She Am Them

No one is in favor of DUI. Pretty much, I think it's safe to say everyone thinks it's a bad idea. That being said, I have some awesome DUI stories here. It takes a certain sort of numb nut to pull stuff like this off. Thank goodness neither of these morons hurt anyone in the midst of their drunken stupor in which they felt the need to drive. Idiots.

First, we'll go to Salem, Oregon and meet a one Calvin Hoover. According to KGW News Channel 8 over there in Portland, our friend Calvin there had called authorities to report a theft from his truck outside of the Free Loader Tavern (catchy), but by the time that a deputy showed up, Calvin and his truck were gone. But that wouldn't be the last that the authorities heard from him.

Calvin called back about an hour later and explained that he had left because he got tired of waiting (he thought that it was taking them too long). He was obviously driving when he made the second 911 call and was also obviously intoxicated. The dispatcher did have a bit of a problem trying to understand Calvin, as he had to keep pulling over. That's right. To throw up. Aim high, Cal! Aim. High.

Now, because the media is crap, the article doesn't tell us exactly how it came to be that they located ol' Calvin, but they did. He was walking, obviously plastered, down a street not too far from where he had parked his truck (probably after the last round of vomiting). He explained to the officer that approached him that he was looking for the people who had stolen from him earlier. He told them that "he was looking for the people who took his "weed.” Um...wait. What now? Your...weed?

Correct. His weed. His marijuana. Stolen. It would seem that the items that had been taken from his truck earlier included "...$400 in cash, a Carhartt jacket and 3/4 ounces of pot valued at $180". All stolen out of his truck. All reported to the police (in between hurling the contents of his stomach in reverse order out onto the pavement) as stolen. Where the hell do I begin?

What is wrong with you people who are on drugs?! I mean, aside from being on drugs! Obviously THAT is an issue. I know that drugs don't exactly enhance your cerebral functioning (no matter what Timothy Leary or Hunter S. Thompson might want you to believe), but do they make you so incredibly stupid that you think you can go to the cops when your stash gets stolen? Do you really think that the cops are going to overlook your illegal dealings because you ended up on the wrong end of the bong? I don't think they are! Honestly, how much do you have to drink to believe that your crimes no longer matter if you're somehow wronged in some way? How much? A gallon? Two? It has to be a lot because that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Calvin was arrested and charged with DUI. The geniuses over there at KGW felt the need to include that the police "...warned him he would face possession charges if he had had marijuana with him, since he didn’t have a medical marijuana card. " Were you folks not paying attention? Hello! McFly! Anybody home? His marijuana was STOLEN! That's why he called the cops! Your news media, hard at work, ladies and gentlemen. What else is there?

Well, there's this lovely lady who hails from Wisconsin that we could take a look at. From a blog which calls itself "What's Wrong With Wisconsin" (a simply awesome name) we learn about a woman, a one Mary Strey, who was driving home on what appears to have been Halloween night when she called 911 to report a drunk driver. There you go! A good citizen! Helping out her fellow Wisconsinites by alerting the authorities to the presence of an irresponsible drunk driver on the roadways. Good for you lady! Right? Not so fast.

See, the drunk driver that Mary Strey was calling to report was herself! That's right. She was the drunk driver. When the dispatcher asked her if she was behind them, she replied, "I am them." (To which the awesome dispatcher, just to clarify, asked, "You am them?" How great is that? Of course she replied, "I am them." All rightee then. Carry on!)

The dispatcher coaxed her into pulling over and putting on her flashers. She had a pretty good idea as to where she was, but didn't seem aware as to what direction she was traveling in, a point that I'm not going to fault her for. (Hey, I'm rarely aware of which direction I'm traveling in when I'm not drunk. Do I look like I'm carrying a compass around with me all the time?) She stopped, turned off her car, turned on her flashers, took off her seatbelt and waited for the cops to get there so that they could follow procedure, give her a field sobriety test and let her fail miserably. Later, it would be determined that she had a BAC of 0.17, over 2 times the legal limit of 0.08. (Both of those numbers are figures that mean absolutely nothing to anyone unless you've been stopped for DUI. No one knows how much that really is, only that it's illegal. Personally, I'd be OK if they went to a system that instead of giving us a number, they just gave us a name for the condition that the intoxicated individuals are in. Plowed, Really Plowed, Completely Smashed, Obliterated and Can't Believe He's Alive. Or something like those. I'm flexible on the actual terminology.)

I don't really know what to think about this one. Do I want people to be SO stupid that not only will they drink and drive, but they'll call 911 on themselves when they do so? I...I...I don't know that I do. Do I? Oooh!! This is a tough one! I don't know! I don't know! It almost seems as if this would be the only instance in which advocating for idiocy would come in handy, but those idiots won't be drunk and driving all the time, would they? They'd still be idiots even when they weren't drunk, right? Yeah, I'm sorry, I just can't make that trade. I'm going to have to go with wanting people to be smart enough to not drink and drive - period. The audio of Ms. Strey's 911 call is below. It is, in a word, hilarious. Enjoy.

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The DUI Trifecta is Complete

It's Thursday. Whew! What a week. But if you think you've had a busy week, well, think again. There's a woman in Ohio who has had one hell of a busy week. Think of how exhausted you'd be if you were arrested three times in six days for DUI. Wait. What?

Meet Tammy Webb. She looks about like you'd expect someone to look after they've been arrested that many times in less than a week. Behold!

Yep, that's about right. OK, so according to The Columbus Dispatch, Ms. Webb is not suspected of being drunk, but rather under the influence of drugs since "All of her blood-alcohol tests showed no alcohol in her system." OK then, that seems about right too. So how is it that someone can get arrested for DUI three times in six days? Hard to say. The Columbus Dispatch doesn't really go into a lot of detail about the first two arrests. Only that they began appropriately (and, sadly, ironically) on April 1 when she was arrested "...on a county road and was cited again the next day by Marysville police."

The third time was when she was finally put in jail with a $150,000 set. Her undoing came when she stopped at a fire station to ask for directions and there happened to be a reserve deputy sheriff there who thought that "she looked disoriented." (Well, of course she looked disoriented. She stopped to ask for directions. Geez.) That's when the reserve deputy sheriff "...called deputies, who stopped the woman and again charged her."

Now wait a minute. The reserve deputy had to call other deputies to take care of her? Was he busy or something? Why couldn't he do it? First day? I don't get it.

So she "...was hustled into Marysville Municipal Court with hopes of keeping her off the road." And I have to ask, what did they do with her the other two times that she was arrested? Is it typical practice over there to just cite someone for DUI and let them go on their way? There's no arrest? There's no bail? I don't get it, but it didn't seem to be very effective with our heroine here. Fortunately the judge, a one Michael Grigsby, thought that a good idea would be to "...suspend her driver's license and set her bond at $150,000." I'm guessing the suspending of the license was a mere formality in this instance, as not only will the $150k bond keep her in jail for a while, having or not having a license is rarely a determining factor in whether or not an intoxicated individual is actually going to drive. I appreciate the suspension, don't get me wrong, but it's all of the keeping in jail that is going to be the most effective in all of the keeping her off of the road.

According to the prosecutor, a one Victoria Stone-Moledor, who was handling Ms. Webb's case when she appeared in court on Monday, "She was confused. She did not look well." Well, I don't imagine that she would have been fresh a daisy! Three times! Six days! I expect them to look "not well"! So she's still in jail waiting for court dates. I don't know what she was appearing in court for on Monday if she still doesn't have a court date, but apparently, they do things in Ohio differently than I would imagine they do. Go figure.

It will likely come as no surprise that Ms. Stone-Moledor also indicated that "...Webb has an extensive criminal history, mostly involving prior felony convictions." No! I did not see that coming. Oh, wait a minute. Yes I did. ::::sigh:::: Ms. Stone-Moledor also described her file as being “voluminous” (which didn't sound so bad to me at first, but then I realized I was thinking of "voluptuous", which also means 'large', but in a totally different way than 'voluminous' does) and "...has not had time to read the whole thing yet" Take your time. She's not going anywhere. .

The spokesman for the Union County sheriff's office, a one Sgt. Chris Skinner said "...local officers don't recall ever arresting one person so often in such a short time." GOOD!! I'm glad that they don't! I'd hate to hear them say, "Oh, yeah, this is nothin'! We've got Drunk Daily Danny who we pick up, like clockwork, every day Thursday through Sunday!"

A similar recollection was voice by a one Sgt. Karla Taulbee, a State Highway Patrol spokeswoman. She said "...it is rare for a person to be arrested three times in six days on suspicion of driving under the influence." And again I say GOOD!! She also said that "Troopers from the same post have been known to arrest the same DUI suspect twice within a week, but....she never has heard of three arrests in less than a week." OK, that's just troubling. Not the troopers so much, but that there are actually people out there who can get not one, but two DUIs. That, in and of itself, I find disturbing. But in less than a week? Do you people not have jobs to go to? How do you pay for gas when you're spending it all on alcohol?

I am kind of wondering what she looked like the first two times that she was arrested, because she looks pretty hammered there in Mug Shot #3. Granted, that many DUIs in that many days will take a toll on anyone. I'm just curious as to the progression of her appearance over those 6 days is all. I'm also curious as to what kind of drugs, if any, will be found to have been in her system when the tests come back. (I find it amazing that we have the capability to test for alcohol right away, but drugs? Not so much.) Here's to hoping that they manage to take her vehicle away as well as her license. If not, then I think we can look forward to a day in the near future where this woman breaks her own record for the amount of times one can get arrested in less than a week.

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Driving Off On Barstool Mountain

How it is that this story took place in Ohio and not Flori-duh, I can't imagine. If there was ever a story made for Flori-duh (aside from all of the ones involving hookers, drug addicts, morons, 911 calls and fast food drive-thru windows), this one was it. But it's in Ohio, so we're just going to have to adapt. And quick, because here we go...

It seems like a basic enough story. A one 28-year old Kile Wygle has a little accident and ends up being charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license. All charges are misdemeanors and, unfortunately, happen every single day all over the place. But not quite like this. See, Kile's little accident occurred when his motor vehicle that he was driving crashed as he was attempting to make a U-turn. The motor vehicle that he happened to be driving at the time was a barstool. Wait. What?

A barstool. That is correct. Behold!

According to the smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun, Kile crashed his barstool near his home in Newark (which is presumedly in Ohio, as the story didn't say it was some sort of barstool-RV hybrid) and knocked his head on the ground. That's when one of his buddies called 911. (I'm guessing due to recently increased talk about head injuries due to a celebrity death. If you ever want to raise awareness for a strange way of dying, have a celebrity die that way and see what happens. You'd think we were due for some sort of head injury pandemic the way folks have been talking. We're a clumsy species, this is true, but we're not constantly killing ourselves because of it. So just put down the helmets and relax.) Kile wasn't wearing a helmet, but I don't know if a helmet is a required accessory when taking one's motorized barstool out for a spin. It's definitely a desired accessory if you're planning on crashing your barstool, however.

The folks over there at NBC13.com have the audio of the 911 call which I've transcribed below as it was rather short. How much is there to say, really? Kudos to the 911 operator for not asking the caller to repeat himself at any point during the call, as it's not something you hear everyday (which is probably a good thing).

Caller: "I've got a friend here who wrecked a barstool. Hit the pavement with his head."

911: "OK, But he fell just from the barstool?"

Caller: "Um, no. He was riding a barstool." (See, he knows it's going to sound odd! He's probably thinking to himself, "I can't believe this. Why couldn't he just wreck his car like all of the other drunks?")

911: "OK."

Caller: "Motorized barstool." (Good thing he clarified that for the 911 guy. Wouldn't want him to get the impression that the barstool was not motorized and his friend was just jumping up and down on it until he fell off! Yeah, because that would sound silly.)

911: "OK."

Yeah, my reaction would have been more of the chick over at Newark Police who answered the call from the 911 guy when he said, "We're sending a squad over there for a gentleman who wrecked in a motorized barstool with head lacerations. He's got alcohol on board."

Her response? "Allllllllll rrrrright!"

When police arrived and began to ask Kile questions, he "appeared" to be so intoxicated that the officers had a difficult time understanding him as he slurred out his name when asked. When asked what happened to cause his injuries, he "blurted out, "I wrecked my barstool." Then, when asked how much he had had to drink, the answer was, "A lot." (Ah, I love an honest drunk!) He also informed the officer that his barstool was capable of going 38 miles per hour, though he only had it up to 20 miles per hour when he biffed it. As for where he biffed it, he first told the officer on the pavement. Then it was in a field. Then it was down the road from his house. (None of that means that he isn't honest any more. He is quite drunk, remember? He's an honest and confused drunk. Who just happened to crash his motorized barstool...somewhere.)

In an attempt to narrow down how much Kile had to drink, the officer started by asking him if he thought he'd had 6 beers and Kile said more. (Methinks that Kile's pride in his ability to drink ungodly amounts of alcohol is not going to bode well for him in this situation.) The officer then asked him if he thought he had drank more than 12 beers and he responded, "More like fifteen." (Back to honest and not confused!) When asked when he started drinking he initially said that he didn't know, but then he changed his mind and said a couple of hours ago. (Back to honest but confused!) He also told the cop that he wasn't driving a vehicle, that he was driving a barstool. (Not confused!) He was pretty proud of this fact too, as he was laughing when he drunkenly stated his definition of a motor vehicle to the cop. And that's when the cop told him that if it had a motor on it then it "fit the definition of a motor vehicle." And the laughing stops.

Kile was taken to a hospital so they could check out his noggin. When he was released, the cop gave him the citations for DUI and driving on suspension. I'm sure it will shock you to learn that it took the cop a while to explain the charges to Kile as Kile kept interrupting and saying "I didn't do anything wrong." And I can't decide if I'm inclined to agree with him or not. (Feel free to click on the images of the police report below to enlarge them into a readable document.)

On the one hand, gimme a break. It's a barstool with a lawnmower motor attached to it. It doesn't look like more than just a really tall go-kart. We had go-karts when I was a kid. Then again, I also played with small, pointy toys that were covered in lead paint, had really sharp edges and could lodge in my throat and choke me if I ever swallowed one. The point is that even with all of the "danger" and never wearing a helmet for anything, the majority of us played around with stuff like that all the time and we turned out fine. Not great. Fine.

On the other hand, gimme a break. It's a barstool with a lawnmower motor attached to it. And Kile was rather plowed it would seem. And while 30mph isn't exactly going to qualify you for NASCAR racing or anything, when you're drunk I'd imagine that 30mph on a barstool could do some fair to moderate damage should things go horribly awry. And then again, so could a lot of things. So I'm sure he deserves some sort of a ticket (I think), but not for a freaking DUI. There. I think that's my position on this.

The guy who made Kile's motorized barstool and about eight others is Vonn "Skeeter" Watson. (Why am I not surprised that his name is "Skeeter"?) He says that he's never heard of anyone crashing one of his motorized barstools before. (Now that does surprise me!)

And a final humorous side note to this tale. In the news footage coverage (which will not allow me to embed it here) over there at NBC13.com, the reporter, seeming to think that people are too dumb to understand this whole motorized barstool crashing phenomenon on its own merit, she explains the police diagram to the viewer like this:"According to this police diagram, Kile, the stick figure, crashed his motorized barstool when he tried to turn it."

Thanks for pointing out that Kile is the "stick figure" in that diagram there because otherwise I would have been up all night wondering which one of those building he was. (Oh, sensible reporting...how I'll miss ye...)

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An Oral History of Charles Barkley

Gosh dang it, I love Charles Barkley. The guy was way fun to watch when he was playing in the NBA, but since he's retired he's been more fun to watch! Actually, I take that back. Since he's retired, he's been more fun to listen to! Man, that guy is like a factory for one-liners. Get this: He's in some sort of a fight where he ends up throwing a guy through the first floor window of a bar. He ends up in front of a judge who tells him that he's going to receive community service and a fine. Then the just asks him if he has any regrets. Sir Charles replies, "Yeah I regret we weren't on a higher floor." Most excellent! Or how about back in 1992 when the Olympic Dream Team was playing against Panama in the Tournament of the Americas and Barkley was asked what their goal was. He said, "To get the Canal back." Awesome. OK, just one more! I don't know when or where he said this one, I'm just taking the word of a one Robert Littal over there at Black Sports Online. But Barkley is said to have said the following: "I'd never buy my girl a watch... she's already got a clock over the stove." Now, as a chick, I can't condone that. But as a chick who isn't around anyone else right now, I can laugh my ass off because that is funny!

So far be it for Charles to let us down in the early morning hours of the last day of 2008 when he was pulled over and subsequently arrested for DUI in Arizona. Let's start with the mug shot, shall we? Good Lord, how much alcohol does it take to get a hulking mass sponge like Charles Barkley drunk? I'd have to assume we'd be graduating past the keg and into the barrel category. Regardless, here you go. Behold!

Now that's a man who had a good time right up until the second he was arrested, I'll tell you that right now. Sweaty, glossy eyed, and wearing a smirk that says "I hope they get my good side. What am I talking about? All my sides are good!" I would like to know more about what he's wearing. Add some wooden beads to that shirt there and he looks like he's wearing a car seat cover.

According to the police report (which will enlarge if clicked upon) that was made available by the smoking good folks at The Smoking Gun, the arresting officer saw a black Infiniti SUV going southbound roll through a stop sign going about 10 mph. As the cop pulls out to catch up to Barkley, the SUV stops just past the intersection where he ran the stop sign and a female gets into the passenger seat. (Hmmmm....you see where this is going, right?) Then the SUV starts to take off and the cop flips on his lights. Now, usually, when one gets pulled over, they do just that. They pull over. Not Barkley. No, he just stopped and blocked the only southbound lane that there was! (Well, at least he stopped.)

The cop goes up to the window and tells Barkley why he was stopped, to which Barkley acknowledges, but that's about it. When the cop asks him if he had been drinking, the honorable Sir Charles replies, "Yes, I have!" And when asked how many, he tells the cop, "A couple. I could give you a bullshit answer, but I didn't." And it's unfortunate that when it comes to drunk driving, honesty is not exactly going to win you any points. On the bright side, no one will be calling you a liar, so that's something!

The cop gives him the field sobriety tests because Charles reeks of alcohol. He fails and he gets arrested. I guess in Arizona they also draw blood for DUIs? News to me. Barkley let them take 2 vials of his blood, but told the officer that he drinks, "...but I don't do any of that other sh*t." He told the officer two more times that he did not do drugs. Once would have been plenty, Charles, but you're drunk so it's....well....it's not OK, but we understand.

But here's where it gets better. (Fair warning: There will be acts of carnality described here without censorship. If it was profanity, I'd probably use the little asterisk. But it's not and since it's not overly graphic and doesn't involve animals or anything like that, I'm just going with what it is. Just so you know.) The cop asked Barkley where he was going. Sir Charles the Honest tells him that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl that the cop saw get into the SUV. Then Barkley asked the cop to admit that the girl was hot! I don't know if the cop acknowledged the girls hotness because from there the report goes right to Barkley asking the cop, "You want the truth?" Oh, please! The truth would be mar-velous right about now! So he says, "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job." He then felt the need to explain (as if the cop wouldn't understand why a guy would want a blow job in the first place) that the girl had blown him a week earlier and he said that it "was the best one he had ever had in his life" according to the police report. Yeah, well, that may or may not be true because I dare anyone to show me one guy who ever had a blow job that he did not enjoy profusely.

While he was being processed, he told one of the cops, "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if the cop helped him get out of the DUI. Then he laughed that ass that he was going to tattoo on off and said, "I'll tattoo your name on MY ass!" Now that makes more sense! (Unless the guy was a big Charles Barkley fan, I couldn't see how tattooing Charles' name on the guy's ass would be any sort of an incentive to do anything at all!)

Shortly after this, Barkley was released. The officer who received all of this information and wrote the report also indicated that he had audio taped the conversation and that will be included in the evidence as well and I, for one, cannot wait until that is available! THAT should be good. We'll get all of the amusement of his statement WITH the added bonus of being able to hear the slurring! Excellent!

They also found a handgun in the SUV. What is it with athletes and guns?? Why do so many of them feel the need to constantly travel anywhere with a firearm either in their car or in their luggage or in their pants? Why?? And most of these famous athletes who end up in legal trouble because of their fondness for their firearms are not people who cannot afford to buy themselves some other form of protection. They don't need to be packing the heat themselves! Hire yourself some damned bodyguards, guys! Put the guns away! Besides, where do these guys think that they are and what do they think is going to happen that they will need to be armed in order to make it through alive?! It's not like they're at an away game on the Gaza Strip or anything. What's with the guns? I don't get it.

I also don't get what ever happened to the best blow job giver in the world. She just disappeared from the whole incident. I mean, she got in the SUV before he was pulled over and then....?? That's right. Nothing! Was she released? Was she arrested, er, persecuted for her trade? They really should have kept better tabs on her because I'll bet that Charles wanted to know where she was when he was released. And I can almost guarantee you that he got that blow job that he was after because you don't go looking for a little southern lovin' and end up getting arrested and then not go back to get what got you in trouble in the first place. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been worth it getting arrested. But once that's item on his agenda is all taken care of, he'll be fine with the whole thing. Actually, it's Charles Barkley. Whether he's fine with it or not, it will still be entertaining for us onlookers. Can't wait until court! Stay tuned, won't ye?

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