How Does This Even Happen?

Sometimes, I hear of a story that is just so odd that I don't know how to feel about it. On the one hand, it's probably terrible what a certain person did. On the other hand, if that person couldn't have committed their terrible act without complicit involvement from the "victims", am I still supposed to feel bad? I'm not sure. And in this case, it's so freaking weird that I'm just all confused.

Our story takes place in the quiet West Wales village of Cwmduad, near Carmarthen. Let's just call it the UK. A guy named Reginald Gill came up with a plan. Now, just because it's a "plan" doesn't mean that it should have had any chance at all of succeeding. That it did succeed is completely astounding and believe me, I will delve into that later. But according to The Daily Mail, Mr. Gill had a business that involved the peddling of homeopathic products and treatments. It was in this practice that he was also passing himself off as a doctor. And as in his capacity as a fake doctor in a store full of hokum, he came up with what I can only describe as the stupidest idea ever. Then again, it did work, so what do I know?

Here's what he did: This guy told women that they had breast cancer. Horrible, right? But then, he told them that he had a cure! Oh, yay! (Yeah, you know it's not gonna be real, right? Ok, good.) And the cure that he proposed was for him, the "doctor", to suck on their breasts for thirty minutes a day! Now, I don't know if that's thirty minutes each or thirty minutes total. I guess that it's probably just 30 minutes on the allegedly afflicted bosom. But that's not the craziest part. No, the craziest part is that at least three women agreed to this!

Listen, in the age of the Internet, why you would just automatically agree to have a seventy-seven year old dude start suckling on you like a new born calf? Actually, in the realm of consciousness, why wouldn't you, at the very least, get a second opinion? You don't think to yourself, "Hmmm. Well, that's a little unconventional. I've never heard of such a treatment. And it sounds perverse. I wonder if I should get another opinion?" That never crosses your mind? Not ONCE?! What is wrong with you?

Somehow, this gets out. I guess there was at least one woman who received a fake diagnosis and an even faker treatment plan and decided that perhaps it be best for her to alert some sort of authority to the matter. He goes to trial and is found guilty and sentenced to eight years. I don't know what the typical jail sentence is for something like this, but I'm not going to argue with eight years. And really, I'm not so sure that he should be going to jail at all. Maybe if he had played his cards better...

Wait! Just hear me out! He could have told the judge, "Look...I came up with an absolutely stupid idea. Perhaps, the stupidest idea that's ever been thought up. It shouldn't have worked on anyone ever! How is the fact that it worked my problem? This was a bad plan! It is laughable that anyone would have fallen for it! That they did, I don't see how that's my fault! Your Honor." And if he had said that, he would have been right! It takes two! How do those women, those clueless, gullible, softheaded women, how do they not share any of the blame! If you think about it, none of this could have ever happened without their help. I'm just sayin'.

And accompanying this guy to jail will be his 35-year old wife! What is her deal? She's married to a weirdo who is 42 years older than her (and not in a good way) and she goes along with this little plot?! How does that work? Does he present her with his patently stupid idea (that never should have succeeded on anyone ever) and she just says, "Let me get this straight. You want to pretend that you're a doctor and tell women that they have breast cancer when they really don't so that you can suck on their boobs when you tell them that's the cure...I'M IN!"

I'm telling ya, I'd like to talk to everyone involved in this fiasco. Just for like ten minutes each. I have several concise questions that I'm dying to ask the willing participants in this lunacy! Granted, most of them start with "WTF", but there are some variances.

Sphere: Related Content

Just Put Him Back In Jail

Look, if you've been accused of heinously sexual crimes against children and you've somehow managed to avoid getting incarcerated (despite being arrested twice), could you do everyone involved a little favor and at least try to not to stand out on your porch and leer at school children who are playing outside? Jerry Sandusky, I'm talking to you.

That's right. According to the Huffington Post, there have been "complaints that the former Penn State assistant football coach was seen outside and watching children in a schoolyard from the back porch of his home, where he remains under house arrest while awaiting trial on child molestation charges." Oh, for cryin' out loud. Does he not think that people are going to notice that? Of course they are! And really, if he can't stay off of his porch because he's too damn tempted by the children outside playing, should he still be out on bail? Strangely enough, the prosecutors seem to think so.

Yes. The prosecutors. Apparently, the office of the state attorney general has "...argued in a court filing that Sandusky's bail conditions should be revised so that he is not allowed outside except to seek medical treatment." That's it?! Can't they argue that his bail should be revoked because he's a freaking weirdo who is sexually attracted to children? Besides, I don't think that he lives in some sort of teepee or other dwelling which doesn't have freaking windows. Are they somehow going to prevent him from looking out the windows at the children? I don't see how that would be any better from him leering at them on his porch.

I don't get this. This guy just cannot stay away from small children. He needs to be in a more confined area where the chances of him seeing a small child are pretty much non-existent. Hey, wouldn't a jail cell accomplish that goal? I believe it would. I believe it would.

Sphere: Related Content

Back To Jail...Eventually

Surprise, surprise. Lindsay Lohan is going back to jail. Not only have I lost count as to how many times she's been to jail, I've also lost interest in how many times she's gone to jail. This chick has way too many problems to even make it enjoyable any more. (And can you blame her for being screwed up, what with her screwed up family and all? Of course you can. She's twenty five or something like that. Time to grow the eff up. Hmmm. It appears my sympathy has waned a wee bit.) But even after all of this time (this BS has been going on since 2007 for cryin' out loud) she still seems to get preferential treatment because she's a drugged out, semi-washed up celebrity. How is that even possible?

See, she went to court yesterday for a hearing where they were to address her not showing up for a bunch of community service and for not going to a bunch of therapy. And the judge sentenced her to a meager 30 days in jail. It's even more meager when you realize that, because of overcrowding at the jail and because she's a non-violent offender, she's going to do substantially less time than 30 days. It would appear that she could expect to do anywhere between a couple of hours up to a whopping six days. Seriously, why even bother? A couple of hours? Talk about just going through the motions. I'm kind of thinking that after almost 5 years, you make them do more than just a couple of hours.

But here's the thing: Instead of having to go to jail right away (like she did a few weeks ago before she posted $100,000 and was released) the judge gave her a break (as if she's never had one before) and said that she has a week before she has to surrender. Why? Well, because she is apparently under contract with Playboy to have her nude photo shoot (and we're talking FULL frontal here) done this week and if she doesn't do it, then she is in breach of the contract (which is supposed to be paying her a million dollars). I don't know how I feel about this, but I don't think that I like it. While I agree that, theoretically, the chick needs to make money (she's probably snorted and drank her way through most of the money that she had made up to this point), I kind of think that the legal system should come first at least once in this ordeal! Maybe if she missed out on making a million bucks for showing everyone her lady parts, maybe then she'd take this next round of reparations seriously. (Stop laughing. I said 'maybe'!)

And really, I have a hard time believing that Playboy would not reschedule with her. But even if they wouldn't, at least by breaking the terms of the contract because she was in freaking jail (for the sixth time) she might begin to realize that there actually are repercussions for being a huge jackass. I highly doubt that someone who was not a celebrity would be getting this many chances. I have no idea what this is costing LA county or the city or whatever it is to repeatedly keep going back to court to deal with this dimwit. But I'm pretty sure that if it was you or me that was in this position that we wouldn't be getting all of the breaks that Lindsay has gotten. Pretty sure.

Sphere: Related Content

Of Course That Happened!

I don't understand why some people feel the need to make stuff up to get all worked up about. There are plenty of things out there that are extremely irritating and bothersome. And they're not hard to find. It's not like you have to look for them or anything. They're right there. That's why I'm a little perplexed about the latest details coming out about the Amanda Knox ordeal/fiasco.

She still hasn't said much since she was released from an Italian prison where she spent the past four years for maybe/maybe not murdering (or at least taking some part in) her roommate. And really, what is there to say? ("Yeah, I was in jail. Yeah, it sucked. Oh, wait. You're not expecting me to tell you that I was really guilty now that they've let me go, are you? I didn't think so. So, we're right back to 'it sucked'.") And since there isn't a lot to say, the media is now taking what has been said and they are running with it as if she was in Abu Ghraib. Here's their latest over-compensation: Amanda Knox was sexually harassed in prison.

Um, OK. Harassed? That's it? In prison? Personally, I don't think that I'd be complaining if that's the worst thing that happened to me if I was in prison. (Why might I be in prison, you ponder? Come on. We all know that one day I'm going to twist off, probably when California is completely insolvent, and do something nutty. I don't know exactly what form my discourse will take, but it will likely be spectacular. And personally, I hope it involves fireworks. They're pretty. But I digress.) So...what? She had to put up with a bunch of "Hey, baby" and "Lookin' good"? In prison? I'm OK with that. No complaints here. Granted, she doesn't seem to be the one complaining. The media is falling all over itself trying to act like that was so outrageous that it happened. What's amazing is that more didn't happen to her. Seriously, have you seen her? She's kinda hot. Of course she was sexually harassed!

I'm curious as to why there is a different standard or why there was a different stance taken with Amanda Knox than there was with the three idiot hikers that got themselves arrested in Iran. In both instances, an American was jailed in a foreign land for a crime that they said that they did not commit. (Granted, Iran is run by a crazy man, but Silvio Berlusconi isn't exactly the epitome of leadership over there. He appears to be about as mobbed up (not to mention horny) as they come.) But with the idiot hikers (their new moniker), the money that needed to be forked over to pay their ransom was paid for by the United States (aka, you and me). Amanda Knox needed attorneys and legal assistance when she was imprisoned abroad, but you didn't see the country forking over the money for that. No, her family mortgaged their houses and forked over the cash that they raised. Why was it different? I don't get it.

But whatever the reason, I doubt that it will be any different the next time something like either one of the above scenarios happens again. In the meantime, I think that Amanda Knox is going to be just fine. I'm sure that she'll get over her "sexual harassment" she experienced in the Italian prison. Now if only the media could get over it just as easily, then we'd be in a lot better shape.

Sphere: Related Content

A Wife Sentence

Well, here's a match made in heaven for you. What we have here are two people who are currently incarcerated (and don't seem to be getting out any time soon) who have fallen in love and have taken the plunge and married each other. All from behind bars. For some reason that I'm not quite clear on. Meet Marissa Star Bilotti the love of her life, Iftekhar Murtaza. (You can pronounce that however you'd like.) Their whirlwind romance began in January when they were both behind bars. I should mention that they're both still behind bars and will both likely continue to be behind bars for years to come. And trust, it's not a tragedy.

According to the OC Register, these two lovebirds met when "...Bilotti sent Murtaza a letter at the suggestion of another female inmate". Of course. Because that sounds like a good way to hook a fella. Find another inmate. He will probably be more likely than a free, law-abiding man to understand how she came to be in her predicament. What is her predicament you ask? Let's see...oh, here it is! She is charged with "...first-degree murder, burglary, and robbery." See, she allegedly helped her boyfriend kill some guy in 2010. She allegedly "...concealed a folded knife in her vagina while waiting in a getaway car." Sure. That's real normal. I'm sure she's a peach.

But what about him, you ask? Again, an upstanding citizen. This gentleman is charged with "...abducting the father and sister of his ex-girlfriend, beating them to death, and then setting their bodies on fire in an Irvine park in May 2007." Now, now. Let's not judge right away. Maybe there wasn't any kindling available. And besides, what if it's a misunderstanding? She doesn't want to take the chance of not marrying this prince based on a simple misunderstanding, does she? Apparently not.

"They got to know each other through a furious exchange of letters, sometimes six a day." See, I don't get that. Six a day? I understand that they don't have much else to do in there, but why not just shove the rest of the letter in the same envelope? It's certainly not very thrifty the way that they're going about it. I hope they take a look at that as they begin their life as a lawfully wedded couple. An efficient running household is really something to strive for.

From what I can tell from reading the article, there was an awful lot of red tape that had to be gone through in order to make it so that these two felons could be joined in felonious matrimony. Why this was even an option is beyond me. I certainly hope that it didn't cost the taxpayers any money. It's bad enough that the public is already likely paying for these scumbags lawyers. (Oh. Sorry. Alleged scumbags.) Why should anyone give a fat rat's ass if these guys get married or not? They're in freaking jail! For killing people! How is their being able to get married any sort of a priority for anyone?! Keep your eye on the ball people! For cryin' out loud.

Sphere: Related Content

Intestinal Fortitude

The other day we learned about a woman in Scranton, PA who was arrested with something like 51 packages of heroin, 30-some odd drug baggies, 8-1/2 prescription pills and fifty-two dollars and twenty two cents, all conveniently packaged within the warmth and comfort of her own vagina. Well, if she's looking for a date or something, I think I have found the perfect person to hook her up with.

Meet Neil Lansing. Mr. Lansing resides in Sarasota County, Florida. According to the blog Jonathan Turley (Mr. Turley is a "...nationally recognized legal scholar who has written extensively in areas ranging from constitutional law to legal theory to tort law." I find his blog to be very interesting.), when Mr. Lansing was being booked into jail, a "virtual Cornucopia" turned up during the cavity search. In case you're unfamiliar with a cavity search, let me just say that those doing the searching were not dentists. I'll let you noodle the rest of that through.

Inside of his rectum (for those of you still noodling, you can probably stop now, as I'm sure you can figure out which cavity we are referring to here) they found some contraband. Let me take this opportunity to mention that I am really glad that my career path has taken me in directions so that I will never have to be in the position of discovering items that someone has shoved up their bodily cavities that are supposed to be "Out Only". But I digress. They found the following items:

17 Oxycodone pills

1 cigarette (Really? Up...there? You can't tell me that thing was still in tact after all of the...inserting and...removing. Cigarettes are kind of fragile. They're certainly not meant for deep drilling purposes.)


6 matches (It doesn't specify what kind of matches. I'm hoping that they were waterproof.)

1 flint (A flint?!?! Was he expecting to be participating in some sort of Boy Scout Jamboree? Having a flint up your ass is probably the epitome of the slogan "Be prepared".)

1 empty syringe with eraser over needle (Of course. An eraser. For protection. Safety first! What, pray tell, what he planning on injecting with said syringe? Never mind. I don't want to know.)

1 lip balm container (It doesn't say if there was any lip balm actually in the container. I could see not wanting chapped lips, but considering where the balm would be coming from, I think I'd tough it out.)

1 condom (Again, safety first! I certainly hope that he was planning on removing all of his supplies before he would be taking one for the team. I'm guessing that there's not much room in there for anything else, let alone Bubba's penis.)

1 CVS receipt (For tax purposes. Sure. That makes sense. It's either that or he was planning on returning something. Please, sir. For the love of all that is good and has not been up your rear end, please don't try to return any of that. )

And finally, one...coupon? (What the what? OK, I understand being frugal and thrifty, but in jail? What's he planning to save a dollar on? Is that where he normally keeps his coupons? What's that like when he goes to check out? "Just a minute. I have a coupon for that. Where is it?...Let's see...I know I brought it with me...Oh! That's right! I have inserted it into my rectum!"

Mr. Lansing was subsequently charged with being a dumbass. OK, that wasn't the official charge, but do you have a better name for it?

Sphere: Related Content

A Festivus For Anyone

I'm not really a proponent of giving inmates behind bars a bunch of privileges. I'm more in favor of hard labor. Chain gangs, to be precise. I think we could get a lot of stuff done with inmate labor. If nothing else, I'm at least in favor of having them crush up big rocks into little rocks, complete with that big heavy ball chained to one leg. It'd give a nice old-timey feel to incarceration! So, given my outlook on the coddling of inmates, you can imagine that I built up a full head of steam after reading that one inmate managed to get special meals because of his religious beliefs. And before you go off telling me that they're allowed special diets for religious reasons, let me tell you that his "religious belief" was Festivus. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to my local San Jose Mercury News, a one Malcolm Alarmo King (Alarmo? Really? Is he supposed to be some sort of superhero?), currently behind bars at the Theo Lacy Jail down there in Orange County, was not a big fan of salami. (I'm merely guessing that the meals were heavy on the salami, as that's the only basis that the article gives for what transpired next.) He had originally "...asked for kosher meals at the Theo Lacy jail to maintain his healthy physique." Yep. One must be in tip-top shape to prepare for all of the drug dealing that they do when they're not behind bars, don't you know?

But, alas! His kosher meals were not to be, for simply wanting to be healthy, as "...sheriff's officials reserve kosher meals for inmates with a religious need." Now, apparently, this sort of thing has to be OK'ed be a judge. The judge that was apparently involved in this instance was a one Judge Derek G. Johnson and he "...demanded a religious reason for King to receive the meals and defense attorney Fred Thiagarajah cited his client's devotion to Festivus". Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Just in case you were living under a rock during most of the 1990s, allow me to explain Festivus to you. It derives from the TV show "Seinfeld". According to Wikipedia, it was a holiday that Frank Costanza invented "...as an alternative holiday in response to the commercialization of Christmas." Sure. That seems reasonable.

Festivus doesn't have a tree. Instead, there is simply an unadorned aluminum pole (Frank found tinsel to be distracting). According to Frank, the aluminum provides a "Very high strength-to-weight ratio", an important factor to consider when choosing any holiday centerpiece. Some Festivus traditions include "Airing of Grievances," where one lashes out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year, and the "Feats of Strength" where "...the head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match." My point with all of this being is that it sounds absolutely ridiculous. It also sounds just like something that would have been made up by someone.

Unfortunately, the judge didn't seem to see it that way. Nope. He saw celebrating Festivus as a perfectly legitimate claim and granted the inmates request. This went on for two months before "...the sheriff's food services staff, who interviews those needing special diets, realized Festivus sounded phony." Good Lord. It took the food services staff to figure this farce out?! I'm not trying to belittle anyone with this next question, but what is their highest level of achieved education as compared to that of the freaking judge who gave this thing the green light?!

What was that judge thinking? Even if he hadn't heard of the Seinfeld episode, wouldn't you think that if he heard "Festivus" that he might ask something to the effect of "What the hell are you talking about?" Apparently not. And that's why an inmate got kosher meals for two months that the taxpayers footed the bill for. Now...where do I air my grievances?

Sphere: Related Content

Non-Torturous Jailhouse Movies

If you're in jail, it's not supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be enjoyable. You're not supposed to be having a good time. So if you're not thrilled with the television programming that your particular place of incarceration is providing you with, please do not write letters to your local news source and complain. James Poulin, I'm talking to you.

According to something called TCPalm, Mr. Poulin, who has spent the last "...four years awaiting trial for driving-under-the-influence manslaughter", wrote to something called Florida Today complaining of "torture". Now, normally, claims of torture would be taken quite seriously. But when you realize that Mr. Poulin's definition of "torture" is that at the Brevard County Detention Center, where he is currently a resident, the "...inmates are forced to watch the same movies over and over and it is taking a toll." Wait a minute. Movies? What the...?

Correct. According to Mr. Poulin, the Sheriff of Brevard County, a one Jack Parker "...gathered up a bunch of old (movies) he had laying around and played them over and over for the next year," Poulin wrote to Florida Today. "I have seen 'Black Hawk Down,' 'Pearl Harbor,' 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'Battle Front' hundreds of times each, sometimes two or three times a day. . . " Um...OK. Hmm. Anything else?

Of course there's something else! He's an inmate who is bitching about what is on TV! You think it's going to stop there without some sort of ridiculous comparison to something that doesn't even make sense? Of course not! He includes "Like the old Chinese water torture, the inescapable sounds of these movies over and over works on nerves and psyche." Hey, could someone actually perform the old Chinese water torture on this guy and see how he likes his movies then? Or better yet, just waterboard the moron. I'm sure that he'll want to watch nothing but 'Saving Private Ryan' all day, every day in lieu of being waterboarded.

In case you were wondering, Mr. Poulin has been in jail since 2007 "...for allegedly driving and crashing his car while intoxicated, an accident that killed his female passenger." What's the hold up? Well, from what I can tell, he is the hold up. "There have been 14 motions for continuances in his case and six federal lawsuits against the jail, all of which have been dismissed." OK. I've got it now. As if it wasn't clear before, now I'm relatively sure that this guy, aside from being a cretin, is just a pain in the ass. And the same sentiments go for his lawyer, a one Assistant Public Defender Randy Moore. Mr. Moore said that "...the continuances are a strategy." I see. I'm guessing that Mr. Moore and Mr. Poulin get along just swell together. What a scumbag.

You know, having to watch the movies that he's "subjected" to over and over doesn't seem that bad. It's not like they were being subjected to anything with Jennifer Aniston in it or something like that

Sphere: Related Content

I Forgot They Were There, Officer

You know it's a bad day when you're booked into jail. And sure, we can all think of ways that the day that one is booked into jail can get worse. For instance, you could end up being paired with an extremely randy cellmate. Hmm. Really, that's probably about as bad as it could get for most people. But if you're a one Elizabeth Athenia Progris, who was booked into the Martin County jail somewhere in Florida (of course), it got worse in a rather unique fashion when, according to the TC Palm, "...a bag of generic Xanax tumbled "from her genital area." Oh, my.

Apparently, the 22-year-old was booked in and showered on August 13. Her occupation was apparently listed as being "dancer/housewife". How very versatile of her. Anyway, before she was all booked in, the detectives at the jail asked her if she had anything illegal on her person or in her possession. She, naturally, said that she did not. The detectives informed her that if she did, she could be charged. No problem. She still said that she didn't have anything.

I'm kind of wondering if she would have been charged if she had confessed to having anything illegal on her at this point. I guess if she would have been charged anyway, she might as well try to see if she can get it into the jail. And she absolutely did. When she was "...drying off when a deputy noticed a clear bag drop "from her genital area to the floor by her feet." Whoops! Where did that come from?!

Yep. You guessed it and I'm not going to repeat it. Because this chick couldn't do without her generic Xanax, she now "...faces felony charges of possession of a controlled substance and introduction of contraband". Really? Hoo-ha Xanax is a felony? I knew that it was untoward, but felonious?

But the best part of this article is where is tells us: "The affidavit didn't specify whether Progris simply forgot the pills were in her genital area, or how they got there." Wait. Are you serious?! It didn't specify if she forgot they were there?! Do you think that just might be because NO ONE could forget if they had a baggie full of narcotics shoved into the insides of their nether regions?! I'm guessing that's why it wasn't specified. Does the affidavit need to specify how they got there? Can't we all just put two and two together and get a uterine cavity full of contraband? Good Lord, people.

Oh, and by the way? Yep, this chick looks just like you would think that she does. Behold!

Told you so.

Sphere: Related Content