Saturday, May 31, 2008

That's Quite The Snack

It's just going to be an All Swedish Saturday. And that can only mean one thing. That's right! More news that occurs below the belt in Sweden in English (brought to us in English by the fine Swedish folks over at The Local in Sweden). Now they might be able to convert some Swedish things to English and have them make sense, but this dealio isn't one of them.

The police in Stockholm (that's in Sweden) detained a 41-year old woman who has been accused of raping a 30 year old man that she met at a bar and took home with her. Wait. What?

According to the police report, after an evening chock full of merriment and alcohol (more so on the alcohol side), the new friends decided they were hungry. So they stumbled out of the pub and somehow managed to make their way to her house where "she invited him up for a little midnight snack," said Stockholm Swedish police officer Towe Hagg. (Hey, call it what you will, but after a night of drinking, you're going to be assuming that the "snack" is just the "appetizer." It won't matter how hungry you are. You're drunk and you're a slut. Food can wait.)

So once they get to her place, she makes sexual advances toward him. He, for some unknown reason, "resisted" and "told her 'no'." (I'm guessing his yet to be proclaimed gayness? What dude turns down drunken, one-night stand, chick coming onto you sex? What woman turns that down, for that matter?!) Well, it might have been a 'no'. Officer Hagg described that part of the incident as "We don’t know if it was a ‘no’ or if it was more than a ‘no’.” What constitutes more than a 'no'? A 'Hell, no'? A "No, ma'am"? A 'No, thank you."? I didn't get the 'no' in the first place, but this really confuses me.

Well, whatever kind of a 'no' it was, it didn't matter to the woman. No, after he continued to have sex with her, she then "
performed oral sex on him against his will." (Wow. She wasn't kidding when she said she wanted a snack.) So she forced herself upon this guy and fellatio-ed him even though he was professing some derivation of the term "no"? How did that occur, exactly? (NOT the fellatio-ing! The forcing!) I mean, is she some Swedish Amazon woman who makes guest appearances on American Gladiators in Swedish? And the guy, who is he? Clay Aiken? Ryan Seacrest? How does something like that happen?!

The man, naturally, took the appropriate step (translation: so NOT appropriate step) of calling police the next morning to report that he was raped. By a woman. Wow. Talk about having ZERO pride. I'll tel you what, for someone acting like such a girly boy, he sure does have some gigantic balls to be able to pick up the phone and tell the cops that he was taken advantage of by a woman. How did that conversation go?

"Victim" Guy: "Um, yes, I got really drunk and went home with this woman that I just met at the bar and she wanted to have drunken sex with me at her place and I didn't want to and I told her 'no', but she just went ahead and performed oral sex on me anyway."

Swedish Cop in English: "Is there a problem?"

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

Swedish Girls on Swedish Girls In English

News flash from Sweden in English! Swedish headline in English read: "Swedish Teen Girls Have More Sex With One Another." I love Sweden.

Now, while this doesn't seem like it was concluded from what I would consider to be a "scientific study", let's not let a minor little detail like the validity of the results ruin a good thing here, shall we? The researcher is a woman named Gun Rembeck (pretty). The article from the fine folks across the pond at The Local says that Gun is the primary researcher for this study and that she is also a midwife. Huh. Diverse. Anyway, according to the new dissertation from the Sahlgrenska Academy in Gothenburg (that's in Sweden), more teenage girls than boys have had sex with someone of the same gender (ie, another girl).

And while that doesn't surprise me, Gun, the midwife, said that she wasn't surprised at the results either and neither were her co-workers when she shared the results with them. I work at the youth health centre and asked the staff there what they thought before I told them about the results. They answered right away that there are more girls." And while that's mildly interesting, it's also a no-brainer. Don't get me wrong, I'd have to say that teenage boys are hornier than teenage girls (although the difference between the two is like the difference between winning a million dollars and winning a million and ten dollars. Even though one is larger than the other, it's still a heck of a lot and you're going to be pretty darn happy if you have either one.). But I don't know many males, let alone teenage males (of which I think I might know 3) who, just because they're looking for someplace to point it, are going to choose another male But chicks? If they're looking for a little "intimacy" with someone (and by "intimacy" I mean "sex") and there's not a guy around? Sure, she'll do. Why not?

And while that's a no-brainer for me to figure out, even though it doesn't surprise Gun, the midwife, she doesn't get it. "It may be that girls feel their way forward (pun intended, Gun?) without identifying themselves and either homo- or heterosexual. There is less of a taboo for girls. During their teenage years girls are often a bit more intimate with each other in their own way. (Um, well, it's not really their own way. I mean, it's the way of others as well. And while there may be lots of "ways", I'm pretty sure it's a finite number overall.) Boys are often more worried, afraid to diverge, and the expressed norm is to not be homosexual." I don't know if it's so much that the boys are afraid to diverge as much as they are afraid to bend over. It's a whole different ball of wax (which really shouldn't be brought into these scenarios at all during these early stages. You want to talk about causing confusion? A ball of wax will do just that.)

Apparently there were 440 17 year old girls and boys who were questioned for this study. 6.1 percent (about 26 or 27) of girls admitted to bumping funky with another girl and 1.7 percent (about 7 or 8) of the guys admitted to having gone Brokeback Mountain at some point. Rembeck, the midwife, said that she thinks that girls are "more inclined to experiment than boys are". I'm going to assume she's referring only to the same-sex sex activities here and not just in general. If she were making that statement in general, she's obviously unaware of some of the "experiments" that teenage boys will perform. (Trust me. There's a reason guys know exactly how many Oreo cookies one can fit into their mouth at one time.)

Rembeck, the midwife, added that, "It’s possible that girls who know they are oriented toward homosexuality have become sexually active earlier than boys." I swear, I hope it didn't take this study for her to come to that conclusion. Well, of course if you know something sooner than someone else knows something then you're going to be having sex with girls before they're having sex with boys. Or something like that. (I really have to look into getting myself one of the scientist gigs.)

So what have we learned? Learned? Are you kidding? After reading "Swedish Teen Girls Have More Sex With One Another", no one was paying attention. I was writing the thing and I wasn't even paying attention!

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Possibility of the Misperception of Scarves

What in the hell is wrong with people? You can't even have a chick in a scarf eating a donut without it bearing the underlying message of terrorism?! WTF?! Allow me to ridicule the ridiculous for you. Ahem...

The symbol of a weak and spineless corporation

Dunkin' Donuts had apparently ran an ad with perky, perky Rachael Ray. In the ad she is seen standing in front of trees with pink blossoms on them, smiling broadly (surprise) and clutching an iced coffee in one hand. She appears to be wearing a short sleeved shirt that looks to be dark gray and has a brown leather purse over the shoulder opposite of the iced coffee. She is also wearing what looks to me to be a tattered dishrag, but it is apparently a scarf. (I guess scarves are in again? Were they ever really in? Can't they stay out?) The scarf looks to be of some sort of whitish, off gray-ish color maybe? (I know you're wondering why I am rambling on about her fashion choices here. It's one instance that it's not my normal reason for rambling, but it will become apparent later on.) And although it looks that way to me, it apparently sports some sort of paisley pattern. I guess it matches the rest of her ensemble. (You're really asking the wrong person. A lot of the time I look like I got dressed in the dark.) So what's wrong with that, you ask? Geez! Do I have to explain everything to you?! For crying out loud, anyone can see that it promotes terrorism! Wait. What?

Perky, perky Rachael Ray (who also happens to be kinda hot)
Apparently, Dunkin' Donuts ran an online ad with the very perky, fairly hot Rachael Ray just as she appears above and a handful of people freaked out. (Mind you these are people who are constantly overreacting to the harmless by acting as if Jihadism has just been mainstreamed as a required course for elementary school students.) The freaking out came after the blogger who started the whole fakeroversy (that would be my coined term for a fake controversy) wrote, "It was with some dismay that I learned last week that Dunkin’ Donuts’ spokeswoman Rachael Ray, the ubiquitous TV hostess, posed for one of the company’s ads in what appeared to be a black-and-white keffiyeh." She continues with, "The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad" and that "it has been “mainstreamed by ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities and left-wing icons.” Good God, where to start?

While I figure out where to start, if you're wondering if you've ever seen someone wearing a keffiyeh, I'll bet that you have. Yassir Arafat seemed to have a fondness for the keffiyeh. And that's fine because he would fit the traditional definition of who wears a kaffiyeh, that being an "Arab man". Behold! The keffiyeh wearing, non-donut dunking, Yassir Arafat.

Arab man Yassir Arafat
I guess I could start by taking a closer look at the phrase "for the clueless". Now, I could be one of the clueless who are being referred to in that sentence, as I am under the impression that a scarf is a scarf. (I am also clueless as to how someone could or would want to think that it was a keffiyeh. Especially if you're going to be blogging about it. Wouldn't you just rather type 'scarf' instead of 'keffiyeh'? That's a made up word anyway, so why not just stick with 'scarf'? Especially since THAT'S WHAT IT IS! But I digress.)

Maybe that's some new blogger thing, the "for the clueless" phrase. Maybe I should try it. Let's see if I can nail the condescending tone when I try to use it in a sentence. about, "For the clueless, it's a freaking SCARF!" Hey! That was easy! I wonder if I can do it again?! Let's see....."For the clueless, Rachael Ray is not an Arab MAN." Right on. OK, one more. ..."For the clueless, from the looks of it, the word 'kaffiyeh' could translate in English to "checkered tablecloth worn atop the noggin." OK, OK. NOW I get it. Now if only those who wanted to believe it wasn't a scarf would get it.

Next, if "the keffiyeh has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad" don't you think that donning one over Rachael Freaking Ray with an iced coffee in one hand and a purse over her shoulder would tone that murderous symbol down just a tad? And as I understand it, the murderous Palestinian jihad doesn't want to tone down anything. (And they haven't, believe me. Because I'll tell you, I think "jihad" and I almost never think "iced, slushy, caffeinated beverage." Almost never.)

And what exactly is being implied by insisting that the paisley scarf is really a murderous Palestinian Jihadii symbol? That Dunkin' Donuts supports those sorts of activities? I don't think they do! And I really don't think that a statement like that would be a strong selling point for donuts (or any other deep fried, dough-based treat) in this country. Nor do I think that Dunkin' Donuts was trying to corner the market on murderous Palestinians without donuts (or anything to dunk them in, for that matter). I think they dressed perky (and getting hotter by the minute) little Rachael Ray in a paisley scarf, handed her an iced coffee and said, "Here's a truckload of money. Sell this!" And she did. "Did" as in "not any more".

Here is where I twist off. So, the fakeroversy comes to light, Dunkin' Donuts gets wind of it and what Even Arafat can't believe that Dunkin' Donuts pulled the addo they do? Do you think that they just keep running the online ad and ignore the drama queens who are in charge of the majority of fakeroversies? Do you think that they issue a statement saying that it's a scarf and for people to get over themselves? Do you think that they started developing a marketing strategy to sell scarves in every Dunkin' Donuts across this fine land? No, they didn't do any of that. They caved. They gave in to a bunch of people who want nothing more than to stir up a bunch of crap over nothing.

Here's the statement issued by Margie Myers, a senior VP for Dunkin' Brands: "In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. It was selected by the stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, as of this past weekend, we are no longer using the online ad because the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee." Oh, my God.

You have GOT to be kidding me! "Because the possibility of misperception"?? Well, EVERYTHING has the possibility of misperception (especially if you're an idiot)! You can find "possibility" in EVERYTHING! Things like this are why people now have to wonder if they should say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" because of the "possibility of misperception". I don't think that there is any possibility of any misperception when I say that was weak. Weak. Spineless. Wrong. Unbelievable.

Now I'm going to have to be twisting off here, so I'm going to wrap this up. Rachael Ray was wearing a SCARF in the Dunkin' Donuts ad. That's all it was, just a scarf. So if you're going to come up with some sort of ridiculous terrorism connection between the murderous Palestinian Jihad and Dunkin' Donuts, at least leave Rachael Ray out of it. Here. Here's Fred the Baker. He looks a heck of a lot more like Arafat than Rachael does. Hey! He DOES look a lot more like Arafat than Rachael does. Hmmmm......fakeroversy? I think not! Quick! Run with it!

Arab man Yassir ArafatFred The Baker

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Adding Some Excitement To Your Daily Run

I'm telling you, look at the map of Sweden and just guess why everything there has to do with a penisI'm not a huge fan of "the running". Sure, I can run, it just doesn't thrill me. I can even run really fast, but that's only if I'm being chased by a bear. (Hey, some things require incentive.) But overall, I'm having a hard time getting into it all that much. For those of you who enjoy all "the running", good for you. But according to our favorite Swedish news in English paper, The Local warns that if you're out running around in the Swedish town of Boras, you might just find a penis jogging next to you. Wait. What?

According to The Local, they're reporting in English that a bunch of women in the town of Boras (that's in Sweden) have been jogging along and then a naked man has suddenly leapt out from behind some bushes. He's not trying to assault them or scare them, apparently. He just falls in line with them and runs next to them for a bit before he disappears into the woods. Wow. Kind of like Bigfoot. Only jogging and with a visible penis. Interesting.

The naked jogger never says anything to the women. (And what the hell is he going to say otherI have a thing for runners. Well, runner. than, "Where are my pants?") One of the women said that although no physical assault was attempted, having a naked male stranger jog along, uninvited, next to her was "very uncomfortable and vulgar" according to Sture Thorstensson of the Boras Police Department. Well, yes, I should imagine it WAS uncomfortable. (Perhaps a bit more uncomfortable for the dude, though. All of that running and all of that flapping around. I don't even have one of those and it makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. I don't know how you guys walk around with those things anyway.)

According to the Swedish police reports in English, the man is usually completely naked, but was wearing a "stocking cap" on one occasion. How that helps anyone, especially the naked guy, is beyond me. Regardless, it's just one more excuse for me not to go running.

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

Where'd I Put That Puffer Fish?

'Ell-O!In London, when you leave something in a train, bus or taxi, the policy is that they hang onto it at the Transport For London Lost Property Office until someone claims it. And I was amazed at the stuff that people forget that the property office gets to hold. Simply amazed.

A record 170,000 items of lost property were left on the capital’s transport network over the last year. According to Julie Haley who manages the lost property office, the number of items that are handed in has been increasing year after year and claims that they receive approximately 700 items every day. (If you do the In England, it's OK to math with the 170,000 items a year figure, it appears to amount to around 465 items a day, but it's still a hell of a lot.) She claims that the fact that such a huge number of items are turned in every day "is a real testament to the honesty of Londoners on the whole.” See, but to me it's a testament that Londoners would forget their heads if they weren't attached to their bodies, so it's all just a matter of perception, really. Overall, about one in three of the items are returned (eventually) to the rightful owner (or the thief who left them on the bus).

So what do people leave on The Tube? Well, last year there were 32,268 books, 27,946 bags and 25,802 clothing items left behind. (What kind of clothing items? How many of those were pants? After all, the thing is called "The Tube". It seems like a reasonable question.) And if the pictures that the fine folks over at The Telegraph are any indication, there's a whole lot, I mean a whole lot of other stuff left lying around the transportation vehicles of London. Let's take a gander, shall we?

Stuffed (and lost) Puffer Fish

  • The stuffed puffer fish. What amazes me about this one is that it doesn't appear to be in any sort of carrying device. I could see forgetting it if it were in some sort of tank or box, but if you've got this sucker tucked under your arm, you'd think you might notice when you don't have it tucked under your arm (or when it feels a lot less pokey).

No one is coming back for these phones. The skull? Maybe.
  • Um, the 80s called. They want their phones back. (And bring the skull while you're at it!)

Now everyone can pretend they're the Queen on the bus.
  • I didn't even know that there were this many sparkly tiara like hairpieces that looked like butterflies or dragonflies, let alone that many that were left on the Tube. (Maybe they are actually tiaras. It is London. They have that whole monarchy/Queen thing going on and there are tiaras involved with stuff like that.)

Someone else's teeth.

  • And finally, the grossest (and most mind boggling) of them all: The piles of false teeth and other dental appliances and prosthetic teeth. Apparently, one guy who had lost his false teeth on a bus picked them up from the lost property office, only to return a few hours later to explain that they weren't his after all! Let's just forget about the "How do you leave your teeth on a bus?" question that's running through everyone's head right now. How about the other pressing question of, "How do you put in false teeth that aren't yours?!?!" (Good Lord, I hope he didn't have them in his mouth during the entire time he had them before he realized his unfortunate error.)

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

How Many Sausages Are In Your Pants?

Florida AgainWhat the hell is going on down there in Florida? Why am I writing about another beef jerky theft?!?! Why, oh why?!!

This time, in Port. St. Lucie, a man stuffed 23 packs of Slim Jim beef jerky and "hot sMarathon Gas Home of Tasty Beef Jerkyausages" down his pants and subsequently punched a man at the Marathon Gas Station where the dried beef treats were being pilfered from. (What in the hell is wrong with people?) Twenty three? Good God. How do you steal twenty three packs of beef jerky? Was he wearing a barrel? And on top of that, Slim Jims? You know, a "slim jim" is also the name of one of those long, thin metal tools that you use to unlock your car door when you lock the keys inside. But that doesn't work if you're trying to do that with one of the meat treats. Yeah, that will just leave a greasy smudge on the window and you still won't have your keys. But you will have a snack!

So, a one Jerry Boston, Jr., 23 (and wise for his age, I'm sure), was arrested and charged with theft and battery. The theft charge arising after the officer reported finding $25 worth of "meat products" inside of the man's pants. (I find it kind that the officer referred to the beef jerky as a "meat product", as I've always felt that the "meat" part of the "jerky" was always a little bit questionable.) The assault charge arose after one of the bystanders at the gas station told the officers that Boston punched him four times "for no reason". You know, I'd have to imagine that have 23 packs of beef jerky in one's trousers would make a guy do some crazy things.

Jerry Boston, Jr. Beef Thief

Mmmm...Slim JimsAccording to the clerks, when Boston entered the store, he went to the "meat section" (again, putting beef jerky in the "meat section"? Very generous.) and the clerks heard some "rustling around". Now they DO rustle cattle, from which the jerky is made. But the problem with that theory is that at that point, the cattle are long past the days when they could even be rustled. Thus, the clerks grew suspicious.

And when he came to the counter to pay for one of the hot sausages they saw "five more sausages sticking out of his pants." (Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say.) One of the clerks tried to call the police and that's when Boston called her a lesbian and told her to "be cool". (Hey, that's just what the article said! But I, for one, would really like to have actually heard that conversation, because I can't imagine that's totally accurate. Although, this guy seems to be a pretty dim bulb, so who knows? But it just makes me laugh to think of this salt beef thief saying something to the effect of,Slimmer Jims "Yo, lesbian! Be cool!") According to the clerk who was not called a lesbian, "He's like 'Oh, oh, oh, I have to have these! George Bush is charging my rent double and I can't afford these and my kids have to eat.' " Of course! He needed the beef snacks to feed the Slimmer Jims! The Little Jimmies! We should have known. (Loser.)

But fortunately, the police caught up with Boston before he could make a clean and meaty getaway....on his red bicycle.

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

Milk, It Does A Prisoner Good

Look, I don't know what all of the customs and norms are down under in Australia or anything like that, but I do know what's normal and what isn't. OK, I know what's fairly normal, but I definitely know what is NOT normal AT ALL under ANY circumstances! And in the Australian jails...well....OK, you decide.

In Queensland (that's in Australia), they are considering issuing condoms to prisoners. This isn't the first time they've thought about doing this. They actually did it once before, but then rescinded the program (more on that later). Back in 1999, they installed condom vending machines in three of the Queensland prisons. And during the time when the 10,285 prisoners had access to condoms, they went through about 30,000 a month. That's approximately three per inmate. Now, three times a month might not sound like much to you, but for those in prison? Three times a month sounds great! (Hey, three times a month sounds great to a lot of people who aren't in prison. Unfortunately, those people tend to hook up with people who think that only twice a month sounds good enough. You can tell how that ends up.) But again, considering it's prison and the prisoners are usually segregated by gender, three times a month? Seems like a lot.

But Matilda Alexander from The Prisoner's Legal Service says, "I think that the Government has a basic duty of care to provide access to or at least allow access to mechanisms to allow safe sex. Consensual sex in the prison environment is a reality and people who are engaging in that should be allowed to engage in it safely." Huh. Interesting perspective. So they're going to do a survey that will involve about 900 male prisoners and about 150 female prisoners. (Look, if you're wondering about the whole "female prisoners" and "condoms" angle of this, you're going to have to find another blog. I can't get into that. I mean, I could. I haven't. Well, lately. Gotten into...look never mind. Just use your imagination, OK?) The survey will contain questions about sexual behaviors (obviously).

But what isn't so obvious is why, if they all feel so strongly about this, they stopped doing it when they had already implemented it before? Well, what would you say if I told you that the condoms were being used for things other than sex? What about if I told you that they stopped the program because the inmates were using flavored condoms to sweeten their milk? Wait. What?

That's why the program was discontinued. The inmates somehow figured out that a flavored condom would be a nice additive to sweeten up milk. Aside from the "EEwwwww!" factor, WHO figured this out and HOW?!?! Look, I don't care if I'm in prison or not, sweetened milk will NEVER be so important to me that I'm dunking a condom in it like some sort of prophylactic teabag! I don't care if all of the other inmates are doing it! I'm NOT!

And "flavored condoms"? Geez, I thought the whole "condoms for prisoners" thing was pretty generous to begin with. But they're definitely going the extra mile there by making flavored condoms available. I don't know what would have been wrong with just regular 'ol condoms. I would have thought that if they were going to jazz things up a little bit, they'd offer "Ribbed - For Your Pleasure" or something along those lines. I didn't know that flavors would have even been an option to offer the prisoners.

Wow. I guess Australia has it's own set of issues I'd never even considered. What's up next on the prison reform agenda? Free porn and Hooker Tuesdays?

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Slow News Day In Florida

I'm starting to wonder exactly what in the heck qualifies for news down there in Florida. Seems like whatever it is, they might be running out of it and that's why they're reporting on stuff like this.

From the fine folks over there at Tampa Bay 10, in Hernando Beach, Florida, a place where there is a "beach" and an "ocean" and all of the things that come along with a "beach" and an "ocean, a 6-year old girl named Alexis was swimming in the water (yes, the article felt the need to let us know that the "swimming" occurred "in the water" of all places!) when, according to the six year old, "It felt like something was squeezing her body and pulling her under." She started screaming and some adults quickly got her out of the water "and onto a nearby boat." (OK, I would think that the shore would have been closer than the boat, but I wasn't there.) The report states that almost the girl's entire body "was covered in welts and there was what looked like a gash across her stomach." Wow. Then what?

Well, naturally, someone thought that it was the result of a jellyfish sting and they quickly sprayed a product called Sting Away all over her body. And just like the name implies, within a few minutes the sting went away! However, the physical evidence still remained. (It's an effective product, it's not a magic product.) There was a purple gash across her stomach and some of the spots around her legs and chest also turned purple. (At least it's consistent.)

So a kid gets stung by a jellyfish down yonder in Florida. Why is this news? Why is this being reported by Tampa Bay's 10 News? Because Alexis's mother is a 10 News producer! Imagine that! How convenient!

She gave the kid some liquid Benadryl before the kid went to bed. The kid didn't have a fever, she ate dinner as if she had not been mauled by a creature of the sea, and then she slept through the night as if she was over it and her mother, the news producer, was not. And the very next day, even though the physical markings of the beast of the deep, the jellyfish, were still upon her body, Alexis said she felt fine and is ready to go swimming in the pool (where there are no jellyfish). and now, back to you, MOM.

Un-believable. And yes, because my time was wasted with this ridiculous story (that should have been told at the kid's family reunion this summer instead of the entire Tampa Bay viewing audience for the News 10 news), I felt the need to waste yours with it as well. Because that's all there is. Kid gets stung by a jellyfish and ends up on the news because her Mom is a producer. Coming up next on the news, we'll go grocery shopping with the family! Please.

I did latch on to one really odd nugget of information in all of this, though. According to a paramedic’s guide book (and they're not saying which paramedic's guide book, so it could be the producer's sister or brother or husband who wrote the book, I have no idea.), it tells you what to do if you get a jellyfish sting. Well, this is news I can use. What should I do? It says, "You should first apply alcohol and then either meat tenderizer or shaving cream." Of course. Wait. What?

Meat tenderizer or shaving cream? When I'm at the beach?! Right. Swimsuit? Check. Sunglasses? Check. Towels? Check. Sunscreen? Check. Meat tenderizer? Check. Shaving Cream? Check. Wait. No. NO! No tenderizer! No shaving cream! That's because most people have figured out that if you shave before you go to the beach rather than when you are actually at the beach, that it really avoids a whole different set of issues that can arise. Who takes that stuff to the beach with them??

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

Yo Ho Ho and a Sword and Some Pot

The Official Pirate Kickball Flag Logo Thing So, would it surprise you if a guy in New York was arrested for carrying a rusty pirate sword into Macy's (of all places)? Not so much, right? Would it surprise you if it was a grown man on his way to a kickball game that he was playing in? Little bit, eh? Well, how about if the grown man on his way to a kickball game that he was playing in was carrying the rusty sword because his team dresses up like pirates for their games? Yep, that should do it.

Free Lance!And that's what got Lawrence Jackson (otherwise known as Matey Lance) arrested. That's Lance over there on the right. (He's clearly the secret love child of Spike Lee.) See, the NYPD doesn't see the pirate-y kickballer sword as being a sort of recreational sport prop. No, they tend to see it as a "weapon". Which is why they arrested him. (And they kind of have a point. I think "sword", I think "weapon". Actually, I think "sword", I think "Arrgh! Weapon!")

So what was a sporty, sword-wielding pirate doing at Macy's? He was shopping for glasses with his pregnant girlfriend, Teresa, on their way to his kickball game against " La Resistance" in Brooklyn's McCarren Park. They had taken the subway to Macy's and since no one on the New York subway complained about a fellow rider with a weapon (shocking, I know), he must have felt that the crowd at Macy's would have the same set of standards. Oh, but alas, they did not. (Teresa did say that she told him to "check the sword with security, but he went in with it anyway".) It was reported that some shoppers, those not used to weapon carrying buccaneers in the Vision Department, were frightened. That would explain how the cops became involved (I'm assuming).

His girlfriend told the New York Post, "It's metal, but it's a fake sword. It's not like he was going to hurt anyone." You know, while I know what she means, if it looks like a sword and it feels like a sword, it's kind of a sword. And Teresa and Lance told the cops this when they showed up. But the cops said, "He thought it was a toy. But it's not a toy. It's sharp." (Hey now! Think back to your childhood, officer! Some of the best toys that we had were sharp! Sharp, dangerous, could poke out an eye, that's the stuff that beautiful recreational memories from early childhood are made of.)

The BAS (Big Ass Sword)
And he might have been an oblivious sword carrying corsair, but he was also not a very bright one because the guy had an outstanding warrant for possession of marijuana. Marijuana that was just like the kind that he had on him at the time of the Great Macy's Sword Fiasco 2008. Brilliant.

But those kickballing pirates stick together like birds of a pirate's parrot's feathers. The captain of Lance's kickball team wrote a letter to the Post in support of Lance, kickball and pirates. It reads:

"We at Los Piratas Mechanicos (The Mechanical Pirates) ARRR like a family. We bring props, dress up like pirates, wear eyepatches and say ARRR all the time. We fly flags and throw water balloons. This is what we do. We ARRR the Pirates of Kickball. Lance has been an crucial part of this team for many years now. He was one of the first people to make me feel a part of the team I now lead. It is very unfortunate that Lance decided to take the sword and walk around with it in Macy's. The sword was actually supposed to be given to me as the official transference of captianship. So in a way I feel like it's partly my fault. We hope for his speedy release."

Well said, Captain. Well said. (Especially the part about "We ARRR the Pirates of Kickball". That was hilarious, sir. Hil-arious.)

Los Piratas Mechanicos - The Mechanical Pirates Kickball Team
Just in case you were wondering about the whole "adults playing kickball" thing, let me provide a few details. There are an astounding thirty three teams in the kickball league with the Pirates. Yes, thirty three. One more than the number of football teams in the NFL. And yes, the other 32 kickball teams sport names just as original as Los Pirates Mechanicos. For example, there are the MakeOuts, The John Cougar Mellencamps and The Government Kickbacks. Also, in addition to the pirate gear and pirate speak, Los Piratas Mechanicos sometimes sport drawn on mustaches for the full swashbuckling effect. ARRR!

Now, if you haven't found a soft spot for these grown men playing a sport usually found on elementary school playgrounds at recess, maybe this will do it: Here's what co-captain Hector Castillo had to say about the incident, "It was just a dumb joke. I know it sounds like a dumb idea, but we're all family here. We were planning a baby shower for his kid. We were going to deck it out with pirate flags." Aw. I mean, Ar.

Good luck with this, Lance. You ARRR probably going to need it.

I Heart Pirates, too.

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

Monday, May 26, 2008

Swedish Sexual Desires In English

Once again, our friends at The Local who provide us with our Swedish news in English, have given us more information that we didn't even know we were missing out on. According to The Local (in English), "Swedish mums are a kinky lot and want far more than they are actually getting, according to a survey done by trendy mummy magazine Mama." Oh, thank God for Sweden.

Now, I don't necessarily know if this is surprising to most people. I mean, because sex, done correctly, is a good thing. Done really correctly? Exactly. It's a really good thing (and it really was!). And can you get too much of a good thing? If it's sex? Not so much. Paying attention? "You can't get too much of a good thing if the good thing is sex!" (Does that sound like a personal service announcement/personal plea? Oh, totally. =) So it shouldn't surprise you that The Local reports that the Swedish mums "want more nookie and they want it now." Wow. They're rather demanding in Sweden. What else?

Well, "43% of the mums under age 29 own a dildo and almost 28% of those questioned in the Mama survey have checked out online porn." (Oh, please. 28 percent?!? Is this some sort of dyslexic survey? That should be 82 percent and even then, that figure seems low! Here's another stat: New Swedish mothers lie in English!) But even though they're checking out the online porn, 31 percent "think their man's freshly showered body is the greatest turn-on." But not all, because "7 percent of mums have been unfaithful after becoming mothers." (They're just bitter. They'll get over it.) Is there more?

You bet! "Back to the kinky stuff: 23 percent fantasize about other men or women during sexual intercourse. 37 percent of the younger mums (under age 29) have had lesbian fantasies." All right, now we're talking! We've just gone from new Swedish sexless mothers to European girl-on-girl action here! I love Sweden! (By the way, if there's 37 percent that are having the lesbian fantasies, it seems like there'd be plenty of them to hook up with each other some how. What?! I just want them to be happy, that's all!)

But here's what it's all about. According to the survey, "60 percent of mums simply want more frequent sex. They would like to have sex at least once or twice a week but only 38 percent of them actually get it that often." Once or twice a week? They're really not asking for much! Think about it! How hard would that be to get accomplished?! Not very! Once or twice? That's next to nothing! Why not have all the sex?! (Sensing a little foreshadowing here, are we? Maybe a little, sure. Oh, wait. For this post? Oh, not so much.)

The Local says that while many parents "downsize" their sexual activities once the children invade the household, they do what they can when they can, with 38 percent answering that they have had sex with the baby asleep in the room with them. (I don't find that in the least bit shocking. How many of us did the same thing in our college dorm with our roommate there? I mean, um, how many of you did that in your college dorm?) The article also says that although the new mothers are good at multitasking in their sleep, having sex isn't one of the things that they can multitask while sleeping. (What CAN they multitask while sleeping is what I want to know? Hey, and if they're asleep, maybe they CAN multitask sex. They just might not know about it! that I think about it....this "multitasking while sleeping" dealio might explain a few things. Or at least a few people.)

And as always, The Local doesn't finish this story without going out in true Local fashion. The article concludes with, "The survey questioned 918 Mama readers in an Internet survey carried out in co-operation with RAM." And if there was a little more co-operation with RAM, these women wouldn't be complaining. (Research and Analysis of Media is what that really stands for. But really? It can stand for whatever you'd like it to.)

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

It's Not Exactly an Olympic Event

Every year since 1620 in the Spanish village of Castrillo de Murcia (that's in Spain), there is the Catholic festival of Corpus Christi (not the Texas town). The festival is to mark the Catholic feast of Corpus Christi. It's apparently a very festive festival and is widely celebrated in Spain (not so much in Texas). They have the usual festival festivities there. The dancers, the plays, the eating, the grown men dressed like the devil jumping over small infants on mattresses. Wait. What?

It would seem as if Spain and those over yonder in the Philippines have a lot in common when it comes to slightly odd (Translation: WTF) celebratory practices. (You remember those over in the Philippines. The ones who like to re-enact the nailing of Christ to the cross by actually nailing themselves to crosses? Hey, I'm not judging! I'm just saying I like my holidays to be a little less...nail-y. That's all.) And I'm going to try and explain this oddity in as equal of a colorful fashion as I can. (I'm not thinking it's going to take a lot of effort. Sometimes, the really f-ing weird stuff is just funny in and of itself.)

Here's the scoop: The purpose of this strange ritual is meant to ward off the devil. In the village, men dress up as the Colacho. The Colacho is a character that represents the devil. (Now, I would think that if your goal was to "ward off" something, you wouldn't dress up like the thing you were wanting to "ward off". That seems an awful lot like something you would do if you wanted to "ward on" something. But what do I know? I'm not Spanish. But I do think I'm onto something.)

For other reasons that I have yet to understand (or find the origin of), another part of warding off the devil, aside from dressing up LIKE the devil, is to run and leap over clusters of infants that are laid out on mattresses. Of course. Wait. One more time?

Behold! Spaniards dressed like the devil jumping over babies dressed like babies!

According to our friends across the pond at the BBC, "Nobody appears to get hurt in this year's festive event." (Again, note the use of the term "festive" and how it can easily be interchanged with the term "freaking weird". They're tricky like that in Europe.) Well, and I should say that it's a good thing that nobody got hurt because if someone were to get hurt, I'm guessing it would have to be the babies! Who else is there? The brilliantly clad, leaping Spanish guy? I'm thinking he can hold his own! The helpless children, laid atop a mattress for the sole purpose of being leapt over? They're at the mercy of a guy dressed like the devil. And that isn't comforting for anyone, especially the children. I mean, look at the picture below. Do the people, presumably the parents, look all that comfortable with this? I'm not sure what the one hand on the kid is going to do is suddenly Macho Colacho steps on a banana peel or something and the whole thing goes horribly awry. But again, I'm still not Spanish, so what do I know?

I guess they don't just jump over babies at this festival (though I'm sure it's the highlight). There are other things that do not involve children in woolly feet-y pajamas. As the BBC tells us, "The shadowy brotherhood of Santísimo Sacramento de Minerva, the people responsible for organising the celebrations,dress up as devils and harass party-goers as they chase and terrorise anybody and everybody in the town at regular intervals throughout the day." How exciting! Not only do you get to watch in horror while infants unwillingly participate as the obstacle in a Spanish hurdling/devil warding off sporting event, you also get to be chased and terrorized by members of a "shadowy brotherhood." But wait! There's more!

"In addition to the devil costumes, participants also carry whips and truncheons to appear extra horrible." In case you are unfamiliar with what a "truncheon" is, allow me. A truncheon, while it sounds like "luncheon" (something quite pleasant), it is neither a "luncheon", nor is it "pleasant". A truncheon is a club-like weapon, small enough to be wielded in one hand. (Think of the club of a caveman. Only a Spanish cave man jumping over infants. Oh, and make sure he's dressed like the devil in this vision you're concocting.) OK, now you're with me!

WTF? Jumping over babies? Dressing like the devil? Terrorizing party-goers? Wielding clubs and whips? Why am I so surprised that no one is naked during this thing? Come on, you know you've read this far and you've been expecting "penis" to just jump out at you at some point. (Oh, not literally, for cryin' out loud! No one wants that!) But once again, we have an instance of a very, very bizarre ritual that a LOT of people seem to take VERY seriously and there is NO logical explanation for it at all. None. "Jump over a baby, get rid of the devil." Why? No one ever asks WHY! They just do it! Look, I might not have a kid, but even still, I'm not putting anything of value (a relative, an animal, a sandwich) on a mattress for some guy I don't even know to jump over because there is some unknown reason that I am just supposed to do it. No thanks. I'll ward off the devil my own ways from now on, thank you very much.

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content