She's Not Me

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Witchy Woman

This Christine O'Donnell woman who won the Republican nomination for the Senate in Delaware might just be the gift that keeps on giving. Apparently, she appear on Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" some 22 times during the course of its run. (Really? 22 times? In my reading up on this woman, it has yet to be explained to me why she was on any show at all. What does she do? What is her habitat? What does she feed her young? So many questions.) And now he wants her on his show. "Maher joked that he’s going to show a fresh clip of O’Donnell every week on his show until O’Donnell agrees to appear again on his show. “I’m just saying, Christine, it’s like a hostage crisis,” he said, “every week you don’t show up, I’m going to throw another body out.” And judging from the body that was thrown out yesterday, she's really going to need to think this one over...and quick.

The latest revelation to come via a clip from Bill Maher is brought to us by the fine folks over there at Think Progress. This was apparently a previously unaired clip. I have no idea why it was unaired, as it is simply fabulous. In the segment, Ms. O'Donnell, the anti-masturbation candidate, talks about her foray into (wait for it) witchcraft. That's right. Witchery. She said, "I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I'm not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do. One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar and I didn't know it. I mean, there was a little blood there and stuff like that....We went to a movie and then had a little picnic on a satanic altar."

OK, hold on a minute there, lady! How does one "dabble" in witchcraft? You had a cauldron, but no stir stick? You had the eye of newt, but not the tongue of frog? What does that mean? And what does it mean that you hung around folks "who were doing these things"? Doing what things? Chanting crazy spells and acting like they have powers? Those sort of things?

I'd also like to know how one goes on a date with an alleged (and likely self-proclaimed) witch and doesn't know it. Seriously, wouldn't the pointy hat give it away? And what movie does one go to see on a witchy first date? I mean, is it a Witches of Eastwick sort of deal or is it more of a Harry Potter-ish genre? I also have several questions about the "little blood" on the satanic altar. Um, so...how'd...how'd that get there? What kind of blood are we talking here? Like, biting the head off of a chicken, a la Ozzy Osbourne blood? Or sacrificing a human being to the all mighty Satan sort of blood? If I had to guess, I'd probably go with the red paint from Home Depot wanna be blood. But that's just a guess.

You know, witches aren't real. There are people who call themselves witches. They're real. But the as for being able to do the real witch stuff? I'm not so sure that there's a lot of validity in their craft. (I mean, flying on a broom? That doesn't seem like it would work all that well.) But I'd really like to know what those two kids did on their second date, I can tell you that. Oh, but in her defense (if there is such a thing in this matter), she did make it clear that she did not join a coven, so that's something! I don't know what, but it is absolutely something. (What would that entail do you suppose? The whole joining of the coven? Like some sort of sorority initiation or something? Is there hazing involved? What about a keg?)

She's only been the nominee for less than a week and we've already be privy to her anti-masturbation stance and her tendency to go on dates with witches atop a satanic altar. (I still really want to know what they ate at the picnic.) And I'm sure that there are more glorious revelations to come. In the meantime, if you're still a little confused on who Christine O'Donnell is and what she stands for (sort of), you can check out the always amusing and sometime enlightening Taiwanese animation of the whole deal. Please do not let the scene in which the young farm boy is choking a chicken go by without acknowledging the double entendre. It's sheer genius is what it is.

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Halloween Crackpots

Ah, yes. Leave it to the wingnut crackpots in the tele-evangelical scam profession to use Halloween to make up a bunch of crap and spread it around claiming it's the word of Jesus. Granted, I don't know with 100% certainty that the particular crap I'm about to mock here is not the word of God and/or Jesus, but I'm 99.99% sure that it's not. (I'm saving that .01% just to ensure that I won't go to hell for this. Hedge your bets. That's what I always say.)

A one Kimberly Daniels wrote a Halloween column as a Guest Writer for CBN. CBN stand for the Christian Broadcasting Network. It's one of your typical mass evangelical organizations which take from the poor in order to make themselves rich and do so under the guise of it being for God or Jesus (both of whom I highly doubt authorized any of it). If you haven't already thought of it by now, think Jim and Tammy Faye Taker. I mean Faker. I mean Bakker! Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. Sheesh. Talk about subliminal typing. Her post was entitled "The Danger of Celebrating Halloween". Now I should have guessed that it wouldn't be about some real danger like creepy people who always look like they're wearing a costume or unwrapped candy that had metal shards poking out of it. No, her column was about fake danger. That is to say, not danger at all.

I will give her this: It was one of the most unintentionally hilarious articles I have read in quite some time! She starts off by explaining the etymology of the word "Halloween" and concluding that it's the day of service for Lucifer. I don't know about you, but I don't share my candy with anyone and that includes this Lucifer fellow (who kinda looks like Wolverine in that photo there). But wait! There's more!

What about things like "Decorating buildings with Halloween scenes, dressing up for parties, going door-to-door for candy, standing around bonfires and highlighting pumpkin patches"? Do you ever participate in any of those activities around or on Halloween? If so, you should know that they "...are all acts rooted in entertaining familiar spirits. All these activities are demonic and have occult roots." Ah, yes. Decorating buildings. A sure sign of Satan at work. What the hell, woman?! Pumpkin patches?! Demonic?? Tell me something, are these demonic pumpkin patches ONLY demonic AT Halloween time? Or are they demonic all year 'round? I don't see how they could only be seasonally demonic, so they must be demonic all year 'round. Thus, she is clearly calling to an end of all pumpkin harvesting, growing and any other pumpkin related activity which takes place in a patch. (I can only assume that the poor woman who wrote this has had her mind riddled with syphilis. It's the only way to explain such completely baseless thoughts and assertions.)

She insists that we know "the truth". And what is that? Well, "The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon." I, too, have prayed for those howling at the moon. I have prayed for them to shut the hell up, as I am usually trying to sleep during said howling. Can't they howl during the day when most folks are awake? It would really be less disruptive if they could. And where does one meet these "witches who are addicted to drinking blood"? Is there some sort of group or meeting for that? If so, why in the hell is she going there?

She also gives us a list of the "secret" activities that go on during Halloween. I was guessing that they would sort of be like the "secret" menu at In and Out Burger. You know, the kind of "secret" that everyone knows, but that just isn't publicly displayed? Nope. This stuff that she came up with really is a secret because I can't imagine that any of these things actually happen (which is probably why no one knows about them). Let's run the list, shall we? Ahem...behold!

The word "occult" means "secret." The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include:

Sex with demons
Orgies between animals and humans
Animal and human sacrifices
Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
Revel nights
Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant.

Um, well. I don't rightly know what to say. Sex with demons? Come on! I've had sex with some very questionable individuals in my time, but I'd hardly go as far as to say that they were demons! Animal & human orgies? You folks need help! I don't know if you need God or Jesus, but some help you could definitely use. Casting of spells? I suppose if you believe in that sort of thing that it would be concerning. However, if you're not so much into the casting of spells, who gives a crap. Cast away! Can I polish your cauldron for you? Weirdos. Ooh-Ooh!! But those "time released" curses against the ignorant? Could you tell me how to do those? I'm really interested in that aspect of these demonics. In fact, that would come in quite handy for me in my day to day life, really.

But here is my absolute favorite claim that she makes. "During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."

Um, I don't think it has. Sorry. I just don't. Dedicated and prayed over by witches...how? Like, are these witches employed by the candy companies? Hershey's? M&M-Mars? The folks who make the glorious, glorious Reese's? Are you telling me that they employ witches to "dedicate and pray" over their batches of candy? Are they year 'round employees or just seasonal? (Is there a benefit package? What are their hours? Are uniforms involved? Do they have name tags?) And how exactly does said dedication and pray-ation occur? I'm picturing the witches being hung in some sort of harness and just swung all over the production lines like some sort of wayward pendulum. Maybe they have a wand, perhaps a scepter, but there is definite cackling involved! Eye of newt, tongue of frog, that sort of chanting probably accompanies all of the scepter waving. It really sounds like quite a distraction for the other employees who do not get to swing from suspended cables. I would be distracted.

Halloween is Halloween. I plan on handing out demonic, prayed over candy and I might just stand by a bonfire or two just to really give the devil a good ol' temptin'! Place all of the curses and spells you want upon me, but I don't want to know a damn thing about anyone's sex with demons. Don't ask, don't tell. That's my Halloween motto from here on out.

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She's Witch-Free!

You know, sometimes people will hear something about someone, (let's just say, for hypothetical purposes, like a political candidate for Vice President who happens to be the hottest thing fifty miles east of Russia) that is a little bit strange or different and they will neglect to see the positive in it. Instead, all they can focus on is the strangeness and the weirdness. The positive aspects, in some ways, could be the most valuable and yet they're being completely overshadowed by the bizarre. Here's what I mean...

From the folks over there at the Associated Press, we learn that "A video on her (Sarah Palin's) hometown church Web site shows her being blessed three years ago by a Kenyan pastor who prayed for her protection from "witchcraft" as she prepared to seek higher office." She was subsequently deemed to be free from witchcraft and free from witches. I see. Wait. What?

Now, the video was unearthed by the National Enquirer. (I'm not saying that diminishes any sort of validity that the video may have. After all, it was the National Enquirer who kept saying for months that the weasel of all slimy weasels, John Edwards, had cheated on his cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth with some floozie videographer. And the National Enquirer was right. So they do have some credibility. Not a lot, but a little bit more than before the John Edwards thing.) The video "shows Palin standing before Bishop Thomas Muthee in the pulpit of the Wasilla Assembly of God church, holding her hands open as he asked Jesus Christ to keep her safe from "every form of witchcraft." " The Associated Press also reports that "Palin does not say anything on the video and keeps her head bowed throughout the blessing." Huh. OK, then.

Granted, I find this odd. And by odd I mean really freaking strange. What the hell is she doing with some voodoo doctor who might as well be dancing around in a grass skirt, speaking in tongue and waving a chicken bone in the air?! That can't be good for anyone (let alone the chicken).

So, as you can imagine, a lot of people are freaking out about this. I was freaking out about this at first also. But then, that's when I thought that this really isn't that bad. In fact, it's kind of good. She's free from witches. Well, that's GREAT! I don't want a Vice President that is NOT free from witches! I can't have someone in the White House all witch-y and stuff. She's witch-free! And that's how I like most things in my life to be - without witches! See? It's not so bad!

Ah, the media. Always looking for the negative. But here I managed to take the most whack-a-doodle of whack-a-doodle and, by some miracle, find that silky, silvery lining that makes everything just fine. No witches is good in my book! Spread the word!

Do we know if Joe Biden is free of witches? I don't think we do! He may not be! And do you really want to take that chance? That's the question only you can answer. (I certainly can't answer it because after that load of crap I just spewed out, I'm not going to be taken seriously for at least another hour and a half.)

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