Ahhh, The South

There wouldn't be so many damn stereotypes about the south if it weren't for hilarious incidents such as this one. This is what we have here: A woman's sister is getting arrested. The woman finds out that it will be on something called County Law (which is apparently the southern version of Cops). The woman not getting arrested gets very excited that the County Law folks are there. And who wouldn't be excited to learn that your kinfolk gettin' 'rested is gonna be on the telebishun?

Stereotypes exist for a reason. Don't get mad at people who keep using stereotypes to define or describe people when there are people like those in the video above who do nothing but perpetuate the stereotypes. In fact, can we even call it a stereotype if it's freaking true?

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Would You Like A Felony With That?

If recent news stories are any indication, there would appear to be a bit of confusion regarding the protocol at fast food eating establishments. Lots of people seem to be incredibly unclear on the concept of what is and what is not OK. Therefore, in an attempt to minimize any more future missteps, I'm going to try to explain this whole thing in the best way that I can. Now, while not an incredibly complicated item to learn it can get tricky for some folks. But interestingly enough, it can also be quickly mastered if you just apply yourself! So fret not little softheads who are probably having someone else read this to them, fret not.

Here we go. Feel free to take notes if you'd like.

In general, 911 services and/or law enforcement should almost never be used in regard to your order at a fast food restaurant. In fact, I'd conservatively estimate that 99.995% of the time you should have absolutely no need for the police in regard to your order. I know, I know! It seems like there are SO many things that can go wrong with ones order. (How many times do they get it right on the first try? They can't really hear very well when you're shouting into that clown thing in the drive-thru.) It would seem almost (but not quite!) logical to wonder how law enforcement can NOT get involved when dealing with fast food fare. Oh, and if you're IN law enforcement, don't think that this doesn't apply to you, because it does! I'm here to tell you it most certainly DOES apply to you as well. It's just unfortunate that a one 29-year old Derrick Curtis Saunders with the Aurora Police Department in Colorado wasn't aware of this before he brandished his weapon because his order was taking too long.

What now?

Correct. From the folks over at CBS-4 in Denver we learn that the District Attorney in Arapahoe County will be charging Saunders with a host of offenses after he allegedly pointed his gun through the window at a McDonald's employee because he felt that it was taking too long for him to get his order. It was apparently around 3am and if you've ever been at a fast food drive-thru at 3am, you know that they're not exactly known for their speed and attentiveness. Granted, I've never seen inattentiveness that has warranted brandishing a firearm at someone, so I'm not condoning this sort of behavior. I'm just saying, I understand. To a degree.

And while Saunders is a cop, we have to remember that his assignment is the overnight shift at the airport. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm merely saying that there might be a specific reason why someone in particular is assigned to the overnight shift at the airport, a place where there aren't very many people that one would have to interact with.

There isn't much to the story, other than a guy with incredibly poor judgment. Saunders and another officer had placed their order in the drive-thru and then when they drove up to the first or second window (because you can never tell which one they mean and it's almost always the wrong one that you end up at while your food is at the other) and then had to wait for an amount of time that is unspecified, but clearly too long for our hero. That's when "...one of the officer's flashed his police badge and pointed a pistol through the drive through window in a threatening manner, before driving off without paying."

Tell me, what would it look like to point your pistol through the drive-thru window in a "non-threatening manner"? Of COURSE it was in a threatening manner! It's a GUN! The very essence of a gun IS supposed to be threatening! Who is that for?

Oh, all right! That's enough! Where was I?

The odd part of this story (aside from all of the gun pointing) which is not explained in the multitude of accounts is that this example of excellence in idiocy took place on May 21, 2009, but they're just now filing charges against Saunders. Why so long? Maybe they were just trying to ascertain that he wasn't the Hamburglar. Or perhaps the badge had the employees confused at first and they thought they had been threatened by Officer Big Mac. I don't know what the delay was and God forbid if someone "reporting" this story actually answered that question. Sadly, there isn't a mugshot or booking photo of this genius yet. But all in due time, I'm sure.

The DA will be charging Saunders with something called felony menacing. He'll also be charged with "prohibited use of a weapon, reckless endangerment and disorderly conduct", that according to the The Denver Post. Felony menacing appears to be a Colorado law in which someone "knowingly places someone else in fear of imminent serious bodily injury." Basically if you try "to make someone believe they are going to get seriously hurt (at that moment and) not at some future date" then you're a felony menacer. Ironic that the menacing has to imply something is going to happen right at that moment, and yet it's two months after the fact before the charges were filed. And just in case you were thinking that he could say that alcohol was involved, being drunk is no excuse for felony menacing and you can't even TRY to use that as a rationale as to why you felt that the best way to speed up the drive-thru workers at Mickey D's at 3am was to point your gun at them.

So to recap, please don't involve or include any form of law enforcement or emergency services in conjunction with your lending your patronage to a fast food eatery. I don't care if you got an apple pie and you had ordered a cherry pie. I don't care if your fries are warm and limp instead of hot and crisp. I don't care if you have to wait for your food at 3am. Leave the police AND all guns OUT of it. Especially since you're just setting yourself up for trouble simply by just using the drive-thru because in the words of Joe Pesci from Lethal Weapon 2 "They f*** you at the drive-thru." Eat at your own risk.

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They're Pairing Up In Flori-duh

Just a couple of days ago I brought you the idiotic antics of two individuals who both reside in the over-chlorinated gene pool of Flori-duh and who both called 911 on the same day for asinine reasons. One called because he was drunk and the store clerk wouldn't sell him more beer on a lovely Saturday morning (one just made for drinkin' I'd imagine!). And the other called because the Burger King had run out of lemonade. (Apparently, the man was quite parched and no other ade would do.) And again we have two numbnuts, in Flori-duh, committing crimes using mostly their wits. That, of course, explains why they were so easily apprehended. That's the thing about moronic criminals. They're easy to catch, but there's just so damn many of them that it's hard to tell that we've even made a dent.

Let's first wander cautiously over to Cape Haze, Flori-duh where we'll meet a one David Eric Hampton. Mr. Hampton decided it would be a good idea to rob the BP gas station. He clearly put much thought into his plan as he brought along his 12-inch Bowie knife as a weapon. Now, don't get me wrong or anything, but I'm just not going to be as intimidated by a guy with a knife as a weapon during a robbery as I would have been if the guy had a gun. Oh, I'm still going to give him the money! He does have a knife and knives by definition are usually quite pointy and can cause harm to a one gas station clerk who does not want to end up all puncture-y. So I'd comply, I'd just take my time.

However, I'm thinking that the dumbass probably should have made a list of things to bring along for the robbery. Perhaps that way he would have remembered to fill his car up with gas first and would not have subsequently run out of gas during his getaway after robbing the gas station. Oh, the irony.

He took off from the scene in his super-cool getaway car, a white Mercury Cougar while a customer in the store called 911. (Hey, 911-calling morons from the other post! See? This is an example of a legitimate reason to call 911! Not being able to quench your thirst with your beverage of choice is not a reason to call!) Cops arrived and searched the area around the gas station and in the direction of which our incompetent hero fled. It was during that search that they found his black hooded sweatshirt and "other clothing", according to Tampa's 10 Connects, behind a house. That's when a newspaper carrier told the cops that a guy with a white car told him that he had run out of gas just up the road.

The cops found the car and learned that it was registered to our incompetent dumbass. Said incompetent dumbass was found sitting behind a house that was nearby. I guess he thought he was hiding? He didn't do a very good job of that either, as the cops found him and arrested him. He looks about like what you'd expect, doesn't he?

And the other genius in this crime blundering duo looks about like you'd expect him to look as well. Here we have a one Nicolas Tatum who wandered into a Walgreen's in Naples and "...demanded a bottle of an undisclosed medication" reported the Naples Daily News. Instead of openly brandishing a weapon such as a 12-inch Bowie knife, Mr. Tatum used the old pointed-finger-in-the-jacket-pocket ploy. I'm assuming it was a ploy, as he told the pharmacy tech that it was a real gun which is one of the leading indicators that there is no gun in there.

So while he's trying to be Pointy von Scary-Robber, another pharmacy tech comes over and asks if he's been helped. Wow! Now that's customer service for you right there! And in a flash of inspiration, the tech asked Tatum "...for his name and birth date." You know, "...so he could check for his prescription."

Yeah, sure, that's brilliant and all but come on, how stupid would someone have to be to actually give their real na.....he did give his real name to the guy?!?! AND his real birthday?!?! As he was trying to rob the pharmacy?!?! You know, there's dumb and then there's dumb, but this is the kind of dumb that you just can't argue with.

Yep, so dude tells them that he is "Nicolas Tatum, and that he was born on Oct. 15, 1980". And in another brilliant flash of inspiration the pharmacy tech told him that "...he couldn’t fill his prescription for another month." I guess after the guy gave up his real name and birthday, the pharmacy guy figured that he might as well try to get him out of there by saying that he'd have to wait a month. Heck, I'd try anything at that point. Maybe shout, "Look! A unicorn!!" Then see if he turns around and when he does, hit him over the head. Man, with this guy, you could probably just point to the floor and say, "Look! A quarter!" and that would be sufficient.

Anyway, when people came into the store, Einstein here fled. They pharmacy folks gave his plainly stated name and birthday to the cops who then paid him a visit at his apartment. They were pretty sure it was him who had tried to rob the pharmacy as he "...was still wearing the baseball cap and jeans he had on in surveillance video from Walgreens." Doesn't even change out of his robbin' clothes when he gets home. That's a shame. Enjoy jail, loser.

Do I lie about these things? Of course not. They're just going to start happening in twos down in Flori-duh from now on, I can feel it. As if you need any more proof, here is a list of some of the other stories that were being covered on Tampa's 10 Connects:

• Woman accused of illegal butt injections turns herself in


• Bag of M&M's clenches "Zorro" case


• Woman accused of having sex with dogs


• Woman wielding a BBQ fork shot dead by police


• Dad let 8-year old son drive
  

Enough said. Flori-duh - America's Freak Show; It's Where to Turn if You Think There's Hope. There's Not. Flori-duh.

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Double the Dip S****s in Flori-duh

Flori-duh, the breeding ground for idiocy. When you hear a story about someone who has done something so unbelievably stupid, nine times out of ten the person and their moronic deed(s) are in Flori-duh. And today is no different except for the fact that there isn't just one idiot, there are two idiots. Two separate idiots but with almost identical asinine stunts! And both of them from where? Flori-duh, that is correct (and not surprising).

We'll start with Dip S_ _ _ #1, a one Armando Merino. (He looks about like what you'd expect someone involved in a story like this would look like.) Mr. Merino (aka Dip S) was in a convenience store attempting to buy beer on Saturday morning. Now, right there, you can see there's going to be a problem. There are two reasons that one buys beer in the morning on a Saturday. One is that you have a function or an event which requires you to have beer. Those events would include tailgate parties, any sporting event (and yes, golf, tennis and beer pong all count!) and college graduation. (Spring break doesn't really count because you're drunk all the time during spring break. It's like a prerequisite of the break in the spring. One must be continually smashed . It's the rule. I'm (fairly) certain of it.) The second reason that one buys beer in the morning on a Saturday is that they still think it's Friday, as they're very drunk and haven't been to bed yet, mainly because they have a hankerin' for some more alcohol. Guess which one of those situations was likely applicable to Mr. Merino's situation? Here's a hint: Not the first one.

Apparently, the clerk at the convenience store refused to sell our hero Dip S the beer. Naturally, that was completely unacceptable to our hero Dip S who began to threaten said clerk for her refusal. The clerk, sensing that situation could get uglier, "called 911 complaining that a customer was threatening her because she wouldn't sell him more alcohol." I'm guessing the folks at 911 are used to phone calls like that. I am also guessing they are not used to the next phone call they got.

A few minutes later, "911 dispatch operators received a second call from the store. This time it came from the customer, Armando Merino, who allegedly used "abusive" language with the operator." Only in Flori-duh.

So Dip S called 911 because she wouldn't sell him beer. According to the arrest report officers "...attempted to calm the man down, however he continued to use abusive language with the clerk as well as the responding officers." Shocking, I know. But if you thought that was shocking, this will really floor you: "Police say the man smelled of alcohol and appeared to be "unsteady" on his feet." Shocked? I thought so!

So we have Senor Stumblebum swearing at the beer sale refusing clerk and swearing at the cops who had responded to two 911 calls, one of them from Dip S himself! I'm sure the audio tape of his 911 call will be released in a couple of days and that's pretty much guaranteed to bring some amusement to the lives of many. In conclusion of this part of the saga, he was booked into jail, he was released later, blah, blah, blah, you know how it ends.

Well, you know how that story ends. What about Dip S #2 with a remarkably similar tale? We go now to Boynton Beach, Flori-duh where we find a one Jean Fortune, a 66 year old man who really likes lemonade, apparently, in the drive-thru of a Burger King. When Mr. Fortune (aka Dip S the Second, or just Dip S II) ordered his food, he was told by the drive-thru cashier that the Burger King did not serve lemonade anymore. That did not bode well with Dip S II.

I will say I can understand being disappointed at not being able to get a lemonade. I like lemonade. I'd be disappointed too. I, however, would not call 911 to voice my displeasure simply because they were out of lemonade. Fries? That's a different story. But lemonade? Come on.

Correct. According to the folks over there at the Palm Beach Post, Dip S II called 911 after he "...became angry when he picked up his order at the window and threatened to call police" and the cashier told him "Go ahead." I think I probably would have responded the same way. Whatever dude. Call away! Have a good time! Say 'hi' to dispatch for me, will ya? Thanks!

Then for five minutes he voiced his complaint to the 911 dispatch personnel. Five minutes. How could one complain for five minutes about the BK not having lemonade? What else is there other than "I'm pissed off because they're out of effing lemonade and I'm quite parched, dammit!" That seems all inclusive right there and it wouldn't have taken five minutes. Then again, he was in Flori-duh and they tend to need extra time sounding out big words and all. But according to Dip S II, he made the call because "I was hungry and I didn't like the way she was acting with the customer."

In the police report it said that Dip S II "...could not explain why he resorted to calling 911 for a "civil dilemma." " As a lame ass attempt at explaining it, the best he could come up with to the SunSentinel.com was "I am not from here and I didn't know I couldn't do that." Was he from the moon? He didn't know you couldn't call 911 because there wasn't any lemonade? I'm pretty sure that even if you weren't told specifically that calling 911 due to a lack of lemonade would be frowned upon, I think one could be expected to noodle that one through themselves. Look at the logo! Does it say "Beverages"? No. And it's an even lamer excuse considering that this doofus "...has been in the U.S. from Haiti for at least 25 years."

Two ridiculous calls to 911 on the same day in the same state. What are the odds? If you're in Flori-duh, the odds are, unfortunately, quite high.

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An Oral History of Charles Barkley

Gosh dang it, I love Charles Barkley. The guy was way fun to watch when he was playing in the NBA, but since he's retired he's been more fun to watch! Actually, I take that back. Since he's retired, he's been more fun to listen to! Man, that guy is like a factory for one-liners. Get this: He's in some sort of a fight where he ends up throwing a guy through the first floor window of a bar. He ends up in front of a judge who tells him that he's going to receive community service and a fine. Then the just asks him if he has any regrets. Sir Charles replies, "Yeah I regret we weren't on a higher floor." Most excellent! Or how about back in 1992 when the Olympic Dream Team was playing against Panama in the Tournament of the Americas and Barkley was asked what their goal was. He said, "To get the Canal back." Awesome. OK, just one more! I don't know when or where he said this one, I'm just taking the word of a one Robert Littal over there at Black Sports Online. But Barkley is said to have said the following: "I'd never buy my girl a watch... she's already got a clock over the stove." Now, as a chick, I can't condone that. But as a chick who isn't around anyone else right now, I can laugh my ass off because that is funny!

So far be it for Charles to let us down in the early morning hours of the last day of 2008 when he was pulled over and subsequently arrested for DUI in Arizona. Let's start with the mug shot, shall we? Good Lord, how much alcohol does it take to get a hulking mass sponge like Charles Barkley drunk? I'd have to assume we'd be graduating past the keg and into the barrel category. Regardless, here you go. Behold!

Now that's a man who had a good time right up until the second he was arrested, I'll tell you that right now. Sweaty, glossy eyed, and wearing a smirk that says "I hope they get my good side. What am I talking about? All my sides are good!" I would like to know more about what he's wearing. Add some wooden beads to that shirt there and he looks like he's wearing a car seat cover.

According to the police report (which will enlarge if clicked upon) that was made available by the smoking good folks at The Smoking Gun, the arresting officer saw a black Infiniti SUV going southbound roll through a stop sign going about 10 mph. As the cop pulls out to catch up to Barkley, the SUV stops just past the intersection where he ran the stop sign and a female gets into the passenger seat. (Hmmmm....you see where this is going, right?) Then the SUV starts to take off and the cop flips on his lights. Now, usually, when one gets pulled over, they do just that. They pull over. Not Barkley. No, he just stopped and blocked the only southbound lane that there was! (Well, at least he stopped.)

The cop goes up to the window and tells Barkley why he was stopped, to which Barkley acknowledges, but that's about it. When the cop asks him if he had been drinking, the honorable Sir Charles replies, "Yes, I have!" And when asked how many, he tells the cop, "A couple. I could give you a bullshit answer, but I didn't." And it's unfortunate that when it comes to drunk driving, honesty is not exactly going to win you any points. On the bright side, no one will be calling you a liar, so that's something!

The cop gives him the field sobriety tests because Charles reeks of alcohol. He fails and he gets arrested. I guess in Arizona they also draw blood for DUIs? News to me. Barkley let them take 2 vials of his blood, but told the officer that he drinks, "...but I don't do any of that other sh*t." He told the officer two more times that he did not do drugs. Once would have been plenty, Charles, but you're drunk so it's....well....it's not OK, but we understand.

But here's where it gets better. (Fair warning: There will be acts of carnality described here without censorship. If it was profanity, I'd probably use the little asterisk. But it's not and since it's not overly graphic and doesn't involve animals or anything like that, I'm just going with what it is. Just so you know.) The cop asked Barkley where he was going. Sir Charles the Honest tells him that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl that the cop saw get into the SUV. Then Barkley asked the cop to admit that the girl was hot! I don't know if the cop acknowledged the girls hotness because from there the report goes right to Barkley asking the cop, "You want the truth?" Oh, please! The truth would be mar-velous right about now! So he says, "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job." He then felt the need to explain (as if the cop wouldn't understand why a guy would want a blow job in the first place) that the girl had blown him a week earlier and he said that it "was the best one he had ever had in his life" according to the police report. Yeah, well, that may or may not be true because I dare anyone to show me one guy who ever had a blow job that he did not enjoy profusely.

While he was being processed, he told one of the cops, "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if the cop helped him get out of the DUI. Then he laughed that ass that he was going to tattoo on off and said, "I'll tattoo your name on MY ass!" Now that makes more sense! (Unless the guy was a big Charles Barkley fan, I couldn't see how tattooing Charles' name on the guy's ass would be any sort of an incentive to do anything at all!)

Shortly after this, Barkley was released. The officer who received all of this information and wrote the report also indicated that he had audio taped the conversation and that will be included in the evidence as well and I, for one, cannot wait until that is available! THAT should be good. We'll get all of the amusement of his statement WITH the added bonus of being able to hear the slurring! Excellent!

They also found a handgun in the SUV. What is it with athletes and guns?? Why do so many of them feel the need to constantly travel anywhere with a firearm either in their car or in their luggage or in their pants? Why?? And most of these famous athletes who end up in legal trouble because of their fondness for their firearms are not people who cannot afford to buy themselves some other form of protection. They don't need to be packing the heat themselves! Hire yourself some damned bodyguards, guys! Put the guns away! Besides, where do these guys think that they are and what do they think is going to happen that they will need to be armed in order to make it through alive?! It's not like they're at an away game on the Gaza Strip or anything. What's with the guns? I don't get it.

I also don't get what ever happened to the best blow job giver in the world. She just disappeared from the whole incident. I mean, she got in the SUV before he was pulled over and then....?? That's right. Nothing! Was she released? Was she arrested, er, persecuted for her trade? They really should have kept better tabs on her because I'll bet that Charles wanted to know where she was when he was released. And I can almost guarantee you that he got that blow job that he was after because you don't go looking for a little southern lovin' and end up getting arrested and then not go back to get what got you in trouble in the first place. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been worth it getting arrested. But once that's item on his agenda is all taken care of, he'll be fine with the whole thing. Actually, it's Charles Barkley. Whether he's fine with it or not, it will still be entertaining for us onlookers. Can't wait until court! Stay tuned, won't ye?

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Suit Yourself

Lots of modern technology available to those in law enforcement these days. Lots of it. Did I say lots? I meant lots and lots. And apparently the German police want nothing to do with it. No, they seem to have their own secret weapon in the fight against crime. That's right. Tree suits. Wait. What?

Apparently, over there in Germany in Bochum in North Rhine-Westphalia, there had been a bunch of burglaries in a short period of time. Now, the details on all of this are a little sketchy, just so you know that I'm not leaving anything else. (Please. Me? Leave something out?!), but according to Bild, "A passer-by had earlier discovered bin bags containing laptops, clothes and tools for breaking in. It was immediately clear what it was – a burglar’s lair!" Now, it doesn't tell the reader what the passer-by was passing by, nor does it mention how one who is just 'passing by' discovers all of the 'bin bags' (which I am assuming is fancy European talk for 'trash bags') filled with loot. It also leaves out the most important item, that being that apparently in Germany they still use the term 'lair'. But you now know as much as I do.

The passer by alerted the cops to the lair loot, who then had to come up with a way to nab the bandit. (Bild tries to make this sound just as exciting as it can be, but it's not all that exciting to begin with, so the noble effort falls a little short.) The article says, "Inspector Michael L. (27) was keen to catch the crook red-handed. He said: “I discussed with my colleague how we could camouflage ourselves in the forest. Then we discovered the suit in a mail-order catalogue and bought two for €100 each – out of our own pockets.” "

The suits to which Michael L (shouldn't there be a little disclaimer that says "Not his real name" and then a shadowy silhouette?) refers to are tree suits. Suits that look like trees. Trees that are really suits. Tree suits. Yes, those tree suits. Wait. Huh? Behold! Tree suits! Suits that look like trees!

I don't know if I'd call that a "tree". It kind of looks like vertical pond scum. I guess the German trees are of the rather mossy variety? It's certainly not what I think of when I think of "trees". But hey, what's going on over there in Germany, anyway?! What the heck kind of a catalog do y'all have just lying around with tree suits for sale in it? What else is for sale in that catalog? Flower suits? Suits that look like big bees? Gingerbread men? What kind of a catalog is this?!

Well, we never find out any more about the catalog. Next thing we know, the cops have donned the tree suits and they now look like trees. Then they waited in the forest with the other trees that were not suits. And they waited. And they waited. And they waited. All the while? Correct, wearing the suits of trees. But again, not looking so much like trees as they did just outdoor green stuff (as you can clearly see, or not see, from the photo below. They're in there!).

Finally, after eight tree-like hours, they heard a car approach. According to someone (again, Bild, not all that great with the details there, folks.) “As we jumped up from the ground, we were immediately attacked. But we were able to overwhelm and arrest the man.” OK, well, in defense of the criminal, you guys are kind of lucky to be alive. Personally, if I'm in the forest (regardless as to whether or not I'm going to my lair for my booty of hidden stash) and suddenly some trees start coming at me? There wouldn't be a calm resolution to the situation, I'll tell you that right now! If I found myself in the middle of an episode of "When Arbors Attack", I'm going to grab the nearest ill-begotten bin bag and hope that I had stolen an axe at some point during my crime spree. I can't say I blame the guy for "attacking".

Turns out, the guy was from Romania and only travelled to Germany just to do the burglarizing. (Geez, talk about a commute. Must have been rather profitable. At least, more profitable than pilfering other people's belongings in your own country. This is why we need border enforcement everywhere!) No word on why he chose to hide everything in a German forest rather than take it back to Romania. And really, no word on why they had to wear tree suits in the first place. Couldn't they have just, oh, I don't know....hid in the forest? It seems like they knew just where he was going to show up (albeit eight hours later, but still, I doubt it was coincidence.), so couldn't they have just planted themselves (pun intended) behind a rock or a potted palm or something and waited? Why the suits? Just to be fancy? People don't like a show off.

So what have we learned from this? Not much, which is kind of the problem. When you read a story and then you end up with more questions than you had when you started (and if you're me, that's a heck of a lot of questions), that's not exactly stellar journalism. It's annoying is what it is. Come on, Bild guys! I know you can do better, so I'm willing to give you another shot. The next time that law enforcement personnel are dressing up in suits they get from some mystery catalog (which probably has something to do with porn) in order to nab some forest bandit, try and do a better job of making sure that you've reported on all angles of the thing. Most importantly, what the heck kind of a catalog was that.

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How Many Sausages Are In Your Pants?

What the hell is going on down there in Florida? Why am I writing about another beef jerky theft?!?! Why, oh why?!!

This time, in Port. St. Lucie, a man stuffed 23 packs of Slim Jim beef jerky and "hot sausages" down his pants and subsequently punched a man at the Marathon Gas Station where the dried beef treats were being pilfered from. (What in the hell is wrong with people?) Twenty three? Good God. How do you steal twenty three packs of beef jerky? Was he wearing a barrel? And on top of that, Slim Jims? You know, a "slim jim" is also the name of one of those long, thin metal tools that you use to unlock your car door when you lock the keys inside. But that doesn't work if you're trying to do that with one of the meat treats. Yeah, that will just leave a greasy smudge on the window and you still won't have your keys. But you will have a snack!

So, a one Jerry Boston, Jr., 23 (and wise for his age, I'm sure), was arrested and charged with theft and battery. The theft charge arising after the officer reported finding $25 worth of "meat products" inside of the man's pants. (I find it kind that the officer referred to the beef jerky as a "meat product", as I've always felt that the "meat" part of the "jerky" was always a little bit questionable.) The assault charge arose after one of the bystanders at the gas station told the officers that Boston punched him four times "for no reason". You know, I'd have to imagine that have 23 packs of beef jerky in one's trousers would make a guy do some crazy things.

According to the clerks, when Boston entered the store, he went to the "meat section" (again, putting beef jerky in the "meat section"? Very generous.) and the clerks heard some "rustling around". Now they DO rustle cattle, from which the jerky is made. But the problem with that theory is that at that point, the cattle are long past the days when they could even be rustled. Thus, the clerks grew suspicious.

And when he came to the counter to pay for one of the hot sausages they saw "five more sausages sticking out of his pants." (Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say.) One of the clerks tried to call the police and that's when Boston called her a lesbian and told her to "be cool". (Hey, that's just what the article said! But I, for one, would really like to have actually heard that conversation, because I can't imagine that's totally accurate. Although, this guy seems to be a pretty dim bulb, so who knows? But it just makes me laugh to think of this salt beef thief saying something to the effect of, "Yo, lesbian! Be cool!") According to the clerk who was not called a lesbian, "He's like 'Oh, oh, oh, I have to have these! George Bush is charging my rent double and I can't afford these and my kids have to eat.' " Of course! He needed the beef snacks to feed the Slimmer Jims! The Little Jimmies! We should have known. (Loser.)

But fortunately, the police caught up with Boston before he could make a clean and meaty getaway....on his red bicycle.

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