Sunday, September 30, 2012

Not So New Bagel Head Craze

So, for some reason, I keep reading various reports about this "new" craze that's going on over yonder in wacky, wacky Japan.  It's in the Huffington Post where they call it the "latest beauty craze".  It's over at Fox News where they claim that the "fad" is "in vogue" right now. And the New York Daily News calls it a "new body art fad". See the similarities?  New, new, and more new!  Here's the problem:  It's anything but new.  In fact, someone might have wrote all about this over three years ago.  That's right.  Someone.  Who could that possibly be?  OH, that's right.  It was me.  I wrote about this nonsense three freaking years ago in a blog post to be found here.  Why is it just now being reported as "new"?  I have no idea.  The media sucks, maybe?  But if you'd like to read a three-year old report on a three-year old craze in Japan, have at it.  Behold! 

There's a reason for my metaphoric walled off compound. It keeps the idiots away. Granted, it also tends to make it difficult to weed out the sane folks (because my theory is "assume they're all crazy right from the start and let them prove you wrong later"), but the truly sane will eventually rise to the level of my putting down the drawbridge that enables them to cross the moat. I realize it might sound a bit extreme and all, but my rationale is completely reasonable: People are morons. And they're getting more moronic by the minute. At least once a day I think "What in the hell is wrong with you people?" about something. Usually Congress, but regular (or not so much) folk as well.
I uttered those very words today when I read about a new fad that's HUGE in Japan right now. Brace yourselves (and pray that it doesn't start showing up here) for the invasion of the Bagelheads. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That would be the latest 'craze' over yonder in Japan. Please note that the word "crazy" is derived from the word "craze". Or maybe it's the other way around. Whichever it is, it means the same thing if you're participating in all of the Bagelheading. It means you're nuts.

This little craze is explained over at Bizarre Magazine, and I cannot think of a more appropriate outlet to cover this story. The technique is called "body inflation". Now, I thought that was something that just happened to folks during the holidays, but sadly, in Japan, it is not. "Body inflation" involves injecting saline underneath the skin until it swells into a large protrusion that resembles a bagel. Somehow, by pressing on the "inflation" you can manage to form an indentation that will stay there. (Why it doesn't just inflate right out again is beyond me. And really, this whole thing was so completely disgusting to me that I had difficulty reading about it so I could figure out what the hell was going on. Needless to say that I won't be embarking on any long and extended fact finding missions anytime soon.) And after it's properly indented then you will have achieved your desired look - that of someone with a bagel growing inside of them. Behold!

Why a bagel? Why not toast or a muffin? Just wondering. It wouldn't matter if it were to look like a piece of toast or a muffin because just looking at that makes me want to chunder. That's absolutely disgusting. Oh, but it doesn't stop there! No, it gets worse! Behold! Worse!

Seriously, this is not the doing of a completely sane individual. You have to have a touch of mental illness of some sort to do something like that. And while not all mental illness is horrifyingly bad, I certainly can't say that this is good. Look at it! Behold!

Ugh. According to a one Ryoichi ‘Keroppy’ Maeda who has been covering the "body modification scene" since 1992, the reasons that people have for doing this are because "...saline infusion is a gradual process and you become a freak progressively. That’s the joy of it. You can enjoy watching it by having a few drinks and gradually seeing a transformation, but if you’re looking all the time, you can’t see the difference. If you meander off and come back, it’s a real surprise.” Yeah, it's going to take more than "a few drinks" for me to do something like that. And as far as the "real surprise", YES! I would imagine it WOULD be a bit of a "surprise" to see a bagel growing out of one's FOREHEAD, when just a few hours ago NO bagels were there! He insists that "It’s not dangerous, though. It’s just water – there are no scars. It’s a dull pain and sometimes you might get a headache, but it doesn’t last forever." Dull pain. Headache. Sounds like great fun! Usually I wait until the next day when my hangover sets in before I go for the dull pain and a headache, but not these folks. AND they're paying for it!

But even though it isn't dangerous "...some people who’ve done it regularly have found their skin has permanently expanded." You think?!?! Shocking. Blowing up your body parts to have it appear as if the Keebler elves have abandoned their hollow tree and have taken up residence in your noggin and began cranking out their snacks when something got stuck somewhere and you ended up looking like a freak of nature. Behold!

It's just not normal. I don't care how not "dangerous" it is. But people continue to do them because, according to founder Shannon Larratt "It’s a play activity, and not a permanent body modification – though doing it regularly on your testicles can permanently stretch the scrotum."
::: blink ::: ::: blink :::

I'm not even going to ASK how he knows that. I'm just going to let it go. Lettin' it go!

Back to the safety issues, he added, "It’s safe if the person follows basic sterility control and cleanliness issues – but if they don’t, it can be dangerous. An infection trapped inside the scrotum can be life-threatening." I SAID LETTING GO!! I'm trying to let go, but once again, there's the scrotum popping up and making a mess out of everything. (Damn scrotum. I don't know how you guys walk around with those things down there.) But I would imagine that ANYTHING that is "trapped" inside of a "scrotum" would pose a challenge. Look, the male reproductive organ isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing or anything, so I can only imagine it looks like something straight out of an alien horror movie if it has testicles that look like bagels. (Yeah, that'll get you laid, fellas. You betcha.)

As if this wasn't bizarre enough, you can customize your head bagel! There are colors! Thank GOD I don't have any pictures of the colored Bagelheads. Mr. Larratt there says that "An interesting variation is using food colouring in the saline, which discolours the inflated tissue." Lovely. Discolored tissue. Yes, it's all coming back to me now. Didn't gangrene discolor the tissue as well? Funny though, I don't remember it being so much of a "craze", really.

You know what Japan is? They're the Florida of Earth. After all, they're the same folks who gave us Hello Kitty. And now? This. The Bagelheads. I think I've made myself clear.

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Rachel Gets The Apple Phone Five

I've always wondered what it is that drives people to wait outside the Apple store before the launch of a new phone. OK, I understood it when the very first iPhone came out. That was something, I suppose. But come on. We're on the 5. AND there's the Internet that you can order it on AND have it delivered the SAME day that those dolts who are in line for days on end will receive theirs.  So why are they in line?  Well, meet Rachel.  Rachel is pure gold.  That's what Rachel is.  Rachel, doesn't seem to have any idea why she's waiting in line, other than she saw people waiting in line and decided to join in once she realized that it was for the "Apple Phone 5".  She thinks that the Internet is full of scams, that's why she chose the line over online ordering.  The thing that she really likes the most about Apple Phone 5?  It has an apple on it.  That's pretty cool, right?  And she heard that it was only $200, so that really has her excited.  And don't worry.  If it's more than $200, she has her credit card with her, so all will be good!  Look, I'm trying to paint the best picture that I can of this chick, but you really need to hear it from her.  The video is below.  Oh, and please don't overlook the fact that she's sitting in what appears to be some sort of leather recliner or something.  It's not a camping chair like you usually see.  No, she's sitting in something (with the world's largest purse, might I add) that looks like it belongs in my grandpa's living room. 

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Saturday, September 29, 2012

This Is The Same, But A Little Better

I know that I briefly touched on this the other day, but Jon Stewart managed to better articulate my feelings about the ridiculous kids who are protesting school lunches. He probably wasn't as tired as I was when I was trying to rant. Either that or he has a boatload of staffers who can come up with this stuff for him and make him look all great and stuff. I have no staffers. And I get tired. So I guess that Jon Stewart is always going to win this one. But I do have better hair than he does. Probably.

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Friday, September 28, 2012

Many Other Ways To Get Drunk

Apparently, there's a new trend that has been hitting college campuses.  Well, at least one college campus.  But one is enough, really.  Look, this goes out to all young college students out there.  If you're thinking about getting drunk, just go ahead and do it the regular way.  If at any time getting drunk involves you shoving a hose up your butt and having your friends pour alcohol in said aforementioned hose, please shy away from that sort of activity.  It's not necessary to give yourself an alcohol enema if you want to catch a little buzz.  I swear.  

According to CNN a fraternity in Tennessee has been suspended after it was discovered that the way that a student ended up with a 0.40 blood alcohol content was when "...members of the fraternity were using rubber tubing inserted into their rectums as a conduit for alcohol as the abundance of capillaries and blood vessels present greatly heightens the level and speed of the alcohol entering the bloodstream as it bypasses the filtering by the liver."  So they were basically doing a beer bong in their ass.  Brilliant.  And not normal. 

As I've previously mentioned, there are plenty of ways to get really drunk, really fast.  All of them that I may or may not have participated in when I was in college involved just the drinking  of the alcohol.  No one shoved anything up anyone's ass.  No one's butt had alcohol poured into it.  No, the alcohol was just consumed the old fashioned way via putting the liquid in the mouth of the individual who was desirous of a nice alcohol stupor.  It was a little repetitive, lifting the can or glass to one's mouth over and over, but it got the job done.  The most important part?  Nothing in the butt. 

Seriously, there are lots of great ways to get drunk.  I mean, Jello shots are just fun as can be. (Just stick with all the same color.  Otherwise, later on when you're puking them out, it's like someone is exorcising a clown from your stomach.)  Anything that doesn't involve anal insertion of any sort will work.  That's just not necessary.  Nor sophisticated.  It's "out only" down there.  And don't you forget it!

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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Long Week

It's been a long week.  I know it's only Thursday, but my favorite radio morning show guys were suspended for two days for stupid (I mean stupid) reasons and so things just aren't the same.  I'm all out of whack.  They're supposed to be there to entertain me throughout my morning.  And they're just not.  They'll be back today, but it's been a hell of a couple of days without them.  So since I'm all discombobulated and verklempt, I don't have much for today.  But I did find this cutesy little video of a chick stringing together a bunch of "non-lyrics" from a bunch of songs and making a delightful little melody out of it.  I found it interesting.  And besides, it was between this or a piece about how Chinese beauty pageants now require that contestants have their nipples spaced at least 20 centimeters apart. And don't even get me started on the part where it also says that the distance that is between candidates' pupils needs to be 46 percent of the distance between their pupil and their ear. For reals. See why I went with the quirky little singer chick?  I thought so. 

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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Feed Yourself

So there was this story over at " STYLE="text-decoration: none">The Blaze about this video that some high school students made to protest how "hungry" they were at school because school lunches just weren't filling them up. Now, I could go into detail about what the article says and what their main complaints are, but I think that I've summed it up quite nicely already. There's not much more to it than that. And that's why I can't help but feel like I'm missing something.

OK, so school lunches aren't enough to fill them up. The article even quotes one kids as saying that he grabbed a lunch from the school cafeteria consisting of two slices of pizza, grapes and milk and then he went to McDonald's because that wasn't enough. OK, that's fine and it brings me to my question. If the school lunches aren't enough, why in the world aren't these kids bringing their lunch from home? When did it become the government's responsibility to feed children? I thought that was the responsibility of the parents. What is the problem here?

Yes, I realize that there are people out there that need assistance with their purchasing of food. That's what we have food stamps for. I don't have a problem with that. But it seems to me that if you're being given government money to feed your family, that you should be able to feed your family. But that aside, I still don't understand why if the school lunches aren't enough, why they don't just bring their own and stop whining about it? Not as fun, perhaps? I guess it is hard to make a catchy video with the theme of "We're going to be responsible for ourselves and not complain when we're not taken care of by the government to our own liking."

I really don't get this, but I've included the video below anyway. I'm happy to listen to reasons why this should be an issue, by the way. I really just don't get it.

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Monday, September 24, 2012

Height Isn't A Plus Size

Well, Ralph Lauren is patting itself on the back for hiring their first "plus size" model.  Robyn Lawley is the name of the "plus size" woman who Ralph Lauren has chosen to represent them.  What's that?  Why is "plus size" in quotes?  It's almost as if I don't really mean it, huh?  Yeah, that's because I don't.  See, Lawley is 6-feet 2-inches tall and a (wait for it) size twelve.  Six-two and size twelve?!  In what universe is that a "plus size"?  Her height is more than that of the average female, I'll give them that.  But I don't think that they usually call tall women "plus size".  No, they just call them tall.  Let's take a look at this "plus size" model, shall we?  Here she is all be-scarfed and wearing a pair of riding boots.  You know, in order to appeal to that plug-size woman who is on the go on her horse.  Behold! 
She's a lovely gal.  Very poised.  Very attractive.  Smartly dressed (right down to the leather pair of OJ gloves that she's wearing).  She's lots of things.  But you know what she's not?  Plus size, that is correct!  Let's look at another outfitting of this behemoth.  Here she is without that bulky sweat that she's wearing above.  This should give us a better idea of how she looks when she isn't all padded up with extra layers.  Behold! 

Yeah, I'm still not seeing it.  In what universe is she considered to be a "plus size"?  Wait.  Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong.  Maybe it's the clothes that she's wearing which are SO flattering that it makes her big ol' plus sized body seem, well, regular if not downright svelte.  I'm going to need a shot of her without so many clothes. about one with her just wearing some lingerie and sitting on an ottoman (which, I'm led to believe, might crumble beneath her burly frame)?  Oh, here's one! 

Ok, that settles it.  Ralph Lauren is completely confused as to what the term "plus size" refers to.  They're clearly only applying it to her height and as far as I know, that's not how these things work.  Calling her plus size is clearly a joke.  She's a lot of things and while all of them are attractive, not one of them is plus size.  If everyone out there who was plus size looked like her, Michelle Obama would wet herself at the fabulous shape our fine (but fat) nation has gotten itself into.  But that's not what the plus sized of America are looking like these days.  Have you seen Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?  Now there's some plus size (and then some) for you.

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This is from a local-ish newspaper around here.  I feel safer already knowing there has been an arrest.  

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Sunday, September 23, 2012

Born This Weight

So, Lady Gaga has a huge ass these days.  She said that she's gained around 25 pounds.  That seems about right.  And every single one of those pounds has gone straight to her ass.  Here's a comparison for you.  Here she was with a non-ass: 
Looks pretty good.  (Yes, I know the side boob is distracting.  But it was surprisingly difficult to find pictures of Lady Gaga NOT in some sort of weird getup and/or meat suit that showed her lower half.  This was the best I could do. Try and focus, though.  Think of the boob as a bonus! )  And here is the new and enlarged Lady Gaga with an ass the size of Kansas.  Behold! 
Holy cow.  It's like that's the only part of her body that store excess cells!  It's enormous!  And, as you can imagine, the entire world AND the Internet has noticed and has been commenting.  How did Gaga respond to all of this new-found criticism (that isn't likely to sell her more albums like the publicity which masquerades as criticism does)?  She took to the Twitter, of course, and churned out some faux Marilyn Monroe quote.  (Since when did Marilyn Monroe become Confucius?)  First, she went with this tweet: 
And then followed it up with this crap (that Marilyn Monroe did not say, by the way): 
(Before, I go on, I would like to point out that quotes like these, for some reason, seem to really appeal to people who are like hundreds of pounds overweight and use it to justify their current state of obesity.  I don't know why that is, but that's just what happens.  It's annoying.  And again, Marilyn Monroe did not say this.)  See, this is the problem that can occur when you make your living being mostly naked all of the time.  People know what you look like.  They know exactly what you look like.  And they're going to comment when your ass suddenly becomes worthy of its own zip code.  And really, if you're going to make your living by being scantily clothed and by having your act mainly consist of "Look how hot I am", then it's perfectly all right (in my never to be humble opinion) for people to comment on that just the same way that they commented on you before.  The only difference is that you liked the comments before.  Now that you don't like them, they're suddenly not OK.

Here's a thought:  Try putting on some clothes and not flaunting your body every chance you get.  That way, when you do (inevitably) put on a little weight, people won't be so quick to jump all over you.  (And really, looking like she does currently, having anyone jump on her at all isn't likely to happen any time soon.)  They might not even notice.  (OK, granted, in this case that's hard to imagine.  But it could happen in other instances.  Perhaps.)  But to get your shorts all in a wad because people are still focusing on your body (just the way that you wanted them to when you were hot) when you're a little larger is incredibly hypocritical.  And clueless. 

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Saturday, September 22, 2012

Yes Or No

This is the kind of coverage that we're getting for the presidential election.  Grand.  No wonder so many people are just morons.  I'm not sure what depresses me more.  The fact that the question doesn't even make any sense or the fact that 66 people went ahead and answered it anyway!  I think that it's all of the answering that went on.  The public is stupid.  Those 66 people are the poster children for that stupidity.  Doomed.  We're just doomed. 

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Friday, September 21, 2012

Separated At Birth

They've hired Nicki Minaj as one of the new judges for American Idol.  I'm not overly familiar with her act, but when I saw her, she immediately reminded me of someone.  See, Nicki Minaj here....: 

 ...well, see, she kinda of looks like Spongebob here: 
Actually, this chick looks like a lot of different folks.  And most of them are not good.  For example.  She also bears a striking resemblance to this creature from Dark Crystal: 

And then there's the similarities between Nicki Minaj and Janice from The Muppet Show: 
And I wouldn't be fulfilling my blogging duties if I didn't include Mrs. Potato Head:  <br>

See?  None of it is good.  I have no idea what this chick looks like when she's not trying to be some sort of unflattering caricature.  Maybe we'll get to see her looking somewhat human when American Idol starts up again.  If not, I'm just going to assume that she's from another planet until proven otherwise. 


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Thursday, September 20, 2012

Your Little Tie And Your Little Shoes

Holy cats.  I think I know why Lindsay Lohan is such a train wreck.  Have you ever seen her mother give an interview?  Yeah, that kind of explains a lot.  An AWFUL lot.  Wow, what a disaster she was on Dr. Phil.  Now, don't get me wrong, I think that Dr. Phil is an abhorrent human being who takes advantage of those who are, um, not quite right at the moment.  But don't let that take away from the obvious fact that Dina Lohan was some kinda wasted on his show the other day.  I don't know if she was drunk or pilled up or what her deal was, but she wasn't in her right mind at all.  And this is the woman who, along with her nutso and equally dysfunctional ex-husband, attempted to raise Lindsay Lohan.  And you see how that turned out.  She's a disaster.  And here's Mama Disaster showing us just what she's made of. 

Naturally, she has come out and said that she was just nervous and of course that she wasn't drunk.  Right.  Because when regular people are not highly intoxicated due to some sort of substance, they always make no sense what so ever and break into tears over absolutely nothing, all the while mocking the chrome-domed host of the daytime talk show.  All the time.  Yeah.  Right.  

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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Arrrr, Matey!

Arrrrr, matey! That's correct. The day you've been waiting for (or are just learning about) is finally here. It has finally bestowed itself upon us! Today, September 19, as it is every September 19 (and has been since 1995) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrr. Avast! Arrrgh again!

Now, I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "WTF is Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arrgh?" That's pretty much the initial reaction from most people, from what I can tell. Here's the scoop: Back in 1995 a couple of regular guy guys, John Baur and Mark Summers, just started talking pirate talk whilst playing racquetball one day. (No, they're not gay lovers. And never were. Or will be.) After noticing how the pirate talk made the game go by faster while at the same time making it all the more entertaining, the boys decided that there should be an entire day where everyone just speaks like a pirate. (Guys are very into formalizing crazy ideas they come up with. It seems as if that strategy makes their ideas all the more valid. Thus, if there is a specific day for something, well, you have to do it. It's what the day is for, right? Right.)
For reasons that even they don't get, they settled on September 19 because that is the day of Mark's ex-wife's birthday and he felt that was a day he could recall easily. Go figure. And so Talk Like A Pirate Day was kind of born. I say "kind of" because for about 6 years after that, the guys pretty much celebrated it on their own. Just two guys, talking crazy pirate talk together, with or without a racquetball. It wasn't until 2002 when they managed to get hold of Dave Barry's email address and write to him about their day. Their idea was that he would be their national spokesman for TLAPD. And Dave Barry, being Dave Barry and all, thought it was a fabulous idea (even though he used the term "very excellent"). Next thing they know, Dave Barry writes a column about TLAPD which appears in the Miami Herald and an obscure, but fun as hell, quasi-holiday was born.
TLAPD is celebrated in several, yes several different countries and continents including Antarctica (don't ask. I didn't. Frozen pirates. Brrr!). And just in case you're not up on all of your pirate-ese, the Pirate Guys (as they are now known), John (also known as Ol' Chumbucket") and Mark (also known as "Cap'n Slappy"), have a website where they give you tips, answer questions, have pirate vocabulary (in English AND in German!) and have way, way, way more information on this thing that I ever thought there could be. (It's speakin' like a freakin' pirate, for cryin' out loud and...and...shiver me timbers or something like that! How much could there be? A lot, matey. A freaking lot.)
Here's what I've learned:
  • Lots of pirate words start with the letter "A". Avast! Ahoy! Aye! Aye aye! And my personal favorite, Arrrr!! No word on why that is, matey.
  • These guys had way too much time on their hands. I have never seen anything so inclusive as their website in my life. Everything you could have ever wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. Everything you never wanted to know about speaking like a pirate is there. It's incredible. These guys are some thorough, thorough pirates. Aarrrr!
  • There are several hundred pictures of several hundred different individuals, in various forms of dress and costume, who are celebrating TLAPD in the years past. And while it is TALK Like A Pirate Day, many of the folk seem to think that also means that it is DRESS Like A Pirate Day. Thankfully, you do not have to dress like a pirate to participate in these festivities. But you might find yourself wanting to.

  • People really, really, really get into the whole pirate-speak thing on this day. I mean they really get into it. So much in fact that it makes me glad this thing is only once a year. Otherwise I'd fear that there would be a rush of people chopping off one leg at the knee and hopping around on their good leg and a Louisville Slugger with a parrot on their shoulder. That would be bad. And frightening.

  • Using the Pirate Name Generator to get your very own pirate name is quite fun. Somehow, I ended up being Mad Ned the Executioner. And you don't have to stop at just names for pirates. You can use the Pirate Ship Name Generator and get a name for your pirate ship. I ended up with the Horrid Buccaneer.

  • And speaking of buccaneers (or just using any excuse I can to throw in this joke from the Pirate Guys), "A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

The guys even realized that pirates must need a little bit of lovin' (or booty, as a pirate might say. Arrr!) and on their website they provide the Top Ten Pirate Pick Up Lines. You know, just in case the scurvy hasn't set in yet from those months at sea, surrounded by your mates and wenches. Those wenches can look mighty good when you're delirious and your internal organs are starting to shrivel up due to a lack of fresh water. So if you find yourself in that very situation and are at a loss for words, you can always fall back on their list:
  • 10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  • 9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  • 8. Come on up and see me urchins.
  • 7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  • 6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  • 5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
  • 4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  • 3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
  • 2. Well blow me down?
  • And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …
  • 1. Prepare to be boarded.
And just because they're pirates (sort of), that doesn't mean that they discriminate. Oh, no. No, no! Arrr! Far from it! Aye! They have the Top Ten Pick Up Lines for the Lady Pirates as well.

  • 10. What are YOU doing here?
  • 9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)
  • 8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!
  • 7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"
  • 6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!
  • 5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"
  • 4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!
  • 3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!
  • ...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:
  • 1. You. Pants Off. Now!
Yeah, I'll definitely be giving some of these a shot. It can't hurt. And even if it did, well, that might be good in this case. Arrr!
Now, look, I'll be the first to admit, I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of when I first got wind of it. Arrr! But I have to tell grows on you. Quickly. And it is fun as hell! Arrr! Give it a shot. You'll be amazed at how quickly it catches on with co-workers after they're assured that it's a real thing and that at that very moment, people all over the world are speaking pirate and they should too! And they will. (Just make it clear that it's OK, and they'll do it. Trust me. Those co-workers of yours? Gullible as veal calves.) You'll thoroughly enjoy yourself, I promise. Arrr!
Now avast, ye land lubber! (Or something like that.) Go smartly back to thy cubicle with the rest of the bilge rats and sneak yourself a swill of grog. And then hurry up and get those pants off! Talk Like A Pirate Day only lasts for twenty four hours! And I can't think of a better way to spend it than swilling a little grog me self with another pantless pirate. Arrr!

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Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A Topless Princess

In case you haven't heard, Kate Middleton was photographed sunbathing topless somewhere in France.  Shocking, I know.  It's like she's a popular princess who is crazy attractive that a lot of people would want to see topless or something like that.  Go figure.  That being said however, I can't imagine that Kate Middleton without a shirt on would be all that much to look at.  She appears to weigh 85 pounds if she was soaking wet.  It's not like she has an ample bosom or anything like that.  She might not appear to have much more than a couple of mosquito bites on her chest.  Never the less, someone took pictures of her topless and all of England is all abuzz about it.  And me, never being one to want to pass up topless pictures of attractive females, decided to Google "Kate Middleton topless" just to see what all of the fuss was about.  I was NOT disappointed. 

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Monday, September 17, 2012

No Law Necessary

I know that I've said this before, but I don't get people.  Why do people care so much about what other people are doing?  And more importantly, why do they feel the need to put some sort of a law in place to stop a particular behavior that really doesn't have anything to do with anyone else?  Here's today's example that perplexes me:

Over on Facebook, I have subscribed to the updates for the A&E show Parking Wars.  Have you ever seen Parking Wars?  It's fairly awesome.  The concept is odd, I'll admit.  The show follows around the parking authority folks of a particular city and films them giving out tickets for various parking offenses.  The more interesting part is the people who are getting the tickets or who have to go and pay for the tickets.  That's entertaining stuff right there.  It's not must-see-tv or anything like that, but it's a good way to kill 30 minutes while you're waiting for the Kardashians come on. 

Anyway, their update this morning reads as follows:  "Bizarre DMV law of the day:  Virginia may be for lovers, but West Virginia is for meat lovers.  Officials in the Mountain State have deemed it perfectly legal for anyone to scavenge road kill."

There are several things about that update that perplex me.  First is the use of the term "bizarre".  How is it "bizarre" to allow someone to take an animal that has been killed on the road, presumably by a vehicle?  Why would that ever be illegal in the first place?  I don't understand why that is bizarre to someone.  Should it be illegal?  I can't imagine why.  I mean, it isn't something that I would do, but why would I give a fat rat's ass if someone else wanted to take home a deer that had been pulverized by a Suburban?  Take it!  It has absolutely nothing to do with me, so why would I care?  (And I've got news for the folks who still think it's "bizarre" to eat meat that's been killed by a car.  All meat comes from an animal that gets killed!  All of it!  I'm not so sure that the process of death really matters in the end.  I'm just saying.)

But maybe that's just the person who posted it, right?  See, if there's one thing that I've learned from scrutinizing the fuster cluck that is the media it's that they don't seem to understand all of the different sorts of little sub-societies that exist in this country.  Since they couldn't possibly imagine eating deer, let alone roadkill, they assume that it's just the craziest thing they've ever heard of and (apparently) that it should be illegal.  Turns out that it wasn't just the Parking Wars people who seem to think that there needs to be some sort of law in place.  Some of the comments were: 

"Who is surprised? Its freaking W Va!"  (By the way, according to their Facebook information, the person who posted that lives in Virginia!  Oh, so Virginia is completely "civilized", but those folks over there in West Virginia are just crazy people who don't regulate their roadkill!  I find that to be hilarious.)

"Ironically they can't marry their cousins in WV. THAT'S illegal but eatin' dead possum from the street is fine.Yep..... That's about right."  (I have no idea how this is an "ironic" statement.  It should be illegal to marry your relatives!  How is that getting lumped with eating a dead animal off of the road?!) 

 "We are talking about West Virginia, does this really shock anyone?"  (What shocks me is that this guy seems to assume that every other state must have a law against scavenging road kill.  Because of course what kind of a society would we be if we didn't constrain every single possible human action?!) 

And finally, my favorite: "Nasty inbred bastards!! Notice all the Wrong Turn movies are filmed there?"  I really don't even know what that means.  I guess that if there isn't a law to prevent you from salvaging road kill that you naturally procreate with members of your own family?  OK, then.  Seems like quite a leap to me, but to each their own I suppose.  The point here is that if you want to eat an animal that's been killed in the road, have at it!  I can't see a single reason why there needs to be a freaking law against something like that.  And I'm a little surprised that some of these folks seem to think that there should be.  The amusing part is the ones who would be in favor of a law are the ones who think that West Virginia is backwards.  Please.

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Sunday, September 16, 2012

Perfect Circles In Lieu Of Nothing Else

You know what I got?  Nothin'.  That's right.  I got nothin'.  I'm tired of hearing about how other people in the sand lands hate Americans.  I've been sick of the Presidential campaigns since 2010.  Not everyone likes sports, so that's kind of out.  There's just nothing.  So I found this video of this guy who can draw a perfect circle freehanded.  Now, that might not sound like much when you first read it.  But just think about it for a second.  Think about how hard it is to draw a perfect circle without any sort of tool or instrument.  It's hard!  And it's oddly fascinating to watch.  Look, I realize that it might not sound fascinating, but trust me.  It really is!  There's even some sort of yearly competition amongst the perfect circle draw-ers.  I would love to attend something as nerdy as that.  But since I don't think that's in the cards for me, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with just watching a video of the guy who is the World Freehand Circle Drawing Champion.  Behold! 

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Saturday, September 15, 2012

Boring Logo Strikes Again

What is it with all of these companies changing their perfectly fine logos into generic, boring, un-distinctive pieces of crap?  You'd think that these corporations would have learned from the fiasco that erupted with The Gap went all Arial font on us and everyone freaked out.  But nooooooo.   Then Microsoft went and changed their logo to the Boring font.  JCPenney went with just boring initials in a boring box.  And now eBay has decided to go from this: 

To this:
How is this any better? Don't get me wrong. I don't give a fat rat's ass about eBay. I'm just a little confused as to why all of these companies are going to completely crappy logos all of a sudden.  And why do they all look the same?!  Look at Microsoft: 

Look at the boring similarities!  It's essentially the same font and the same boring colors.  (Huh.  I'd never noticed the color scheme similarity before now.  Interesting.)  The point here is that it sucks.  Logos are supposed to have a bit of personality to them.  These do not.  I'm sure that it won't change anything as far as revenue goes, but it certainly is lame. 

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Friday, September 14, 2012

The "New" iPhone 5

I've gotta give Apple credit.  They have warped the minds of the general public into thinking that their products are semi-God-like that it's really quite impressive.  Seriously, show almost anyone out there an Apple product and just tell them that it's "new" and watch them drool over it.  Oh, did I mention that it doesn't matter if it actually IS new or not?  Yeah, it doesn't.  Just tell people that it's the "new" Apple whatever and they'll think it's just swell. That's what Jimmy Kimmel did.  He told people on the street that they had the new iPhone 5 and he wanted to know what they thought of it.  He then proceeded to hand them the iPhone 4S (as he would have to do because the iPhone 5 isn't out yet) and ask them what they thought of the "new iPhone 5".  Naturally, because the public is full of simpletons, they loved it!  Oh, it was lighter and looked more durable and had brighter colors and an HD screen and all sorts of "improvements" that people just loved.  And I honestly can do nothing but commend Apple on the incredible job of brainwashing people to the degree that they have.  It's amazing.  The video of these folks gushing over the "new" iPhone is below.  Enjoy! 

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Separated At Birth

Just so you know, the mom of Honey Boo Boo (June), seen here: 

Totally looks like Kevin Malone from The Office (seen here):

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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

New-ish iPhone

The folks over there at Apple revealed the new iPhone today.  It's going to be called the iPhone 5. Shocking, I know, considering that it's essentially the fifth iPhone that they've come out with. It's going to be longer, but not wider.  And as I looked at how big it was going to be, I saw that they said that the screen would now be a 4-inch screen, but I just didn't see the difference.  And I looked and I looked, but it just wasn't coming to me.  I don't see it.  This is how it feels to me:
See what I'm saying? It's different, but barely. And when you first look at it, it's essentially the same. Now, I don't know if that's necessarily bad, but from all of the hype that always surrounds these new iPhone launches, you'd think that it was nuclear powered and was the most unique and intriguing phone that you'd ever seen in your life. But no. It's the same.  It has a couple of different things on it, but overall, it's like Malibu Stacy here with her new hat.  Behold! 

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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Just Beat Her

Pat Robertson, sometimes televangelist and occasional political commentator has just voiced a fairly strong opinion about what he thinks one should do when their wife won't listen to them.  And it's a winner.  It's probably his best wacky statement since he said that Todd Palin should hold Levi Johnston under water until the thrashing stops.  That was a good one!  Here's the marital dilemma he was faced with:

Michael wrote:  "My wife has become a real problem.  She has no respect for me as the head of the house.  She insults me and she even went as far as stretching her hand to beat me.  I've lost my self confidence.  Her words hurt so much and she refuses to talk through our problems.  Please tell me what I can do.

As you can tell, Michael has quite the dilemma on his hand. The first problem being that he sees himself as the "head of the house" and expects to be worshiped like a king.  Head of the house?  Really, Michael?  Maybe your wife is just sick of your condescending attitude.  That aside, he's looking for some help and for some reason, turned to Pat Robertson.  His response?  "Well, you could become a Muslim and you could beat her. "  OK, then.  That's kind of hard to argue with, yet there's really so much to say about it. 

His co-host woman decided to take her response to the level of "In lieu of that..." to see if maybe he could come up with something a little less inflammatory.  That didn't really go so well.  He replied, "You don't want to go to Saudi Arabia?  You know, I think...this man's gotta stand up to her, and he can't let her get away with this stuff.  And, uh, you know, I don't know...I don't think we condone wife beating these days, but something's gotta be done to make her..."  And here is where his female cohort chimes in with: "Not physically...I mean, why would she not want to talk through their problems?  That's so unlike..." Ummm, what?!  Why would she not want to talk through things?!  Maybe because he's a jackass who thinks that he's the head of the house and she knows that there's no point in talking to him because unless she worships him and never speaks up, it's not going to be considered 'resolved' in his mind.  And that's so unlike...what?  A woman?  OH, trust me.  Women are very good at not talking about things.  We can go for a very long time without talking.  And at first, men enjoy it.  Then they start to get a little worried.  Then they become afraid.  But back to Pat. 

 He continues on his addle-brained advice with:  "She is just totally, uhhhh, uhhhhh, uh, she's rebellious.  Chances are she was rebellious with her father and mother.  She's a rebellious child and she doesn't want to submit to any authority.  And she probably had temper tantrums when she was a kid and you know, the little girl and 'I hate you!  I hate you!'  And she wants to slap her father and that's the same kind of thing.  She's just...she's transferred the father.  Now, she might...well...I hate to say that everything's gotta need some psychological counseling, but..."
Wow.  A guy he doesn't even know anything about writes him six sentences and from those six sentences he can already tell you what the guy's wife's childhood was like and what his wife's demeanor is like.  That's amazing!  He should be on America's Got Talent.  (He'd probably get more votes than those dogs that do all of the tricks.)  And I can see why he's teamed up with whoever this woman is because she jumped in with:  "But I think you need a third party here."  Right.  Because Michael gave you all of the information that you needed to know in those six sentences.  Basically, he's not being respected by his bitch of a wife and he's the perfect individual at all times.  Sure.  Who wouldn't get that impression from what he wrote? But wait.  There's more! 

Pat continues on with:  "Yes.  Definitely.  But that's the problem.  She does not understand authority.  When she was growing up, nobody made her behave.  And now, you've got a 13-year old in a 30-year old woman's body and she is acting like a child.  Now what do you do with that?  You can't divorce her according to the scripture.  So, I say move to Saudi Arabia."  And the cohort laughs and laughs!  Because how funny is wife beating?  Pretty funny!  It's hilarious!  There's no other solution than to just beat her into submission.  That seems to be a pretty good idea to Pat.  And he seems genuinely disappointed that we're not condoning wife beating anymore.  (Did we ever really condone it?  I'm not so sure that it was a cultural norm that was ever totally embraced by all.  But that's just me.) 

And this guy still has some sort of a show?  People are actually writing to him and asking for 'advice'?  Maybe it's because he tells them what they want to hear.  "You can't divorce her, so just beat her until she steps back in line!"  That's essentially what he has said without actually coming out and saying it.  Well, he did kind of come out and say it.  But he sort of tried to take it back.  Doesn't matter though.  Once it's out there, it's out there.  Is he married?  He probably is.  And I'll bet you that if I asked his wife if he was the "head of the house" she'd say yes.  Why would she say anything different?  After all, she wouldn't want to get beaten.

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Monday, September 10, 2012

Take The Money

Well, folks, if you were hoping to get your hands on Elvis Presley's personal bible (for the low, low price of only $94,600), I'm sorry to say that you're out of luck as it has already been sold at an auction that took place over the weekend.  But if you're still in the market for, say, a pair of the King's soiled underwear, you're in luck!  Wait.  What was that? 

You read me right.  For some reason, someone thought that it would be a good idea to auction off the slightly stained tightie whities that used to belong to and be worn by Elvis Presley.  They were apparently worn underneath his jumpsuit during a 1977 concert.  So, they were worn by fat Elvis.  This is the same fat Elvis who died on the toilet whilst straining at stool.  Thus, it's probably no wonder that they're slightly tainted.  Who would want these?  Would you?!  Behold! 

Yipes.  No thanks.  And not to get too graphic, but since we can all see them, I guess I'll just mention that they're stained in the front.  What in the world was he doing in there?  Apparently, there was a reserve price on Elvis' undies of around $11,000, but bidding only reached $8,000 so they didn't sell.  Didn't sell?!  For eight grand?!  Look, if you have stained underwear on the auction block and someone out there is willing to give you eight thousand dollars for said stained underwear (which, let's face it, may or may not actually have been worn and soiled by Elvis), you know what you do if the top amount doesn't meet your reserve price?  You take it!  That's what you do!  You realize that you're getting eight thousand dollars for a pair of grossly soiled underwear that may or may not have actually been worn by fat Elvis and you take the money! Who is out there holding out for the extra three grand?  Why do they have fat Elvis' underwear in the first place?  Why are they soiled?  So, SO many questions.  And none of them overly interesting, really.  But I still think that holding out for more money when you're selling soiled underwear (regardless as to who may or may not have owned them) is a bad plan.  Bad, bad plan. 


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Sunday, September 9, 2012

What Was That, Tom?

I had heard that Tom Brokaw went to the emergency room the other day because he wasn't feeling all that great after an appearance on Morning Joe.  I wouldn't have felt so good either if I had to appear on that show with that airheaded twit Mika Brzezinski.  And then I heard later on that he said that he "accidentally" took half of an Ambien and that made him just a tad loopy.  OK, that's fine, I suppose.  Everyone makes mistakes.  But I didn't realize that there was video/audio of this ordeal!  And there IS!  And it's spectacular.  Please ignore the title of the video that some dope labeled "Tom Brokaw Clearly Drunk".  He's clearly not drunk.  Oh, there's something wrong all right, but it's obvious to me anyway (as someone who has been drunk on more than one occasion) that he's not drunk.  Behold! 

In case you didn't catch all of that, here's a transcript:  "There was a party at the top of the hotel yesterday that has a very sleek, modern hotel and the glass is not exactly clear in terms of where you walk from where you step next.  So, Bob, the former Secretary of the Treasury has a lot of (Fail acts?  Phalanx?  Hard to tell what he says here.) people around him.  He stepped confidently into the party room and deeply into the pool."  Uh, yeah.  That doesn't make any sense, Tom.  I'm glad that it was just a misplaced Ambien and not something more serious.  I like Tom Brokaw.  I don't particularly care for him all hopped up on sleep aids, but regular Tom Brokaw, I like. 

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Saturday, September 8, 2012

We've Heard It All Before

This is a pretty good don't-vote-for-President-Barry-again ad.  I'm not quite sure why I've only seen this online and not on actual TV, but maybe that's how we're doing things these days.  Mitt needs more stuff like this.  It speaks for itself.  And that's more than Mitt has been doing these days.  He won't talk about certain things and I get that.  (I almost appreciate it.  Seriously, I don't think I can stand another debate over birth control.  And I'm a chick.)  But he needs to make some better points.  He's boring.  Not that this commercial is exciting, but at least you pay attention to it.  (I think that's because you never see or hear Mitt Romney.  All you see and hear is President Barry.  People still care what he has to say.  Mitt Romney?  Not so much.)

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Friday, September 7, 2012

Bad Lip Reading Joe Biden Style

The folks over yonder at Bad Lip Reading do a heck of a job.  And they've really outdone themselves this time.  Here we have a bad lip reading of Joe Biden.  Now, it's not just what they interpret ol' Joe to be saying, it's the way that they say it.  They make it sound like he's a big dope.  And whether or not that's completely accurate or even partly accurate isn't the point.  The point is that it makes it funnier when they have him say something like "That's a pancake!" as he points to the back of a motorcycle.  Behold! 

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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Ragu Will Fix That

I've seen a lot of different ways that products try to sell themselves, but I don't think that I've ever seen a spaghetti self try and sell itself through the trauma of a child walking in on his parents as they're doing it.  That's right.  Ragu spaghetti sauce decided that it would be great to see a young boy, probably around 8 or 9 or 10 or something (I'm not really very good at guessing ages), coming home and yelling for his mom about something and then walking into a room with the door shut and having a horrified look wash over his face.  Then kid then does an about face and walks off to contemplate a life that is much different than the one he knew merely seconds beforehand.  And at the end, they do exactly what you're supposed to do in that sort of horrific situation.  You give the kid some Ragu sauce and everything works out just fine, naturally.  Spaghetti sauce instead of therapy!  Bring it on!  It's just weird.  I'm telling you, it's weird.  See for yourself.  Behold!

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