What Next?

I love it when this stuff just practically writes itself. So, I was reading an article over there at People.com about Natalie Portman and her latest movie, Black Swan. It's some sort of a ballerina thriller, whatever that is supposed to mean. (I wouldn't have thought that was even possible before this movie and since I haven't seen it yet, I'm still not convinced.) They quote the recently knocked up Ms. Portman as saying, "Everyone was so worried about who was going to want to see this movie...I remember them being like, 'How do you get guys to a ballet movie? How do you get girls to a thriller?' And the answer is a lesbian scene. Everyone wants to see that."

I can't say I really disagree with her on that one. Who doesn't like a couple of chicks making out? Every guy I know finds it completely enthralling. And I, myself, find it very enjoyable. But it turns out that every guy and myself are not representative of the commenters over there at People.com. And we are certainly not representative of one specific commenter.

Allow me to share with you the comments of a one Patricia Eation. Ms Eation commented "Sick, sick, sick. Portman needs to revise her statement to read, "only the sick minded loves a lesbian sex scene". Have the "gays" taken over the entertainment industry? Next they'll be gay rappers! Bottom line, STOP trying to force a twisted choice of couples on everyone. I will never accept a behavior that God hates". Wait. What now?

Gay rappers?! What the hell does that even mean? How is it that a couple of fictional ballerinas end up making out in a movie will lead to rappers being gay? I'm failing to see the connection, but I'm finding it absolutely hilarious. Gay rappers. OK, then. (I also don't know why she has "gays" in quotation marks. Is she implying that if Hollywood had, in fact, been overtaken by homosexuals, they would be fake homosexuals, thus necessitating the usage of quotes around 'gays'? I don't get that at all. But I find gay rappers to be so absolutely hysterical so I'm going to overlook it.)

I'm going to try to work that into conversation whenever a topic comes up that folks find simply unbelievable. I'm just going to slowly shake my head and say, "I know. I can't believe it. Next thing you know, there'll be gay rappers." It's going to be great. I've needed a new project for a while now. And I believe I've found it!

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The Ticking Biological Clock of a Drunken Lesbian

Here's one you don't hear every day (thank God): "Woman attacks wife.....

".....with turkey baster full of sperm."

Sweet mother of God, what?!

Correct. Unfortunately correct. A woman, (one who is partial to other women and thus dubbed a lesbian) a one Jennifer Lighten of Pittsfield, Massachusetts, was at home when her wife, a one Stephanie Lighten (I said she was her wife! You were warned), who was said to be rather "liquored up", allegedly "...threw Jennifer on the couch, grabbed at her clothes and threatened to impregnate her." Yeah, yeah, threaten all you want! You're a chick, right? Whaddaya gonna do about it? Well, that's when things started to get a little weird.

According to Lez Get Real, the phrase "threatened to impregnate her" meant that "...Stephanie had a ‘turkey baster and her brother’s semen in a sealed container.’ " Oh. So that's what she's gonna do about it. I see. All rightee then, everyone? All together now: Eeeewwwwwww!!!!!

See, this was a problem because "Jennifer said she told Stephanie that she didn’t want to get pregnant.” You don't say? Well, I can't imagine that if she did want to get pregnant that she'd want to do it like that, by God! But that wasn't good enough for Stephanie. Oh. I mean, allegedly it wasn't good enough because even after Jennifer ran into the bathroom and locked the door, Stephanie broke down the door! Well, she sounds like she'd make a fine mother! What else?

I guess she wasn't very good at breaking down bathroom doors in an attempt to get at her wife so she could impregnate her with the sperm of her brother that she was storing in a handheld poultry moistening device as she hurt her wrist and went to get an ice pack. Jennifer, sensing that since she wasn't currently trying to bash down the door that it would be a good time to make a run for it. So she did. Oh. Allegedly.

Jennifer hops in their SUV and would have made a clean getaway except that Stephanie, ready and raring to go after icing up her door impact injury, jumped on the side of car" and "...was hanging on the SUV door handle, trying to get in.” What the hell? Did she think OctoMom was in there, because that's how folks are behaving over at her place!

When the police arrived they then "....arrested a very intoxicated Stephanie Lighten outside her home." That must have been a pleasant encounter. Even moreso after they "... confiscated the weapon, plus a container of semen and some aluminum foil, which was originally was used to hold the semen." All right, just wait one minute! This is a whole lot of really bizarre information to digest all at once! The weapon? Um, the turkey baster? The container of....reproductive fluid, is that the...what? Ammunition for the weapon? And the aluminum foil? That has me pretty perplexed, as I'm fairly certain that the penis was originally used to hold the semen. But aside from that technicality, I still don't get where aluminum foil has any part to play in the forced reproductive process involving kitchen gadgets and a whole lotta liquor.

Stephanie was charged with domestic assault and battery. If you're wondering why she wasn't charged with assault with intent to rape (which apparently was the other choice) it was because Jennifer "...declined to go forward with any charges of assault with intent to rape, because she did not believe Stephanie was going to sexually assault her with the syringe." Um, what? You don't believe...you didn't think.....but she....and you.....and all the foil !!! What?!

Honeybabe, what did you think she was going to do with it? Show you how to keep a 14-lb. turkey all moist and juicy before guests arrive? I don't think that was it! I guess that it shouldn't surprise me that Stephanie now "....alleges that the police have lied about the assault." Um, we're you drunk?

According to the folks over at Lez Get Real, Stephanie has stated that "...she believes that the police are lying in large part because her brother, Nicholas Lighten, was assaulted by a police officer who was then removed from the police force. Nicholas Lighten was punched in the face by Officer Patrick Duffy while Mr. Lighten was on the ground handcuffed. An internal investigation found Duffy to be in violation of police procedures and he was let go." That happened in 2006! HOW exactly does that play into your denying that you were going to impregnate your wife against her will with the sperm of your brother who was once punched by a cop 3 years ago? I just don't see the connection.

Although I do see the connection between a)someone who gets all liquored up and then procures the sperm of her brother and uses aluminum foil in some way and a turkey baster in another way and then tries to force some, any or all of the above onto or into her not-wanting-to-get-pregnant wife, and b) someone who would say that the police just made that story up because her brother was punched by a cop 3 years ago. I see that connection. The commonality in both of those examples is that the person is crazy! That's the thread that binds those two together right there.

I'm going to just guess and say that these two are going to be together for a long, long time. I have the feeling that there will unfortunately be more colorful antics in their future. So thank God for the Internet, otherwise the rest of the entire world might never know about it. Keep that in mind there, ladies, the next time that you're thinking of skipping those family planning classes and just venturing out on your own. If nothing else, remember that the Internet knows all. And it never, ever forgets.

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Lesbians Are Still Lesbians

Wow. Courts all over the place are just making the correct decisions left and right these days. If they're not careful, sanity and logic may break out in judicial systems everywhere. Oh, but I kid. That would never happen.

Today's judiciary sanity comes straight from an Athens court which ruled that lesbians can continue to call themselves lesbians, much to the chagrin of the residents of the Greek island Lesbos, who had argued that the homosexual lesbians were insulting the identity of the islander lesbians. Wait. I think I even confused myself with that one. Take two!

Dimitris Lambrou, a Greek publisher of O Davlos, a magazine with a whopping circulation of 5,000, had filed a lawsuit claiming that only those who were residents of the Greek island Lesbos were the true "Lesbians". Thus, if you weren't from Lesbos, you were not and could not be a "Lesbian", regardless as to your gender or the gender of those that you prefer to do things to that would normally constitute one as a full fledged "lesbian". Therefore, using his "logic", Mr. Lambrou is a Lesbian. And using the same "logic", Ellen DeGeneres is not a Lesbian. Interesting concept, eh?

Mr. Lambrou's lawsuit had been filed sometime back in April on behalf of two residents of LesbosThat's right. Two. One, two. Not two hundred. Not two thousand. Not two hundred thousand. Two. ::sigh:: Anyway, Lesbo A and Lesbo B (as they are known in unofficial court documents, those being this blog) claimed that they were suffering "psychological and moral rape" from the "seizure" of the name of their island by the pilfering gays. (Those gays! On top of being homosexual, they're also name seizers! The nerve!) Mr. Lambrou had made a similar statement in a paper that he authored which was titled, "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian." (Clearly, he did not ask any of those who were of the girl-on-girl lesbian persuasion how misfortunate they felt. Had he asked, my guess would be that the answers would have been "not very". Well, unless they were bitter and alone lesbians. Then their answer might be different. But I digress. A lot.)

According to our friends across the pond at the BBC, the court disagreed with Mr. Lambrou's claim that the "international dominance of the word in its sexual context violated the human rights of the islanders - who call themselves Lesbians - and disgraces them around the world. He argued it caused daily problems to the social life of Lesbos's inhabitants." (So, basically, it is such a disgrace anywhere on the planet to be a lesbian, that just the implication that one is a Lesbian through inhabiting the island of Lesbos will ruin their life forever due to the social stigma that it carries. Look, if the Lesbos Lesbians were having problems with their social life because they were thought of as "lesbians", they really should have tried hitting one of the gay bars and proclaiming that. If nothing else, they'd at least get a free drink or two out of the deal.) The court found no justification for this claim and said that just because they are technically called "lesbians" doesn't mean that it needs to define their identity, just as it doesn't define the identity of the "other" lesbians. You know, the girl liking kind.

But what if he had won? Then what? Then what would the girls who like girls who aren't lesbians anymore call themselves? Oh, come on. You have to know that this dude had already thought that one through! (Well, he thought he did. I'm not so sure. I think he could have thought a little harder.) He even mentioned it in court. His suggestion was that lesbians become "Tribades". He explained that the Greek word "trivo", a verb, means "to rub". Thus, he proclaimed proudly in court, "Those who rub themselves. How would that be?" Um, it would be just how one would think it would be. Absolutely RIDICULOUS!!

So there you have it. Lesbians are still, well, lesbians. But they knew that already. And the residents of Lesbos? Well, they're still Lesbians too. And, actually, Mr. Lambrou is also still a Lesbian. So, congratulations, sir. The only thing after your ridiculous lawsuit that is different than it was before your ridiculous lawsuit is that now a lot more people know what a tool you are.

Thanks again, Athens court making decisions guys. Oh, yeah, thanks a lot!

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Swedish Girls on Swedish Girls In English

News flash from Sweden in English! Swedish headline in English read: "Swedish Teen Girls Have More Sex With One Another." I love Sweden.

Now, while this doesn't seem like it was concluded from what I would consider to be a "scientific study", let's not let a minor little detail like the validity of the results ruin a good thing here, shall we? The researcher is a woman named Gun Rembeck (pretty). The article from the fine folks across the pond at The Local says that Gun is the primary researcher for this study and that she is also a midwife. Huh. Diverse. Anyway, according to the new dissertation from the Sahlgrenska Academy in Gothenburg (that's in Sweden), more teenage girls than boys have had sex with someone of the same gender (ie, another girl).

And while that doesn't surprise me, Gun, the midwife, said that she wasn't surprised at the results either and neither were her co-workers when she shared the results with them. “I work at the youth health centre and asked the staff there what they thought before I told them about the results. They answered right away that there are more girls." And while that's mildly interesting, it's also a no-brainer. Don't get me wrong, I'd have to say that teenage boys are hornier than teenage girls (although the difference between the two is like the difference between winning a million dollars and winning a million and ten dollars. Even though one is larger than the other, it's still a heck of a lot and you're going to be pretty darn happy if you have either one.). But I don't know many males, let alone teenage males (of which I think I might know 3) who, just because they're looking for someplace to point it, are going to choose another male But chicks? If they're looking for a little "intimacy" with someone (and by "intimacy" I mean "sex") and there's not a guy around? Sure, she'll do. Why not?

And while that's a no-brainer for me to figure out, even though it doesn't surprise Gun, the midwife, she doesn't get it. "It may be that girls feel their way forward (pun intended, Gun?) without identifying themselves and either homo- or heterosexual. There is less of a taboo for girls. During their teenage years girls are often a bit more intimate with each other in their own way. (Um, well, it's not really their own way. I mean, it's the way of others as well. And while there may be lots of "ways", I'm pretty sure it's a finite number overall.) Boys are often more worried, afraid to diverge, and the expressed norm is to not be homosexual." I don't know if it's so much that the boys are afraid to diverge as much as they are afraid to bend over. It's a whole different ball of wax (which really shouldn't be brought into these scenarios at all during these early stages. You want to talk about causing confusion? A ball of wax will do just that.)

Apparently there were 440 17 year old girls and boys who were questioned for this study. 6.1 percent (about 26 or 27) of girls admitted to bumping funky with another girl and 1.7 percent (about 7 or 8) of the guys admitted to having gone Brokeback Mountain at some point. Rembeck, the midwife, said that she thinks that girls are "more inclined to experiment than boys are". I'm going to assume she's referring only to the same-sex sex activities here and not just in general. If she were making that statement in general, she's obviously unaware of some of the "experiments" that teenage boys will perform. (Trust me. There's a reason guys know exactly how many Oreo cookies one can fit into their mouth at one time.)

Rembeck, the midwife, added that, "It’s possible that girls who know they are oriented toward homosexuality have become sexually active earlier than boys." I swear, I hope it didn't take this study for her to come to that conclusion. Well, of course if you know something sooner than someone else knows something then you're going to be having sex with girls before they're having sex with boys. Or something like that. (I really have to look into getting myself one of the scientist gigs.)

So what have we learned? Learned? Are you kidding? After reading "Swedish Teen Girls Have More Sex With One Another", no one was paying attention. I was writing the thing and I wasn't even paying attention!

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The Misfortune of Being Lesbian In English

I have seen the word "lesbian" in the written media more in the last two days than I probably have in the last two years. And all because of the guy from the island of Lesbos who wants the term "lesbian" to ONLY refer to those from the island and not those from the land of homosexual women. The fact that it's a dude who is all up in arms about this is a bit odd. Maybe he got confused when he learned that "lesbians" (not islanders) like other women and, since he likes other women, maybe he felt that HE should be a lesbian. But, alas, because of our strict rules and regulations (they're right there in the handbook that you're given after the recruitment process is complete and we've received our toaster) he couldn't be a lesbian because of his gender status (and his penis). But with this whole Lesbos island angle (Isn't that where Wonder Woman lived with Debra Winger? Lesbos Island?), he thinks he's found a loophole. (And I'm sure he's found something. I don't know what it is, but it's something all right.)

The dude in reference is Dimitris Lambrou, a Greek man with a flair for sparking international debate over that which is inane. Mr. Lambrou is one of the 'plaintiffs' who are suing the Greek Gay and Lesbian Union (known by the inexplicable acronym of OLKE) in order to get them to stop using the term 'lesbian' to refer to homosexual women, a ridiculous quest for so many reasons, the most glaring of which is it's asinine. Another of which is how he would plan to have this enforced. (My personal response to such a direction would be, "Make me.") I'm having difficulty imagining an international moratorium on the utterance of the term "lesbian" if there are no Greek islanders around. And maybe I just can't imagine it because there's not a chance in hell it's going to happen, so I figure, why waste my time? Regardless, the lawsuit continues.

In many reports in the media, it is referenced that Mr. Lambrou has written a "text" entitled "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian" and "published it on his website". The majority of the media reports simply repeat that phrase and do not provide the name of the website, nor do they provide the content of the text (with the ridiculous title). But, after a long day of irrigating the pipes of the Internet, I came across both, the website and the entire text. I also came across both of them in Greek. I never came across either of them in English.

Fortunately, there are a whole lot of pipes and tubes and things that make up the Internet. And amongst those tubes I found Google Translate. Google Translate, while unable to completely decipher the entire text into something comprehensible and readable for those of us operating in English, it did a pretty darn good job overall. I'd give it a "B". (Actually, because it also does translations of things in English into other languages and now I can swear in Greek, I'm giving it a B+. Nice job, Google boys.)

So, here we have the entire "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian" in English straight from Mr. Lambrou's website.

We decided to recognize as I, Lesbians and ladies Maria D. Ρ Rhodes and Kokkoni Ant. Kouvalaki, a global phenomenon, which we think is a symptom of an era, where that which is historically true and general has been replaced by that which is subjective, arbitrary and selfish. I would say for now, that the phenomenon behind an unprovoked aggression by the racism of some certain strange individuals against those that are not characterized by the corresponding peculiarities.

The ownership and usurpation of other property originating from a birthplace home land, which have nothing whatsoever to do with this land, are themselves acts of extreme arbitrariness. When the usurpers and fraudulents simply not only joint property but also attempt to remove the property from the same beneficiaries, then the arbitrariness becomes totalitarian despotism and usurpation becomes forcible removal, theft and possession of the identity of the other. Such behaviour would describe as "reasonable" but typical clinical symptoms would describe a disability. Let us look with a few phrases this phenomenon more precisely

The words Lesbios, Lesbia, Lesbio and Lesbiakos, Lesbiaki, Lesbiako for countless centuries exclusively meant something, which existed for generations and generations of people diachronically their creations, historical, artistic, spiritual, material and everything else mentioned which concerns culture and history island of Lesbos meant quite simply the identifying element of individual and collective consciousness of the common entity and identity of Lesbians. In recent years however, the meanings of these words have almost been lost, almost exclusively and replaced with meanings that have no connection whatsoever with the island.

But the thing has not stopped here. For the characterization of the inhabitants of the island instead of ancient words Lesbians - one, lesbian introduced deliberately and fraudulently used and other "words" arbitrarily constructed and non-existent in all the dictionaries of Ancient and Modern Greek Language. "Lesbian". These are from scratch the zero recently alleged "words" Lesbianos, -, - and Lesbiotis - ISSA - economic (internationally "Lesbonian", "Lesbiot"), to characterize the born, resident and originating from Lesbos

Maybe, if one is not Lesbian, one may not realize the mental and moral rape in existential depth felt by residents and originating from this historic island and this background and the deep existential feeling a Lesbian or a Lesvios in-depth existential involved in the brutal linguistic interception and removal of geographical location of Lesbos Island. It is this mental rape, this moral failure and/or damage, which brutally offends the right to humane identity of every human being, the clients wanted me to express myself through our lawyer, lodging an application for interim measures, which brought the Court of Athens on 10 June 2008, the day Tuesday, former School Building 5 Evelpidon at 9 a.m.

According to the online version of the Oxford Dictionary, the first edition of The Abridged Dictionary of 1911 the word Lesvia (Lesbian) "referred only on the island." The concept of gay women was added much later. The Oxford Dictionary in 1999 on the same website says: "Many words have new meaning or acquired new concepts. For example, the word" sex "in 1911 meant only "Being a man, woman together". "Gay meant ‘full of or disposed to or indicating mirth; light-hearted, sportive’, while "Lesbian" meant simply "from Lesbos" (a Greek island.)

THE TEXT OF THE APPLICATION

interim relief

IN COURT THE "TORCH" WHO CIRCULATES

OK, from what I can tell, this doesn't say a whole hell of a lot. If it does anything, it takes up a hell of a lot of space to say "Why do they have to call themselves "lesbians"? That's OUR word!" And it does so in such a way that you can almost hear the guy whining and stomping his foot as he says it.

Now, in previous interviews, Mr. Lambrou has said that he has nothing against the female loving lesbians. While that sounds pretty good, it doesn't sound good when he continues on about how if the female loving lesbians keep calling themselves lesbians it amounts to a "moral rape" of the chicks from the island! See, now, this is where Mr. Lambrou and I are different (in addition to the fact that I'm not an islander) because when I don't have anything against someone else, I certainly don't go around accusing them of "morally raping" inhabitants of a Greek island! So I'm kind of thinking he might have a little, just a little, something against lesbians.

And why haven't we heard from the two women that are named in this thing? You'd think that those who have been "morally raped" (by what amounts to nothing more than a moniker/metaphor used by women lovin' up other women across the world) would have spoken up by now. If they're ashamed by their "morally raped" status (because after we're done with our moral raping and pillaging of their island, we brand the initials M.R. on their foreheads and walk them down Main Street during an impromptu Pride Parade.) they could give interviews with that little black rectangle over their eyes. Or a bag over their heads. Actually, they have their heads so far up their arse, I highly doubt anyone will be able to recognize them. Nor would we be able to hear their side of the story (seems like it would be quite muffled from way up there).

Never mind. Forget the interviews. Go back to Paradise Island or wherever the hell it is and just take a little bit more time to get over yourselves. Soon as you're done, come on back. You'll still be welcome. And you'll still be Lesbians. And we'll still be here. And we'll still be lesbians. And everything will be just fine. Kind of like it is right now.

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The Misfortune of Shoddy Blogging

From what I can tell so far, the hot topic for the day would appear to be lesbians. Now, for some, that's nothing new. For some "every day is lesbian lover day". But for others, it's just the topic du jour. Why lesbians? Why now? Glad you asked and welcome aboard! Here's the thing:

In a previous post, I went off on Dimitris Lambrou. Lambrou, a self proclaimed "activist" (with no details on what he actually activates) is suing the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece in order to get the women to stop calling themselves "lesbians". That's because Lambrou claims that only those who are residents of the Greek island Lesbos can be lesbians. What a moron. But that's not new either.

Apparently, Lambrou (who I'm kind of starting to think is a lesbian trapped in a man's body or something like that. Why does he care?) had wrote an article/essay/rant entitled "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian". And that's all well and good. But this morning, I read a comment on the ol' blog here that says that the article he wrote is referring to the residents of Lesbos having the misfortune, not the other lesbos having the misfortune. Really? Hmmm....

Now, I might mock everything and everyone right and left that deserves to be mocked, but I do so with accuracy. I'm not making crap up here. All of my contrite opinions are based purely on the apparent stupidity and inaneness of others and their actions. So if this thing is about the islanders and not the mainlanders (?) (Lord knows we're not mainstreamers. Yet.), well, I would need to correct myself. So I set out to find it. That's when I realized that I really need to start being OK with shoddy blogging.

Look, no one wants to waste their time reading a bunch of crap online that's just that - crap. Especially if they're looking for information as opposed to opinion or commentary based on opinion. That's why I like to be informative and provide accurate information of situations and THEN add the opinion or commentary that all seven of you who actually read this have come to know and enjoy. (And I thank each and every one of those seven.) But it would seem as if I'm the only one. Do you think I could find "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian" anywhere? Even though, in every blog or article that I read about this ordeal mentioned it? Even though they all mentioned that it was "published on his website"? Do you think ANY of them included his website? Do you think ANY of them mentioned the name of his website? No, no, and NO.

I have spent way too long this morning trying to find the text of the Lesbianian Misfortunes or whatever the hell it is. And I can find many, many people who are extremely adept at the ol' "cut and paste from other sources that they won't cite" maneuver. But I couldn't find the name of his website, I couldn't find the website and I couldn't find his masterpiece detailing the finer points of the reasoning behind the unnecessary renaming of female homosexuals across the globe. Couldn't find it. Sorry.

Look, I assumed that the title spoke for itself. And since I'm not from the island of Lesbos, I wouldn't assume that it referred to them. Since Lambrou seems to think that the lesbians (the other ones. The ones who like other lesbians. Or just other women. We're really not all that discriminate all the time.) should be called something else, I'm thinking that sounds "unfortunate", or that the mis-identified lesbians are experiencing a "misfortune" in that instance.

Think about it. If you went through your whole life being called "Bob" and then one day, someone told you that you can't be called "Bob" any more. Would you feel as if you had experienced a "misfortune"? Of course you would. (Sorry, Bob Steve.) And that's how I interpreted "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian". And given my explanation, it's a reasonable interpretation and I'm not changing my previous post (because it's funny like it is). If Dimitris Lambrou would like to pull his secret manuscript out of the titanium vault and share the whole thing, as opposed to just the title, with others, well, some of us would appreciate it. Others won't give a fat rat's ass if what they write is accurate or not. But some of us do. And those who do are now really kind of curious as to what that thing actually says.

Thanks for the comment. Next time, don't make it Anonymous so I can get back to you. If you have the text of "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian" or you know where I can find it online or even if you know what the URL of Lambrou's website where the elusive document supposedly lives, please, do tell. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have some misfortune to get back to.

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All Of These Women...They're So Confusing

I thought that if you were a lesbian, you just were. I didn't think that someone else could claim to be the "real" lesbian and then sue you for being the, um, artificial (?) lesbian? The impostor lesbian? Well, apparently, you can. But in this case, you're going to have to be one uptight and cranky bitch to do so.

The fine folks over there at news.au.com are reporting that residents of the island of Lesbos (it's Greek) are suing a gay group because the Lesbos residents insist that they and only they are the real Lesbians. :::sigh::: (I find it disappointing that it's going to be a bunch of angry lesbians in a room together and it will not be erotic at all. What a waste of perfectly good lesbians.) Oh, the residents? Yeah, there's TWO of them. TWO. (Does that even count? I mean, I know that lesbians tend to travel in flocks like geese (or just work their way around their circle of friends for their partner du jour), but don't you have to have more than two in order to claim that you're a "group that is suing"? (Or is it a gaggle? A flock? A flock of lesbians? No. No, that's flock the lesbians. Never mind.)

The lesbian duo of Lesbania Lesbos are suing the Greek Gay and Lesbian Union, otherwise known by it's acronym OLKE. Wait. What? (How is the Greek Gay and Lesbian Union also called OLKE. Shouldn't it be the GGLU? I'm so confused. Lesbians are confusing.) Lesbo A and Lesbo B (as they are known in unofficial court documents, those being this blog) claim that they now are suffering "psychological and moral rape" from the "seizure" of the name of their island by the thieving gays. This statement was made by a one Dimitris Lambrou (who claims to be an "activist", but with no word on what he activates) in a text titled "The Misfortune of Being Lesbian." WAIT!

The "misfortune"? Misfortune. I've heard it called lots of things, but that wasn't one of them. Then again, I can only imagine Mr. Lambrou's social life if HE is calling the art of being a lesbian (and believe me, it's an art. A fine art. One which you can practice for years and still not get it right when you try to implement it. Trust me on that one.) to be a "misfortune." I'm sure HE thinks it is a misfortune....for HIM. The lesbians? Well, when things are good, we're feeling pretty fortunate. No, wait. It's when things are going good we pretty much fornicate. That's it. I always get those mixed up. Where was I? Oh, right. The rape and the seizure.

And while I have NO idea what in the world "psychological and moral rape" could possibly mean, I will make an attempt to explain the other one to the litigious activist. Dude, if there's any "seizures" going on between a couple of lesbians, well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...it's supposed to be like that! If there is a "lesbian seizure moment" occurring, well, one of them is doing something really right to the other one. Don't worry. It's a seizure only in the best sense of the term. And it's really good if it's the "search and seizure" kind. Well, from what I hear (and vaguely remember).

The island of Lesbos is where the poet, Sappho, lived during the early sixth century BC. She expressed her love of other women (She really should think twice before doing that. Really.) with lyric verses. Lyric verses. Huh. I'm picturing something like "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You're a girl and so am I. Let's go off and be gay." (I'm sure it's close to that, but you get the general idea.)

OK, I cannot imagine what this guy's angle possibly could be. This makes absolutely no sense. You're going to have TWO chicks from some Greek island say what exactly? That they are precious little snowflakes who are offended by those of us who are out there enjoying ourselves with others (who are remarkably like us!) who are enjoying themselves with us as well? HOW is that a court case?!?! It's not! It's not a court case at all! It's barely a conversation! Get over yourselves, ladies. And sir. In fact, get all over yourselves, ladies. And let him watch. All of you will soon forget why you ever thought this lawsuit was a good idea in the first place.

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