The Case of the Criminal Half-fro

I don't know if this goes into the category of "Dumbest Criminals" or "Best Mugshot Ever". There might need to be a new category created. Perhaps something along the lines of "Best Mugshots of the Dumbest Criminals." Or should that be "Worst Mugshots of the Dumbest Criminals"? Whatever it's called, right now, it has one inductee. Marcus T. Bailey, come on down! Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? And what happened?! So, SO many questions. (Oh, crap! This isn't some new trend I haven't heard about yet, is it? Like the damned sagging pants thing? Please tell me that I'm not going to have to stare at that whenever I leave my walled off compound and venture out into public. Because if it is, that's just going to reinforce all of my reasons for having the walled off compound.) Fortunately, there are answers to all of them. Meet Marcus T. Bailey. a 25-year old Evanston, Indiana man who is quite dedicated to running his own business. Now, his business is selling crack cocaine, but he seems very dedicated to the craft.

It would seem that Mr. Bailey had gone to a barbershop on the south side of Evansville to have (wait for it) his hair braided. I guess that when you're Mister Big Time Crack Dealer, you can afford to have a south side barbershop worker braid your hair for you. I'll admit to not knowing a whole lot about this kind of hair braiding, but I know even less about barbershops on the south side of towns in Indiana. Since when did barbers get into the hair braiding business? Is this new?

New or not, he was there and it would seem that the process had just begun when a couple of his clients arrived and needed to hold an impromptu meeting in the boardroom. That being in a car out in front of the barbershop. Being as how I'm unfamiliar with Indiana, I had this need to know exactly how stupid of a move this was, holding your business meetings in front of a barbershop. Stupid, yes. But how stupid was my question. Thanks to those Google Boys and all of their maps, I have concluded that it was very stupid. Behold! Said barbershop.

Yeah, there's not a whole lot around there that leaves any room for obstructing the vision of anyone who may or may not be intentionally watching what's going on. (Hey, Indiana! How about some trees?) And when you're hanging out in a car with a couple of other folks, it's pretty easy for the cops to see what's going on. And they're going to be paying attention to what's going on when they are actively seeking you out because you had a warrant for your arrest for some sort of parole violation. You know, the parole that you were on from the last time that you went to prison for dealing drugs. It was similar to those other times that you went to prison for things like being convicted of "...cocaine possession, carrying a handgun without a license, criminal recklessness and resisting law enforcement." Yeah, it was just like that. What a maroon.

Bailey's customers, a one Demorrio Lawrence and a one Tamarra Blue, had been told that he'd be at the barbershop and if they needed some crack, that's where to find him! Wow, he's a really good business man. Always keeping the clients well informed about the day-to-day operations. That boy's going to go far. Far, far away! (Why would you name your kid Tamarra Blue? Were you hoping that one day she'd fulfill that destiny of being either a stripper or a hooker? Because that's who would have a name like Tamarra Blue - strippers and hookers.).

Clearly, when Mr. Bailey stepped outside and into his "office" to conduct business, he had not yet finished his prior business, that being all the braiding of all of the hair. It's when he was outside an in his "office" with his clients that "Law enforcement arrived on scene at this time and placed Bailey into custody prior to the completion of the transaction." That according to the folks over there at the Evansville Courier & Press. I know it only looks like it's about a quarter of the way finished, but I'm still going to call that look the "half-fro". It's catchy. I think it'll stick.

But get this: After all of the arresting goes down, those two "...were cited for possession of narcotics paraphernalia and released" while our hero there gets arrested and charged with a class A felony count of dealing cocaine. I guess I was thinking that they would all get arrested, but that's not the case. Do you want to know why? It's because "...Blue and Lawrence had physical signs of being crack-cocaine addicts, suggesting they were buying the drug. Bailey did not have any such physical signs." That according to the affidavit. Wait. What?! They were cited but not arrested because they were crack addicts? How does THAT work? That makes little to NO sense to me. (Don't tell me it's because of 'jail overcrowding'. They're in Indiana!) I'm finding the not getting arrested because you're a drug addict part of this story a bit troubling. It doesn't seem like there'd be a huge incentive to NOT be a drug addict or, at the very least, to NOT get caught. Maybe they're just trying to deter people from moving up from user to dealer or something. I don't know, but I'm thinking a few hours in jail can't hurt!

Oh, and just in case you were wondering about Mr. Bailey's duo of customers, I found Ms. Blue's MySpace page and with neither permission nor malice, borrowed these photos to use as a visual aid. Also, you can see how close she looks to what you were picturing her to look like in your head. Ready? A crack customer! Behold!

How'd you do? Of course you did! I had faith. This one wasn't too hard to noodle through and come up with a mental image.

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No 3rd Reich Comparisons, Please

And now, time for this week's example of yet another dunderheaded individual using the comparison to a one Adolf Hitler as a way of trying to show people what their country is in for should a certain someone get elected as President of the United States. And while there is no reference to the individual specifically by name, when the flyer that you're putting on people's desks in your workplace claims similarities between der Fuehrer and the candidate who is a "young, black Adolf Hitler", you can pretty much put two and two together and figure out that the person who is being referred to is not John McCain. Yeah, you can pretty much figure out that it refers to the guy whose name rhymes with Farack GoLlama.

From the pointy, talking guys over at Talking Points Memo we get the story of the Republican County Clerk of Johnson County, a one Jill Jackson who "distributed to two employees an Internet blog posting referring to Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama as a "young, black Adolf Hitler." Well, now. Won't that cause some to sit up and pay attention?

It sure did. In fact, it caused the Sheriff to sit up and fill out a police report after one of the two employees had filed a complaint. Oh, but don't worry. She says that she didn't mean to offend anyone. Wait. What?

"The employees, who had voted for Obama in the Democratic primary, discovered the printouts at their desks after returning from Labor Day weekend,...A surveillance video showed Jackson placing an item on one worker's desk." Those cameras. They will get you every time. Whether you end up on YouTube or just have a complaint filed against you for distributing literature that compares Barry to Hitler, the cameras are always going to be there. I'd mention that you might want to plan for things like the cameras, but if you're so moronic that you've decided it would be a good idea to pass this sort of thing along to your co-workers, you're pretty moronic and it's highly unlikely that you'd take that very solid piece of advice seriously. (Right. Because you're an idiot. Correct.)

Jackson claims in a statement given to The Associated Press "...that she was merely passing along an item that already was circulating in the office." Oh, well then. THAT explains it! Whew! I was worried that she was passing around an item that was NOT already circulating! But if there was already literature going around your office that says that one of the candidates is just like Hitler, well, by all means, keep passing it around until everyone knows that the Messiah may actually be a race exterminating Nazi. That's a fabulous idea. If you're a moron. Or the County Clerk, apparently.

Jackson also stated that "There was no motive, no intent. I never intended to offend anyone." Oh, NO, of course not! Because no one would ever think of being offended over comparing people to Adolf Hitler. A man so evil that he actually implemented and carried out his plan to remove all Jewish individuals from the face of the planet through means of human extermination. No, no offense there.

See, now is this offensive? "The U.S. citizens are just not ready to give up their country to this young, black 'Adolf Hitler' with a smile, poor direction and absolutely no experience!" Hmmm...I wonder which one of the two candidates it could be referring to? Hmmm. It's a thinker, all right. Let's see...young....black....Hitler. No, no, I'm drawing a blank. MAY-be it could refer to that Farack GoLlama guy, but that's just a guess. I don't have proof or anything. (:::pounds head against wall::: :::repeats as needed::: )

I can sort of see where the employees that received the "Barry is really Adolf" memo would take some personal offense to it. I mean, I don't know if it's against their office policy to distribute flyers composed of one's own stupid, hateful and attack oriented allegations toward another person. It could be against their office policy to distribute any flyers at all, with or without comparisons to Hitler. (And you know that if there is a policy against ALL literature, that is because there is always one office wanker who would complain about getting a flyer showing pictures of baby ducks and baby kittens because it's his right to not have those sort of things shoved down his throat. Every office has a wanker. If you can't figure out who the wanker is in your office, it could just very likely be you.) Jonathan Swain, who is the spokesman for Barry's campaign in Indiana said of the incident, "I don't find anything funny about Adolf Hitler." Well, good! Good to know! Very sound thinking there.

The real problem goes beyond someone being "offended" by this, however. The real problem is that it is the County Clerk's responsibility to administer the election to their county's citizens and they're supposed to do so in an unbiased manner. I think one could argue that comparing Barry to freaking Hitler could be seen as leaning toward just a bit of bias. Or, if not just a bit of bias, then all of it. All of the bias out there. That woman has it. All the bias? Hers? Where's the bias? Check with Jill; she's got it.

I find the comparing anyone to Hitler is completely unacceptable. Hitler was the purest of all evils rolled up nice and tight into one dictatorial package that was intent on exterminating masses of human beings. There really aren't a whole lot of things that someone can do that would be sufficient enough to make a reasonable comparison. Not a lot. OK, none really. To make the comparison really minimizes something that just isn't minimize-able. (Yes, I did make that up. Just now.) Besides, Hitler wasn't a Muslim. (I'm KIDDING! Barry is NOT a Muslim!)

"Indiana is a swing state in this presidential election, its 11 electoral votes seen as important to Obama and to his Republican rival, John McCain. Johnson County is heavily Republican." And the County Clerk in charge thinks Barry is a "young, black Adolf Hitler" kind of guy and she doesn't hesitate to pass out a couple of flyers that state that belief because she's not trying to offend anyone. Lady, if you weren't trying "to offend" anyone and if there was "no motive, no intent" as you say, then what were you doing, exactly? If you weren't trying TO offend, what were you trying to do? Because if you can get something like this accomplished without even trying, imagine what you could do if you were trying! (I can think of a few things that she could accomplish. Small things. Things like a surprise McCain landslide in Indiana. Wouldn't that be crazy? Crazy exciting!)

I don't know if a County Clerk can be removed from their post without an election. But if an election is needed for a County Clerk recall, good news, Johnson County! There's one right around the corner! That woman needs to go.

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I Am Not Familiar With That Dictator; Who Is He?

If you're ruinnng for public office and you make a statement to the effect of, "I'll speak to any group that invites me", you might want to put some sort of a disclaimer at the end of that OR just feel OK about turning down a group's invitation if you don't believe the things that the group does or if you feel that speaking to a particular group might damage your public image and harm your credibility with the voters. You know, like the time that you spoke to the American National Socialist Workers Party in Chicago, remember? And you stood in front of that painting of Hitler and stood next to people wearing swastika armbands, remember? Oh, and there was that big swastika flag in the background, remember? Yeah, you might not want to do that if you're hoping to ever be elected. To anything.

Tony Zirkle, who is running for the Republican nomination in Indiana's 2nd District, gave a speech to the American National Socialist Workers Party who were celebrating the anniversary of Adolf Hitler's birth. He said he did so because of his statement that he would speak to any group who invites him. AND, he said he didn't believe the event he attended included people necessarily of the Nazi mindset, pointing out the name isn't Nazi, but Nationalist Socialist Workers Party. (And where he might have thought he was pointing out the name to us, he was really pointing how what a moron he is.) Then, unexplicably and possibly thinking this could somehow help him, Zirkle added, "I've spoken on an African-American radio station in Atlanta." Good Lord....As you can imagine, it didn't get any better. It's hard to say if something this boneheaded could get any worse, though.

Now, when he was asked if he was a Nazi or if he sympathized with Nazis or white supremacists or similar groups, Zirkle replied he "didn't know enough about the group to either favor it or oppose it." Oh, OK. Wait. What? These are the Nazis we're talking about, yes? How does someone not "know enough about the group to either favor it or oppose it"? Had he heard of the Nazis before that day? What kind of a lameass excuse/response is that? It's akin to, "Hitler? Um, well, which one was he? OH! THAT Hitler! Right! Sure! Andrew, was it? Oh, Adolf! That's right! Adolf! OK. OK. Now I'm with ya. What's the question again?"

The little Nazi get together that Zirkle spoke at was not just celebrating his birthday and to honor him, but they were also gathered to "fight America's economic collapse and reinvigorate the white working class." I see. Anything else? Oh, right, There was a cake, being as how it was Adolf's birthday and all. Yep, Zirkle had some cake. Some cake with a photo of Hitler and the words "Seig Heil" on it. Huh. Yeah, that seems about right for this story. Wow.

As you can imagine, there was a bit of discussion about this afterwards. Do you think Zirkle has caught on yet? Of course he hasn't. He said that he checked the group's website beforehand and he doesn't regret his Hitler Birthday Party Speech that he gave to the group whose name is NOT The Nazis. And would you like to know why? According to Zirkle (and the fine, fine folks over there at USA Today), "They represented themselves as being different from some of the other white supremacist groups. I believe there's a clear difference between racism and culturalism." There's also a clear difference between common sense and stupidity.

But it's clear that Zirkle does get the difference between common sense and stupidity. And he definitely doesn't know the difference between "things that will help a political career" and "things that will not help a political career." Along with speaking to a bunch of Neo-Nazis on Hitler's birthday, another item on the "things that will not help a political career" list would be saying things like, "That's the risk you have to take to get your point across. If the Black Panthers or the Jewish Zionists want me to speak about these issues, I'll do it." Well, I'll tell you something there, Tony. You can speak to those groups you mentioned and you can show up for Idi Amin's birthday and Stalin's welcome home party if you'd like. You can DO those things. What you can't DO is get elected to anything, anywhere, if you're going to be speaking to those groups.

Tony, here's an idea: Since you clearly could not get elected Dogcatcher, you're going to have a lot of free time on your hands. Maybe you should go pick up a history book and sit down with that for a while and read all about this Hitler guy and his friends, the Nazis. That way you'll be able to form an opinion about their "organization". Let us know how that turns out, OK?

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