When Suddenly...Whales

I am exhausted. This holiday stuff starts early for me for some reason. Anyway, that's the reason for the short posts lately. Unfortunately, today isn't going to be much of an exception. But I do have a boring story and an exciting video for you, so that's something!

There are a lot of whales hanging around delightfully close to the shores of Santa Cruz. I guess that there is an abundance of krill and anchovies or something like that and the whales are just enjoying the abundant buffet. I went down there last week to see if I could see the whales from the shore. I could not. But if I had been like the surfer in the video below, I would have seen the whales up close and then some. Holy canoli. I'm still trying to figure out how no one in the video yelled "Holy s***" or something like that. If the video doesn't load below, try clicking here. It really is quite extraordinary.

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Oh, my DOG! See Spot Surf

Apparently it was International Surfing Day on Saturday. So this post might seem a little late, but what good was it going to do me to write about it before now when nothing had even happened yet? "Established by Surf Magazine and Surfrider Foundation, an environmental organization started by surfers that works to protect oceans, beaches and waves, it is a day for surfers to give back to the ocean." Excellent. What could possibly go wrong?

OK, maybe "wrong" isn't the correct phrasing. How about....What sort of wacky event could be held for a good cause on International Surfing Day and have it be somewhat relevant and also have photos of the event in Life Magazine? Why, how about the fourth annual Loews Coronado Bay Resort Surf-Dog Competition in Imperial Beach!! Behold!

Um, what now? Yep! The Surf-Dog Competition is an event to help raise money for Modest Needs, a non-profit organization that works to prevent poverty. Sounds like a good cause and there's nothing wrong with that. However, there might be something wrong with this. Behold!

From Sign On San Diego we learn all about these surfing dogs and it's pretty much just like what it sounds like it's like. It's dogs. On surfboards. (And they don't all look like they're on those things voluntarily now, mind you.) And they're in the ocean. And they're surfing. Well, they're standing on the surfboard looking either afraid or perplexed. And as the waves move, so does the dog on the board, so I guess that yes, technically they are surfing. But it's only surfing in the same way that I'm dancing after I've stepped on a bee in my bare feet and start jumping around. Technically, yes. Officially, probably not.

I fully concur with the character Monica from 'Friends' as one of her biggest pet peeves is "animals dressed as humans." I, too, am not a fan. And this is more than just that. This is animals dressed as humans attempting to act like humans. I really don't think I can favor having four legged furry creatures on surfboards wearing sunglasses and Bermuda shorts. I'm really not sure why anyone would! Sure, they look cute and all. But then you see them for what they are (that being dogs on surfboards) and you realize they're kind of a little bit out of their natural habitat there. And you know, I think that dogs DO know when they're in a situation that they shouldn't be in. And I KNOW that they know when they look silly. Behold!

::: sigh :::

How exactly does a dog surfing competition work, you wonder? Seemingly all competitions lately go with the three judge panel, a la American Idol, and the Surfing Dog Competition was no exception. I picture them to be similar to the American Idol judges as well. I couldn't find any pictures of them, so I'm just guessing that it's most likely that there is a laid back, black guy who (appropriately enough) always says "Dawg!", a ditzy, probably drunk, likely pilled up, female and an acerbic Brit. But all of that is pure speculation on my part. Fortunately, I don't have to speculate about what is judged because according to Sign On San Diego

"Each dog gets a chance to catch three waves.They're scored on confidence level, length of ride and overall ability to hang ten...so to say.Money raised from the competition goes to Modest Needs."

Their "confidence level?" What determines their "confidence level"?! Would it be whether or not they have enough sense to realize that it's probably not worth the little Scooby Snack that they're going to get if they stay on the board? Do you want a dog that takes risks? I'm not so sure you do. Because one day he's just surfing in the ocean and the next day you find him in the garage trying to start your car! That's only a step or two away from walking fully upright, you know that don't you? I'm guessing the dogs below didn't exactly get "10s" for their "confidence level" score.

I'm thinking that the dogs who are really scared would score very high in the "overall ability to hang ten" category. In fact, clinging to the front of that board with my paws would be the first thing I'd do after I was placed atop the floating menace. You don't tempt the sea!

And just in case you're interested in putting your own dog through the rigors of outdoor water sports, there's the tell-all book A Dog's Guide To Surfing Hanging Ten with Man’s Best Friend. In a description of the book it tells us that "...surfers believe that dogs who learn to surf develop a unique attitude, knowing they have something that sets them apart from other dogs." Well, yes! Obviously! A dog that surfs IS set (or floated) apart from other non-surfing dogs! Yes, they are! Brilliant! If the rest of the book contains equally brilliant insights, I think I'd just play it safe and not "teach" my dog how to "hang ten". (They have four legs. How come they don't hang twenty?)

And I know it's for charity and that's a good thing. Please, feel free to donate to your favorite charity at will! I'm not anti-charity! I'm just saying that if they need to raise money through the wacky antics of canines, can't they choose something a little bit closer to the dog's own realm? Skateboarding perhaps? Roller blading? Billiards? I don't know. But you have to ask yourself, do the dogs really like doing these sorts of things, or do we just think that they do because they can't tell us that they don't? (It's a dog on a surfboard for cryin' out loud! It's gotta be ruff!)

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Is There Anything Animals Can't Do?

I was going to wait until my consultant for all things that are water had gotten back to me before I went ahead with this post, but I couldn't wait. This needed to be addressed NOW.

Apparently, there is a Naval Base Kitsap-Bangor. Clearly, it's a US Navy Naval Base. Not so clear is where it's located, but I learned it was across Puget Sound by Seattle. The Navy feels the need to have the waters around the Naval Base patrolled. That sounds reasonable to me. Now, being as how it is a Naval Base I assumed that it would be the (stay with me here) Navy that did the patrolling. Not so. Not so. The Navy, the one that I thought would do all of the patrolling and protecting, has a different idea. They feel that the waterfront should be patrolled and guarded by (wait for it).....dolphins and sea lions. Wait. By dolp...and...what? WTF?

Oh! It gets better! Trust me! They're going to have a meeting in February to discuss this. Yes. It's actually up for discussion to have Flipper and Friends keep our country safe! According to the unbelievable article over there at the Kitsap Sun, "The Navy is considering five options: California sea lions and Atlantic bottlenose dolphins; just sea lions; combat swimmers; remotely operated vehicles; and no change. The sea lions-only option was added after the public suggested it in 2007, said Navy spokeswoman Sheila Murray." The "sea lions only option was added after the public suggested it"?!?! This is why you don't leave things open to the general public to just throw out ideas! We all know the public is chock full of morons! They'll say anything! "Sea lions" "Sea lions ONLY!" "What about Shamu? Is he available?" "Get the big seahorse that Aquaman rides on!" "Get Aquaman!" What the hell is the US Navy doing listening to the public anyway? Good Lord, we're doomed.

Apparently, not doing anything "...wouldn’t comply with terrorism-related requirements". They don't specify what those requirements are, but I'm guessing that they're something along the lines of "Do Something." And that works for me, really. Well, it did. Until I learned that "something" included "dolphins and sea lions" being in charge. But I'm just slow, I guess because "The Navy’s preferred alternative is dolphins and sea lions. It has used them for 40 years." Um, it's the Navy's preferred alternative to what? People?! I'm sorry, I didn't realize that there was an alternative to people. And I certainly didn't realize that it meant animals. (Though they could be a suitable alternative for bloggers. No one would notice, really.)

But get this...get what they say these animals can do. Ready? You're not. Trust me. I wasn't. I'm still all a-boggle over this. First the dolphins.

• "If they found an intruder, they would swim back to the boat and alert the handler, who would place a strobe light on one of the dolphin’s noses. The dolphin would race back and bump the intruder’s back, knocking the light off. The light would float to the surface, marking the spot. The dolphin would swim back to the boat, join the handler, and they would clear out. Security guards would race to the strobe to subdue the intruder."

Oh, my God. What?!? Now hold on before you go getting all a-boggled as well. While stunningly fascinating, the sea lions dealio will really floor you. The sea lions:

• Sea lions can carry in their mouths special cuffs attached to long ropes. If they found a suspicious swimmer, they would clamp the cuff around the person’s leg. The intruder can then be reeled in for questioning.

They can DO that?!?! Really?! Since when? I want to see that! I want to see that now! I thought they were limited to that beach ball on the nose trick! (And quite frankly, that gets old after about the second time around. For me and for the sea lion, I would imagine.) I'd much rather see this!! Holy crap! Special cuffs. In their sea lion-y little mouths. Which clamp! Which they, the sea lion, clamp! Onto an intruder-y leg! Wow!

"The Navy likes the marine mammal option because the dolphins’ biosonar is better than any man has made and they’re best for covering ground in open water." The best as compared to what though? Large boats and ships that the US Navy uses? I'm not feeling quite so safe and secure as I was just about 20 minutes ago before I read this story. (Hey, I'm on a coast! It's relevant! Ah, who am I kidding? I have the attention span of a gnat. I'll forget all about this probably before I...hey! A quarter!)

As for the sea lions, well their "...sonar range isn’t as good, but they can see and hear better underwater and are better for shallower work around piers. They are reliable, available, less expensive". I'm glad that the US Navy checked to make sure that the sea lions were "available". That was considerate of them to not impose upon the daily routine of said sea lions. Very accommodating to have the sea lions check their schedule and see if they were busy or when they could squeeze in a little coastal protection duty for the Navy. I'm guessing it was probably between "swim on back while eating fish" and "lie on rock after eating fish". Boy, that's a busy day right there if you're a sea lion. And they are less expensive than say, oh, a person who might want to be paid for such a job. That's true! Sea lions almost never demand payment or sue you for back pay and wages. Rarely does that ever happen. Rarely.

So, seriously, where do I go to see the sea lion put the leg clamp on a bad guy? That's the coolest thing I've heard all year. I know it's only January, but it's going to be hard to top! The article says that there is a public comment period that runs until March 1, 2009. I'm thinking I might have to drop those folks a line and ask them where I can see this for myself. They'd have to admit that it's pretty amazing, don't you think? They'd understand why I feel the need to witness this myself. It's not classified or anything (though I'm wondering why in the world it isn't. You have these creatures that you've just plucked out of the ocean and put to work for the US Navy. That's not exactly something I'd think you'd want everyone to know...especially the evil doers. I guess it might not matter, though, because are the evil doers really going to believe it? Not until Flipper is hurling a beacon at his little dinghy would he start thinking that the United State and her mammals mean business!).

I think that I've heard of all of this before, but I don't know that I took it all too seriously. There are a lot of stories floating around out there that don't necessarily pan out into much. Lone gunman. Geometry. Lots of stuff. I guess I just figured this was one of those. Apparently not. I would still like to know when it was that we decided we were on such good terms with the ocean denizens that we could just put them to work for us. (We kind of tried that once before but in another capacity in this country. That didn't go so well.) And if I think about it, I guess I'm not surprised that the Navy would rather have the animals doing this stuff than humans. Humans are morons, so I'm kinda relieved they went with the water mammals instead. On the other hand, I am just fascinated by the fact that we can train these creatures to do this for us. And they do! I mean, I've gotta say, if it were me? I'm not so sure I'd be quite so willing. What's in it for me? Fish? Again? Hmmm. How much fish? Oh! Really? Huh. Lemme think about it. I'll get back to you.

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Slow News Day In Florida

I'm starting to wonder exactly what in the heck qualifies for news down there in Florida. Seems like whatever it is, they might be running out of it and that's why they're reporting on stuff like this.

From the fine folks over there at Tampa Bay 10, in Hernando Beach, Florida, a place where there is a "beach" and an "ocean" and all of the things that come along with a "beach" and an "ocean, a 6-year old girl named Alexis was swimming in the water (yes, the article felt the need to let us know that the "swimming" occurred "in the water" of all places!) when, according to the six year old, "It felt like something was squeezing her body and pulling her under." She started screaming and some adults quickly got her out of the water "and onto a nearby boat." (OK, I would think that the shore would have been closer than the boat, but I wasn't there.) The report states that almost the girl's entire body "was covered in welts and there was what looked like a gash across her stomach." Wow. Then what?

Well, naturally, someone thought that it was the result of a jellyfish sting and they quickly sprayed a product called Sting Away all over her body. And just like the name implies, within a few minutes the sting went away! However, the physical evidence still remained. (It's an effective product, it's not a magic product.) There was a purple gash across her stomach and some of the spots around her legs and chest also turned purple. (At least it's consistent.)

So a kid gets stung by a jellyfish down yonder in Florida. Why is this news? Why is this being reported by Tampa Bay's 10 News? Because Alexis's mother is a 10 News producer! Imagine that! How convenient!

She gave the kid some liquid Benadryl before the kid went to bed. The kid didn't have a fever, she ate dinner as if she had not been mauled by a creature of the sea, and then she slept through the night as if she was over it and her mother, the news producer, was not. And the very next day, even though the physical markings of the beast of the deep, the jellyfish, were still upon her body, Alexis said she felt fine and is ready to go swimming in the pool (where there are no jellyfish). and now, back to you, MOM.

Un-believable. And yes, because my time was wasted with this ridiculous story (that should have been told at the kid's family reunion this summer instead of the entire Tampa Bay viewing audience for the News 10 news), I felt the need to waste yours with it as well. Because that's all there is. Kid gets stung by a jellyfish and ends up on the news because her Mom is a producer. Coming up next on the news, we'll go grocery shopping with the family! Please.

I did latch on to one really odd nugget of information in all of this, though. According to a paramedic’s guide book (and they're not saying which paramedic's guide book, so it could be the producer's sister or brother or husband who wrote the book, I have no idea.), it tells you what to do if you get a jellyfish sting. Well, this is news I can use. What should I do? It says, "You should first apply alcohol and then either meat tenderizer or shaving cream." Of course. Wait. What?

Meat tenderizer or shaving cream? When I'm at the beach?! Right. Swimsuit? Check. Sunglasses? Check. Towels? Check. Sunscreen? Check. Meat tenderizer? Check. Shaving Cream? Check. Wait. No. NO! No tenderizer! No shaving cream! That's because most people have figured out that if you shave before you go to the beach rather than when you are actually at the beach, that it really avoids a whole different set of issues that can arise. Who takes that stuff to the beach with them??

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