Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Misfortune of Shoddy Blogging

From what I can tell so far, the hot topic for the day would appear to be lesbians. Now, for some, that's nothing new. For some "every day is lesbian lover day". But for others, it's just the topic du jour. Why lesbians? Why now? Glad you asked and welcome aboard! Here's the thing:

In a previous post, I went off on Dimitris Lambrou. Lambrou, a self proclaimed "activist" (with no details on what he actually activates) is suing the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece in order to get the women to stop calling themselves "lesbians". That's because Lambrou claims that only those who are residents of the Greek island Lesbos can be lesbians. What a moron. But that's not new either.

Apparently, Lambrou (who I'm kind of starting to think is a lesbian trapped in a man's body or something like that. Why does he care?) had wrote an article/essay/rant entitled "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian". And that's all well and good. But this morning, I read a comment on the ol' blog here that says that the article he wrote is referring to the residents of Lesbos having the misfortune, not the other lesbos having the misfortune. Really? Hmmm....

Now, I might mock everything and everyone right and left that deserves to be mocked, but I do so with accuracy. I'm not making crap up here. All of my contrite opinions are based purely on the apparent stupidity and inaneness of others and their actions. So if this thing is about the islanders and not the mainlanders (?) (Lord knows we're not mainstreamers. Yet.), well, I would need to correct myself. So I set out to find it. That's when I realized that I really need to start being OK with shoddy blogging.

Look, no one wants to waste their time reading a bunch of crap online that's just that - crap. Especially if they're looking for information as opposed to opinion or commentary based on opinion. That's why I like to be informative and provide accurate information of situations and THEN add the opinion or commentary that all seven of you who actually read this have come to know and enjoy. (And I thank each and every one of those seven.) But it would seem as if I'm the only one. Do you think I could find "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian" anywhere? Even though, in every blog or article that I read about this ordeal mentioned it? Even though they all mentioned that it was "published on his website"? Do you think ANY of them included his website? Do you think ANY of them mentioned the name of his website? No, no, and NO.

I have spent way too long this morning trying to find the text of the Lesbianian Misfortunes or whatever the hell it is. And I can find many, many people who are extremely adept at the ol' "cut and paste from other sources that they won't cite" maneuver. But I couldn't find the name of his website, I couldn't find the website and I couldn't find his masterpiece detailing the finer points of the reasoning behind the unnecessary renaming of female homosexuals across the globe. Couldn't find it. Sorry.

Look, I assumed that the title spoke for itself. And since I'm not from the island of Lesbos, I wouldn't assume that it referred to them. Since Lambrou seems to think that the lesbians (the other ones. The ones who like other lesbians. Or just other women. We're really not all that discriminate all the time.) should be called something else, I'm thinking that sounds "unfortunate", or that the mis-identified lesbians are experiencing a "misfortune" in that instance.

Think about it. If you went through your whole life being called "Bob" and then one day, someone told you that you can't be called "Bob" any more. Would you feel as if you had experienced a "misfortune"? Of course you would. (Sorry, Bob Steve.) And that's how I interpreted "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian". And given my explanation, it's a reasonable interpretation and I'm not changing my previous post (because it's funny like it is). If Dimitris Lambrou would like to pull his secret manuscript out of the titanium vault and share the whole thing, as opposed to just the title, with others, well, some of us would appreciate it. Others won't give a fat rat's ass if what they write is accurate or not. But some of us do. And those who do are now really kind of curious as to what that thing actually says.

Thanks for the comment. Next time, don't make it Anonymous so I can get back to you. If you have the text of "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian" or you know where I can find it online or even if you know what the URL of Lambrou's website where the elusive document supposedly lives, please, do tell. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have some misfortune to get back to.

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Google Trends April 29, 2008

Today's Google Hot Trends are odd. Especially the top 20. You know, for such a wide variety of search topics, presumably made by people who want to know more about said topic, we sure are a nation of idiots in a lot of ways. Go figure.
  • #1 keoni kai lucas (Apparently the co-founder of the Puinsai Clothing Company. Yep, right up until his car collided with a tree in Santa Monica, CA on April 27, 2008.)

  • #2 homophone (Seriously? Number TWO Hot Trend of the day? A homophone?)

  • #4 hcg diet (Extreme calorie reduction along with injections of human chorionic gonadotrophic hormone, the hcg. Huh. I see.)

  • #5 anwar (That's it. Just anwar. WTF?)

  • #6 charles nelson riley (The gay Match Game guy? Again, WTF?)

  • #8 butterfly with hiccups (No clue. Sounds too cutesy for me to even feign interest.)

  • #14 def leopard (This one I can fathom. They were on 'Dancing With The Stars' tonight, which I cannot fathom. Clearly a new phenomenon to most doing the trendy searching as it is spelled Def Leppard.)

  • #17 a full cup (Please don't ask of what? I don't know.)

  • #42 synonym of too (At NUMBER FORTY TWO?!?! OF HOT TRENDS?!?!)

  • #87 john daly shirtless (I've seen it. Trust me. It's not pretty. Avert your eyes. Never look directly at it.)

  • #100 american idol april 29 (They did Neil Diamond songs. Paula thought they did more Neil Diamond songs than they actually did. Oh, like you're surprised?)

And as long as I'm on the subject of Hot Trends, here's something that you should really consider making a hot trend of your own. From the website: The best programming in Utah comes from community-driven, independent and enthusiastic Utah Free Media (UtahFM). With over 30 years experience creating interesting and engaged content, UtahFM is uniquely positioned to provide high-quality, high-enjoyment content via the Internet. We are, and always have been, listener and volunteer driven, and aim to serve as the community's host radio station. Listen as the feed flows, or pick your favorite shows from our archive for an adventure of your own choosing.

Good music from good people. There's a link on the right under the 'Linkage' heading. (I'm sure that they'll be linking to me any moment now. I can feel it!)

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All Of These Women...They're So Confusing

I thought that if you were a lesbian, you just were. I didn't think that someone else could claim to be the "real" lesbian and then sue you for being the, um, artificial (?) lesbian? The impostor lesbian? Well, apparently, you can. But in this case, you're going to have to be one uptight and cranky bitch to do so.

The fine folks over there at are reporting that residents of the island of Lesbos (it's Greek) are suing a gay group because the Lesbos residents insist that they and only they are the real Lesbians. :::sigh::: (I find it disappointing that it's going to be a bunch of angry lesbians in a room together and it will not be erotic at all. What a waste of perfectly good lesbians.) Oh, the residents? Yeah, there's TWO of them. TWO. (Does that even count? I mean, I know that lesbians tend to travel in flocks like geese (or just work their way around their circle of friends for their partner du jour), but don't you have to have more than two in order to claim that you're a "group that is suing"? (Or is it a gaggle? A flock? A flock of lesbians? No. No, that's flock the lesbians. Never mind.)

The lesbian duo of Lesbania Lesbos are suing the Greek Gay and Lesbian Union, otherwise known by it's acronym OLKE. Wait. What? (How is the Greek Gay and Lesbian Union also called OLKE. Shouldn't it be the GGLU? I'm so confused. Lesbians are confusing.) Lesbo A and Lesbo B (as they are known in unofficial court documents, those being this blog) claim that they now are suffering "psychological and moral rape" from the "seizure" of the name of their island by the thieving gays. This statement was made by a one Dimitris Lambrou (who claims to be an "activist", but with no word on what he activates) in a text titled "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian." WAIT!

The "misfortune"? Misfortune. I've heard it called lots of things, but that wasn't one of them. Then again, I can only imagine Mr. Lambrou's social life if HE is calling the art of being a lesbian (and believe me, it's an art. A fine art. One which you can practice for years and still not get it right when you try to implement it. Trust me on that one.) to be a "misfortune." I'm sure HE thinks it is a misfortune....for HIM. The lesbians? Well, when things are good, we're feeling pretty fortunate. No, wait. It's when things are going good we pretty much fornicate. That's it. I always get those mixed up. Where was I? Oh, right. The rape and the seizure.

And while I have NO idea what in the world "psychological and moral rape" could possibly mean, I will make an attempt to explain the other one to the litigious activist. Dude, if there's any "seizures" going on between a couple of lesbians, well, I'm going to let you in on a little's supposed to be like that! If there is a "lesbian seizure moment" occurring, well, one of them is doing something really right to the other one. Don't worry. It's a seizure only in the best sense of the term. And it's really good if it's the "search and seizure" kind. Well, from what I hear (and vaguely remember).

The island of Lesbos is where the poet, Sappho, lived during the early sixth century BC. She expressed her love of other women (She really should think twice before doing that. Really.) with lyric verses. Lyric verses. Huh. I'm picturing something like "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You're a girl and so am I. Let's go off and be gay." (I'm sure it's close to that, but you get the general idea.)

OK, I cannot imagine what this guy's angle possibly could be. This makes absolutely no sense. You're going to have TWO chicks from some Greek island say what exactly? That they are precious little snowflakes who are offended by those of us who are out there enjoying ourselves with others (who are remarkably like us!) who are enjoying themselves with us as well? HOW is that a court case?!?! It's not! It's not a court case at all! It's barely a conversation! Get over yourselves, ladies. And sir. In fact, get all over yourselves, ladies. And let him watch. All of you will soon forget why you ever thought this lawsuit was a good idea in the first place.

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Stabby Joe and Stabby Jane Go To New Mexico

They've had a hell of a time over there in New Mexico lately. I'll start with this happy couple: Picture this: You're at home, you and your beloved (or been loved, either one is fine), just hanging out, watching some know, typical evening in Albuquerque. As the movie continues, you start getting this deja vu sort of feeling. It's almost like you've seen this one already (it wouldn't be impossible. It's not like you've never seen porn before.), but you're pretty sure you haven't. Or have you? Why does all of this seem so familiar? (Well, everything but that copy machine. Oh, wait. It's a Konica? Never mind.) Even the copy machine seems familiar. But that's not it. It's not office equipment that's the problem. Oh! Wait! That's it! The guy. It's the guy in the porno that you're familiar with. Right! Because he's sitting next to you on the couch right now! I KNEW I knew him from somewhere! Wait. What?

20-year old Amanda Moya was watching porn with her boyfriend when she recognized the actor in the film as him. So, she of course did the next natural thing. She grabbed a knife and went after him. Of course she did. That's when the guy did the next natural thing. He grabbed his cell phone and ran, dialing 911 as he avoided the knife as she repeatedly tried to stab him. Seems reasonable. The running. The stabbing? Well, kind of...but, keep reading. You'll catch on.

Now dude is running down the road wearing only boxer shorts and talking to the 911 operator as he runs. "She almost shanked me and everything. She put the knife right under my throat," he said. (Is he British? Fresh out of prison? Shanked?) And it's a good thing he called 911 because the operator's advice to him was to "keep running" and to "try to get inside a store". (Preferably one that doesn't allow crazed women with knives who are hunting down their alleged porn actor boyfriend. Stores that like ARE plentiful, they just don't advertise publicly. It's an assumed service.) The guy ended up flagging down a deputy that was nearby. He said that she did manage to "stab him in the face" and "bite him on the chest". (She bit the chest and stabbed the face? That seems like it should be the other way around, doesn't it?) Moya was arrested and charged with aggravated assault and aggravated battery. But the best part? You got it.

It wasn't him.

That's right. Not him. She thought it was her boyfriend, but as it turns out, it wasn't. I guess it just looked like him. Or parts of the actor looked like her boyfriend. I don't know which it was. (There really weren't those kind of details.) Naturally, alcohol may have been involved in the attempted battering and attempted assaulting of her non-porn star boyfriend. Yep, that seems about right. And she also was charged with child abuse because when she ran out of the house to chase and with the intent to eventually stab repeatedly her scantily clad, mistakenly identified, live sex actor boyfriend she left her 8-month old baby in the house alone. (Well, not totally alone. There was the porn to keep him company.)

But there's even more crazy crime spree-ness in New Mexico. This time, we're going to hop on over to Santa Fe where a Paul Rodriguez tried to leave a Sam's Club store with two bottles of expensive tequila shoved down his pants. (Expensive tequila? At Sam's Club? Who knew?) So the employees catch him doing this and they've got him detained while they wait for the cops to get there. Naturally, Mr. Rodriguez did what you would expect from a grown man who was just caught with two bottles of tequila in his pants at a Sam's Club. That's right, he took his cane, opened the cane's neck to reveal the 28 inch sword and held the employee at knifepoint as he threatened to use it before he fled. But don't worry, he kept his word and used his cane-sword to slash the torso of another employee as he took off.

Now the man might think he's adept at the ol' slash and flee, but he wasn't. He tripped and fell in the parking lot, hitting his head on the pavement which caused him to bleed. He was still bleeding as he got into a friend's car and told her to drive. The woman, who clearly was of above average intelligence, "sensed that something wasn't right" and told him to get out. That's when the police caught up with him.

This guy is like the Macgyver of the White Trash Ninja Crime World. Although I will say that I am impressed with the dual purpose of the walking assistance device slash medieval weaponry. I mean, it's a cane that's also a sword! That's brilliant! (I'm guessing it was inspired by the famous pirates of yore. A lot of pirates only had that one wooden leg to hobble around on while in the middle of their sword fight on the plank of the ship. That's some inspirational material right there. I think.) Where does one get one of those? Oh, right. Sam's Club.

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Google Hot Trends- April 28, 2008

There was a rather disturbing theme in the Google Hot Trends from yesterday, April 28, 2008. It was venereal disease. Specifically, it was syphilis and the varied forms that it can take thereof. There were also many other health/body related maladies within the Top 100. And like I've surmised previously, there was a reason for the theme. I'll get back to that. In the meantime, some Hot Trends:

  • #1 neurosyphilis (Hotness factor: Volcanic. I would imagine that's when you pee.)

  • #7 syphilis (Not as hot as neurosyphilis, but still enough to cause a burning sensation.)

  • #8 dysgeusia (Persistent, abnormal taste sensations. No doubt a result of the syphilis.)

  • #13 bro code (Way of communicating within a select group of friends that only they understand. Kinda like the dolphins, only not so chirpy.)

  • #17 tuskegee experiment (The reason for the syphilis outbreak....on Google. From 1932 to 1972, the US Government conducted experiments on 399 poor, black men in the late stages of syphilis. (The "experiment" involved nothing. As in NO treatment. Just let them die and then see what that does to their body. Nice.) Data for the experiment was to be collected from the autopsies after the men died. On April 24-25, for the past 11 years, the Tuskegee Bioethics Center apologizes for the debacle. Thus, the intense desire of the general Internet browsing public to learn more about the venereal disease known as syphilis.
  • #31 cordaptive - Cholesterol pill. Sounds like it's an adaptive cord. It's not.

  • #50 man on fire - Self explanatory (except for the who? and how? parts).

  • #80 god tv - Some sort of religious crusade to present a bunch of petitions to God on May 11th. Or something like that.

  • #82 syphilis symptoms - If it burns or falls off, see a doctor.

  • #99 pfo - Could be a cancer medication; could be a corporation officer, could be a stock. So many choices, so little interest in figuring it out.

  • #100 national city bank - Seems to speak for itself.

What did we learn? If there's a major event or news story involving anything having to do with sex or with some of the not-so-pleasant health maladies (ie, the raging syph) that can occasionally result from said sex, or if there's a story that just has to do with anything below the belt, the trend will be to use Google to learn all that you can about it immediately and throughout an entire day. How productive.

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Nothing Short of Predictable

These two have never had sex Oh, this could be one of the greatest days in the history of great days! Definitely a great day in the history of days that involve a story that I predicted months ago would be here shortly! And it is! It is! And I am quite giddy about it! Hold on to your butt for this one. Ready? Four words: Gary. Coleman. Divorce. Court.

Gary Coleman, as we are not allowed to ever forget (because Coleman won't let us), used to play the diminiuitive Arnold Jackson on the TV show "Diff'Rent Strokes". And as anyone who cared enough to remember may recall, Coleman wed his Amazon-esque child bride, 22 year old Shannon Price, in a secret ceremony that may or may not have taken place atop a mountaMeet The Colemans!  Married and Sexlessin. (It definitely took place in front of a backdrop of a mountain, but any sort of confirmation of a real mountain being involved has yet to emerge.) They wed on her birthday, a move that I mentioned might have seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, but it will not seem so brilliant when they get divorced. And that day is finally here! Well, almost. It will officially be here on May 1 and May 2 when Coleman and Price appear on,( what will come as a huge surprise to no one) one of Coleman's favorite shows, "Divorce Court". Oh, how I wish Judge Wapner were around for this one. (Yeah, I know he was on The People's Court. I just miss Judge Wapner, that's all)

Now, word has it that some of the issues that couple will present to Judge Lynnn Toler (and the rest of the ex-child-star-getting-divorced watching general public via syndication) are Coleman's anger issues and his intimacy issues. Those who are recalling some of this hilarity will remember that the ex-child actor's temper is shorter than he is. Coleman had a conversation with a computer printer (ie, "You have to die.") after he couldn't receive a fax. After informing the printer of it's imminent fate, he hucked it across a room in the direction of his betrothed. Or perhaps it's the revelation that emerged after many months of the couple's oddly wedded not-so-very blissful union that is all too fresh in your mind. You know, when we learned that their holy union had yet to be consummated (presumably because Coleman couldn't find a ladder). Please refer to Vegas for the odds on if they've ever done it. (Also, keep your eye out for the ever popular and extremely wacky prop bets such as: Did they do it more than once? Were they both conscious at the time? Did he cry? Did he cry before or after?)

Yes, he bashes his head into the wall!Both parties to agree that they have "ugly" monthly fights. Monthly? (OK, well, from what I can tell "monthly" must mean "daily". But I'm not here to quibble, really.) Shannon says that, "If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five year old does. He like stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too." (Helmet!) OK, I am dying to hear that "Meehhhh" sound repeated in court. You KNOW it will be. You KNOW she will make the diminuitive man-boy grunt-noise for the courtroom. And I can't wait.

Now, when Coleman has his say about their relationship, he says that his frustration stems from the man always being the bad guy. (No, Gary, see, it's "the man who throws things" at his wife that's "the bad guy." That's a little different than "the man who does not throw things." The man who does not throw things is simply "the guy".)

Coleman says, "I don't have any friends (shocker!) and don't have any Coleman at the 'height' of his celebrity status, pardon the punintention of making any. (Mission accomplished, Gare! Congrats!) People will stab you in the back, mistreat you, talk about me behind your back (or over your head), steal from you. And they're not really your friends. (They're) only there because you're a celebrity or because they want to get something from you." Um, I think he's taking a bit too much liberty with that term "because you're a celebrity." I really can't say that I think of Gary Coleman as "a celebrity". I think of him as that weird little dude who was on Diff'Rent Strokes who STILL hasn't had post-marital sex! But I only think that after I think of him as the crazed printer throwing married virgin. But "celebrity"? Yeah, that's a stretch. (Which might help, actually.)

It's a good thing that you don't have any intention of making any friends, Gary. That way, the cordial exchanges that one would need to engage in for the purpose of making of the friends won't get in the way of your tantrum throwing, grunt yelling and peripheral hurling. (And psst...Gary! Don't worry about people stealing from you. From what I hear, there's nothing to steal!)

Coleman also said that their private life was "mediocre." Um, you're getting divorced. That's aWell, no wonder he's so short.  He's missing a torso. pretty good sign that your private life is not quite "mediocre". No, that's "get out". "Mediocre" is kind of like an undesirable, yet fairly tolerable, "average". And I, personally, have yet to be in a situation where things are being heaved upwards in my direction as some overly enraged and self proclaimed celebrity grunts "Meeehhhh!" (I mean, come on, that's like saying Coleman's height is "average".)

But even with the pending trip to Splitsville, Coleman says, "It's not her fault. I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. ... There are days I don't even want to get up." And what is this pressing global weight upon you, Gary? Afraid your lawfully wedded wife might want you to have SEX?! (And a ::gasp!:: goes up from the crowd!) Worried you're going to forget your footstool every time you leave the house? Run out of things to throw? What could he possibly be over there stressing about? Which one of his shoes to hawk on next on eBay? (As you may or may not choose to recall, Shannon is "a fabulous eBayer" who one day may amount to something, as avowed by her husband, Gary. Shocker that this marriage is over, eh?)

(OK, I can't resist...."The weight of the world on your shoulders?" Everybody! Sing along! "It's a small world after all!" You know the words! "It's a small world after all!" )

So, May 1 and May 2, Gary Coleman Gets Divorced. Mark your calendars and set your TiVos. If it's even half as entertaining as the wedding, it's going to be pretty darn good. Stay tuned, won't ye? (And don't Vegas!)


Side note: I wrote my first post ridiculing Gary Coleman and his equally virginous and towering bride back in February. While I have zero attachment to Gary or Shannon, I do have a bit of attachment to the memory of a beginning during the time that I wrote that post (one that has nothing to do with the now divorcing Colemans). And I just wanted to say thanks for finding me amusing (most of the time). I never would have thought I'd ever have a Gary Coleman memory. But then again, who would? (I'm guessing not even Shannon.)

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A Gun, Some Bees, and Some Liquor

So many more things sound like good ideas when you're drunk, don't they? Eating contests. Feats of strength. Elaborate story telling to strangers. All very, very good ideas when one is just hammered. But when that alcohol wears off in a day or two and you're left lying on the living room sofa with your killer hangover, that's when eating those 32 frozen burritos (still frozen) does not seem like the best idea you ever had. David Walls probably thought the same thing when he came to, except that instead of regretting the frozen burrito extravaganza, he was probably thinking that his drunken bee hunt wasn't such a good idea. Wait. His what?

From the fine folks over there at in Pennsylvania, 57-year old David Walls was on a bender and a bunch of bees flew above him. Naturally, he did the only thing that a drunken Canoe Creek man would do. That's correct, he retrieved his .22 caliber rifle that was loaded with buckshot and began a-firin'. But when you're drunk and you're trying to shoot at bees, that could pose a problem because of all of the things like look like bees when you're drunk. Like your own hand.

Yes, the idiot shot himself in the hand. Walls and his hand chock full o'shot were treated at the hospital and sent on their way. Those frozen burritos were probably sounding pretty good right about the time the buckshot went through his flesh. Yep. Alcohol was definitely involved.

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Monday, April 28, 2008

That's One Guilty...Platypus?

Gavel of JusticeThe verdict is in....Hans Reiser, aka The Platypus, has been found guilty of murder in the first degree of his wife, Nina. (Just to clarify, he's not a superhero. The Platypus is not his secret identity that he uses when fighting crime. Or predators trying to steal eggs from this mammal who lays them. The Platypus is in reference to his defense attorney's closing arguments in which he likened Hans to a platypus. Both weird, both odd, both allegedly didn't kill their wife. The real platypus, however, will not be spending at least the next 25 years in jail.)

Hans wasn't looking so great when he was in the courtroom. Yeah, he looked like he was about to vomit. (Hey, I would too if I knew that my future rested in the hands of 12 men and women who just heard my lawyer, over three days, tell them that I was a platypus. I'd probably be expelling fluids in more ways than just the vomit-in-ous kind.) His tie and his collar were on all funny looking. Hmmm...I guess a platypus wouldn't know or care what his tie nor his collar looked like. Here's a pic of a somewhat nauseous looking and slightly disheveled Hans

Yeah, I've seen that fashion style sported before. "Fashion style" meaning the not very well put together tie-shirt-jacket combo with the really big knotted, rather loose fitting tie. You can accomplish that look by taking a pre-knotted tie and just yank it on over someone's head to get it on them as quick as possible. Usually used with small boys going to church or other places where you don't get the tie on until the last minute. Also often used in court settings where the defendant is whisked into the courtroom from jail with not a lot of time to primp before his fate is read aloud. He doesn't look well.

Reiser's attorney, William DuBois (the father of the platypus-ian defense, a tactic that is sure to be questioned studied for years (or at least hours) to come.) responded to questions about his reaction to the jury's verdict by saying, "We're disappointed, but we're not completely surprised." (No, you really couldn't be, could you? Not after Hans' antic filled 11 days on the witness stand that resulted in his own attorney calling him an "asshole" at least five times one day. Granted, it was to "clarify" a point Hans had made, but you could tell there was a bit of joy every time DuBois repeated something to the effect of, "So you're saying you're an asshole?" )

Even still, DuBois didn't think that having his platypus client take the stand was the problem. Well, not the entire problem. "It's not one thing, it's a series of things." (Now that's about the most accurate statement that you'll hear all day. Possibly all week. And it's only Monday.) "They misread him and didn't give a lot of stock to his disorder. ("Disorder" referring to his social ineptitude.) I'm sure he negatively impressed the jurors." (Well, he negatively impressed everyone else, including the judge who , at one point, told him, "Mr. Reiser, I have about had it with you. You are rude. You are arrogant. There's not enough words in the English language to describe the way you are. You have made a mockery of everything about this proceeding. If you continue to disrupt the courtroom, I will have you removed from this courtroom." Yeah, so I don't see why the jurors would be excluded from being negatively impressed.)

Both DuBois and Paul Hora, the prosecutor, spoke with the jurors after the verdict. (The jurors weren't interviewed, but I don't think that they could have been. At least, not until the sentencing part is done. I have the feeling that they'll be giving their very honest opinions about Hans when they do.) Hora told a group of reporters after the verdict, "We have a body; we just don't know where it is." Wait. What? I think he's been listening to Hans for too long. (During his closing arguments, Hora had told the jury during that, "He's got motive coming out of his ears." I found that to be an interesting way of putting it. He's just oozing motive. Yep, right out of the auditory orifices. Motive out the ears.)

Hans was ordered to be removed from the courtroom immediately after the verdict was read. As Hans didn't act up or do anything else to get himself removed (very unlike him. Must have still been a little stunned), I'd have to say it was an anticipatory move. As a bailiff grabbed his arm, Reiser said, "I've been the best father that I know how." (Um, Hans, if you killed your wife and that's the best you know how, you might want to get a parenting book or something. I really think that "murder" as "parenting" could be improved upon.) His next statement was, "Can I speak to my attorney?" At that moment, he couldn't. You're not going to be getting your way for a while, Hans. Better get used to it.

The next question in light of the verdict, aside from how long ol' Hans gets to spend in the slammer (The minimum is 25 years. What happens to a platypus after 25 years in jail? I don't know either, but it can't be pretty.), is what happens to Reiser4. Yes, Reiser4. It's a software file system that Hans named after himself (naturally). ReiserFS (File System) is built into the Linux kernel and is used in many of the top Linux distributions. (I don't know what that means. Whizzy-whirls built-in Linus zorbt thwogs, that's what I heard.) Reiser4 is the successor the ReiserFS, but without Hans, it's either not happening or it's going to have to be taken over by others (who say that it's just not the same without ol' Hans and I can believe that. That's probably the 2nd most true statement you'll hear all day. And it's still Monday!).

And when you read quotes from some of the programmers that knew Hans and had to work with him, you get a feeling that the guy that you saw/read about in the courtroom was a pretty accurate depiction of the guy himself. Ted Ts'o is a top Linux kernel developer and works on the file systems that compete with Reiser's. His impression of Hans is that "he is a talented programmer whose work was overshadowed by his temperment." Go on.... “Hans was not the easiest person to work with and and it’s ironic that by having some of these folks (those working on the Reiser4, sans Hans) interacting with the Linux community it allows Reiser4 to make more of a focus toward mainline inclusion simply because Hans was his own worst enemy and had questionable social skills. Hans was technically brilliant, but socially not at quite the same level.” (Correct, 3rd and 4th most true statements you'll read all day. Correct again - still Monday.)

Stay tuned for what may be the final installment of this odd, odd story where a human and an egg laying mammal become intertwined as one in a saga of murder, deception and justice. Or maybe just keep an eye out for "The Platypus Goes To Prison".

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Google Hot Trends April 27, 2008

Yesterday's Hot Trends, according to Google, centered mainly around the NFL draft picks and the TV show "Big Brother" (aka "Big Brother 9". Good God. NINE?) There were a few that seemed oddly out of place amongst this mix. A few of those being:

  • #19 - red chicory (Some sort of vegetable? Probably in conjunction w/#64.)

  • #51 - doug henning (The magician? From 1976? Really? Why?)

  • #53 - antonin scalia (The Supreme Court Justice. Interesting.)

  • #58 - shut up and let me go (OK. Done!)

  • #64 - artichokes (OK, what the hell was Rachel Ray making?)

  • #78 - waiting (that's it. Waiting. For what? For how long? I don't know.)

An interesting mix. Newly drafted football players, the NINTH season finale of a reality show (that I didn't even know was still on TV), some vegetables, a judge, a magician (who could be the love child of Greg Brady and Magnum, P.I.), one who waits and one who would prefer to flee in silence. Go figure.


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Another Bright Idea

Well, right now I'm looking for some short fodder for a quick blog fill. Hey, I was busy! There are other things I'm trying to accomplish. And believe me, one of those things is not that easy. It requires a lot of well-intentioned effort as well as a whole lot of quick and lighthearted wit for when it gets a little tense (although it's requiring a lot less apologizing these days, so that's a bonus). But it's that task that I was thinking about when I ran across this:

Here's a bright idea

It was weird. I saw this photo, had my revelation, and then wrote the post about the giraffe. It wasn't really the giraffe itself that I was thinking about (I was really thinking a bit more about other matters that I wish were at hand), but more of what the photo reminded me of while I wrote about the giraffe. And I found myself getting all distracted and my mind was wandering and I just couldn't focus for some reason. You know what I mean, right? That kind of inability to pay attention for some reason? Right. So, I did what I had to do as soon as I saw that photo. I got up and turned on a light so I could see better.

What do you mean you don't see the connection? The photo made me realize that I needed a light on in here because it's a picture of a lamp. Why? What did you think it was?

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What Did You Think I Was Talking About?

Many, many reasons exist as to why I love the press/media over there in the UK. And only exemplifies that mindset. "One Minute World News", that seems to be their motto/slogan. And the world is a pretty big place, so that's quite the accomplishment. They're just so amusing, with their blunt and direct style of reporting and how their stories are often infused with their witty, witty puns and their tongue in cheek comments. Oooh....tongue in cheek. Apparently some of that wittiness is wearing off on someone.

From the fine folks across the pond at, we have this descriptive portion of one of their stories: "He had nothing else to do all night and licked it until he destroyed it. I'm sorry it's in bits, I hope it's recoverable." Followed by this: "We underestimated how long Gerald's tongue was, but you have to laugh. Gerald has a huge tongue." Well, I'm sure you're thinking what I was thinking. That they must be talking about a giraffe named Gerald, at a zoo, who licked a webcam that had been set up to stream live pictures of the birth of a baby zebra and destroyed the webcam. Of course. Wait. What?

Gerald the giraffe did just that. Licked a webcam to it's death. Apparently, giraffes in general have huge tongues (who knew?). But Gerald has a ridiculously huge tongue which was able to reach the webcam and just lick, lick, lick it's smooth, shiny, attractive front all night long until his heart's content. Gerald, you lucky dog, er, giraffe.

Wait a minute. What did you think I was talking about?

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Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Fungus Among Us

Map of RussiaHow much exposure do you think those who live in Russia have to the rest of the world? What kind of media sources do they have and what exactly are their sources providing them with? News? Pop culture? (Though I do not know exactly what would constitute "pop culture" in Russia, but the question is still valid!) Tabloid gossip? Dr. Phil-ski? Whatever it is, either it's not very extensive or they just don't get it. I base that conclusion on a picture that a Russian student claims that she took of a UFO while she was in studying in London.

The first thing that I found odd about that claim is that she was in London when she took the picture of the UFO. I don't recall hearing about a lot of trailer parks in London. Hmmm. Interesting. The second odd thing was where she was when she saw the object and took the picture. Anastasiya Gavrilenko says that she was at Ribblesdown Park in Croydon, South London when she heard a noise and looked up in the sky and saw the object. Now, it appears to have been during the day when this occurred, so I'm having difficulty with some big huge object hurtling through the sky in the middle of the day, in the middle of London (there's a lot of middling over there in England) and the only person who notices it is a 17-year old girl and she's from out of town! None of the regular reisdents of the town see it. None of the people who live their entire lives there see it. No, instead it's the temporary foreigner who senses something out of the ordinary is afoot and and quick as a whip, she snaps a photo! Of course. And she's the only one. Again, Hmmm.

But really, the thing that really made me a little skeptical (she's totally lying!) was the picture itself. Behold! A picture of a UFO taken in London by a Russian.

Unidentified Flying Fungus
OK, I think I can speak for most when I say, WTF is that? Um, Ana? Yeah. Sweetie?, that's not a UFO. No, that's a mushroom. More specifically, that is half of a mushroom. But a mushroom none the less. And from what I've heard, scientists these days are beginning to realize that UFOs and mushrooms are different.

There are no clouds in the photo, no one else saw the UFF (Unidentified Flying Fungus), it's pretty blurry for a photo taken with any camera in the year 2008 and, most importantly, it's a mushroom. Let's compare: Here's the UFF:

And here's a mushroom:

Yep. They're the same!

See, that is why I question what their exposure is to everything else in the world. Did she not think that someone out there MIGHT be able to look at that and say, "Didn't I see that on my pizza last night?" Does she really think that a blurry photo of an edible fungi that has the consistency of an eraser would be so much better than a Photoshop scam job that she would get away with it when so many others have tried to pull it off and failed miserably? I just can't come up with any other rationale for it. And why a mushroom? Why not something more complex? Like an artichoke. have you seen one of those things? They're crazy looking. I would have believed that before I would have bought the 'shroom story here.

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Who Are These People & Why Are They Hot?

Google TrendsThey've got a lot of weird stuff going on over there at the Googleplex. That's the headquarters of Google over yonder in Mountain View, CA. Aside from all of the way cool perks that a Googler receives, they also have the flexibility to spend 20% of their work time working on their own projects. Not a bad deal. And they've come up with some pretty nifty apps. (OK, some of them suck, but overall, they're not bad.) And today I discovered Google Trends.

Google Trends could be subtitled "How F-ing Weird Are We?" I don't know if it is the things that we're searching for that I find odd or if it's the combination keywords that we use for our searches that I find odd. It's something. And it's weird. It's also hil-arious.

You can get a list of the Top 100 Trends for the current day or a prior day that isn't more than a year ago. Obviously you can't get a list of the "Trends for Tomorrow". It's just a Google app. It's not magic. Let's check the Hot Trends for yesterday, shall we?

Christa HelmsFor April 26, 2008, the #1 Hot Trend according to Google is....Christa Helms. Who? Christa Helms. Do I have to do everything around here? Listen... She was an aspiring actress who was murdered over 30 years ago and her killer has never been found. The case was featured on the CBS show "48 Hours Mystery" a couple of nights ago and it detailed how this case has a little bit of everything. You've got your good looking actress, other Hollywood stars, drugs, sex, affairs, lesbians, lesbian affairs, murder, lies, and the list goes on. And now you know.

Sean BellThe day before that, April 25, 2008, the #1 Hot Trend according to Google was.....Sean Bell. Sean was the guy in New York who was shot 50 times by undercover officers as he left a strip club where he celebrated his bachelor party. The 3 cops involved in the shooting were acquitted at trial on the 25th. Once again, that makes sense.

Now if I just stopped here, you'd be under the impression that these Hot Trends lists that Google compiles all make sense and that they're all somehow news related. And that would be wrong; oh, so very wrong. The 100 Top Trends for any given day do not all make sense. They DO make you realize that there are a lot of diverse people out there searching for a lot of diverse topics.

What else on the April 25th? #14: dans bake sale. #44: commodore 64. #46 unit fraction. #67: what mexican leader was shot dead in 1923? #86: Annette Funicello. (OK, I've refrained until now. Annette Funicello?!?! WTF?) #100: mount royal. Well, I am totally confused by this data. It tells me nothing other than we are a country of ADHD Internet users who are (most likely) bored and who have clearly lost our way. Annette Funicello? Go figure.
Annette Funicello

Now, Google's Hot Trends wouldn't let me go back exactly one year from today, so I went with 11 months ago. The #1 Hot Trend for June, 25, 2007 was: fatemeh angela harkness. Who? I have no idea. All of the links that accompanied that item didn't work, though all of the empty sites did have ads with scantily clad, hugely endowed women on them, so that might answer my question right there. But, wow. That's one weird trendy list they had back then . #12 units of conductance. # 18: hogzilla. #33: shoe waitress. #72: what do the intrepid farmers of namaha iowa use to square dance at the farmall promenade. (WTF, WTF, WTF?!) #92: Anne who lost her head. And at #100: wife of zeus.

I'd like to know how the algorithm generates these rankings. I'd also be really curious to know the number of people who were searching for each "trend". It might help put that whole Annette Funicello thing in perspective. (Then again, it might scare the hell out of me, so it's probably best that I don't know any more than I already do.) Also, I was hoping that perhaps this data might show that we, as humans, are evolving or improving over time (I don't know how that would happen through Google searches, but I'm sure that stranger things have occurred, so it can't hurt to have a little hope, can it?). It didn't and, if anything, it probably showed exactly the opposite of "improving" and "evolving".

And by the way, that Mexican leader? Pancho Villa.

Pancho Villa

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Can You Hear Me Now? That's Not So Good

You wouldn't think that the telephone could cause so many problems. Or be blamed for so many things. Actually, you'd probably think that there would be only a small number of things that you actually could blame on the phone. After all, it's a phone. But a woman in Tunis (that's in Tunisia. See how they did that?) has claimed that she was raped. During a phone call. By the guy on the other end of the phone. That is correct.

This from the fine, but very vague, folks over there at UPI. According to them, a 20-year old womand was having a phone conversation with a 30-year old man. The man says he never touched her, a seemingly believable defense since he was on the other end of the PHONE. While he didn't touch her, he DID say that he heard her scream (when they were "totally into" their erotic phone conversation) and that she reported bleeding. OK, stop. Wait. What?

She reported bleeding? To HIM? Honey, that's probably the reason why you're having "erotic conversations" on the phone with guys instead of just going out and getting a little. Guys don't want to all of a sudden hear that you're bleeding. Actually, women don't want to hear that either. A bit of discretion, ma'am. That's all we're asking.

The lawyer who is representing the family who is alleging that their daughter was raped, a one Maha al-Metebaa (Anyone else thinking about sheep right now?), said that this case needs careful investigation (do ya think?) because it has unprecedented allegations. (I should say that it does! Not only are they "unprecedented" they're also rather "unfounded".) The lawyer said that a medical examination determined that the 20-year old woman was no longer a virgin. (Ohhhh. OK. Do you see where this is going? Or, more accurately, do you see where this (she) has been?)

al-Metebaa said, "The intercourse did take place with all its details but verbally only. The sexual act did not really happen because the physical proximity factor is not there, yet it happened because there is a direct physical impact – the loss of virginity." Ah, geez.

So, because she's no longer a "virgin" and she said that during this conversation is when it happened, then it's true? Because she's not a virgin? Of course, there is absolutely NO possibility at all that she could have, oh, I don't know, lost her virginity at an earlier time and used this ridiculous story as a way to cover that up? Lost her virginity, misplaced it, forgot she had it, something like that. Bottom line: Has had sex before. More than once. Is lying her ass off.

And someone has to ask, so it might as well be me. Was there a wombat involved?

This definitely gives new meaning to "Reach out and touch someone."

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Saturday, April 26, 2008

I Am Not Familiar With That Dictator; Who Is He?

If you're ruinnng for public office and you make a statement to the effect of, "I'll speak to any group that invites me", you might want to put some sort of a disclaimer at the end of that OR just feel OK about turning down a group's invitation if you don't believe the things that the group does or if you feel that speaking to a particular group might damage your public image and harm your credibility with the voters. You know, like the time that you spoke to the American National Socialist Workers Party in Chicago, remember? And you stood in front of that painting of Hitler and stood next to people wearing swastika armbands, remember? Oh, and there was that big swastika flag in the background, remember? Yeah, you might not want to do that if you're hoping to ever be elected. To anything.

Tony Zirkle, who is running for the Republican nomination in Indiana's 2nd District, gave a speech to the American National Socialist Workers Party who were celebrating the anniversary of Adolf Hitler's birth. He said he did so because of his statement that he would speak to any group who invites him. AND, he said he didn't believe the event he attended included people necessarily of the Nazi mindset, pointing out the name isn't Nazi, but Nationalist Socialist Workers Party. (And where he might have thought he was pointing out the name to us, he was really pointing how what a moron he is.) Then, unexplicably and possibly thinking this could somehow help him, Zirkle added, "I've spoken on an African-American radio station in Atlanta." Good Lord....As you can imagine, it didn't get any better. It's hard to say if something this boneheaded could get any worse, though.

Now, when he was asked if he was a Nazi or if he sympathized with Nazis or white supremacists or similar groups, Zirkle replied he "didn't know enough about the group to either favor it or oppose it." Oh, OK. Wait. What? These are the Nazis we're talking about, yes? How does someone not "know enough about the group to either favor it or oppose it"? Had he heard of the Nazis before that day? What kind of a lameass excuse/response is that? It's akin to, "Hitler? Um, well, which one was he? OH! THAT Hitler! Right! Sure! Andrew, was it? Oh, Adolf! That's right! Adolf! OK. OK. Now I'm with ya. What's the question again?"

The little Nazi get together that Zirkle spoke at was not just celebrating his birthday and to honor him, but they were also gathered to "fight America's economic collapse and reinvigorate the white working class." I see. Anything else? Oh, right, There was a cake, being as how it was Adolf's birthday and all. Yep, Zirkle had some cake. Some cake with a photo of Hitler and the words "Seig Heil" on it. Huh. Yeah, that seems about right for this story. Wow.

As you can imagine, there was a bit of discussion about this afterwards. Do you think Zirkle has caught on yet? Of course he hasn't. He said that he checked the group's website beforehand and he doesn't regret his Hitler Birthday Party Speech that he gave to the group whose name is NOT The Nazis. And would you like to know why? According to Zirkle (and the fine, fine folks over there at USA Today), "They represented themselves as being different from some of the other white supremacist groups. I believe there's a clear difference between racism and culturalism." There's also a clear difference between common sense and stupidity.

But it's clear that Zirkle does get the difference between common sense and stupidity. And he definitely doesn't know the difference between "things that will help a political career" and "things that will not help a political career." Along with speaking to a bunch of Neo-Nazis on Hitler's birthday, another item on the "things that will not help a political career" list would be saying things like, "That's the risk you have to take to get your point across. If the Black Panthers or the Jewish Zionists want me to speak about these issues, I'll do it." Well, I'll tell you something there, Tony. You can speak to those groups you mentioned and you can show up for Idi Amin's birthday and Stalin's welcome home party if you'd like. You can DO those things. What you can't DO is get elected to anything, anywhere, if you're going to be speaking to those groups.

Tony, here's an idea: Since you clearly could not get elected Dogcatcher, you're going to have a lot of free time on your hands. Maybe you should go pick up a history book and sit down with that for a while and read all about this Hitler guy and his friends, the Nazis. That way you'll be able to form an opinion about their "organization". Let us know how that turns out, OK?

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