I Don't Think She Really Won

I have figured out what the deal is with the Mega Millions "winner" that I discussed yesterday. Yes, after reading several articles about this situation, there is only one conclusion that I can come to. She's nuttier than a fruit bat.

I'll start with the obvious. This woman's name is Mirlande Wilson and she works at McDonald's. She has seven children and is not married. But for some reason, she goes by Sheila Paraison on Facebook. Other revelations from her Facebook include her working at "United Nations". (Yep. Plural!) Granted, there can be a rather diverse community converging upon the McDonald's from time to time, but I don't know that you can qualify that as being the "United Nations". Then again, considering that I'm pretty sure she's never worked there, I guess it doesn't matter what she calls it. She could have put that she worked in Narnia. The end result would be the same!


But my favorite revelation from her Facebook page? Her favorite TV shows are The Jerry Springer Show and Maury! I couldn't have made that up if I tried! So this is a woman who enjoys a program where the audience has been known to break out in raucous chants of "Mid-get Fight! Mid-get Fight!" All rightee, then. It's only going to get better from here. (And don't get me wrong. I have a few guilty pleasure TV shows that I enjoy with the lights off and all of the curtains drawn so as not to draw attention to the disaster that I am watching unfold on purpose. But you don't see me advertising it on Facebook!)

Despite all of this hooplah and pretending to win the lottery, she's managed to find some time to update her status. Sometime on Tuesday she wrote "All my true friend know im not greedy a person i don't want da money it made my life a living hell already im gonna give it all to rebuild haiti yall can chase all want my life and, my children it more important for money." Wow. OK. I guess I appreciate that she chose to throw in a random comma there at the end, so I guess I can't bitch about no punctuation. I'm not even really sure what that means considering that she doesn't have any of the money yet. And all of this "hell" she seems to have brought upon herself. Later, she changed her status to "It nutting to me yall calls the to my house my job why it supposed to be secret now I cannot laid in my bed in im gonna put in for donation we all lost" OK, I don't even know what half of that means. But I will say that if it was "supposed to be secret", perhaps someone should give her a little refresher course on how to keep secrets. (Step One: Do not tell the entire world about it. Step Two: Calling press conferences outside of your home are a no-no.)

Next, she called a press conference outside of her home yesterday. She was late to show up and when she did show up, do you know what she told the throngs of reporters out there? According to the New York Daily News, she told them to go home. That's right. She called a news conference to tell the reporters to go home "...so she and her children can go back to a normal life". You know how I go about having a normal life? Well, I start by not calling news conferences in front of my own home! Then you know what I do? I don't claim that I have a winning lottery ticket when I most likely do not. That's how I go about a normal life.

Yeah, she still hasn't produced the "winning" ticket. I don't know if she's still sticking to her "some of the numbers looked familiar" story or what. And just because no other winner in Maryland has come forward, that doesn't mean anything. No one has come forward in the other two states either. The only real difference here is we have a crazy person in the mix. Oh, and get a load of what her lawyer said about this. He said, "I cannot say with any certainty this ticket exists." OK. Well, he's the lawyer. Shouldn't he ask to see it? According to him, "I have not seen the ticket, nor do I want to see the ticket," Wait. You don't...you don't want to?! You just want to continue to represent a crazy person? OK, then. So, he's nuts too, apparently. Interesting. They seem like a great match. Well, until he finds out that he's been had. But Fox News says that "Maryland State Lottery Director Stephen Martino announced a 2 p.m. press conference on Thursday at which officials said he would discuss the "status of the winning ticket," among other things." Ooh! I'm SO looking forward to the "among other things" that will be discussed. I just love these sorts of things. Makes my day is what it does!

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Congratulations?

Well, it's official. Chaz Bono is saving up to buy a new wang!

For those of you who may have been blissfully living under a rock somewhere and are unaware of this situation, may I be the first to say congratulations. (And second, can I join you?) Let me bring you up to speed. Chaz is the new man name of Chastity Bono, the daughter of Cher and the late Sonny "Look Out For That Tree" Bono, who decided she was really a dude and has been transitioning toward the goal of becoming a dude. Chaz has been doing this by taking proactive measures such as having both breasts lopped off after his/her 40th birthday and taking male hormones such as testosterone. (Wow. All I did after my 40th birthday was be 40. And I did so with all of the parts that I turned 40 with!) And if you've seen this person lately, you could easily get the impression that part of this transition involved this person eating Chastity. Behold!


Yeah, that's a big person right there. But back to the penis. While Chaz has taken several steps toward becoming a guy, Chaz has not yet opted to have a penis attached or Velcroed on or however that works. But I guess that Chaz is finally ready to make the plunge and has told Rolling Stone all about it! See, you can get the surgery done fairly basic or you can add on some options. So, I guess it's like buying a car or something. (Get one with air conditioning, Chaz! And power windows! You don't want to have to crank that thing by hand!) And really, how many options are there and what are they for? I mean, I don't have a penis of my own, but from what I understand, they only do a couple of things. How many options are really necessary for those things?

According to an article over at The Daily Mail, Chaz told Rolling Stone, "I could get a phalloplasty, which builds the phallus from a donor site on your body, but I'm currently leaning more towards a metoidioplasty". OK. Hold on just a minute here. I don't know what in the world a 'metoidioplasty' is and I'm not sure that I'm all that concerned about it at the moment. That's because I'm way more focused on the part about where they grow you a new wiener from a donor site on your body! What the what?! Like where exactly? I guess they could grow it behind the ear. Granted, you wouldn't be able to put pencils there any more. You know, because of all of the penis that was there. But I suppose it could be done. Wait. Why am I being so complacent all of a sudden?! We're talking about growing a penis on another part of the human body! There should be no complacency!

OK, just calm down. (I wasn't talking to you. It was more for me.) But wait. There's more! The article also goes on to quote: "It's a process that uses what you already have down there, which has grown larger from the testosterone." Umm...can I just be the first one to say EW! See, because I have lady parts and they seem to be at a lovely ratio the way that they are. I can't imagine them growing larger (and you can't make me imagine it, either!). He also seems to think that when it's...you know...soft that it's about three inches. Again, the thought of someone's lady parts being three inches long is just wrong on many different levels. Chaz is also stated that "...it grows considerably....I don't know what the average difference is, but when I'm having sex I probably get three or four times larger." Really? Three to four times larger? I find that hard (no pun intended) to believe. Don't get me wrong. I'm not asking for proof or anything. I'm just saying that those seem like lofty goals.

Bono also admitted in the article that his ex-girlfriend was against him going through with the "bottom surgery". That's really not all that surprising considering that Chaz was going out with this chick when he was still and chick. Her being a lesbian doesn't really seem like it would bode well for an individual who wants to grow their own penis. I guess I'm surprised that she stuck around as long as she did. I mean, it's kind of inevitable that a woman who wants to be a man will one day want a penis. Am I really saying all of this? I need to stop this. Now. Good Lord.

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Five Missing Calories

Dr. Pepper has a new version of Dr. Pepper out. It's called Dr. Pepper TEN. I guess it's being marketed to men. No, I don't know why. But maybe their marketing department could spend a little more time with the math department next time. Behold!

Let's see..."10 BOLD TASTING CALORIES PER 8 FL OZ". And it's a 20 FL OZ bottle. So that would make 25 calories per bottle, yes? Not if you're the Dr. Pepper people because it says right there on the right "20 CALORIES PER BOTTLE". Are the calories only in the second half of the fluid ounces? So they don't count those four extra ounces in there because the calories are in the other four ounces that aren't in there? Why aren't those five calories listed? Mind you that for me, this isn't a question of calorie counting. This is a question of basic math. Basic, simple, math.

I have no answers, but I will be emailing Dr. Pepper and inquiring where those five calories went to. Let's see if I get a response back.

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Hating In Peace

I'm not a huge fan of rap (or hip hop as it is apparently now being called), but as a lover of pop culture, I do know who various rappers are. Today, we're going to take a look at a rapper called T.I. and what he thinks about gay people who don't like it when other people don't like the aforementioned gay people.

T.I. did an interview with Vibe magazine. During the interview, the subject of all Americans having equal rights came up. Here are his words of wisdom on the subject: "While T.I. makes clear that he supports anyone’s sexual preference, he then connects, in his opinion, a current oversensitivity among gay people with a consequential and ironic offense of the First Amendment. "They’re like, 'If you have an opinion against us, we're gonna shut you down.' ... That's not American. If you're gay you should have the right to be gay in peace, and if you're against it you should have the right to be against it in peace."


Soooo....wait. He's saying that if someone doesn't like you because of who you are that you should just take it? You shouldn't say anything? You should just let them have their opinion even if it's 'wrong'? And what's this about having the right to be against it "in peace"? See, if someone has an opinion of someone else that is hateful simply because of who that person is and then they kept that opinion to themselves, that would be being against it "in peace". It's the ones who are not against it "in peace" that folks have a problem with.


And wait a minute. Does T.I. know that he's black? Because he's kind of sounding like he doesn't. See, because there are and have been a lot of people who are and have been against people just because they're black. Is he saying that folks just should have let those closed minded bigots be that way in peace and not say anything about it? Is it "un-American" (in T.I.'s weird little world) to try and change narrow minded thinking when it's about skin color? It sounds kind of like it might be. And while I didn't really know who T.I. was before reading this about him, I didn't have an opinion about him. Now that I've read this though? I have an opinion, all right.

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Do I Smell Smoke?

You know who Herman Cain is, right? He's that Republican dude that everyone seems to like and who is doing quite well in the polls. He's not exactly running a conventional campaign, nor is he putting out conventional ads. Look at this thing he's running. It's different. (If you're pressed for time, just go to 0:41 and watch from there. That's really the part that got my attention.)

See that? What's with the smoking at the end? Is that guy trying to look like a badass? I thought this country was anti-smoking. Has that changed? Are we pro-smoking now? 'Cause I was kind of liking it without all of the smoke. And I don't know about that sideways smile that he gives there at the very end. It's a little creepy. It kind of has a little bit of "You'll never find the bodies" look to it. He might want to work on that.

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A True Fan

There are an awful lot of different kinds of strange out there. And I'm not trying to imply that strange is bad. It is what it is...strange. But don't get me wrong, it's not like all strange is OK. It's not. That's why it's called strange. Look, I'm clearly leading up to something here, so what say I just cut to the chase, all right? OK, then. What we have today is a man who has an incredible fondness for a one Julia Roberts. I know. What's not to love? Well, if I had to choose, I'd say that it would be the manner in which this man expresses his affection for the actress is what is not to love. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that?! That, my friends, is a one Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic. (You may pronounce that any way that you'd like.) From the good folks at The Daily Mail, we learn that Mr. Bukovic is a newspaper vendor from Valparaiso, Chile. We also learn that he became enamored with the lovely Ms. Roberts after seeing her in Erin Brokovich, for which she won an Oscar. It was a really good movie and she was really good in it, but I don't know that I have ever seen anything so good by anyone act so good that it made me want to go out and get 82 tattoos of the person who did all of the acting. And that's just one of the many, many ways in which Mr. Bukovic and I are different.

This 52-year old man has tattoos of Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovich all over his torso and arms. And let me tell you, it's a good thing that someone told me that the tattoos were supposed to be Julia Roberts, as I would not have guessed that. Ever. I've spent a fair amount of time (3-4 minutes tops) looking at the same pictures I've included here and I have yet to see one image that really stands out as being undeniably Julia Roberts. Not one. There is at least one that maybe could be her, but I would have had to have been drinking for quite some time in order to agree to that.

Below is a picture of the lovely Miss Roberts as she appeared in a scene in Erin Brockovich. After you're done ogling her lovely breasts, please let me know if you can find any of his tattoos that even come close to looking like this. (Being 'vaguely female in appearance' does not count.)

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Ho

Of course, you're not going to send a normal Christmas card if you're Paris Hilton. Considering nothing that she does is normal, why should Christmas be any different? It probably shouldn't, but I guess maybe I was hoping that it would be? I don't know. I guess I always hope that people, no matter how self-centered, self-absorbed and absolutely abhorrent one may be, maybe they can find this time of the year to think about others or simply think about what they're grateful for. Yeah, that didn't happen with her. Here's her Christmas card as proof. Behold!

Seriously. Who thinks that's a great idea for a Christmas card? To get yourself all dolled up in kind of a Marilyn Monroe-esque whorish pose while sitting in some sort of black leather and gold throne thing? I mean, I'm not against having a picture of one's self on a Christmas card. I'm just not used to seeing it be immature, heiress tarts. I'm more used to seeing Christmas cards with families on them. Like the Kardashian's Christmas card. It has their whole family on it. Behold!

Hmm. Probably not the best example that I could have used. Is anyone else feeling a Addams Family vibe from that card? How is that a Christmas card? Why are they dressed like that? Does that one chick have furry green shoulder pads on the outside of her dress? OK, then. That's kind of strange. That's all I've got.

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Worst Christmas Song Ever

I do believe that I have stumbled upon the worst Christmas song ever. And I'm sure you have your guesses, but I feel fairly confident in saying that none of your choices will include this one. And believe me, it was hard to choose between this one and any of Bob Dylan's Christmas songs which seem to include an ample amount of lung butter being regurgitated when he sings them. (Who thought a Bob Dylan Christmas album was a good idea? It is an awful piece of....music. It scares small children and some adults, like me.) But I'm comfortable with my choice for a couple of reasons.

Reason One: It's by John Denver. Who would have thought that the guy who played Gilligan would also record a Christmas song? (What's that? That was Bob Denver? Huh. Sooo...John Denver was...the guy who thought he was such a big shot that he didn't need to make sure he had enough gas in his plane? Is that him? OK, now I'm with you!)

Reason One (now that I know who I'm talking about): It's by John Denver. Who would have thought that the late bespectacled American crooner would be capable of putting out a terrible Christmas song. He tends to have a rather soothing voice. Though more than a couple songs in a row and I kind of want to claw my ears off.

Reason Two: The lyrics are absolutely depressing. They're not melancholy or wistful holiday prose that makes you think back to the Christmases of yore with fond memories of those Norman Rockwell-esque times. No, they remind you that your dad is a drunk and he gets drunk on holidays and last Christmas, he fell down under the Christmas tree and made your mom cry! HOW is that even considered a Christmas song and not some sort of Yuletide suicide anthem?!

The song is entitled "Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)" and it's just like what it sounds like. It's supposed to be a little almost-eight-year old boy who is pleading with his father to not get drunk like he did last year when he fell under the Christmas tree and the little boy had to see his mom cry at the sight of her lush of a husband rolling on the floor on the day of the celebration of the birth of Christ!

I've included the song below and the lyrics below that. Please don't blow your head off after listening to it. It's not a very Christmas-y thing to do.

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas

I don’t wanna see my Momma cry

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas

I don’t wanna see my Momma cry

Just last year when I was only seven

And now I’m almost eight as you can see

You came home at a quarter past eleven

Fell down underneath our Christmas tree

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas

I don’t wanna see my Momma cry

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas

I don’t wanna see my Momma cry

Momma smiled and looked outside the window

She told me son, you better go upstairs

Then you laughed and hollered Merry Christmas

I turned around and saw my Momma’s tears

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas

I don’t wanna see my Momma cry

Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas

I don’t wanna see my Momma cry

No, I don’t wanna see my Momma cry

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The Facebook Is Flawless

Do you know who Karl Lagerfeld is? Me neither. Well, I didn't until I read this little piece over at something called Styleite. That's where I learned that Mr. Lagerfeld is some sort of German fashion designer. It's also where I learned that he doesn't know squat about technology. I'm not saying that the guy needs to know about technology. After all, he designs fashion. Does he need to know about technology? I'm not saying that he does, but he might want to be aware of what certain aspects of technology are. You know. Just in case he's asked about it or something. At least then he won't sound like he's on the brink of dementia. (By the way, Mr. Lagerfeld is pictured below. Is he from the future?)

He gave an interview to The Luxury Channel. (In other news, there's a Luxury Channel.) He was "... asked to describe technology he finds "amazing". He gave a rather long and extremely odd response. He answered, "Facebook is a flawless object. It’s for me like a Brancusi. As I told you, I got one as a gift in gold — in white gold. And the BlackBerry too, and the iPod. I have all those from a gift, I wouldn’t buy it. But somebody gave me all those things in white gold. They are beautiful objects on the table — they are stunning. I don’t use them because I don’t have to use them." Wait a minute. What now?

That statement begs more questions than it answers. He finds Facebook to be "a flawless object"? Um, dude, I'm not so sure that I'd classify Facebook as an object. Maybe you're thinking of something else. In fact, I'm going to have to assume that you're thinking of something else, as I don't know how you would receive a Facebook in white gold. (By the way, in case you were wondering, Brancusi is an artist. Thus, "a Brancusi" would be one of his works. Yeah, I'm definitely thinking that this guy is confused.)

Next up, the BlackBerry and the iPod. I guess I didn't realize that you could get either one of those in white gold, but I guess that it doesn't surprise me. Anyone can make a case out of anything these days. The folks over at Engadget have some pictures of a BlackBerry 8700 encased in 18k white gold. Behold!

Yeah, I don't know if I'd consider that "stunning" the way that Mr. Lagerfeld does. It's a bit garish for my tastes. Maybe they've improved since the 8700, though. AllTechnoBlog reports on a white gold iPod 4G. It's definitely more slick than the BlackBerry, but it still seems like a mugging waiting to happen. Behold!

But I digress. Back to his statement. Sooooo...he doesn't actually use these things? They just sit around looking all pretty and sparkly to him? Look, if he's not going to actually USE stuff, I don't know that he should be asked his opinion on it. If someone wants to know about the aesthetic properties of a certain piece of technology, then I think he would be the perfect person to consult about that. But the guy thinks that Facebook is a tangible object. On top of that, he thinks it's flawless. Clearly, he's never used Facebook. And I'm guessing that, until someone explains it to him in a little more detail, he never will.

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You Think He Had That Memorized?

OK, so get this. You ready? You know how President Barry is on some trip to visit a bunch of different countries in something like 10 days? OK, so the first place he went was to India. And get this: It is news that he will be using a teleprompter. Wait. What?

Correct. They are almost shocked by that reality. The Telegraph of Calcutta starts off their article about this by writing: "The man who mesmerised you with that silver-tongued “Yes we can” will use a teleprompter while addressing Indian MPs in the Central Hall of Parliament on November 8." This is apparently quite surprising to them because "Sources said they could not recall an instance when a teleprompter, also called autocue or telescript, was used in the Parliament Hall earlier. " Wow. Really? Well, considering that they're giving alternative names for the ol' teleprompter, I guess it's the truth. But, man. That's just surprising to me.

The article states that "Used to the machine-gun delivery of Indian politicians who are never at a loss for words, officials here were a bit perplexed when the US embassy broached the topic of affixing a teleprompter to the lectern..." Really? Perplexed? Holy canoli, the whole world just really thought above and beyond the realm of reality with this guy, didn't they?

They certainly did, as evidenced by the one official who said: “We assumed that Obama, being such a brilliant orator, delivers speeches extempore." Riiiiiigght. Are you kidding me? Y'all assumed that he was just winging it the whole time? Any thoughts as to why, if you thought that, he would actually use a teleprompter? “Probably to avoid Bushisms,” suggested a Parliament House source who, along with his colleagues and officials of the external affairs ministry, spent the day discussing the matter with a technical team from the US. Wow.

It took an entire day to discuss putting up a teleprompter for President Barry? Why would that be? And did those guys never hear President Bush speak? Teleprompter or not, he could barely get out a coherent sentence. That was never news. But it is apparently news (in some parts) for President Barry to use a teleprompter. Odd. Very odd indeed.

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Jail Isn't The Only Punishment

There are a whole lot of different kinds of crazy out there. Some of the crazy is the kind where the person absolutely can do something to help themselves. And the other kind of crazy is the kind where the person absolutely needs some serious freaking help. And in situations where no one else is really overly harmed, I don't think that there needs to be much more of a penalty than getting the person some serious, and I mean freaking serious, help.

Take the case of a one Bethany Storro. About a month ago, she looked like this:

She's a fairly attractive woman in that photo. I don't know that from looking at that photo (or any photo, for that matter) that you'd be able to tell that she is one seriously disturbed individual. I say that because after August 30, she looked like this:

Yeah, see the facial disfigurement that you're witnessing there came from what she claimed was a black, female stranger coming up to her on the street and throwing acid in her face. Ouchie! She said that a woman who she didn't know came up to her on the street and said something to the effect of, "Hey, pretty girl. Do you want to drink this?" The alleged woman then allegedly threw an extremely caustic substance in Ms. Storro's face. The burning off of her skin did immediately commence.

And yes, that sounds like a tragic tale. Many people thought the same thing and the donations came pouring in to the tune of around $28,000. People can be really giving and generous at times. They can also get seriously pissed off when they find out that the person that they are giving money to staged the whole thing herself and doused her own face with acid. Wait. What now?

Correct. Ms. Storro has admitted to throwing acid in her own face and making up the entire story. According to the Daily Mail (why I can't find this particular bit of information in US media sources would be simply stupefying if I hadn't already come to grips with the fact that the media blows), Ms. Storro "...had poured the drain clogging chemicals on her own face after buying it from a DIY store." So, she burned her facial skin off with Drano, essentially? Seriously. What the what?

See what I mean? She's not well. And here's where the thing gets just a little complicated. (Not much, mind you. Just a little.) See, she took those $28,000 in donations and began spending it on herself and her family. Yeah, you can't do that when you're lying about stuff. It's really frowned upon. She allegedly bought a computer, some clothes, train tickets (people still take trains?), and took her family out for expensive meals. Kind of odd behavior (if you're asking me) from someone whose face was allegedly just ruined in a random, hideous attack by a stranger.

I'm guessing it was behavior such as that which sort of clued the cops in that there might be something more to this. That and the fact that the patterns in which the acid had scarred her face were not consistent with something being splashed upon her. And when she finally confessed that she made the whole thing up, that's exactly what the deal was. It hadn't been splashed. It had been dabbed on, as "...Miss Storro told police her original plan was to commit suicide, but she changed her mind as she dabbed the acid on her face."

Holy freaking hell. How on earth could you stand the pain of having just a little acid dabbed anywhere on your body?! Then again, how on earth could you think that dabbing acid on your face would kill you? I don't know either, but when she realized that she had chosen the wrong suicidal path, "She allegedly told police: ‘When I realised it wasn’t killing me, I thought maybe this was the answer to all my problems - to have a completely different face." Turns out, it was just the beginning of her problems, though she did accomplish her goal of a completely different face.

As is the case with most instances that are completely inexplicable (totally without splick), she thought that she was smarter than everyone else. She told the police, "I thought there would be no evidence of me doing it to myself. I thought that you guys would give up trying to find the person and it would be done." Wow. Not a lot of faith in the long arm of the law. Does she not follow any news at all? If a bunny rabbit gets a blister on its paw and it makes the news, people send in donations like there is no tomorrow. Of course it isn't going to go away that easily.

Because Ms. Storro used the funds that were collected under the guise of her poorly thought out ruse, that amounts to what is called 'theft by deception' and she was charged with three felony counts of it. My question here is: Is that really necessary? Look, I understand that it is not OK at all to take advantage of the inherently good nature of a lot of people. Does this really need to go through the legal system? Can't she just be committed to a mental hospital/facility for quite some time? She is obviously in need of some intense treatment for some severe mental issues. What good is dragging this through the courts going to do? I could see it if she was one of those scumbags who claim to have cancer and then the entire town holds a myriad of bake sales and the person turns out to not have cancer at all and has spent all of the proceeds on a new double wide trailer. Those people need be dealt with by an angry mob of the people that they ripped off. But this woman? Come on. Really?

I don't know how long it will take to treat a woman with the issues that Ms. Storro obviously has, but I hope it takes a really long ass time. I hope that the folks at the facility that she has already checked herself into are going to recognize the extreme depths of her problems and treat her accordingly (unlike the dolts at UCLA who let Lindsay Lohan out after a couple of weeks and said that she doesn't have a substance abuse problem). Make her return the money that she spent and drop the charges. Trust me, she'll be punished for the rest of her life having to live her life as herself. It's never going to be easy from here on out. Isn't that enough? I think that in this case that it probably is.

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Meat Lady Gaga

Usually after some awards show, I spend an entire blog post going through what various celebritards wore on the barely eventful evening. And especially after an awards show like MTV's Video Music Awards, I usually have plenty of material. But this time, strangely, and sadly, not so much. People were actually dressed fairly nicely and fairly normally. What's up with that?! Fortunately, however, there was one outfit that gives me plenty of material to cover the entire post in and of it's entirety. I present to you Lady Gaga and her meat dress. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That, as I implied so cleverly above, is a meat dress. It's a dress. And it is made out of meat. Need I say more? I think I do need to say more. But before I do, let's try and get to the bottom of this, shall we? Why would anyone, even someone as eclectic as Lady Gaga, wear a dress made out of meat? Even after she has answered this question, it's still a bit unclear.

According to the fine folks over there at the NY Daily News, Lady Gaga said "...she wasn't making a statement about vegetarians with her slaughterhouse chic. Instead, she explained it was about gay rights in the military...". Wait. What now? Gay rights? In the military? That has to do with wearing a meat suit? How...how is that?

She didn't go on to make it much more clear, adding, "If we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones...And I am not a piece of meat." Wow. I'm going to have to take that apart one crazy item at a time. I'd like to think that the meat on my bones does have rights. After all, I have rights. So, therefore, doesn't that mean that my meat, which comprises me, has the same rights? Even if it doesn't mean that, I don't see how wearing the flesh of a dead cow is going to help that. I might help get me a prescription for some Xanax, but I'm not so sure about more rights.

As for her not being a piece of meat, I don't ever like to think of people as "pieces of meat". But does she really expect people to not think of her in that manner when she tends to perform dressed like this:

And this:

Or even like this:

All of those outfits are kind of pieces of meat-ish. Is that how it should be? I don't know if it can be any different if you're looking like that. I'm not saying that it's good or bad (I am saying that it's a little freaking weird, though), I'm just saying what does she expect?


The NY Daily News asked a butcher for his opinion on this freak show and he made the assessment that, all in all, she probably had about a hundred dollars of meat there in which to make her dress, her purse and her hat. (Yes, there was a purse and a hat. No word on what was in the purse. A friend of mine guessed that there were bacon bits and an egg timer, for whatever that is worth.) The butcher said, "There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks...The best you've got is the flank steak on top of her head." There's a sentence I never thought I'd type. On top of her head? Yes. On top of her head. Behold!

Good Lord...OK, look, this is what she does. She's sooooo outrageous. Or something like that. And I don't care what she does. It is entertaining and at least she has the musical pipes to back up stuff like this. But I wills say that I'm a little disappointed at her lack of creativity with the meat get-up. Come on...only one kind of meat? What sort of meat outfit is that?! Jazz it up a little bit! Have a necklace made out of sausage links! Make shoes out of pigs feet! Wear a bra made out of chicken breasts! What about a hot dog belt? She's really limiting herself to only the cow. I expect more out of my freakish pop-stars these days. I really do.

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