body! Ever think you'll see a stamp collector do that? How about weird, still lives at home in the basement, baseball card collector guy? (Granted, he'll do weird stuff, but none of it will involve taping his baseball cards to his body. Yet.) By the way, just to give you some sort of an idea as to how many geckos this actually is (other than the number 12 I've already provided you), I've taken the liberty to Photoshop twelve geckos onto this man's legs. It's disgusting. Behold!

But I guess it doesn't matter if he bought them legally or what kind of a "collector" he is, importing reptiles into Norway (ie, taping them to your body and hoppin' on a ferry) is against the law. And while all of this is weird, here's the part that I really don't get. You wouldn't think I'd have to ask you to guess how they figured this out, would you? Seems pretty obvious how they figured it out, doesn't it? Well, it didn't quite happen that way.

No, see, they found a tarantula in his bag and that's when they decided that they'd give him a little full body search as well. Wait. What?

Correct. They found a tarantula in his bag. THAT is what tipped them off. The tarantula. In his bag. What in the world was this man wearing? The world's biggest parka? How can you not know that there are fourteen snakes and twelve geckos taped to someone's body? Are they not moving around? And look at that picture. It's not like they don't stick out a fair amount! You're telling me that if it weren't for that spider crawling around in his bag that he would have made it through customs with the reptile cage of the zoo strapped to himself? Are we supposed to be happy about that? I don't think I am. I just don't think I am.

So let's put all of this together, shall we? We've got the guy with the geckos and the pythons who gets caught smuggling all of these creatures on his person because of the inexplicable ONE tarantula in his bag. We've seen what the geckos all look like if they were just taped onto him instead of stuffed into what appear to be Skoal tins. Now let's see how many snakes that looks like, courtesy of yours truly here and Photoshop. Behold!

And they couldn't have figured this out without the tarantula in the bag?! I find that hard to believe. You're telling me they couldn't find THIS:

But THIS they caught onto right away:
OK, then. Good luck with that, Norway. Gooooooood luck with that.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Hot Dog Isn't News

I know I'm missing something here with this one. If anyone can help me figure it out, I'd be extremely grateful. The only thing is however, if the explanation for this which has me perplexed is simply that people are morons and will make a big deal over nothing just because they a) can, or b) want to, then I don't want to know that. I already fear that, I don't need to have it reaffirmed.

The Oakland Raiders of the NFL is a pathetic football organization. They are absolutely horrible. It is a team that is lacking in hap. That's right. They are hapless, if you will. And in Sunday's game against the New York Jets, the demonstrated once again just how lacking in hap they are. With their quarterback Jam-Orca Russell at the helm, they managed to finish the game with zero points. The Jets on the other hand, managed to finish the game with 38 points. Thus, the Jets won.

The Jets were up 24 to nothing at the half. Halfway through the fourth quarter is when the Jets scored their 38th point. All the way through the fourth quarter is when the Raiders scored none of their points. The Jets quarterback is an adorable lad by the name of Mark Sanchez. He's a rookie. But rookie or not, I don't know that anyone should have given a fat rat's ass about what he did on the sidelines of the game during the fourth quarter. But you'd think that he'd put on his helmet and forgot his pants with the amount of coverage that what he did was receiving on all of the sports shows. He did something that not only was noticed, was filmed and was shown over and over and over with the commentators who were calling the game mentioning it, but it was something that I guess because of the coverage, he felt he needed to say that he was sorry for and that he shouldn't have done. Intrigued yet? Just a wee bit curious as to what the naive little rookie QB did? I hope you're sitting down for this one. He ate a hot dog.

Wait. Is that it? A...a hot dog?

Correct. A hot dog. It seems as though the guy hadn't been feeling well for a few days and didn't eat before the game. Now, I cannot imagine playing a game in the NFL on an empty stomach. I mean, you've gotta run! If you can't run, you're gonna get tackled. It has to be hell to be tackled in the NFL as it is, but on an empty stomach? I think I'd be puking up my actual stomach. (They'd need a time out to take care of that!) You've gotta eat!

So he hadn't eaten before the game and, according to Hot Dog Sanchez (the ol' HDS) as quoted over there at the Huffington Post (who, by the way, went with the headline "Mark Sanchez Hot Dog Video: Jets QB Eats Hot Dog During Game" Good Lord, HuffPo....), he "wasn't feeling very good" and "a little queasy." And for some reason he thought that a stadium hot dog would make him feel less queasy. I don't know how that factors into the equation, but at least he didn't ask for nachos or something like that. (Hey! He wasn't Nate Newton playing for the Cowboys when he tackled someone and a Snickers bar popped out of his uniform! Give the guy a break!)

But taking the questionable medicinal purposes of a stadium wiener out of the equation, they're leading 38 to zero. I wouldn't care if the guy had a hot dog on the sidelines or a slab of prime rib with a side of horseradish! They're going to win! For all intents and purposes, they'd already won! The only reason they were still playing the game is because league rules state that you have to! But given the headline over at HuffPo and the coverage of the event (as the noshing of said dog was seen repeatedly on various evening sportscasts) you'd have thought this guy was eating explosives and planning to blow himself up when the final whistle blew. What the hell is wrong with people?

Clearly that question cannot be answered here or anywhere else for that matter, so we'll just do what we always do and chalk it up to folks being morons and in need of anything posing as either entertainment or controversial. (And really, this is kind of neither, so we're back to just folks being morons. It's not really OK with me, but it's expected.) Let's see how the scenario unfolded, shall we? The text of the flabbergasted commentators is below and the video is below that.

You know that life is good when you're the quarterback of the New York Jets and you can eat a hot dog on the sidelines. During the last TV time out, Mark Sanchez is trying his best to hide a hot dog...and eat it. Oh, wow!

Did that one guy really say "Oh, wow!" Good Lord, he did. ::: sigh ::: And apparently, life isn't good enough to whichever of those dough heads said that for one to just be the quarterback for the New York Jets. No, you have to be the quarterback AND eat a hot dog on the sideline. Only then will life be "good". you want to bet whether or not they could even control themselves so that they wouldn't ask him about it after the game? Please bet. Please bet and say that they could control themselves. Oh! Or better yet, please bet and say that they realized that a guy whose team is ahead 38 to nothing in the fourth quarter eating a hot dog during a TV time-out is not important. Please bet me that! The dialogue that wins me that bet is as follows:

Dumbass Commentator: "During TV time outs, we leave our cameras on..."

Hungry Mark Sanchez:"Yeah, I heard."

Dumbass Commentator: "Have you always been a mustard guy on your hot dog?"

Hungry Mark Sanchez: "Oh. Yeah, that was stupid. I didn't eat much before the game this morning. I couldn't eat. I had a terrible stomachache. And on the sideline I asked somebody for a hot dog and they got one. And I tried to eat it...and..."

Dumbass Commentator: So it was medicinal?"

Hungry Mark Sanchez:"Yeah, I wasn't feeling very good, but, uh, I'm going to get in trouble for that one, I bet. So, I'm sorry."

Dumbass Commentator: "Hey, Mark, have a good one!"

Hungry Mark Sanchez:"Thanks guys. You too!"

Did you read that? Did you get how they made him feel like he had to apologize for eating a hot dog on the sidelines? And he tells them that he's probably going to get in trouble for it and what do they say? "Have a good one!" They seem to gloss over the part about him getting in trouble. I can only imagine what he was thinking if, in fact, he really will "get in trouble" I'm guessing it would be something like: Thanks, asses! Thanks for pointing that out to the world. Appreciate it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat whatever I want without a camera on me and see if I have to keep talking about this.

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