Saturday, January 31, 2009

Words of the Week

It hasn't been too bad of a week for people to say things that either make me laugh or make me wonder how the person has managed to keep themselves alive all of these years. It's also made me realize what a clueless, fast talking snake Nancy Pelosi is. How did she get to be Speaker of the House? How? How did that happen?! From what I can tell, there is no one more pleased with Nancy Pelosi than Nancy Pelosi. But, then again, I don't think her level of expectation is all the high know. Take that for what it's worth. (Nothing. It's worth NOTHING.)

"And then I thought about Mandela, Dr. King, Gandhi and, uh, and try to put some perspective in all of this." - The now former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich when he was on his whirlwind morning television media tour before his impeachment trial began. The man is being charged with corruption up the wazoo (and if you've ever had corruption up your wazoo, you know it's not pretty) and he not only has the balls to deny the charges on every single TV show that will have him as he plays the victim role, he also compares himself to Nelson Mandela?! Dr. Martin Luther King?! Freaking Gandhi?!? Yeah, they're the same.

"We do encourage breast feeding a lot. And she is planning to breast feed the babies." - That from one of the doctors who delivered the octuplets that were born in Southern California this week. Um, being female, I'm going to do the anatomical math here. Let's see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven...eight. Eight children. Just a Two breasts. Yep, that's going to be a problem. It's breast feeding, not udder feeding. Good luck with that.

"And as we rounded the corner, I saw one of the angriest and ugliest women I have ever seen in my life. Oh, she was really bad. She charged my car with a sign...held the sign right up to the car window that said, "STAY OUT OF MY WOMB!" NO problem, lady! No problem." - That's George H.W. Bush speaking to some group of people somewhere this week. That's hilarious. Now that guy can tell a pretty good story. Too bad his son didn't inherit that trait.

"Can you imagine what they would do to me if I told that joke that he just told?" - A one Bill Clinton, lamenting that just because he slept with that ONE intern (that we know about) the topic of women as joke material and/or fodder is off limits for him, but free game for anyone else. Hey, Bill! Just be glad no one knows about the others, all right? You wouldn't get to speak about anything if that got out! (Oh, but I kid! There's no "proof" that he was trading cigars with anyone else whilst he was President. Nope. None. Then again, there's no "proof" that his wife has a human soul, but..well, you see what I'm saying, right?)

"If you're saying those things, you should be WAY hotter." - Seth Myers from Saturday Night Live on David Letterman's little late night show. Seth was comparing Joe Biden to one of those really hot women that tend to say inappropriate things and whose husband/boyfriend/escort/whatever always has to give them some sort of a sign to pipe down. Seth mentioned Obama has this little hand move that he does when Biden has said just about enough. And then he said that quote is probably what runs through Obama's mind when Biden starts to go off on one of his ten minute tangents. (We might not have W in the White House anymore to feed us an endless supply of amusing verbage, but I have the feeling ol' Veep Biden will do just fine.)

"Well, the family planning services reduce cost...They reduce COST. The states are in terrible...fiscal, uh, budget crises now and part of what we do for children's health...for education...for some of those elements is to help the their financial needs... One of those, uh, one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, is...will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government." (Nod...Nod...Nod.)" - That blather from a one snakelike creature, Nancy Pelosi, in response to George Stephanopoulus's question as to how on earth contraception (which was in the new "stimulus package") will stimulate the economy. Yep. THAT was her answer. What the hell?! That answer is what I am referring to as an iPod Shuffle answer. You know how you can put your iPod on 'Shuffle' and it just plays random songs for you? That's how Nancy Pelosi formed her answer. She put her vocabulary on shuffle and those words flew out of her mouth! It's the head nodding that just slays me. It's as if she is trying to get George to agree with her simply because he sees her head moving in that up and down direction and will think, "Oh! Nodding! I know nodding! Nodding is good! Good! Good!!" Ugh.

And finally...."Apostrophes denote possessions that are no longer accurate, and are not needed. More importantly, they confuse people. If I want to go to a restaurant, I don't want to have an A-level (high school diploma) in English to find it." - This said by a one Councilor Martin Mullaney of Birmingham on why the second largest city in England has decided to drop the use of the apostrophe from all street signs. Their rationale is that it's confusing. Given Mr. Mullaney's explanation, I'm confused. I'm confused as to why they're removing the apostrophe from street signs, but he's telling us about needing a high school diploma in order to read a menu at a restaurant. Yes, I can see how the apostrophe would contribute to your getting so confused that you're ordering your food off of a street sign. What does that have to do with anything? Where is this restaurant with the overly confusing menu? Einstein's Cafe? Quantum Physics Deli? Where?

We're doomed.

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Friday, January 30, 2009

The Human Nunchucks of Crime

I know it's still just January, but I'm pretty sure I have a winner for Dumbest Criminals of the Year. It's an instance of life imitating the Three Stooges, except there were only two of them. It's a glaring example of how important it is to really think things through before you do them and, more importantly in this case, while you're doing them. And it also goes to show that criminals always seem to think that they're smarter than they really are.

From the charming folks across the pond at The Telegraph we are taken to New Zealand where this tale unfolds. It's the tale of two criminal morons. A one Regan Reti, age 20, and a one Tiranara White, age 21. (Tiranara? Got yourself some NFL aspirations there, do you?) young and so dumb. Shame. Anyway, these two Einsteins were at the Hastings District Court on New Zealand's North Island. (Why they feel the need to get overly detailed with the location is beyond me. I don't know where the North Island of New Zealand is and I'm not looking it up, either. I can get the full effect of the story without knowing that. "Outside" would have been a fine description for me.) They were apparently leaving the courthouse after Reti had just been "...sent to prison for more than two years after being convicted of assault" and White had been " custody for allegedly stealing a car and violating his parole conditions." Clearly not the brightest bulbs on the tree, those two.

And due to their combined dimness, the pair decided to make a break for it and run. Did I mention that they were chained together? Yeah, they were. Handcuffed together. Now, picture Larry and Curly or Moe or even Shemp in this situation. They're handcuffed together, they're running from the police, they're in public and obstacles abound. But what they forget is that they are not going to be defying the physical properties of the handcuffs, no matter how fast they run. No will they be able to escape from their latest arch nemesis, The Pole.

According to a one Sergeant Greig, "As they were being led from the Hastings police cells ... they made a bolt for freedom. They fell over and they were sprayed with pepper spray. But they got up and ran out of the court onto the street, across the road to a car park. That's where they met the pole – it was all over, Rover." I love the New Zealander police! It was all over, Rover. Excellent color commentary, my dear man. Simply excellent.

He's right about Rover, though. It was all over. They slammed into that pole, one numbnut on one side of it and the other numbnut on the opposite side and when the chain hit as they were running at full speed, hilarity did ensue. They flew around that pole in opposite directions like human nunchucks. Add some Three Stooges-esque sound effects and some popcorn and you've got yourself a very entertaining 45 seconds or so. One New Zealand news station reported that "it was one of the worst escape attempts ever seen." I'd have to agree.

Ah, stupidity. It really is the most effective tool in the arsenal in the fight against crime. The video is below. I highly recommend giving it a gander. It's good stuff.

And if you don't feel like you've had your share of people chained together trying to escape from custody, you're in luck because morons who get themselves arrested and try this stunt are abundant! (Apparently. Who knew?) Over there at TRUtv (via that link) they have a video of what they are billing as "The Worst Jail Break Ever" and I'd have to agree with them. Now those Crazy Canucks (they're attempting this feat in Ontario) that tried escaping in that instance had the full cast for a Three Stooges re-enactment. That's right. Not one. Not two. But three. Three morons! All chained together like Idiots on Display! Their nemesis? That tireless combatant of evil and defender of justice, The Pole!

After watching that video, it had me wondering if there was some sort of underground society of moronic criminals where they sit around (probably chained together) and give each other bad advice because the exact same thing happened to these three jokers as it did to the mates down there in New Zealand. Run, run, run. Spread out right before y'all reach the pole. Run your chain into the pole at full speed. Fly around the pole a bit before crashing into each other and falling to the ground. Ah, yes. An afternoon cartoon at its finest.

The cop that untangled them from each other (and the pole) said it best when he told them, "You also have the right to remain stupid." They apparently opted in. Enjoy prison, dumbasses. Be wary of any large metal objects firmly cemented into the ground, especially if you're running with another human being chained to you at the time.

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

What Did She Say?

Again, congratulations to President Barry. And I'm not about to imply that he isn't President because of the debacle that was the administering of the oath. That's not it. There are just a couple of things I wanted to bring up in regards to the oath however. Well, the oath process more than the oath itself. The oath itself was fine. The process of administering the oath was a disaster.

Pretty much, Barry managed to raise his right hand correctly and have his other hand on the Bible. After that, it's all downhill. You wouldn't think that would be possible. The Presidential oath is only 37 words. I'd think it'd more than that. It definitely gives the incoming President way too much leeway and way too much credit for what he is or is not capable of doing. Here it is:

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

See what I mean? It needs something in there like, 'Thou shalt not be a dumbass." ('Thou shalt nots' always makes things sound like you really need to do them.) "The best of my ability"? What kind of a promise is that? This is a person that was elected by the American people who are, by and large, idiots. It is not out of the realm of possibility that a complete moron was elected. (It's not like no one can argue that its never happened before!) What's the best of a moron's ability? Not good enough for me! That's what it is! But I digress.

When Chief Justice John Roberts is reciting what he thinks is the Oath of Office and gets it wrong, Barry stops and gives him a chance to correct himself. (I liked the subtle head nod that he gave him. No need to embarrass the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court before Barry is officially his boss or anything. Just a nod of the ol' noggin and Roberts caught on.) Roberts begins with, "I, Barack Hussein Obama" and then he pauses. Just briefly, but he pauses. And that seems to signal to Barry that it's his turn to repeat what Roberts just said. So just as Barry speaks, Roberts continues with "Do solemnly swear." I halfway expected Nelson from The Simpsons to jump out and yell, "Ha-HA!"

He attempts to continue by saying, "That I will execute the office to President of the United States faithfully" What the hell was that? "The office to President"? That's not the oath. That's not anything. That's just John Roberts making stuff up is what that is. Tell me, who in their right mind goes up to inaugurate a President (who could be Jesus, if you listen to his throngs of followers. Man, I'd love to have throngs of followers. Heck, I'd settle for just a throng.) for the very first time and doesn't have the shpiel written on a little notecard or a cocktail napkin or something? No one except for John Roberts, apparently! Is he going to apologize to President Barry for muffing it up? Probably only if he gets President Barry to say he's sorry for being the only "No" vote when Roberts was being confirmed for the Supreme Court. And I don't see that happenin', so I guess not!

But then, after Barry (he's not President at this point) waits for him to correct himself, then Barry goes and says it the way that Roberts phrased it the first time. That is also known as "the wrong way"! What was up with all of that? Quite possibly the worst Oath of Office ceremony ever. (And just so that administration didn't start off with a major conspiracy theory about whether or not he was actually President after that farce, Barry took the oath of office again on the following day. Probably a good idea, what with a bunch of slipshod bloggers out there whipping up who knows what kind of a frenzy over that one!)

And here's a question: Why is Barry so far away from John Roberts? Why are they not closer together? And why does the photo below make it appear as is Malia Obama is President of the United States, as she appears to be standing directly behind the podium?! I don't have a problem with it, I just find it funny. Does Malia have any ideas about the economy? Perhaps if her Dad tanks it, we can hear from her in the future.

But there's another part of Inauguration Day 2009 that hasn't been talked about much and that's really a shame because it's far more amusing that the oath blunders themselves.

First off, I just want to state that I really like Dianne Feinstein. She's an excellent Senator and does a fine job. I like the woman. That being said, when she introduced Chief Justice Roberts...? Um....I'm pretty sure she didn't say "...will administer the Oath of Office." Yeah, I'm fairly certain that she said "....will administer the Oaf of Office." I swear. I have listened to the clip at least twenty times and I have watched the video of her speaking to see if her mouth does the "f" sound or the "th" sound and it looks like the "f" sound. (Actually, that would be rather appropriate because when I first heard it live, I, too, used the "f" sound as I thought, "WTF? Did she say 'oaf' ?!"

The Oaf of Office? What the hell is up with that?! Barry isn't the Oaf of Office! The Oaf of Office is going back to Crawford, Texas as soon as this ceremony is over! He's the Oaf! Oaf?! Oaf??!! It's Oath!! Oath!! (I am naturally reminded of the scene in The Muppet Movie where Kermit is telling Miss Piggy about something that is a myth. "Myth! Myth!" he shouts. That's when a waitress pops out of nowhere. "Yes?" Hilarious.)

But all witty banter aside, how did she say 'oaf'? She speaks very clearly, makes more sense than most of the Senators, hasn't had a stroke, isn't crazy, isn't a reality show cast member, didn't seem drunk. I don't get it. Dianne Feinstein knows that it's "oath", doesn't she? She knows it's not "oaf", right? You be the judge. The video is below. (The video is from YouTube. It's not my editing, captioning, anything. It's just here.) The entire clip is 4 minutes and 16 seconds long, but Dianne Feinstein starts talking at about 10 seconds and she's already said "oaf of office" by the 23 second mark and John Roberts attempt to swear Barry into office is immediately after that. You can watch the rest if you'd like, but the key points are straight from the beginning and last about a minute. (I like efficiency, what can I say?)

It sounded like 'oaf'. It looked like 'oaf'. WTF, I think she said 'oaf'! Geez. Well, I'm glad that Barry was finally able to take the oath or oaf or whatever it was and is now our President. Can I just ask that the country be run a little smoother than the swearing in part? I don't need someone getting all confused and instead of saying "stimulus" they say "Depression". We don't need that sort of oaf in charge of getting things back on track around here.

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Please Stay Within Your Own Species

I was going to write about the freaking stimulus bill and how we can all just kiss our hard earned cash, along with our ass, goodbye. While I really love this system of government we have over here, I'm going to need a bit more convincing that it's a good idea to have a Congress where only 15% of the members have some sort of formal schooling in the field of economics, is making decisions that involve almost a trillion dollars (Yes, that's "trillion" with a "t". "T" as in "There goes my money."). I've decided that what would make me more comfortable is if when these Congress people are explaining what they want to do with the money to stimulate the economy, they need to show me a chart (with at least three colors) that explains how their little plan is going to work. That's all I want. Show me how it's going to do anything, anything at all, and I'm in. Doesn't matter what kind of chart. Bar. Graph. Pie. (Mmmmm...pie.) Any kind of chart will do. Who do I talk to?

But I decided I'm too angry to write about the stimulus bill. So instead, I'm going with the stand-by topic that never fails. That's right, I'm going with the penis. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.)

And here's today's tale of someone getting at least exactly what they deserved. Over yonder there in Moscow, a one 44-year old, drunken Alexander Kirilov was feeling the need for some lovin' in the midst of his drunken stupor. So, he did what no one would do and decided to rape a raccoon. Wait. What?

That's correct. A raccoon. Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the raccoon, they are definitely not intended for cross breeding. Just ask the raccoon! No, they're just an annoying animal that will get into your trash cans and make a mess. They look adorable until they decide that they want to kill you by using their razor sharp claws to remove all of the flesh from your face and then that's when you notice that they bear a striking resemblance to the devil. (Just a little side note here from a bit of personal experience I've had with raccoons: Two raccoons doing it in your backyard at 5am make a hell of a lot of noise. Good Lord, what is he doing to her?! She doesn't sound happy about it. Pipe down! We're sleeping!)

But back to the Coon Raper. According to a one fabulously saucy The Sun, Alexander the Drunken and Perverted Idiot decided he was going to have sex with the raccoon. The raccoon, on the other hand, had different plans. As Alexander moved in to begin, um, wooing (???) the raccoon, the raccoon moved in on him and began, um, biting off his penis, that is correct!

The Sun reports that he told the completely stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow, "When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun.” Did you now? Huh. Is that what you had in mind, you sick and twisted crap weasel you? A little penis munching by a nocturnal mammal? What? No?! Well, then you got yourself a surprise, didn't you? Yeah, I can imagine.

Look, I've been drunk before. I've been really drunk before. Nothing wrong with a little drunkenness every once in a while. (Every once in a while = 5pm nightly) But I've never been have-sex-with-a-raccoon-for-fun drunk ever. Not many have, I would imagine. (Thank God.)

The Sun reports that "Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood." His mangled manhood. Wow. You don't want you manhood mangled. No, siree. You definitely do not want that. (Though "Mangled Manhood" would be a pretty good name for a band.) And according to "a pal",He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off." No, you sure can't sew it back on, can you?

So, what exactly would be left to "work again" I wonder? The little stump ranger that's left? How might you explain that to any future, um, women (Humans! They must be human at the very least!) that you use that charming personality of yours to lure them into your bed? You're going to have to come up with a pretty good story because I'll tell you this, if you tell that chick, "Oh, it's nothing. It was just bitten off by this raccoon that I tried to rape one night when I was drunk. C'mere, baby." your "date" there is over! Over and she's gone! If the door to the bedroom was shut, there will be a hole shaped like your date in the door after she bolts through it like a cartoon character (complete with that scrambling feet sound and a cloud of smoke left in her wake).

That being said, he's going to have to get pretty good at using that thing again. Though I don't imagine he was all that suave with it before it was gnawed off. I mean, come on, he was trying to stick it in a raccoon. (Maybe it was his first day.)
The "pal" also stated the obvious when expressing his lack of optimism about the reconstruction of his pal's mangled manhood. “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with." True. When something is "gone forever" you really don't have it around anymore, do you? Boy, that guy's a genius just like his buddy there. Where was he when Alexander went a-coonin'? Off flirting with squirrels? Hitting on Bambi? Who knows? (I wouldn't be messing with the squirrels. They get as mean as that raccoon did. They might not leave you with anything. Could end up all concave down there, fellas. And no one wants that. Not even the squirrel.)

And there you have it. So, what have we learned? Not one freaking thing that we didn't already know, that is correct! Never try to do a raccoon, lest you want your manhood mangled and missing. That is all.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Is There Anything Animals Can't Do?

I was going to wait until my consultant for all things that are water had gotten back to me before I went ahead with this post, but I couldn't wait. This needed to be addressed NOW.

Apparently, there is a Naval Base Kitsap-Bangor. Clearly, it's a US Navy Naval Base. Not so clear is where it's located, but I learned it was across Puget Sound by Seattle. The Navy feels the need to have the waters around the Naval Base patrolled. That sounds reasonable to me. Now, being as how it is a Naval Base I assumed that it would be the (stay with me here) Navy that did the patrolling. Not so. Not so. The Navy, the one that I thought would do all of the patrolling and protecting, has a different idea. They feel that the waterfront should be patrolled and guarded by (wait for it).....dolphins and sea lions. Wait. By dolp...and...what? WTF?

Oh! It gets better! Trust me! They're going to have a meeting in February to discuss this. Yes. It's actually up for discussion to have Flipper and Friends keep our country safe! According to the unbelievable article over there at the Kitsap Sun, "The Navy is considering five options: California sea lions and Atlantic bottlenose dolphins; just sea lions; combat swimmers; remotely operated vehicles; and no change. The sea lions-only option was added after the public suggested it in 2007, said Navy spokeswoman Sheila Murray." The "sea lions only option was added after the public suggested it"?!?! This is why you don't leave things open to the general public to just throw out ideas! We all know the public is chock full of morons! They'll say anything! "Sea lions" "Sea lions ONLY!" "What about Shamu? Is he available?" "Get the big seahorse that Aquaman rides on!" "Get Aquaman!" What the hell is the US Navy doing listening to the public anyway? Good Lord, we're doomed.

Apparently, not doing anything "...wouldn’t comply with terrorism-related requirements". They don't specify what those requirements are, but I'm guessing that they're something along the lines of "Do Something." And that works for me, really. Well, it did. Until I learned that "something" included "dolphins and sea lions" being in charge. But I'm just slow, I guess because "The Navy’s preferred alternative is dolphins and sea lions. It has used them for 40 years." Um, it's the Navy's preferred alternative to what? People?! I'm sorry, I didn't realize that there was an alternative to people. And I certainly didn't realize that it meant animals. (Though they could be a suitable alternative for bloggers. No one would notice, really.)

But get this...get what they say these animals can do. Ready? You're not. Trust me. I wasn't. I'm still all a-boggle over this. First the dolphins.
  • "If they found an intruder, they would swim back to the boat and alert the handler, who would place a strobe light on one of the dolphin’s noses. The dolphin would race back and bump the intruder’s back, knocking the light off. The light would float to the surface, marking the spot. The dolphin would swim back to the boat, join the handler, and they would clear out. Security guards would race to the strobe to subdue the intruder."

Oh, my God. What?!? Now hold on before you go getting all a-boggled as well. While stunningly fascinating, the sea lions dealio will really floor you. The sea lions:

  • Sea lions can carry in their mouths special cuffs attached to long ropes. If they found a suspicious swimmer, they would clamp the cuff around the person’s leg. The intruder can then be reeled in for questioning.

They can DO that?!?! Really?! Since when? I want to see that! I want to see that now! I thought they were limited to that beach ball on the nose trick! (And quite frankly, that gets old after about the second time around. For me and for the sea lion, I would imagine.) I'd much rather see this!! Holy crap! Special cuffs. In their sea lion-y little mouths. Which clamp! Which they, the sea lion, clamp! Onto an intruder-y leg! Wow!

"The Navy likes the marine mammal option because the dolphins’ biosonar is better than any man has made and they’re best for covering ground in open water." The best as compared to what though? Large boats and ships that the US Navy uses? I'm not feeling quite so safe and secure as I was just about 20 minutes ago before I read this story. (Hey, I'm on a coast! It's relevant! Ah, who am I kidding? I have the attention span of a gnat. I'll forget all about this probably before I...hey! A quarter!)

As for the sea lions, well their "...sonar range isn’t as good, but they can see and hear better underwater and are better for shallower work around piers. They are reliable, available, less expensive". I'm glad that the US Navy checked to make sure that the sea lions were "available". That was considerate of them to not impose upon the daily routine of said sea lions. Very accommodating to have the sea lions check their schedule and see if they were busy or when they could squeeze in a little coastal protection duty for the Navy. I'm guessing it was probably between "swim on back while eating fish" and "lie on rock after eating fish". Boy, that's a busy day right there if you're a sea lion. And they are less expensive than say, oh, a person who might want to be paid for such a job. That's true! Sea lions almost never demand payment or sue you for back pay and wages. Rarely does that ever happen. Rarely.

So, seriously, where do I go to see the sea lion put the leg clamp on a bad guy? That's the coolest thing I've heard all year. I know it's only January, but it's going to be hard to top! The article says that there is a public comment period that runs until March 1, 2009. I'm thinking I might have to drop those folks a line and ask them where I can see this for myself. They'd have to admit that it's pretty amazing, don't you think? They'd understand why I feel the need to witness this myself. It's not classified or anything (though I'm wondering why in the world it isn't. You have these creatures that you've just plucked out of the ocean and put to work for the US Navy. That's not exactly something I'd think you'd want everyone to know...especially the evil doers. I guess it might not matter, though, because are the evil doers really going to believe it? Not until Flipper is hurling a beacon at his little dinghy would he start thinking that the United State and her mammals mean business!).

I think that I've heard of all of this before, but I don't know that I took it all too seriously. There are a lot of stories floating around out there that don't necessarily pan out into much. Lone gunman. Geometry. Lots of stuff. I guess I just figured this was one of those. Apparently not. I would still like to know when it was that we decided we were on such good terms with the ocean denizens that we could just put them to work for us. (We kind of tried that once before but in another capacity in this country. That didn't go so well.) And if I think about it, I guess I'm not surprised that the Navy would rather have the animals doing this stuff than humans. Humans are morons, so I'm kinda relieved they went with the water mammals instead. On the other hand, I am just fascinated by the fact that we can train these creatures to do this for us. And they do! I mean, I've gotta say, if it were me? I'm not so sure I'd be quite so willing. What's in it for me? Fish? Again? Hmmm. How much fish? Oh! Really? Huh. Lemme think about it. I'll get back to you.

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Monday, January 26, 2009

There's Someone For Everyone

I think I'm fairly convinced that there is someone out there for everyone. No matter what your little quirks may be, no matter how deranged you are, no matter if you're dumber than a box of hair, there is someone out there just for you, my friend! Just for you! And thanks to the wonderful invention of tubes and pipes that is otherwise known as the Internet, you actually have a fairly decent chance of finding that one person on the planet who will put up with your sorry ass. It doesn't matter what your interests are or what you, personally, are like, there are others out there like you. A passion for stamp collecting? They're out there. Crazy about model trains? They're out there. Fornicating with livestock? Unfortunately, they're out there too. (And from what I can tell, in disturbingly large numbers at that.) But the point is they're there! They're there and they're for you!

But alas, if only the Internet could always come to the rescue and salvation of those who need it the most. If it could have, things might have been different for at least two lives out there. Well, they were lives. Not so much anymore. And it's a shame. But they would have been perfect for each other with a capital 'P'. Per-fec-to.

A couple of weeks ago we heard the tale of a one Gordon Stewart who had died in his own home after becoming disoriented in the tunnels (yes, tunnels!) or garbage (yes, garbage!) that ran through his home (yes, his home!). He was unable to find his way out of his Habitrail of Refuse and, sadly, died in there. The man had a hard time parting with things, he did. He didn't throw anything away and always came home with more stuff. (That information gleaned from his neighbors who were less than helpful due to their inability to supply useful information during the interview process.) Bags upon bags and piles upon piles of stuff, stuff and more stuff.

Now, the mind of a hoarder is an interesting one. As you would imagine, it's very full in there! I don't know what it is that compels them to keep every single thing ever, to the point where they are crawling around through a maze-like structure in their own home as if it were some trash labyrinth over there in Greece (minus the Minotaur and naked warriors). Whatever it is, I'm sure that it's the same sort of compulsion that drives another sort of hoarder to shop and shop and keep on shopping. Right up until the inevitable, and in this case, deadly, little slogan comes to mind. That's right. Shop 'til you drop. Or until things drop on you. Either way, after it happens, you're dead. And buried. But not in the ground. No, underneath the stuff in your own house that fell on top of you and killed you. Wait. What?

Correct. Another death attributable to the inexplicable hoarding of more stuff than any one person (or any one small third world country) should ever have in their lifetime. Now, the Mail Online has taken to referring to a one 77-year old Joan Cunnane as "The Spinster Shopaholic". (I don't think I will be following suit, but figured I'd throw it in because, well, it is kinda funny.) And really, that sort of an unflattering moniker is really unnecessary as she's dead and not by what I would call "natural causes" either. No, this sweet looking older woman was crushed by a falling tower of suitcases in her home when she went into a way too full closet to look for God only knows what. What ever it was, she definitely didn't see the toppling suitcases right before they crushed her.

She had crammed so much crap into her bungalow that she only had a 2 foot wide path to get around. And as wrong as that sounds, I'm giving her credit for not having tunnels! That's a good thing! Naturally, she had a garage filled to the top with stuff AND she also took the extra step of having her CAR also piled full of stuff. Sort of like a portable storage unit.

Initially, when the cops went in they did not find her. (The neighbors became concerned because her car, which was usually tooling her off to purchase more items she didn't need, had sat in her driveway for a day. So that means that every single day she was off shopping and buying. Ugh. I can barely bring myself to leave the house to go Christmas shopping. I can't imagine going willingly every day. I'd have to shoot myself. Or wait until a stack of suitcases fell on to of me. Either one.) They couldn't find her why? Too much stuff, that is correct.

Now, I've been known to have a difficult time finding my car keys on occasion. Sometimes it's because the joint is a mess. (Sometimes it's because I'm a moron and my keys are in my pocket.) And it is frustrating as hell looking for a set of keys in a place that has more than 2 feet wide paths to walk through! And when they're found, they're usually next to something that has obscured my view. But they're keys! Little keys. The cops had their view so obscured in this lady's home that it didn't impair them from finding keys, it impaired them from finding HER. The lady! When you can't find a whole human being in your place, it's time to get a Swiffer or call Merry Maids or something because there's an issue!

When the cops initially could not find her "An expert search team and environmental health officers were also called in to help." Translation: Environmental Health = Hazmat. Also, "There was stuff in every room - it was so bad there were concerns about the police dogs going in." They think that they were concerned about the dogs going in? How do you think the dogs felt? They went in once and sniffed around and the dogs who are trained to sniff couldn't sniff her out from under all of that stuff. (Which kind of makes me wonder how effective these dogs are. Aren't they supposed to sniff things out that can't be seen? I don't need a sniffing dog to help me find someone that I can see! But if they can't find the ones I can't see, what good are they? Did they fire these dogs after this debacle?)

According to the name callers at the Mail Online, "The house was stacked with brand-new umbrellas, candles, ornaments, trinkets, clothes and electrical items, many of them unopened, as well as piles of videotapes." Videotapes? Good Lord, ma'am. Couldn't you have at least hoarded stuff from this century? DVDs perhaps? Maybe a cache of memory sticks? Did she have a pallet of Beta tapes also? Some 8-tracks (complete with all of the K-TEL collections)? Videotapes. Go figure.

A one Ray Moran, who describes himself as her closest friend (Translation: Probably doing it. Just on occasion! Nothing wrong with that.), said, "I think it just gave her pleasure to buy things - none of it was really essential. I once asked her how many scarves she had. She said she thought about 300. I asked her why she needed that many. She said they were all different colours." You think? You really think she enjoyed buying all of that stuff? You're sure she wasn't going out and willingly torturing herself every single day by buying stuff? Of course she enjoyed it! Why must people state the obvious or the ridiculous when quoted for these stories? Yes, we gathered she enjoyed shopping for things when we read she had been smashed by suitcases! We got it! (300 scarves? Was she learning how to do magic as well? Did they find a stash of "How To" books?)

It once took four hours and a neighbor's help to empty Ms. Cunnane's car out when it had to go have some work done. The neighbor said that, "There were six umbrellas, ornaments, pots, IKEA candle holders and an oil heater which was very heavy." (Enough with the weights and measures. Relevance? Oh, right. None! Stop it.)The neighbor also that that, "....Miss Cunnane was a deeply private lady who would not even open the door to the postman." Um, no. Not quite. Let me rephrase. Miss Cunnane was a lady who was embarrassed by the amount of stuff that she had purchased and would not open the door for the postman because she couldn't due to all of the stuff that was in the way. Yeah, it's amazing how people that are embarrassed or ashamed don't exactly go around advertising it and tend to withdraw away from others. (Which really doesn't sound like a bad idea, as most people are morons.)

Now, in the picture of her in her Deals on Wheels car there, I'm confused by what appears to be a backpack of some sort up against the windshield, on top of the steering wheel on the driver's side of the vehicle. Why is that there? What is it? How can she see? And while I'm at it, why was someone taking a picture of her in her car like that? Who does that?

The point here, other than never have so much stuff that the cops won't be able to find your body, is that this woman, this seemingly nice, friendly woman was lonely. And she went out shopping to fill that void. Why she couldn't just go out, look around and then go back home is beyond me. But if she had managed to hook up with the Mole Man, they would have been a match made in Hoarder's Heaven! Granted, there wouldn't have been a place big enough for the both of them and all of their stuff. And it's hard to say how she would take to all of the crawling around his place, but I highly doubt she'd be judgmental about it. She probably just would have been happy to have someone to talk to. These two would have been perfect. It's a shame they couldn't have hooked up whilst they were down here corralling their containers of crap.

What have we learned? I think we've learned that if you're going to hoard so much crap that it could eventually play a major role in your ultimate demise, always carry your cell phone with you. Oh, and check the Internet for other hoarders in your area because if you guys are lonely (and how could you not be, as you can't even make it out of your house in time to save your life!) I don't know how else you're ever going to find someone else that you can be comfortable with. (Actually, I don't know how you folks can ever get comfortable surrounded by thousands of videotapes. That makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.)

The Internet. Is there anything it can't do?

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